Tuesday, December 9, 2008

stupid baby daddy drama


Apparently there are some things that I need to clear up... still. Which is really starting to bug me.

I got pregnant in May, about the time I started working at Bad Ass Coffee - still one of the best coffee houses ever, fyi. Pregnancy is 40-41 weeks, or about ten months. No joke. I'm due towards the end of February. The only person I have been with since, like, December is KJ who is the father. We were together, up until I moved back to Utah on the Fourth of July.

Now I didn't move because I was pregnant. I booked the ticket, and then found out two weeks after everything was already rolling that I was pregnant. I was packing up my stuff and found a pregnancy test in my bathroom things and took it. Then took a couple more just to make sure. Then I went to the doctor that Monday and they confirmed it. I still left the Friday after that.

The most recent rumor that I've heard, is that I didn't get pregnant until I moved back to Utah when I supposedly slept with an ex boyfriend. As you can see from the information above, it would be totally impossible for the baby to be anyone else's. Not only have I not been with anyone else, mathematically it would be totally impossible. For it to be even close to true, the baby would be born sometime in May, and not at the end of February... and it would also require me sleeping with someone else.

I don't know exactly who started this, but it's stupid. Someone told me that the father, KJ, started telling everyone that it's not his and that I wasn't pregnant when I left. I call total and complete bull shit on this one kids. Sorry to break your hearts. I don't know if he is denying it, or what he's said to other people. But it has to be his. And no, I didn't do it on purpose either. Why would I get pregnant and then leave???

I don't feel sexy enough to be sleeping around with ANYONE! My belly is getting bigger, I'm extremely uncomfortable all the time, and I'm working a lot. Plus, I'm pretty sure no one is interested in me like that right now...

So please, leave my poor little unborn daughter out of this stupid drama. She didn't do anything to deserve this, and she has no idea it's going on in the first place. Somebody is lying, and it's not me. There are a million ways you can check your facts. If you have any questions about what's going on, ask me instead of asking other people. You'll probably get the most correct information from the person it involves instead of getting it from somewhere else.

Please and thank you!

On other notes, things are moving smoothly and she's kicking like mad. I thought I was possibly going to be a week late, but I may end up being early! I'll keep peoples updated as new info comes around.

dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed i could...

Okay... So I've already said that I don't know why I keep posting blogs that are like letters to you. I know that you will never read them. Ever. Once upon a time, you used to, but I know that you won't even glance their way again. But here's another one... So here it goes.

I had another dream about you last night. Every time you creep into my sleep, your ghost follows me around for at least a week. Not fair. It makes me wonder if I have this same effect on you... if you ever dream about me, which would be a way for your subconscious to unwillingly get me into your head, because that's what it does for me. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me?

Your life is so different now from what I hear. You're a totally different person. And that boy that I gave my heart to is gone. He took it and ran, giving me the seashell skeleton key only recently, and taunting me to find it again so I can unlock it and love like I've never loved before.

You have someone else, or you did last I heard. You're supposedly happy living your life under a different name than the ones that really knew you used to call you. You've changed your clothes, your personality... everything. I don't know you.

But this person that I knew keeps haunting me. The ghost of who the world once knew you as is following me around. He slips on those brown boots and walks into my mind when I'm asleep, and when I least expect it. Every time, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell that familiar smell that we used to have after hours of laying next to each other, and I can feel the warmth of his body... It's like he's right there, holding me like he used to. I wake up, and he's gone. The words that he said still echo in my head, and it will for days after the dream has happened...

"I'm okay, but I need you right now."

Is this one of the dreams that we used to have together? Back in the day, we would dream similar things... Our little boy said goodbye to you days before he left. We get this sense that something isn't right with the other person, and that's when we would reach out and finally say something... words of encouragement, or just a simple hello. But I can't do that now. I know that if I write to you, or if I try to find you, my head will get messed up all over again. I can't tell you to your face that I still love you and care about you, and that you are constantly on my mind no matter how much I beg for you to leave me alone. I can't ask if you're okay. I can't tell you in any way, shape, or form... especially if hearing from me has the same effect on you that the reverse has had on me.

I want so badly to reach out to you and start talking... be friends. But the thought of you being so different, and being with someone else... God, it tears me up inside. I wish I didn't have to write this stupid stuff to get my thoughts down. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could slap you in the face, give you a good hearty shake, and tell you to snap out of it and go back to being you. But this new you, may be the real you. And I don't know that person.

The day before Thanksgiving marks the two year anniversary of us officially not being together. It was the final break up. The other times since then we've just talked about getting back together, and started to go through the motions... then you would disappear again. This time of year is always hard for me... It puts you on my mind.

I need to not let you get to me anymore. I may not be able to stop the dreams, but I can let them not ruin me. Right now is the time to prove to myself and to the world, including you, that I am a strong person. That my head is on straight, and that I can do anything. I need to move forward with my life and show the world I can. And I need to do it alone. I need to be as independent as possible. I can totally do it.

Everyone has that "one that got away." I wish mine wasn't you.

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seem if I just dream
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye'.

look how cultured I am... I totally just quoted Phantom of the Opera in my blog.

So, strap on your brown boots. Stomp through my dreams. Do your worst. Torment me, torture me, and remind me what I had and lost. I'm determined to handle it and let it make me a stronger person. I will always love you. But when or if the next love comes into my life, it will be greater than anything I've ever known. I'll find my heart, and use that seashell skeleton key to unlock it. I will call FEMA and make them hurry up and repair the damage from your hurricane in a quick and efficient manner, and make some updates along the way. I will investigate the ghosts you keep throwing at me, and learn what they want me to learn. I will repair the damage done to the car that somehow crashed.

If anything, you were here to teach me a lesson. And I'm going to learn whatever it is.

ready or not, here i come...

I love my job. I don't care about the hours, or that I have to sleep in the back of my mom's car for an hour before my shift starts (hopefully that will change soon... keep your fingers crossed!). I know it's not a super incredible job.... I clean patient rooms, and keep things tidy for the staff. Yeah, I'm a housekeeper. But I'm more than fine with it! It's a step in the right direction. It has benefits. It's in a hospital, and it's exactly where I want to be. Sometimes, when you want a career somewhere, you have to start at the bottom. At least I'm not doing food service crap anymore. I can't wait to be a nurse... Life seems to be going in the right direction.

The people I work with are awesome. We laugh every day, and make sure that we have a good time. There's a sense of respect. And everyone is happy to be there... Even though it's early in the morning, we're tired and the patients don't always want to be there. Every one has a smile on their face.

The baby has been driving me crazy! My boobs are getting bigger, to match my growing belly. She gets up into my ribs, and when she moves down low, I can feel it in places I didn't know I could feel things like that. And if you watch closely, you can see her move on the outside. She's stretching and growing, and my belly button has gone from an innie, to an inbetweenie, to what now looks like a little slit. And I'm more than okay with all of it. It's what is supposed to happen. I'm having a baby girl. I'm going to be a mom. I'm terrified that I'll mess it up, but at the same time I'm excited to take care of this little human and watch her grow, mature... change. I keep having dreams about her being here. I'm not sure what she'll look like, and that kinda scares me... but in all the dreams, it's just the two of us and we're happy. That's what matters. One day, hopefully, I'll be a nurse and we'll live downtown.

Tegan Kaidence Dawn Smith... I think that's seriously what her name will be. It's a mouthful, but it seems to fit.

I'm still not planning on having a guy around, and right now it's better that way. There is not need to rely on a man for my happiness. I have a lot more to focus on and worry about than that. Why set myself up for disappointment? I'll be sad if I plan on meeting some awesome guy who will love my daughter and will fall in love with me in a way I've never known, and then he never shows. I know he may be out there somewhere. But I'm not going out to find him. I've still got to get my life in order first. One day, we'll be ready for each other, and things will fall into place like they have been already.

I'm so happy to be surrounded my mountains. Several times a day, I look out the window and it takes my breath away. The world I'm surrounded by is so amazing and beautiful... And I never want to take it for granted again. I can't wait to take Baby Tegan camping and hiking... I can't wait to get on a snowboard again. I can't wait to take her for walks around downtown Salt Lake. I can't wait to start my life with her and show her how amazing this world really is.

I don't mind living with my mom for now. Her dogs snuggle me all the time and she cooks great food. She's finally letting me be me and she's stopped trying to make me turn to Jesus. She knows that's not who I am and it's nice... I don't mind not having a car. I just know that things are lining up so that I can be happy. So we can be happy. Happily ever after takes a long time to get and it's different for everyone. Right now it's a journey. And it doesn't seem like there is a final destination right now. Now matter what happens, I know that I'll be working towards something better all the time.

That's what life is all about... Constantly improving yourself and your life, even though you're okay with where you're at. There is nothing bad with wanting more... As long as you're happy with what you already have, and you don't take the little things in life for granted. Anything is possible. And I'm sure Baby Tegan will be happy once she gets here... 13 weeks. I can't believe it.

So I'm happy with my life. There is always room for improvement, and it's so much easier when you know what improvements can be made and you know how to get there. My life is getting ready to start. And I can't wait.

Ready or not, here I come life! And I'm excited about it.

seashell skeleton key...

So... I don't really understand why I keep posting my thoughts about "us" and what we were and what could never be. It's not like you're going to read them... But the thoughts are still going through my mind, and the dreams are still haunting me. And there's new ones... They are drilled into my head. It's not like the faint ghost mist that you can only capture in pictures, or a faint voice on a tape recorder that you can't hear with the naked ear... It's like your there. Right there. Following me... And sometimes I'm hunting for the evidence of what we were. I can feel you holding me and wrapping your arms around me... Sometimes it feels like this past week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. (which I'm still not so sure about, by the way...)

I go through pictures and old e-mails, and wrack my brain to try to figure out what happened and what went wrong and why we don't talk anymore. How we could be so strong one moment, and then never speak again. An e-mail out of the blue, a response to a message that I've sent you months before... Sometimes I've heard you actually reading the words to me off the screen... But sometimes, I can't hear your voice at all... They are words of a total stranger.

That drowning feeling comes back every once in a while. I can't tell if it's this little baby girl pressing on my lungs and squirming around inside of me, or if it's the memories that randomly come back. Dreams that replay in my head.... But again, it's like I try to take a breath and instead take water into my lungs. Then the water starts to leak out of my eyes... but I stop. And tell myself no. I tell myself, that the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. And people keep telling me to take you off of that gold plated pedestal that I've put you on the past few years. That you weren't always so good to me, and at times you were worst than the worst boyfriends I've ever had. And it's true. But good things happened between us as well... I've come to see the reasons I should take you down off that pedestal. But most of all, I see the reasons I've kept you up there, and why things haven't been able to work with anyone else yet.

I've compared the end of "us" to hurricanes, car crashes, drowning, and a number of other disasters... I've compared you to a ghost. And honestly, some part of you may haunt me for the rest of my life.

Every time you decided to end things, there was no warning. You would just stop talking to me. There would be a dramatic letter or e-mail, all of which I still have for whatever reason... and then silence from your end. Or no message at all. We were just done in your eyes. Talking about getting married one day, and then no response the next... Darkness. A whirlwind of emotion running through me... torture.

I talk to many people today that ask why we aren't together anymore, because we were so perfect for each other. And, as always, I would try to find out what I possibly did wrong. How I could have chased you away. Because I talked to you about being scared? Because I talked to you about my emotions? I didn't do anything wrong. It ended up not working because you didn't want it to. Because of things that someone else drilled into your head, because you were terrified of what would happen next. And you kept telling me that I was holding you back, when really, I pushed you to be who you wanted to be and do the things you wanted to do. Or so I thought. But I don't think you even knew what you wanted.

I did my best not to hold you back. I believe the reality was, that you were holding yourself back and just trying to use me as an excuse. And I will not settle for that. Never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. Never use me as an excuse for anything again. It's not my fault you didn't do your homework, that you didn't turn something in, or that you didn't go camping or whatever more often. I had nothing to do with that. You need to take responsibility for your own life... we all do.

And with the good things... I don't think anyone else has ever been able to hold me like you did. They haven't been able to give me "the look"... And it wasn't just how you looked at me. It's what I knew was behind each look. Behind your eyes, I knew you were thinking about how much you loved me and how you couldn't be without me. I knew when you would start to question things... I knew when you were stressed. I knew when you weren't okay, no matter how many times you said you were. There were simple things that you did that reminded me constantly that you loved me. Little notes written if you left before I got home, e-mails when you were too far away, the little jokes that we had. And waking up next to you after being totally intertwined in your arms for an entire night... It's the emotion I haven't been able to find anywhere. The intimacy that has been almost impossible to find since, is what I found with only you. The way you talked to me, the way you treated me... When things were good with us they were really good. I could tell you had respect for me and that you cared about me just by how you acted around me.

We had a lot of really good memories... And some really bad ones. But I want to always remember the good if I have to think about it all. I've learned a lot of lessons over the years... I have tried to love like that again, and it's so much harder the second time around. It's never seemed intense enough for me. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Are my standards too high? No one else has just seemed to fit with me like you once did... and I'm not looking for another "you" by any means.

Which brings me to a dream that I had a few nights ago... We were in the living room of your dad's old house. The one where we fell in love and spent hours laying in the hammock in the back yard... and the house I brought a box of your things to when we broke up... Anyway. I was sitting in that huge once white chair, the one that had the armrests almost totally ripped off. Your dad's bike was wrapped up the way you wrapped it our first pretend Christmas together. You went into his room and grabbed a bag, much like the silver one that contained green and white tissue paper and a little red box. But in this dream, the bag had a long wooden box... It looked as thought it was made out of drift wood. When I opened it, there was a key inside. And old skeleton key, with a heart for a handle, and all kinds of complicated notches at the end, and it was decorated with sea shells. I ask if it was to your heart or mine, and you said I already knew the answer... and you were gone. I sat in that chair, holding the key in my hands with my palms up, staring at it. I noted how heavy the key was, and Kings of Leon began to play... Which was really my alarm waking me up. But it was with you that I heard them for the first time... and I only recently began to listen to them again. They've been my favorite band since I first heard them, but now I can finally listen to them with out breaking down.

So I'm guessing that this was supposed to be you giving me back the key to my heart, literally and figuratively. And it's something I need to hold on to for a while. I'm not going to just give it to anyone. And I don't even know if I totally have it back yet. Like I've said before... It's not a good time for me to focus on love. It's time to focus one me and this little baby, and our future. And I fully intend on doing just that. If someone comes a long, then they do. But I'm not looking anymore. I guess it's true what they say... "When you know, you know." So far, I've known that I haven't found the right guy for me yet. And Mr. Right isn't in my life at all right now. Weather I've met him once before, or still haven't even seen his face. But he's there. Somewhere.

I need someone that makes me feel close to the same way, someone that respects me, someone that listens to my kind of music and understands the way I dance. I need someone to understand me. And accept me and all my flaws. Because flaws are what can make a person truly beautiful.

My dad has this lady he's been seeing since the divorce. It happens to be this woman who was in love with him since before he met my mother, but he didn't know about it. And now they are finally together, after over 40 years. They are so much better together than I ever imagined him with my mom. They enjoy the same things, and understand each other. They totally understand each other's dance moves. They accept each other's flaws. They fit. But it took so damn long for my dad to see it. I went to dinner at his house Monday night, and he showed me this picture he has... It's of them, the day he graduated college. And he has it next to a picture of them now. Just imagine how life would be different if he picked her instead.... I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe not everything, but the decisions we make now can lead to almost anything. If I left in March when shit hit the fan in Florida, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now. But for some reason i chose to stay.

I don't want to wait that long to be with someone that really gets me... But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I know that someone is out there for me. It's just not the right time. And once I find that person, maybe the ghost of you will finally leave me alone. I need to stop looking through the things that remind me of you. I need to get you out of my head a focus on me.

I'm glad you're happy now. Or at least I think you are. I haven't heard otherwise. But maybe, one day, we will be together again... Maybe it will be like my dad and his girlfriend. Maybe we won't ever see each other again. But right now I'm just planning life for two... and there is no guy involved. Unless he can prove to be worthy of the seashell skeleton key. And it's going to take a lot for me to give it away, if it's even mine to give.

And so begins the process of hopefully moving on... finally. Maybe it's just the time of year that drills these thoughts into my head...

i've already cut the chord...

Here is what I really think about us and everything that is happening and has happened... It's blunt, and honest. And when I tried this on the phone last night, you didn't listen to anything I said... You kept cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. When I said that the things I say go in one ear and out the other, your only response was "ouch" instead of wanting to understand why I felt that way.

You didn't listen to a word I said last night. You call me when you're drunk. I'm pretty sure that it's the only time you have called me. I call you to update you with news about your daughter. I talk to you to keep you informed on what's going on with my life, because like it or not, it is going to effect you some how.

Even when your sober, your sentences and grammar make no sense. You laugh because I can't understand what you say with your slurred words and terrible use of the English language. You keep using these run-on sentences that keep going in circles, and you keep changing what you have said before. You say yes then switch it to no and expect me to understand what the fuck you want. When I answer questions that you've asked me, you keep asking me to answer you. I don't know if it's not what you want to hear, but you keep asking. And when I explain my answer because you obviously don't understand, you tell me that it's a simple yes or no. It's not. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear anymore, because it obviously isn't working.

When you talk to me, I realize how smart I really am. Which is pathetic. I can't believe that I fell for your stupid bull shit. I thought that you were well rounded and had all this life experience from traveling around the world, but you didn't get anything from the experiences you've had. You are just very good at pretending to be something you aren't. And I fell for it like a stupid fool. Blinded, because I thought I loved you.

And no, I don't get how you really feel. I don't think it's fair to assume what another person feels unless they tell me, or it becomes totally obvious what they think. I've learned my lesson in the past. But when i told you this, you freaked out at me and told me I should never doubt you because you have never given me a reason to doubt how you feel. Okay, I was telling you what I experienced in my life in the past, and how that effects how I feel now and why my brain works the way it does.

When I first told you I was pregnant, you were trying to convince me that I should get an abortion because you didn't think I was mature enough to raise a child. Are you FUCKING KIDDING?! I know you are older than me, but that doesn't mean jack shit. This is your second child, and you still have no idea what to do. I'm trying to include you in this miracle called life, and you just say... "... cool." I think I'm dealing with the events in my life a hell of a lot better than you are... You lost your job and you still don't have a new one. Instead, you drink your money away, and complain about how terrible your life is.

The next time we talked about our situation, you were of course drunk, telling me about how you miss me and you had a dream that we got married and lived happily ever after. You believed that we were somehow going to be a happy family. Then when we talked after that, it was never mentioned again.

Did you not get that I was miserable with you? And not just miserable because I wanted to go home and didn't want to be in Florida anymore... I was miserable because I realized who you really were and that you and I were not going to be together, and you were the main reason I was staying. If you were the main reason I stayed, and I knew I didn't want to be with you anymore, why the hell was I staying?

You didn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. You still don't. And honestly, you have no idea who I really am. You keep telling me that you know, but you don't. You don't know me. You don't understand me. And you treat me like shit. I think the only time you were right about us is when you said you felt bad because you couldn't give me what I needed. That should have been a major clue that it's not going to work out. For the love of your chosen religious figure, stop calling me "Kiddo". You know full well, that it drives me crazy and it hurts my feelings because I feel like you're trying to act like my father. You're not mature enough to act that way. Far from it.

I do care about you. And yeah, I miss the times we had together. But I know for a fact that you are not the one I want to be with. We are not going to end up together. We are not going to be a family and have a happily ever after. We are totally different people, we want different things, and we're going in total opposite directions in our lives. The only way our paths will cross is because of this little girl that is curled up so nicely in my belly.... No one has damaged or neglected her yet.

The only reason I'm talking to you is because of our daughter that I'm pregnant with. If she didn't exist, I wouldn't have kept in contact with you. And that's the bitter truth. I don't love you anymore. If she wasn't alive in my belly right now, I wouldn't have kissed you before I went through security at the airport. I wouldn't have answered your calls. I would have just told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.

Why the hell do you keep asking me if I miss you? You ask almost every time we talk. Then I tell you we're never going to be anything more than friends, and you agree with me. Why are you asking if I miss you and telling me that I will always have part of your heart and soul? It's like you're trying to keep me on a chord that I've already cut. You can't dangle me and believe that we are going to be together. It's not what I want. You can't keep me in this place you want me to be. If you knew me, you would know that.

God, I feel like there is so much I'm not saying. But we aren't going to be together. That's the main point I want to make. I care about you. And I hope you're happy, but I obviously don't miss you the way you miss me. Maybe it's best we don't talk anymore. Decide if you want to pay child support, or sign over your rights. And we should probably let her decide when she's old enough if she wants to see you. But chances are, another man will come into our lives, and that's who she's going to call daddy. Because I know you aren't going to be there.

It's painful. It's blunt. But it's the cold hard truth. I've already cut the damn chord. Now let me go.

car crash...

I'm staring back
into the twisted metal
of our car crash romance...
my broken body
is intertwined with yours
and the steel frame
of what we once were.
Were we reckless?
Did we stray from our goal?
How did we end up... here?
Too fast? Too slow?
Maybe it's too late to know now...

This image I have that depicts "us"...
does it mean "us" will never happen again?
Are "we" too damaged...
no, too destroyed to ever happen again?

Was it suicide? Was it intentional? Was it an accident?

If I drive by myself, will the same thing happen?
Do we, or maybe more importantly for now, I, have any chance of recovery?

There is only one way to know... hopefully it will be worth it if I am ever broken again.

Make the repairs that need to be made... don't half ass it. Get new parts, learn new tricks. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. And if one day, that engine begins to turn again, and roar to life, the hard work will totally be worth it. A smile will come across my face, and I'll know that I can make it through anything, yet again. I'll just have to make sure that no one rides in the car with me, and I don't hitch a ride from someone else until I know it's safe...

And if my car runs again, at least gas prices have started to go down... ;) but let's still make this a fuel efficient model. The less we have to rely on others, the better. No matter how good or bad the economy is.

Wow, I'm tired... We'll save more for another night.

the good thing that comes when you're not looking...

Today has been a pretty good day. This week, actually, has been going rather well.

I had an interview for a job, and found out the next day that I totally landed it. I wasn't supposed to find out for another week! It's only housekeeping, but it's for the company I want to be working for and there is a lot of room for me to work my way up. Once I'm done with school, which hopefully won't take very long, I'll get the job I want a lot easier if I'm already in the company... And the people that work there seem really cool. They all love what they do, and that makes it even better.

I love hospitals... It's weird. I never liked them before, but now the idea of being in one every day doesn't bother me at all, and I'm actually looking forward to going back and learning what I can. Anatomy and physiology totally intrigue me... I'm so excited to get started in school again too. Once I do, that is. Things just been working out how they need to and it's great. Life seems to be moving in the right direction.

The baby is doing well. She's kicking like crazy, and practicing some form of gymnastics or karate in there! That's another part of life that has caught my interest. I can't wait to be a nurse. I feel like I finally realized what I'm supposed to do. Anyway... The baby is doing awesome. I'm still thinking of names... and I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that soon, this little thing that has been growing inside me will be in my arms, and it will all seem so real. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. But one day, she'll be here. I'll be a mom. I never thought that it was going to happen... Well... Maybe. But just in a different order. I'm okay with it all though. Things happen for a reason. She may be the best thing in my life.

I had a dream the other night that I haven't been able to shake... The feelings... The smells... I felt it all. I could even smell what was going on, and I remember every little detail. I was sleeping in my bed (in the dream and in real life... anyway....) The famous guy with the brown boots was standing by my bed and I woke up.

I asked if he was okay, and all he said was - 'I'm always okay. I just really need you right now.' So I said 'Okay.' And he undressed like he always did, and climbed into bed with me. No sex. No words. Nothing. And that was all that I needed. I could smell his familiar scent, I felt his body against mine, and all the emotions and senses that I had every time I was in his arms. It all felt so real... and it was real intimacy. The kind that I've been craving and have been trying so hard to find from someone else... unsuccessfully. I felt like he was really there, that he was in bed with me and that our bodies were intertwined like they always were when we shared a bed. It never mattered how hot we got. When we woke up the next morning, we were still totally wrapped up in each other. But when I woke from this dream, he wasn't there. I was alone, and my room was cold. And my heart sank. It's been that way for over two years... Every time I think about this dream, tears come to my eyes. I keep thinking that I've lost that feeling for good....

Which could very possibly not be true at all. One day, I may find that special someone that makes me feel what I did before. But I've been trying so hard to find it, and it always has seemed forced. No guy has looked at me the same way, held me the same way, or gave me the butterflies that I've wanted to have again so badly.

But I've been so terrified that if I don't at least try, I'll never find it again. At the same time, I get even more scared that I will end up with the wrong person. All around me, people are getting married and divorced, breaking up and getting back together... having kids. My heart has just felt so destroyed that it may never get repaired.... unless I fix it myself.

I had a long talk with my neighbor... He's this super awesome forty-something divorced father of two. No, we're not dating. And no, we're not into each other in that way at all. We are both pretty much the only people in the neighborhood that aren't totally Mormon. We have tattoos, enjoy a good glass of wine, and can tell dirty jokes like nobody's business.... Anyway - with all that set aside, we had a talk while we were killing bunnies on the Wii.

I mentioned my fears of never finding love again, and that I knew I would never find anything unless I tried. He seems to always tell me things that I need to hear, and it's not just stuff I need to hear. It's stuff that is totally correct too that I just have problems convincing myself to believe.

He said, 'Now is not the time to worry about finding love. Soon, you will have one of the greatest loves ever known, and it will trump the love you had for Brown Boot. Right now, you need to focus on you, the baby, your career and school. You're young and you have a great chance of finding that love you deserve once again, but you can't go looking for it. Your life is starting to line up how it's supposed to and you're going in the right direction for you. Don't get distracted. Your knight in shining whatever will ride up on his horse or Porsche or whatever it is he's driving and will sweep you off your feet, but it will be when the time is right. You may know him, you possibly haven't even heard a whisper of him yet, but he's there and he'll come when the time is right. Be patient, and focus on you and what you need to get done to make you the best person you can be.'

Which is something I knew all along... I've been trying to convince myself that for about two years now. It just takes other people to keep drilling it into my head for me to finally get it. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll never hear from him again. But what happened between us did happen, and I won't take those memories back for the world. We're not playing 'Eternal Sunshine' with this shit. The memories are there to stay... I just can't let them effect me and ruin my life. I try a new relationship, and he gets into my head and won't get out. When that person becomes 'the one' they take your mind of the person that used to be 'the one'... right?

So here's the plan... I'm going to focus on me. Totally selfish, I know... but shut up. The world will be better off if I'm less dark and twisty. Focus on me... the career, the job, the money, the baby I'm about to have, and my friends... It's totally cool to make new ones. But when 'the one' comes along, the right one, my life will be going in the right direction and I'll be in a place where I can be with someone, and finally be happy, and have my version of a happily ever after.

No more insecurities. No more second guessing. No more trying to find love, because that becomes a distraction, and I always end up with a total ass every time. When the time is right, and when the right person comes I will know.

The best things come to those who wait... and to those who aren't even looking for them at the time. :D

Saturday, October 11, 2008

baby girl, it's cold outside...

The weather has finally developed that delicious bite that I've been craving... It's to the point now, where I can't go outside without a jacket. Jack Frost is bitting at my nose, making it turn a lovely shade of red. Granted, it is getting a little stuffy, and I have terrible headaches, but when I look outside I can't help but smile at the leaves that are changing color and the beautiful snow that has started to fall up in the mountains. I love that I have to wear slippers and sweats inside constantly to keep warm. I love that the other night, I fell asleep by a fireplace. No night lights needed! I had the warm glow and flicker from the fire (even though it is a gas fireplace... haha) lighting up the room. The picture is of Timpanogos Mountain in fall. I didn't take it, but I found it on Google. It's the mountain that is right by my house and has been glaring at me to challenge it's hike.

Our house smells like homemade apple cider and cinnamon rolls... And soon it will smell like pumpkin cupcakes! (I'm still trying to think of a good flavor of frosting to go with them, because vanilla just seems so boring!!) The apple cider smell is seriously from the mulling spices and apple juice that we have slowing boiling upstairs. And my mom just put the cinnamon rolls in the oven and it's created this brilliant combination of smells that keeps making me smile!

I have honestly never been a super huge fan of fall! But now I am! I missed having the seasons so badly, and now I have them back and never want to take them for granted again. It's true... You never really understand what you have until it's gone. I'm just one of those rare few that got to have some of it back again. And it makes me happy.

And along the lines of good news!

I finally got my ultrasound on Thursday. I sometimes am in total disbelief that I have a little human growing inside me. I saw little hands with little fingers and little feet with little toes.... I saw bones and muscles developing, and I even saw the profile. Every little detail of that ultrasound reminded me how precious life is... It's a miracle. Cells developing into tissues, that develop organs and organ systems and skeletal structures... eyelashes, hair, eyes... The ability to see and think! It all totally amazes me... Still. It's a good thing I want to be a nurse. Everyday will remind me how amazing life really is, and how something so small can have such a huge effect on other things around it. And if I were super cheesy, I would mention the seed to a sapling to a mighty oak tree thing. And I just mentioned it... Shut up, I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to be sentimental and cheesy.

Yeah, I still have some symptoms of pregnancy. Because, duh, I'm pregnant. My boobs hurt, my back aches, my feet swell up, and I have all kinds of other problems I don't need to mention. My waist is getting wider, and my old pants don't fit anymore. But it's okay now. Sure, I was really emotional and upset. I still can be. It's not always fun to feel like your going through puberty again, only there are a hell of a lot more changes going on. But again, I'm in the process of growing a child. Literally! It's developing inside my belly! Seeing those pictures and watching the video from my ultrasound makes it all so worth it. And once she's here, everything that got me to this point will seem totally worth while.

I'm struggling, sure. It's difficult, of course. But I'm doing the best I can, and I'm starting to become more comfortable and happy.

And yes, it's a little baby girl! I am so excited to finally know and have a little bit more control with my planning. I know that every single mother of a little girl, hopes that their life and relationship with their daughter will be like the seasons of Gilmore Girls. I hope that too! It would be great to have a relationship like that with my daughter. But we all know how unpredictable life, let alone girls can be. I just hope that I can give her the best life possible, and that we can both be happy and healthy.

AH! A girl! It still gets me excited and smiling every time I think about it. Knowing I'm going to have a daughter, and that the weather along with it's comforts are starting to be just how I like them for now, makes life seem even more exciting.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go enjoy a nice big mug of real mulled apple cider, and continue my moment of joy while I can. Happy October!

Monday, September 29, 2008

darker than coffee

So... I miss downtown. And it really got me down. It made me feel dark and scared inside. Now I know what I want, where I want to be, where I feel like I belong.... How the hell do I get there?

Step one... Get a job. Cool. Easy, right? Not when I'm trying to work in the medical field, and everyone wants experience already. Bull crap. Who wants to hire a single pregnant chick who is going to need to take some time off after baby is born? No one. Things are also easier when there is a reliable mode of transportation involved... Like a car. Or a public transit system that runs at a decent time. HA! Good one. Not in Utah County... So to really get a job and keep it and start saving money, I need a car. Or I could continue to get rides from random people in the neighborhood who keep giving me lectures about how I should go back to church and what I should do with baby. Mom always told me to never ride in a car with a stranger, but she's the one calling these crazy people to drive me all over the place. You make no sense lady. They don't even offer me candy! Instead, I get crap about the way I'm living my life because it's different than theirs. Give me lots of hard candy, so I can crunch on it and totally tune out the stupid religious crap that you're trying to shove down my throat. That way you can feel validated, and I can satisfy my pregnancy cravings.

Step two.... Get a car. Which means I would need a job so I can have money to make the car payments, and for gas, and insurance, and all that awesome car goodness. But to really get a good job, I would need a car to get there. See step one. Stupid endless cycle.

Step three... Slam my head against the wall because just thinking about the first two steps makes things seem impossible.

Step four... Come up with new step one and step two so we can skip step three and four and have a successful step five.... which will be created after step one and two get worked out.

Step five-million-six-hundred-and-two... hopefully look back and realize that all the baby steps that lead me where I am were totally worth it, and that everything will work out. Happiness. Right? Seriously? Good lord.

It's not impossible. Just hard. And things will look up soon, right? There is a way to make it happen. That life I want is right there. I just wish that life for once could be easy. That would be nice. It would be really nice to drink a cup of black coffee than feel like my heart has turned darker than the same intoxicating liquid (that if you can't tell yet, I have a craving for,) that should be in the cup that I would like to be sipping.

Okay... deep breath. Here's what we can do... Deal with stupid crap for now, but don't forget the good things. Right? So what... I focus on finding a job. A good one. Maybe work a day or two somewhere fun, but focus more on the career. Save, save, save. Save money for a car. Save money for baby. Save money for moving downtown and breaking free. Save money so that one day, I won't feel so stuck and trapped. Very doable. Right? Right.

I'm just tired of feeling stuck. I left Florida because I had lost my independence, and I wanted to get it back. Now, it seems like I have even less independence than before. I can have a life. I can do the things I've always wanted to do. It's not impossible. Just keep telling me that. I can do it....

chug-a chug-a chug-a choo choo! I will soooo show that little engine that could what's up.

Life is a lot different than I wanted it to be. But that's okay. Sometimes when you go to the counter at a coffee house, they hand you the wrong drink, or it's made differently. Sometimes it will taste like shit, and other times you might like it more than what you had originally ordered.

Coffee substitute is so not like the real thing... at all. Gross. Not like I can have a cigarette either. And no beer. Or wine. Damn... A nice glass of wine would be really good right now.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

right where i left it...

I went to Coffee Break today!

Yeah, yeah... People can say whatever they want about that place. But I can promise you, it's not a place I go to be seen. I go there because I went there for years, and I know people there. And if I make the drinks, they taste good.

I love downtown... I feel like I took it for granted when I lived there before. This time, I went with my mom and her friend to Sage's Cafe. Even though I'm not vegetarian, the food is always delicious, and any one that has gone there with me has raved about it for weeks... wait... years. Literally. Even though I suggested a million other places to go so I could broaden the palate of my mom and her friend, she insisted on going there. At least I can sneak people into eating tofu and they won't even notice it!

On the way there, my heart was beating a million miles a minute. I have missed downtown so much. There is nothing like the culture that is in downtown Salt Lake City. Every thing I passed brought so many memories of what my life was like before I moved away. I miss the Broadway Centre and the Tower Theater, where my friends and I used to watch independent films. I miss the local coffee shops, that are EVERYWHERE! The different restaurants... Oh man... There are so many local restaurants, and none of them are the same. The music scene, the bar scene, the art scene... I even miss going to the library, just to go and randomly pick a book that I would soon end up loving even though it didn't have any pictures. I miss the street vendor that I used to get two hot dogs from. One for me and one for my dog. I miss the guy that would play his pan pipes, even though he didn't have any fingers. Somehow, we always found something to do, even if we didn't have any money.

The people downtown are so real. Most of them, anyway... Depending on where you go or who you know. I never realized how much I missed just the idea of being downtown, and being able to walk everywhere, or know that the UTA transit system could take me anywhere I wanted to go.

I left to try and find myself.... I moved away, because I felt stuck, and like I needed to get out. I'm pretty sure that everyone feels that way at some point. It was so hard to pack up all my stuff, give things away, and say goodbye to what I had... I honestly felt like Florida was the place I needed to be, and for a while I felt like I belonged. I went to Disney World, to the beach, and to a couple different bars. It was a much needed vacation that lasted almost an entire year. I got to experience life outside of Utah, and I knew that at some point I would miss home and want to come back... I just never realized how badly I would miss the life I once had.

After we grabbed some dinner, I went to Coffee Break. I walked up the steps, and didn't even get inside before I saw a familiar face, and it was so good to see someone NORMAL! We talked like I had never been gone in the first place... I finally felt like I belonged. Like I really belonged. I knew where everything was, and I felt comfortable, but not too comfortable. I had a perma-grin, and I was okay with it. I talked to people I had never met before, and they understood me. I didn't have to explain myself over and over - these people were on my same level, on my same wave length. And it felt soooooo damn good. On top of that, the girls behind the counter knew who I was because the owner had talked about me to them... Strangely he said good things. They even let me behind the counter twice so I could make my drink my way, and they didn't make a big deal about it. It was way better than anything someone could get at Burger King.

I still love the beach and palm trees and seashells... It's just not the place I really belong. The place I belong is right were I left it. The life I've always wanted is right at my fingertips, and has been staring straight into my eyes. It has always had open arms for me... It just took a little while, and a detour to realize that I wanted to be wrapped up in this city's arms.

One day, in an ideal world, my child and I will live downtown in a small house up in the Avenues, that is old but full of character and history... With a porch, and a small backyard. With or without a man on my arm. We will stroll down the streets, play in the snow or leaves that have gathered in the parks; or spend a day at Liberty Park playing on the playground, feeding the ducks, riding the rides, and looking at different displays. We'll have our place that we will go every Sunday for breakfast. And every Tuesday, I'll read the Salt Lake City Weekly. I will have friends that will go out with me for a couple drinks and some pleasant conversation. We will go see independent movies and see local bands play at the Gallivan Plaza. And every Saturday, we'll look at the displays and vendors at the Farmers Market when the season is right.

I had a moment as the sun started to set behind the cityscape, and I was sitting at my table outside that I had always sat at.... I was home. I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to find it. But the journey has been nice. Sometimes, it takes a little bit of wandering to find that the life you always wanted was right there waiting for you to come and take it by the hand, and enjoy it as much as possible. And I'm sure that I needed to have the experiences I have had to appreciate what I have and to know what I want. I wouldn't be me with out anything I've gone through.

It's always been right there... that life I want has been waiting right where I left it. And one day I will be wrapped up in the arms of that city again... Happiness is just around the corner.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

30 Things That Change After You Have A Baby

What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body ... finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

And from our readers...

1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom

2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous

3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte

4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom

5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne

6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye

7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous

8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda

9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom

10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom

11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom

12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara

13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey

14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom

15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom

I found this at BabyCenter.com

Spiced Cider

I am someone that is easily entertained...

Simple things in life make me happy. Right now, I'm extremely excited for cold weather. The leaves in the mountains have barely started to change color, and the air barely has a bite to it as the sun begins to set each night. I have never been excited for winter. I have always hated the snow, and Christmas each year seemed to upset me for whatever reason... But this year, something is different.

I can't wait for all the trees to start changing color and bring autumn romance into the air. The crisp, distinct smell that they have as they start to fall, and crunch under the feet of those walking on the street or playing in the yard, turning each one into a skeleton of what it once was. Fall is about comfort... Even though it's cold outside, people think warmth. It's roasting marshmallows various nuts on an open flame. Hot apple cider and hot chocolate. Warm colors. Red, stuffy noses and sneezes. Warm coats, and scarves and mittens. Mashed potatoes, roasted turkey and ham, and pumpkin pie.

I've NEVER liked pumpkin pie! But for some reason, this year, something is different. I can't wait for my mom to make it so I can have a bit. I can't wait to gather all my yarn and start knitting scarves. At Bath and Body Works, I was overwhelmed by different smells... Which can be really good and bad when you're pregnant. But I found one that my nose would not turn away from... Spiced Cider... My mother insisted on buying a diffuser for me so I could totally wrap myself in it. Every time I light it, it makes me so happy. Comfort smells. Of course you can't drink essential oils... you could but that would be dangerous. Just the idea of this aroma filling the air can calm my nerves, no matter how lonely I get or how many tears I've cried.

The idea of Christmas this year... I don't know what it is, but something is different. Last year was the first time I had a significant other over the holidays that actually spent time with me. Every year before that, I was alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.... No, wait, a couple years ago, I had my first New Year's kiss. But last year, I only spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend, and the next morning we had to go into work and get the restaurant ready. No gifts were exchanged. All we had that night were candles, a warm bubble bath, champagne, and each other. It was so simple, but one of the most romantic nights we had together.

But the brown boot that I have been so in love with since my Junior year of high school was always gone for the holidays... spending time with his family, and calling me at midnight his time when the ball dropped to tell me he loved me. And I was okay with that. It was hard to be alone, when really he was just a phone call away. But in all the ads for winter clothes, there are couples holding hands in the snow, having snowball fights, and smiling. Sitting by a fire, with a mug of some kind of hot adult beverage, that your parents always swore was hot chocolate. I dreaded the holidays every year, because I knew he would leave. We would exchange presents before he would leave and have our own little Christmas party, and then he would be gone. Except two years ago, when he finally ended it. That was the first year he was supposed to come have Thanksgiving with my family, and he broke up with me the day before... Then I miscarried the first week of that December. The smell of this Spiced Cider made all those bad memories go away...

I don't know what it is about this year. I believe I have every reason to hate the holidays whenever they roll around. This year, I'll be more single than ever. It's the first year, I won't have anyone, and not just because we broke up days before. But the idea of snow... Snowmen. Snow angels. Snow boarding. Snowball fights. Catching snowflakes on my tongue. The sight of the mountains covered in snow. Leaves changing color. Eating warm foods by the fireside when it's really cold outside and the snow isn't fake. Scarves, hats, and warm coats. Thunderstorms and snow storms... Christmas lights... And man, I'm not religious, but Temple Square during the holidays is amazing... there are lights wrapped around every branch of every tree...

Something about this year screams magic. And it's the only time that the smell of Spiced Cider has ever gotten me this excited for anything. I'm even content spending the holidays with my family for the first time since I seriously wanted a pony from Santa for Christmas... Come to think of it, I never got that Easy Bake Oven either.

cry, burn, build


Here we go again.

So there is this problem with being pregnant. Well, there's a few problems with being pregnant, but we're only going to talk about one for now. And that one has to deal with emotions.

It's not just the fact that I'm pregnant, and crying over really simple things, like a little puppy playing in the yard or someone saying something nice or mean. I'm just really sick of people being mean and stabbing other people in the back.

I have lost a lot of friends, and most of them I have lost contact with. And I feel so terrible about it, but the truth is, I have a lot on my plate right now. Not only am I pregnant, single, and living in an area where I don't have any of my close friends around, but I'm also trying to start a career to give my child the best life possible. So I haven't had a lot of time to talk to those that mean a lot to me, and tell them that I'm okay or see what is going on in their lives. On top of that, I'm sick a lot and when I'm home, I spend my time sleeping or studying... or worshiping the toilet gods. It's not very fun. SO... I'm sorry I haven't done very well with talking to people, and especially with hanging out with others. I really want to, but my life needs to calm down a little bit first.

Here's the part where I get really upset. There are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long long long time that I know are talking behind my back. It's always going to happen, not just with me, but with everyone. And it hurts. I have a lot going on, and I don't need to hear hurtful things, especially when they are not true. But if something is going around, I would rather have a friend bring it up to me so I can tell the truth about the situation, instead of have people continue saying things that are not true.

Apparently I'm self centered. I don't know how to say it with out giving away the people involved, but after talking to others that have actually made an attempt to keep in contact with me and know who I really am, they have told me that the person that said this was no real friend. Which was hard to hear... but I have heard it so much from so many people. Multiple, real friends have told me that I don't need people like her in my life. This person has told me so many lies, stabbed me in the back, and betrayed my trust more than once. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell them to leave me alone and that they had hurt me. And that they had no right to talk about me when they don't know who I am anymore, or what is really going on in my life. The response? That I have always been self centered and that they had just been talking to my ex - the one with the brown boots - about how self centered I can be.

Which just happened to prove my point. They proved that they had been talking shit behind my back, and not only were they talking shit, but it was to someone that hasn't talked to me in a long time. Someone that I still care about and love. And it also proved that they don't know me, and that I don't need them in my life anyway.

What was the point in telling me that they had been talking to this person? To dig the knife deeper in my back. I know this person told my ex that I was pregnant. They had no right to do so. And what's even worse, is my ex hasn't asked me about it or tried to find out if I'm okay. This person was really trying to make me feel worse for not wanting them in my life, and only ever mentions talking to my ex to make me jealous or feel bad. I feel, and those that are close to me, feel that this person tells me things like this to hurt me. Seriously? Seriously.

So, I must be self centered for wanting to surround my self with good people when I need them the most. I have to be self centered because I'm looking out for the best interest of me and my unborn child. Good god... I MUST be self centered because I finally started standing up for myself.

The funny thing is, people tell me all the time I need to stop letting people walk all over me and taking advantage of me. There have been many times I have helped others, and never gotten anything in return, even when I was lending mass amounts of money and they were supposed to pay me back. I have been told over and over again, that I need to take charge and stand up for myself more. But when I do it, I'm self centered?

So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I would do anything to talk to my ex again. I still care about him, and wish he could be a part of my life. The thing that hurt the worst, was the fact that this person that was believed to be my friend, was talking shit with someone I care about very much. That's when I started crying.

It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. And maybe I do sound a little self centered when I write in my blogs... But that's the thing. They're my blogs, about my life, and what's going on with me. So of course they will sound self centered.

I'm so sick and tired of people treating others badly, of people saying things to make the other person upset. Why does anyone deserve to be treated poorly? They don't.

I wish that what other people said didn't have such a huge effect on me, and that it wouldn't make me cry. But I seriously spent over an hour crying to my mom about the way this person has treated me in the past, and about what they had just said to me... and the fact that they have the audacity to talk about me with a certain someone, knowing it will hurt me, and then telling me about it. I have no idea what the other person had to say, or what they have been saying about anything, and maybe it's better that way.

It felt so good to burn that bridge... My tears didn't stop the flames from engulfing the wood and I watched the embers burn. It was so hard to do! I have had several people telling me to do it for years, and I never had the courage to do it. But I finally did... which shows that I'm growing and changing into a more mature person. This is one of the times in my life, when I need real friends around. The kind that won't stab another person in the back for their own gain.

I'm tired of crying when I know it won't do any good. I wish I could reach out and tell this one person that I love them, and that I miss them every day. I have the Ross/Rachel syndrome.... I wish and hope that after years we will one day be together again. But nothing is how it is on TV or in the movies. There is no happily ever after.

So for now.... I will cry the tears that will inevitably fall from my eyes, weather I want them to or not. I will burn the bridges that need to be burned. And I will do my best to build up the best kind of life I can, surrounded by real people. Good people.

The important thing, is to learn from the mistakes that are made, and not dwell on them. Don't focus too much on the future, because you never know what's going to happen... Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Be strong. Survive today. Fight like hell to live through tomorrow.

Thank you for listening/reading if you have made it this far. I wish life could be peachy keen for everyone, but sadly, it isn't. To those that have been real and been there for me, thank you. And I hope I have been able to do the same. I will try to get better with talking to others, and if I don't talk to you, it doesn't mean that I hate you and want nothing to do with you. I'm simply super busy, and trying to figure my life out.

Again... thank you for everything, if you have been there for me. If you have listened. This was mostly about venting on a night when I couldn't sleep. If any of you ever need me, I hope I'm there for you like you have been for me. I'm sorry if anything I may have said has possibly offended someone. Please remember that I am venting.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I snuck out of my house tonight...

I guess it really wouldn't be sneaking out because I don't have a curfew, and I stayed in my yard. But the point is, I had to be very quiet in the process of getting in and out. Once I got outside, I was in almost total darkness, and I got to enjoy the silence of night in my neighborhood.

The reason I "snuck out"? It was all so I could go outside and see the stars. That's right. I didn't do anything naughty or illegal. Sorry to disappoint. There were no guys I went to see, no parties to go to with underage drinking and illegal drugs. The whole purpose was so I could go see the stars.

In Florida, it was harder to see the stars. There was way too much light pollution in the areas I lived to see hardly anything besides the moon, unless you were in the right place. Here, there are mountains to climb to see billions of stars, and so much more scenery to enjoy in the process.

Back to my point....

There were so many stars out tonight. Some were brighter than others, and some I couldn't even see at all. I didn't mind the cold, in fact, it wasn't too bad. I was just happy to be outside and enjoy nature and how amazing life really is.

As I was looking at the stars, it made me become sentimental and start thinking. I was only there for about fifteen minutes, and a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Stars only last for so long in the time of the universe. Their light travels billions of light years across the universe to reach our line of sight. But once they explode, their brightness still remains until their darkness travels those same light years and extinguishes its light and they turn into a hunk of ash, or they turn into something new. And most people don't even notice once they're gone. It takes weeks or months for this to happen. One day, that star you wish on, may be gone. But new stars are being formed every day. Matter is pulled together, sometimes from other stars that have lost their light.

Isn't is amazing how that works? How the universe can pull itself together to create something new out of something that has been destroyed? Or how it takes a lot more than an instant for the light from a star to reach us, and then more time for that light to disappear?

Stars have captivated cultures since people walked the earth. They have been used for direction, story telling, light in the night, or a way to find calm in a world of chaos.

Straining my neck to look at the night sky made me think of people in my life... or one person, to be perfectly honest. See, I told you that I was deep and had a lot on my mind! And if I didn't, I just did. So take that.

In thinking about this person, and relating them to the diamonds I saw on that black blanket in the sky, I knew that he was gone. Actually, I know he's gone. Unless by some slim chance he pokes the tip of that famous brown boot back into my life. But the more I thought about it, the more he seemed like a star that had been long gone. The thing that was us, has already exploded, and I'm just waiting for the light to fade or for it to turn into something else...

Maybe, one day, and who knows when that will be, this star that we used to be will totally fade and when I look into the sky he won't be there anymore, which would be called a "black dwarf." Maybe, when any effort is put into this star once it's gone, any matter or energy that gets too close gravity will pull in and it will all disappear, making it a black hole. Maybe it will become one of those stars that can only be seen every once in a while. A twinkle in the night. Maybe, it will be one of those stars, that even though it is considered dead, will continue to glow longer than I stay alive.

But from the small amount of research I've done tonight, whatever the star turns into depends on what the initial mass of the star to start out with.

So what were we? Or what was he to me? From my view on what happened, at one point, we were almost as bright as the sun. Our initial mass, was spectacular. He was the north star that guided me in the night. There are millions of stories that I could tell, that may seem like myths now, based on what we used to be. At one point, that star was everything to me. I lived and breathed it. And basking in its light seemed to calm me in my world of chaos.

"...its iron core is collapsing and heating, until iron is ready to fuse. As soon as it does, though, it absorbs all of the heat around it, chilling the core. All fusion abruptly stops, and the star implodes. The rebound of this implosion is the greatest explosion known in the cosmos: a supernova. A single supernova can be brighter than an entire galaxy for a few days. After the supernova, depending on the mass of the original star, the core might be left over as a white dwarf, neutron star, or black hole."

Well... What can I do? It seems that no matter what, the star will have some kind of effect on the universe. Looking at pictures of everything listed, they all seemed so brilliant. All of them were alive with color and light. So did we finish our star's life cycle and end like a supernova? Or has it even rebounded from the implosion yet? Am I just waiting to see what kind of matter will be left once the light has faded or completely disappeared? Am I waiting for the star to finally implode and then form its brilliant supernova, and finally give me some peace? I'm sure that our core has already started to cool a long time ago... I just don't know how long the process takes.

Will there be any matter left to make anything new? I have no idea. I sure hope so. But this light that seems to emit from this one star seems to take over any other star that I try to look at. There have been other stars that have caught my eye for a brief moment in time, but they don't have enough energy or life to even cross my mind a second time. Maybe I'm looking at a planet that won't go anywhere any time soon, other than follow its orbit across the sky... and that takes a long time.

Haha, oh god. I just read through all that stuff and I don't know if it will even make sense to anyone that will read it. Good luck! It seems to make sense to me, but I feel like the baby is stealing all my brain cells. Even though all this stuff seemed to happen so long ago, it still has an effect on my daily life, and in the way that I try to pick a new lover. I will say it one more time...

I deserve to be loved like there's no tomorrow. I deserve to be with someone that will forget about the terrible things that happened yesterday, and still learn from them. I deserve to have someone live in the moments of today with me.

The end. I make no sense.

Nighty night.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

hurricane mcfrank

every song i hear reminds me of you.

it's not like i need the music. randomly thoughts of you creep into my head. it's been happening more often now, and it gets so bad that i have to stop what i'm doing to try and breathe. it feels like someone is digging a knife into my heart, trying to make it stop beating, and filling my lungs with fluid every time... like i'm seriously drowning.

i sit in a chair, with my head between my legs, and try to take deep breaths and get my heart to stop throbbing in pain. within minutes, the liquid in my lungs seems to disappear, and my heart returns to it's normal rate. people literally die of broken hearts... i know it's not the same thing. but it's painful. my heart doesn't feel complete. and this pain keeps flooding me. it's not normal. it's not okay to feel this way. especially more than a year after the destruction that was us swept through my life and destroyed me. the hurricane.

these thoughts of you should not drown me. it's been over a year since i've seen you, and i should have lost hope a long time ago that we would ever be together again. i keep trying to remind myself that you are a different person now. that the boy i loved is long gone, and doesn't love me anymore. but the memories we have remain. ghosts haunting me at every turn in the shadows. no one has looked at me the way you did. ever. they haven't held me the same... they will never love me the same. and losing that is scarier than the ghosts. and the drowning.

i knew what true love was once. i had it at my finger tips. i had it laying next to me every night, keeping me safe and warm as we talked all day and night long in that hammock in your dad's back yard. i had it in little messages you used to leave me, and in the things we used to do. camping, talking, making love, singing songs to each other...

i will always remember your 21st birthday. i will always remember candles exploding on the first night we were together. and the christmas when you gave me the 'bike'. the motorhome. i will always remember the good times we had. and the bad. god knows we had them both. but i will remember that we had time at all, and that at one point, i was loved. and that i knew what true love was. i still know what it is. and that i had it with you, and haven't been able to find it with anyone else.

thunderstorms and rain still have an effect on me. it seems like anytime something dramatic happened, it would start to rain.

the thing with drowning, is people just give up sometimes. they don't fight to get out of the water and try to save themselves. i want to keep living, breathing, and feeling the sunshine on my face. i just wish i could have that love again. that the thoughts would stop drowning me, and that the ghosts would give me some peace instead of rubbing what has been lost in my face.

maybe one day, we will be together again. maybe one day, you or someone else will pull me out of the water and save my life. but right now, i need to keep kicking and trying to find the surface so i have a chance of surviving. hopefully FEMA won't come too late to repair the damage. it already seems like it's taking a long time.

maybe, one day... worst phrase ever.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I'm starting to become less dark and twisty...

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together." - Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

I realize that the last blog I posted on here was a little negative... So I'm going to fix that.

My life is moving in a positive direction. Yeah, it may be slower than I would like, but at least I feel like I'm going somewhere instead of just feeling stuck like I did while I was in Florida. I'm finally moving in the direction of some kind of career, and even though sometimes I get lonely, I'm happy being single and getting comfortable in my own skin and my ever changing body.

Being pregnant doesn't scare me anymore. I heard the heartbeat of this victim of circumstance at my last doctors visit and realized that there must be a reason that this happened. There is a human being growing inside of me... Something that is part me, and part of someone I once loved, is preparing itself to come into the cruel world, and I'm going to do the best I can and be the strongest person that I know I can be to give this child the best life it can possibly have. I will love it like any other mother has loved a child. And for once, love will never go away.

Despite rumors, I didn't leave Florida because I was pregnant. I had booked the ticket two weeks before I found out that I was, and knew that I still needed to go home. I knew the life I wanted was not with the one that I was with at the time, or in the place I was at. I still love seashells and palm trees and the ocean... But I needed mountains, snow and family.

I realized that the only reason I was staying was for someone else... Someone that I still don't see a future with even though I am carrying his child. I still care about this person very much, but I know that they are not the one for me... Hopefully I will find the kind of love that I once had. True love that makes your heart skip a beat when you think about them even after being with them for years, and where you know with out a doubt that you are meant to share a happily ever after with them. The kind of love where you do stupid things and the other person doesn't care. The kind where you know you can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

"I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - yeah, it's another Grey's reference... Shut up. That's the kind of love I want. And one day I can have it again.

I've had it once, and once you know that feeling, and you know the difference between making love and just having sex, there isn't anything else like it. In a way you feel empty without it, but once you know that kind of feeling, that kind of love, it's better to not have anything than try to pretend the feeling is there.

Yeah, my living situation now isn't all that great. After living on my own for three years, it's not fun to go back to living with a parent, especially one that doesn't approve of the life you've been living and is trying to convince you that they are fighting a battle against Satan for your soul. One day, everyone will be able to accept other peoples differences and the world will be at peace... maybe. It just sucks that it's this close to home.

Some days are better than others, but honestly, considering my circumstance, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I'm taking classes to start a career as a nursing assistant, and will hopefully continue on to become a full blown nurse. I have a roof over my head, and a full fridge and pantry. I have friends that have been with me through everything, and a family that is being a lot more understanding that I ever thought they would be. And most of all, I have taken all the experiences I have had in my life, and learned from them. Bitter feelings against other people that have hurt me and walked all over me in the past are gone, and instead of being angry, I have taken into consideration the place that those experiences have taken me and the lessons I have learned. I've picked the weeds and kept the flowers, if you will. Of course I'm not going to be as trusting of everyone as I once was... every thing that has happened to me so far has made me stronger and is going to effect the decisions I make every day for the rest of my life.

It may take years to realize who I really am and come to self actualization, and it may never happen at all. But for once in my life, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I feel like everything is going to be okay. And I didn't need anyone else to tell me. I came to the conclusion by myself, which is a mighty achievement.

This goes out to everyone... The people I will meet, the people I will never meet, the ones I have loved and lost, the ones who have ripped out my heart, the ones who have walked all over me, the ones who were rooting for me all along, and the ones that doubted me and said I could never make it. The fighters, the lovers, the friends, the enemies, the family, the people who I have lost contact with over the years... anyone who I have had the pleasure to meet or even just receive a simple smile from. The one I have shared life's most intimate moments, and shared my heart with...

... Thank you. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. If it wasn't for you and the footprints you left on the beach that is my life, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have made the decisions that lead me here, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. Thank you for making me keep breathing, smiling, loving, thinking, and surviving.

I wouldn't be me with out you.

Monday, August 11, 2008

My mom... (I'm venting)

She is a great lady.  She really is.  But sometimes she can drive me crazy.

Even before I got pregnant we had problems.  I feel like she says a lot of things to try and make me feel guilty about the way I live my life or about things that I have done in the past.  She tries to put me on guilt trips to make me feel like I am a bad daughter, rather than believe that she was a bad mother.  

I don't believe I'm a bad daughter.  But she is starting to show her true colors when she makes everything that is going on in my life about her.  I don't drink, smoke, have sex, or get pregnant because she wasn't a good mother.  What makes a good mother is the reaction to events that take place in your child's life.  Instead of constantly trying to make them feel sorry, hold things over their head, or constantly put them on guilt trips, a mother should try and give the best support and unconditional love they can.  Instead of saying catty comments that make their child want to be nowhere near them, try to bring them closer by showing you love them and care about them.

She causes so much emotional pain that I do not need right now.  I'm pregnant and in need of love and support.  Not constant emotional abuse.  Why the hell should I feel sorry for my mother because I got pregnant?  I shouldn't!  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  Why should I feel sorry for my mom and feel guilty for choices I've made in my life?  I shouldn't.  At all.  It's not fair for any child to be treated this way, especially when they need their mother to be there for them the most.

I hope I'm not being too over dramatic.  I do appreciate her help, and she has been helping me with finances, but when it comes to holding a conversation about anything I don't feel comfortable.  I'm scared it will turn into some religious battle on why I live my life the way I do.  I care about her and I want her to be happy, but she really isn't treating me very well.  I've been trying as hard as I can to do the best I can, then she goes into how she's having a hard time with her self esteem.  With the way she's been talking to me, I've been having self esteem issues too.  How could someone not have them when their mother tells them that she is fighting a battle against Satan over her soul?  No, seriously.  That's exactly what she said.

I really hope that I am not this way with my child.  I'm supposed to get up in about six hours for my first day of class but she started all this shit right before I tried to go to bed... No, while I was already in bed, she calls me out over and over again to say more shit.

Seriously?  Seriously.  Why am I still trying to live here and work things out when she keeps saying the things that she does?  Should I just sit here and let her treat me this way?  I've tried to tell her how she makes me feel when she says these things to me, and she tears me down.  I can't even stand up for myself.

I need to be around people that surround me with positivity and encouragement... not people that constantly try to tear me down and make me feel about about myself or for them.  She really is making it all about her.  She even wrote something in a "journal" that she had sitting out.  It was an analysis of my situation.  And how it involves her.  I understand that it involves her, but the things that she said were uncalled for.  It was an over-analysis of everything I've said and done and how I've lived my life in general.  She had no right to analyze that.

And she found some thing that I wrote years ago when I was venting about something she said.  YEARS AGO.  She found it and printed it after I wrote it, but she freaked out because I read a journal that was all about my life.  The thing she wrote was not venting.  It's totally different.

I'm really hurt by her and the things she has said and done.  It's just the way she is though.  It's painful, and I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore.  But I do, because I have nowhere else to go.  She has made it so I have to live with her.  She won't let me get a job until classes are over, because it will be too much stress on me and the baby.  This bull shit she is making me put up with is too much stress on me and the baby.  Are you fucking kidding me?  She's taking money out of some random account to help me pay for everything, and won't let me work when I need to start saving up money for this new life that is coming into my world.  What the hell?  Good God.

No one should live in a house where they cry themselves to sleep every night.

That's all I gotta say for now.  It's time to try and rest up for my first day of class, even though she made it damn near impossible.

Friday, August 8, 2008

the magic of love

Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.

Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.

It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.

For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.

A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.

I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.

One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes

It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.

This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.

For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?

Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.

"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."