Monday, June 25, 2012

I Was a Mermaid

I have always wanted to be a mermaid. Since I was a little girl. I had the red hair and fair skin and blue eyes and I grew up watching The Little Mermaid. It was a fairy tale. Things like that don't come true, and fairy tales especially don't happen for people like me.  So I gave up on it.

But it happened.

Things lined up so perfectly and it was thought out so well. The weather was warm, the time of day was perfect, and we had everything we needed.  I put on that tail and I sat in that water and I gazed across the lake and enjoyed every part of it.  The smell didn't bother me.  The breeze was warm and it kept most of the bugs away.

I was a freaking mermaid.

With a freaking tail.


Nothings gives me a bigger rush that creating something. I don't think I have posted in this blog about my modeling adventures much, so here is a sneak peek. A quick glance at why I do it.

A lot of people wonder why I even try and go through the effort if I am not getting paid. It isn't about taking sexy pictures to get in magazines or to be famous. It was never about that. OK, it actually was about that when I was a lot younger and was going through modeling school. But that was about a decade ago.

Again... It's not about the money. I don't get paid for most of the work I do. In fact, it actually ends up costing me money if anything and it is an expense for the photographers that they are willing to take. Because we work together to create something.

Now it's about creating. It's about the art. You may thing posing in front of a camera isn't art, but it is. It's difficult. To capture the images that I try to create a lot of things need to happen. There needs to be chemistry with the photographer and the model. Not of the romantic kind. In a way, you need to be able to read each others minds or at least feel at ease with each other. How else are you going to know what the goal is or what kind of image you are both trying to capture? If one of you is speaking Greek and the other is speaking French, you are totally not going to be on the same page and all the shots will misfire. Twisting your body into whatever pose the photographer has in mind isn't always very easy either.

It's about the art. It's about the rush that comes from creating an everlasting image that can have an impact and inspire others. It's about pretending to be something you're not, even if it's just for an hour.

It isn't about body image or size with the ones I work with. That doesn't matter any more than what brand of water you bring with you. What really matters is the goal you have in mind and what you think about yourself. Doing these photoadventures has brought out a good side of me. It has made me more confident in myself and my own abilities. It opened up a whole new world where I could dress up and play pretend and make something out of nothing. It's made it possible for me to get my mind working on something positive.

For a couple hours, I'm not thinking about the curriculum I have to plan or the bills I have to pay. I'm not thinking about the last guy that broke my heart or whatever romantic situation I am in.

I can be a hardcore Rockstar.

I can have a tea party in the forest with some stuffed animals.

I can be a mermaid, catching a breath of fresh (stinky) air and getting a clear above water view of the sunset.

I can breathe.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Cotton Candy

He had me frozen - wrapped around him and strung along by sugar spun words and empty calorie promises that glistened in the sparkling sun. He has made me feel deceptively weak, fragile, and paper thin. But at the same time, some how, he inflated me to feel larger than life. My heart was twisted with his cotton candy charm.

I used to shrink with a the gentle pressure of his fingers and melt on contact with his lips like it was what I was made for.

For a moment, I tasted delicious and I fulfilled a trifling need that could be fulfilled by nearly anything. Then he would toss me aside while I awaited the next craving.

But I deserve more than to be thrown away with the rest of the garbage after a few mouthfuls of what felt like an empty soul had been carelessly devoured. Mouthfuls that now feel stolen.

Every part of me should be savored - my heart, my emotions, my feelings - not just my shell. Not just this shell that merely contains the pieces that have taken so long to fall into place and fit together.

I am not something that can be found whenever the craving attacks his taste buds and consumes his mind until the "want" is satisfied.

My specific flavor and uniqueness should bring someone to a time and place when the sun was warm and the water was high. A place where the waves crash on the shore and their feet tickle the sand. My flavor should be craved by someone who can imagine me in a place where we are happy together... It should be savored by someone who understands and appreciates what it is that made me who and what I am today.





.... And delicious.

(**Disclaimer** This is not to be taken in a perverted way, for those of you who are trying to twist it. I am merely comparing the way someone made me feel after recent events to how easily and sweetly cotton candy has a tendency to melt and dissolve so quickly. Kaythanksbye.)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

To much hope to be hopeless...

How many times do I post about not blogging enough? Too many. So this time we won't mention it. Besides now...
Okay, moving on.
I have never written in this blog to publicize my views to the world. I didn't do it to broadcast my personal life for everyone to see. I have been through a lot, a lot more than I talk about actually. And I have found that I when I give too much of my self or tell someone more information than I should, things turn around and bite me in the ass like a wolf sinking its teeth into a steak feast after being starved for months.
With that being said, I went through a lot of personal things. Silly things in my love life and a lot of it I am still not ready to talk about. The story still continues, and it will continue. Who knows how long it is going to drag out or what will happen next? I never have really known what is around the corner, but I keep walking at a steady pace with my head held high. I will take the punches as they come and walk through any storm if it means that I can eventually come to my happiness. Whatever that happiness may be.
I was driving on a beautiful street on my way home today. The street was lined with trees and the houses were a little older, but refinished and well taken care of. The air smelled like spring time... of fresh grass clippings and some kind of fruity lemon and my coconut air freshener. The air was warm and I drove with the music on and Tegan singing along.  (She sounds beautiful when she sings Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I", and if you haven't heard the song yet, I suggest you listen to it now so you can understand the rest..... did you listen? Okay, continue reading.)
The same song played over and over again and she began to remember more of the words and sing along and giggle. My heart was soaring. And some thoughts popped in my head. I want this life. I want to live on a tree lined street, in a unique house that I have made my own. I want a yard and a fence so I can let the kid can run around with the dog while I do my work in the kitchen. I want a beautiful garden in the backyard. I want the view of the valley, so I can watch the sun turn brilliant colors when it sets over the horizon. And I know that is where these things wait for me.
Its there. I dare it all to hide from me much longer. And I came to realize something... it is all going to take a lot of work. I will appreciate it all that much more because of all the stupid shit I went through to get it. I don't have it yet because it isn't ready for me and I am not ready for it, but I have not given up hope. I would love to get married and make my family bigger and one day it will happen... but not yet.
I have not given up hope. I have not given up in general. It would be stupid to do that. How the hell will I get what I know I want and full well deserve if I throw my hands up in the air and quit? I won't!
And, I know I don't have to have all of it alone, but I am prepared if that is the case. So many times I have believed that I really am happy alone and that I don't need anyone else. Then someone comes and makes me change my mind, and then it blows up in my face in one way or another. But something is different this time. I really feel like I am getting to that place where I really don't need someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I want someone there. A certain someone, in fact, but I know that will all take time as well. But I honestly have begun to be happy in my own skin. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I have stopped being what others want me to be. And things are falling into place.
Some pieces come more rapidly than others. Some pieces need to be rotated so their shape will fit into my jigsaw puzzle style life, but it is all fitting together.
I have talked about the life I imagine myself having... with the chicken coop and the garden and the dog and kids and camping... did I not mention chickens and camping before now? Well.... there you go. I want chickens when I grow up. Ha.
What was I saying? Oh yes, I have talked about this life with several different people, and different guys have given me different reactions. But only one has talked about wanting all the same things too. Only one has not rolled their eyes and laughed at me. Only one has been genuine with every way they treat me and with how they see their life ending up...
What makes it better is that my heart didn't break when I hugged him and gave him a kiss goodbye this time. I didn't have it in my head that I would never see him again... after years of saying goodbye, knew that it wasn't the end.
It is never the end. Even though things began so long ago, this seems to be the beginning.
It was never really goodbye.