Monday, December 28, 2009

It's Me O'Clock!

So.... I've decided to start a new thing.

I'm going to have a night time routine! Oh the wonders that could come from having a routine that one does every night! A complete regimen for beauty and personal mind/body health!

I'm kinda excited about it. Not gonna lie. Super stoaked!

I have had some issues with keeping up to date with the bliggity blog, and need to get better at taking some "me" time where I can just take an hour or two out of each day out for myself.... Because, well, let's face it... Being a mom, especially a single mom, can be difficult, and it's easy to forget yourself and put everyone else in front of you. AND... When you work in a hospital, constantly taking care of others, your needs tend to go on the back burner.

For example... The many times that you have worked an entire 12 hour shift without taking a lunch and you realize on the way out of the automatic front doors at the end of the day that you "forgot" to go to the bathroom after assisting others and reminding them to do so.... ALL DAY.

Admit it, you've done it. I know I have more than once. But... I did also go on a lot of road trips with my dad, and you learn how to hold it when you have to.

So here is the routine...

I get the little monster down for bed, after she has her bath and bedtime story and whatever... Then I watch whatever show happens to be on that night if that's what I want to do, and then the real "me time" kicks in. I've decided that Utah is a dry state, so I need to take some extra time and shower and lather the body up in lotion and get my hair ready for the next day. AND.... I even brush my teeth and put in my whitening trays, and I have a new face thing that I've started. Not like I need to get into details, but it feels nice. I've only done it a couple nights and it feels great.

After I do all that stuff, I take a minute and figure out where to go from there. You know what that gives me time for? BLOGGING! Something I need to get better at! Seriously.

I have also had an insanely productive day today. I went through everything and cleared out a lot of clutter from my room. I had a lot of it... But it was nice to get rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need. I will admit that I found some things that I didn't think I'd see again... Like the prom picture with Brown Boot.

And the key from our hotel room on prom night, which happened to be our one year anniversary. It was engraved with "Mr. and Mrs. Knowles, Little America Romance, May 7, 2005"


Even thinking about it now plays a montage of images from that night and our relationship.... The feeling that I knew who I would spend the rest of my life with, and how certain I was that this was the most amazing thing I would ever feel. It took my breath away. Like, literally. I couldn't breathe. I didn't think he had that effect on me still. But it's amazing how something, what, almost five years ago can still catch you off guard. You take life one breath at a time, and try to push that person out of your head, but they still creep in somehow. I still look at the mountains and remember how he would explain the way they formed to me... I see a sunset and I remember the construction site we used to go to on 1800 South to watch it set. I get a taste of chai on my lips, and remember the one month anniversary when I tasted it for the first time and he gave me that poem.

I didn't realize how much I thought about him... Which makes me wonder if he ever thinks about me the same way. If I randomly pop into his mind when he least expects it? I don't know.

Well, that's not the direction I wanted this blog to take... But whatever. Ha ha, see, that's how it happens! Every once in a while, he creeps into my head and then I can't stop.

There was something I wrote a long time ago that explained how it went...

"I miss you less with each deep breath,
but then there's times when I can't breathe,
and I'm back to where I started again"

Okay, done with that.


Christmas! It was not everything that I expected it to be. First off, that guy I was seeing? McArmy? Well, he can kiss my ass to be frank. He kept being all weird and distant and never tried to resolve anything even though he said he wanted to. You can talk about how you want to fix things until your face turns blue and rainbows come out your butt, but until you actually do something about it, I won't believe you. And that's what happened.

But Tegan had an amazing time. She didn't really get the whole Christmas thing, but she loved playing with her hairbrush, and she was so cute playing with her new toys! It was a really simple year this year, and hopefully she'll be more aware of the season and really understand what's going on next year.

I got lots of pictures! And finally uploaded a bunch! Here is the link for the pictures from the zoo. And here is the link for the pictures of all the festivities....

And I just got really sleepy.... But let's keep this routine thing up, shall we? Because I deserve some good "me time"

The positive note I'm ending this one this time? Another thought I had while I was making Tegan's scrapbook....

"Not every story begins with 'Once upon a time',
but they all deserve a shot at 'Happily ever after'."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

when a shadow of a doubt turns into a world of darkness...

It's been a while, yet again. And it seems like it's been years since I've posted. But a lot has happened. Again. Holy goodness, I have GOT TO get better at freakin' posting. That's right, I said freakin'. With no "g".

Sooooo...... Work is awesome. I love my job. I've lost some hours because Tegan got her first ear infection, but she's getting better. And she loves her day care! It's great! So clean and so nice. The kids I have seen there are awesome, and they all get along so well together! Hurray!! Tegan still is very friendly with everyone. When we went to the doctor for her ear infection, she crawled right over to him and sat on his lap. If only she knew...

She still has four teeth coming in on top and the other two sit strong on the bottom. She is very close to walking, and every once in a while can stand on her own. She has started to do this thing where she knows she's not supposed to do something and she'll do it anyway. Like, playing with the Christmas tree, or taking off with my Crackberry through her own little obstacle course... And then giggling, as if to say, "neener, neener, neener...."

With my health stuff... I recently went to the ER. Recently as in, this last week. I got really bad food poisoning, or something and got so dehydrated I was not really with it, so to speak. I got two bags of fluid and some antinausea meds and was on my way a couple hours later. Thank heaven for Zofran... seriously. And we're still working on the headaches. No brain tumors or anything. Just... Lots of pain. It's getting better, just slowly.

Oh, oh, oh! I got all signed up for my classes for Spring semester at the U! Woot! So super excited! Most of them are online, but I decided to take a biology course on campus so I could interact with humans that weren't sick or under the age of one. I've missed sitting in a classroom and taking notes... watching Power Point presentations and doodling on my notebook.... *sigh*

No, really. It's okay you can laugh. I've missed school like crazy! I've missed feeling productive and like I was learning something. At work, I learn new things every day, but that's not what I mean. I mean, serious studying. Bookworm style.

I can't believe Christmas is so close... That is part of what has kept me so busy. I've been all kinds of crafty, making my own stockings this year. Which isn't so bad, to be perfectly honest. I didn't use a pattern, and have just been putting things together. No measuring... It's like I see something in my head and make it come out in the fabric somehow. I've worked on four so far, and I'm almost done with all four of them. Just some finishing touches. I made on for the boy, one for his daughter, one for Tegan, and one for me. But... I got way too much fabric. I may end up making a quilt and a pillow... and maybe a tree skirt. Yes... Lots of fabric.

I also worked on Tegan's scrapbook. Which looks awesome! I got one of those books that has everything you need in it, and picked up a couple extra kits from Walmart, (Robert's was WAY too overwhelming....) and it looks so awesome!! I'm making this one for her first year, and then I'm going to start another one after her birthday. Happy happy face!

As for my personal life... Without including too many details... I'm getting scared that things with the boy won't work out. We can go on ahead and call the boy McArmy again, because... well... He's probably going to be back in the Army before we know it. Which isn't why it won't work out, by any means. I think it would be really good for him to get back into it. He would be a part of something. It would help him get to where he wants to go.... and he would make a lot of really good friends and memories. I'm totally behind him in going back.

I'm not scared it won't work out because I'm scared of commitment. Far from that. I finally got over Brown Boot.... (Let's face it kids, that's never gonna happen. Love stories don't always work that way... Read "On Love" by Alain de Botton.... It changed my perspective on relationships years ago and did me a lot of good.)

Okay, where was I? Right. I finally got past my issues that happened in past relationships. I realize when I see things I don't like, I understand why I feel the way I feel, and I try to talk about it and get the problem worked out.

And that's what's happening now.

At this current moment in time.... I haven't heard his voice in days.

We've hardly sent a text message to each other the past two days.

I'm giving him time and space to figure everything out. Which is the hardest thing I've had to do. That, and bringing up the problems in the first place.

I just knew I couldn't hold it all inside, which is what I used to do. I knew I wanted a healthy relationship... that I deserve it after all the shit I've seen and the even worse shit that I've been through. I owe it to myself and to my daughter to have someone that will be there for me when I really need them, and who really loves me and cares about me... and shows it. I deserve a healthy, long lasting relationship with someone amazing.

Which is what I was trying to do.

I'm not sure if I did it the right way. I just know that this stupid limbo bullshit has got to go. I hate not knowing what is going on, or if I'm even in a relationship right now. I haven't felt like I've been in one for a while... it's been hard. I've feel like I should be really hurting right now, but honestly? I just feel numb.

I saw all of this coming from miles away.... And I feel like a fool for waiting so long and ignoring the warning signs, and waiting too long to say something.... But at least I said something.

I hope it does end up working out. Somehow. I'm just afraid that once it's done it will never happen again. I'm tired of giving things a second, third, forth, or whatever number of tries, and having it not work out. Feeling like this is getting old.

Okay... I want to end this on a positive note somehow... Eh....

I got new mascara that I like!


Not so much.

No, I like the mascara. I mean, not so much with the whole ending this on a positive note thing. Stupid downer mood that I'm in.... Boo to that.

Let's just do this....


Saturday, November 7, 2009

An Elephant Never Forgets...

Yesterday was Tegan's first trip to the zoo!

I got lots of pictures on my camera, and the boy got some on his too... BUT.... I still don't have the cable to connect my camera to my computer. Which is uber lame. I know it's around here somewhere... Or I'll have to get another one. At the very least, pictures will be developed, and scrapbooking will be involved. I even saved the bag from buying Tegan's souviners so I could use it as a background for the page. Look at me being all resourceful and stuff. Which reminds me... I need better scrapbooking supplies. It's something I'd really like to get into...

That's besides the point though, and totally not what this blog was supposed to be about.

Zoo! Right!

I hadn't been to the zoo in like... Ten years. Having a baby is more like an excuse for adults to do things that little kids do and act like they're pretending to get excited... when really.... We're just like big kids. We still love going to the zoo and to parks and stuff like that. We just pretend we're grown up for the other grown ups. No one is the wiser... Is any of this making sense?

Tegan loved the zoo. She was jumping around a squealing the entire time. It was so fun to get out of the house and actually do an activity with her! Since the boy has been around, there is more of that going on and I'm okay with it. In my head, when we're out doing our thing or hanging out at one of our houses, I keep thinking that it's supposed to be like this... This is what a family is supposed to be like.... It's nice.

I'm good at getting sidetracked right now, can you tell? Sleepy Mandy...

There weren't a lot of animals out because it is getting colder... But I know I want to go back this Spring. You know why?

This is why.....

Isn't it wonderful? She got totally worn out. I have never seen her jump around and giggle as much as she did. Even though she'll never remember the trip in a million years, it was nice for us. And it's a good memory to have. She loved looking at the animals, even though she didn't understand what was going on. You could see the wonder on her face. It was all stuff she had never seen before.

That's why you do stuff for your kids when they're little. That's why you take them to Disney when they're young. Because they're into the magic, and it's real magic to them. And it creates a memory for parents too. They can remember the look on their son or daughter's face the first time they went to the zoo, and saw an elephant for the first time. And it makes the magic real for the parents to see their kids this way.

I haven't even started planning her first trip to Disneyland yet... But I know that I'm just as excited about it as she will be. Once she knows what it is, of course...

Speaking of Christmas.... (I know I wasn't... but it's a good way to bring it up...) I'm thinking about making stockings this year. I've already got some good ideas and I'm very very very excited. I might actually have a good holiday season for once! I'll give more details as to why later...

Things are finally getting good.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

a breath of fresh air...

It was beautiful today.
So beautiful, that if there were green leaves on the trees, birds would have been chirping. There was no need for a sweatshirt. The sun was bright and shiny, like suns are supposed to be. And the air smelled like dead leaves.

It was delicious. Scrumptious if you will.

So delicious that we decided to take Tegan for her first official hike.

"We" as in the Boy and I. The one that gave me the scuff on my shoe...

And yes, that would be him. We plan to take little nugget to the zoo tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited.

I didn't realize how hard it was to be a single mom. I mean, I knew it was hard, but it was all I knew. I didn't know what it was like to have an extra set of hands to feed her or occupy her while I try to make lunch, or to play with her.

It is so much god damn easier.

I thought I was getting help before, and don't get me wrong, I have been getting help... But this help is different. It's like we're a little family.


No, boys and girls, calm down. We ARE taking things slow. It's just nice to know what that other life is like.

Okay, here's a couple more pictures from our hike today.... enjoy...

When we stumbled on this little paradise, it made me think of my childhood home... With the trees and the creek. It was beautiful! Did I say that already? I did. B. E. A. Utiful. Seriously...

And the more I looked at it, the more I noticed beautiful pictures that I could take. There were details that I took in with each breath, and each breath smelled of earth and leaves... Fall. I think I fell in love with a new season. I used to think of it as ugly. The season where everything dies, and hibernates for the winter. Trees losing their leaves and looking ugly and bare.

But no. This season, is full of warm colors and apple cider. Comfort food. Water rushing through rock beds. It smells like... Life. Nature prepares itself so that it can start anew once the snow melts. And it amazed me.

On a totally different note, want to know something crazy?

Beyond crazy.

So we come back to the house after the hike, trying to get Tegan to go to sleep, and I turn on the TV. NOTING IS ON.


I stop on Oprah, where I notice that people are singing Karaoke. And guess who I see?

You'll never guess because you don't know her...

Her name is Anna. We used to sing Karaoke together in Florida back at the famous Coconut Willy's! I recognized her right away by her crazy hair, and I only heard her sing for two seconds, but I knew it was her.

I had a friend on Oprah. How crazy is that?

It gets crazier. Ready? Are you sure? Okay....

Some background is needed for this.

So, once upon a time, before I moved to Florida, during my time working at Coffee Break, I started seeing this guy. His name is Scotty Lee, and he was convinced he was a comedian. I personally didn't think he was very funny, and when I went to one of his shows, you know who was in the audience? His mom and her friends. That's it.

We weren't anything serious. We hung out here and there, and I ended things pretty quickly because I realized he only wanted sex. When I told him that, he didn't fight me or try to prove me wrong. He just... left.

Okay, enough background.

I saw Scotty Lee on the news, multiple times tonight. Apparently he is wanted for child porn and for dating a minor.


Thank god I realized he wasn't funny. Because that just beyond creeps me out. Gross gross gross. I didn't think I ever came into contact with people like that. And the fact that I dated one? It makes me realize the world is a sick place.


I think of the hike I had today and the person I was with, and take a deep breath....

I still smell dead leaves and it's not a bad thing. It makes me remember that there is good out there, and that I can see it even though people think it's ugly.

Scotty Lee, on the other hand.... He's yucko.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

i feel like spring, but mother nature says it's fall


I've done it again...

There's another scuff on my shoe.

No, not another actual scuff on my Kirkland Signature boots that I've pulled out again and am wearing constantly now that the leaves have turned and the weather has gone cold... No, not a real scuff. Because there's a lot on those already, and it would be impossible to tell if there was a new one on there.

I may or may not have tripped a little bit and started to fall for someone.

You see what happens when I don't write for a long long long time?! Well, poop. I think it's about time for an update, don't you?



Remember when I was on that road to dark and twisty land? I made plans to hang out with someone, and well... It was different this time.

We had hung out before, about this same time last year... and he obviously felt something that I didn't feel because I didn't see anything other than friendship. We joked about how this was our one year anniversary, because when we were hanging out before, we were trying to do the same thing. Get scared.

So we went to see that movie, Paranormal Activity, and had some sushi, just like old times. But something was different.

I rested my head on his shoulder.


You heard me!

Cover your children's eyes or ears or... whatever!

I made contact. We held hands. I was nervous. And the night ended with a kiss.

A kiss that almost didn't happen because we were smiling too damn big.

Did you hear that?

Mandy kissed a boy and she liked it. There wasn't any cherry chapstick involved... Because that would be gay.

We've been hanging out a good amount, and things have just been going smoothly. It's been really nice. Someone really gets me and isn't pushing me to make decisions or get married or anything. We just... are.

This guy totally gets in my head too. Not in a bad way.... But almost a literal way. It's almost like he has a little guy that lives in my head, that's just camped out in there with his sleeping bag and thermos and a walkie talkie that goes into his head and tells him everything that I'm thinking. He only leaves to take an occasional potty break, because it would just be rude to do that business in there. This little man in my head doesn't litter either. It's like a restricted access national park. Environmental friendly. Or something.

Now I've just painted a picture of some granola freak trying to protest something like... global warming.

Who lives in my head.


*crickets* I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Anyway, this guy is seriously on the same wavelength as me. At times it's freaky. The other night, just to give an example, we were watching TV together, and he did some western sheriff voice, and I told him to guess what movie it made me think of, knowing that he would never get it. After a couple guesses he almost gave up, and then a light bulb must have gone on in his head, and the little man finally turned on his walkie talkie, because his face lit up when he said Fievil Goes West. I turned my head away with a huge smile on my face.


How does that happen? The most random things pop into our heads and it happens at the exact same time!


He's got me all twitterpaited.

Now that I have better internet access, I should be online more often. As for now, I have to get some sleep. What a lovely way to end the evening.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

taking another vacation to dark and twisty land...

I get in these funks where nothing seems to make any sense... I deep depression. Which is a big deal, because I usually can find the positive in everything. Someone will tell me their sob story, and I seem to find something positive about it. I twist it so that they can see the bright side. And even though I can easily find the bright side in my own situation, it feels like the past few days have had nothing but darkness.... A total lack of bright and happy.

My mind has taken another vacation to dark and twisty land. Shadows have more shadows, and the darkness is just followed by more darkness. My mind seems stuck in this place and I HATE it. So why not just pull myself out of it, right?

Believe me. I'm trying.

I usually have my person to help pull me out of these messes that I get my mind into. I tell her what I'm thinking and feeling, and she knows me so well, she can help me rationalize my feelings. We have always joked about being able to justify and rationalize anything. When we write each other, we can hear each other's voice as we read, so we don't mind not talking on the phone. We used to talk all day every day... But lately there has been total silence on both ends.

So here I am, in dark and twisty land. My heart and head are aching. And I'm trying to rationalize my thoughts by myself. Kind of. Writing helps.

I was getting ready just a minute ago, before I started writing. I was plucking my eyebrows to be exact, and I just started crying. I don't even think I was thinking about anything. That's how depressed I've felt. I cried myself to sleep the past two nights. Because I have felt totally alone.

It's hard to be a single mom. And I'm not taking pity on myself by any means. I'm just saying, it's really hard. I haven't been very good at keeping in contact with a lot of people and I'm trying to get better. But because I have a child now, it seems like I don't get invited to many things. Friends will get together and watch movies, go out for drinks, and no word of it gets to me until it's already happening, or has happened. And it doesn't even register to them that I might want to go. That I could find a sitter for Tegan and go have some time away from being a mommy. That I might NEED that time. They just assume that I'm busy, doing mommy stuff. I am. But I will make time for my friends, when I can. There are a lot of people I want to see. Lots of people that I want to hang out with and spend time with. My person? I've seen her a couple times since she's been back. Once when we spent the night together, and another time when I stopped in to see her at her work. And she's been back for about a couple months now. But I haven't wanted to get in her way or make her hang out with me. When I've had days off, I've tried to see what she's doing and she's busy with someone else. I'm not the type to invite myself along, so I just talk to her whenever she writes me back. I don't want to be that person...

"hang out with me, let's play, what are you doing? what are you eating? do you think about me? what about now? are we friends? look at me being insecure and wanting to be around you and bask in your love for all eternity!"

I've had those people for friends and it drives me crazy! I don't want to be that person! So I don't pester. I don't keep asking when we're going to hang out. I figure when someone wants to hang out with me, they'll ask. But I need to make plans in advance because I need a sitter. I can't just run off and do whatever like I used to. And I miss that.

I think it's great that my friends can take random trips to Vegas and Seattle and Moab... I wish that I could do it too. And the only reason I have a hard time is because I realize that I can't do that too. I might be able to swing a camping trip here and there, with the baby. But this isn't where I wanted my life to be at 22. Single. A mom. And alone.

Yes, I'm making plans. I'm starting school this spring and I have a good job with health insurance and all that jazz. I'm trying to get my life in order so I don't have to live with my mom for the rest of my life. But I need to socialize. All work and no play makes Mandy a dull lady.

Oh! Something popped into my head from my psychology class....
This would be it. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It's like the food pyramid... Only not. And more important. There are basic needs that each person as an individual need to survive. The base is kinda obvious... We all need air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex and sleep to do anything. Well... I'm lacking two right there. Sex and Sleep. Both of which are kinda hard to have when you're a single mommy. But it can be worked on. We need to have an actual relationship before the sex can come though. Which comes later. I have all the safety needs... The big thing that I need is in the third category. Belongingness and Love. I need friendship. I have my family around, and we don't see each other much. But I could make the effort to hang out with them more too.

I'm not blaming other people for me not being happy. That's not reasonable or responsible. I could call people and ask them to hang out, make plans to do something. It's not just that they don't want to hang out with me. They think I'm busy because I don't ask them to hang out either. It's a two way street.

I just need to get my head of out dark and twisty land and get my ass back in to bright and happy land. I need to snap out of it and stop thinking so much. I need to keep reminding myself of the positive things in life.

Speaking of... Tegan has two teeth now. Which is crazy! She's getting so big. I just enrolled her into a day care that seems amazing! And it's provided by my work, which is even better. I didn't think that they had one for whatever reason, and I was stressing about finding something that would work with my crazy schedule. Every where I tried wasn't open early or late enough so I was trying to work out a way for someone to pick her up and drop her off. Who knew that the hospital would be smart enough to provide a day care for people that work 12 hour shifts in hospitals.

She's growing so fast. One of these days I'll blink and she'll be in kindergarten... I'll blink again and she'll be in high school, talking about boys and her first kiss... Another blink and she'll be in college, getting married. Probably before me... hahaha. Eeee... It's funny until it really happens.

I'm getting excited for school. It will be so nice to feel productive like that again! It will help with everything that I've had on my mind too... And I may actually meet some new friends in class or something. You never know.

I've already made plans for tonight... You see how good I am? I even asked this person if they wanted to do something, instead of waiting for them to come to me. Which I probably need to do more often. I'd like to get out of the house and baby free at least one night a month. I get out for work, sure, but I need time to be me. Not mommy. Not a CNA. Just Mandy.

I'm starting to see the road out of dark and twisty land.... And it's filled with fall sunshine.

Monday, September 14, 2009

another jump in the right direction...

ACCEPTED! Do you like Erwin's new tattoos?

That's right. I got into the U. I think everyone knew that it was going to happen anyway, but getting that letter in the mail was still very exciting. And I couldn't have done it without my person. She paid my application fee. I kept talking about school, and she kept saying do it already, and I said, I don't have the money. And she said, screw that you do now... Thank you! You see that? That is why she is my person and I love her.

I promised myself that once I got my official acceptance letter for the University of Utah, I would get the stickers and put them on the back of my car.... Here it is! My family may not like it too much, because they are BYU fans... Not to mention my dad actually works there. But it's the place I want to go. And when I did my first year there, I loved it! I love the feel of the campus.

I kept talking about going back to school and how I needed to work on my education... Nursing school is the goal now. Because I started with this CNA business, I've convinced myself that it is the direction that I wanted to take. When you get excited about taking out someone's foley, or examining a stage 4 bedsore, you know that it's the field to get into. (PS, stage 4 is the worst stage you can get to and it means that the sore has gotten down to the bone... gross. But awesome.)

So now, I'm pretty sure that it's the thing that I want to do. Every once in a while, I'll second guess myself but that happens to everyone, right? RIGHT?

I keep getting positive reinforcement from my patients. They keep telling me...

"You'll be a good nurse..."
"You better be going into nursing school..."
"They need more nurses with your attitude..."

And the best is when I get this kind of reinforcement is the kind I get from my peers and coworkers on my floor. Constantly, I keep getting told that I'm doing a great job, and they keep asking if it's my first CNA job. It feels good.

AND.... An even bigger sign was the thank you note I got from my floor manager in the same stack of mail that my acceptance letter came in. All it said, was that many people have told her that I fit in and work hard. It feels so so so so good.

So, that's the plan.... School will start in the spring and I'm totally on board. My life is still moving in the right direction and it makes me excited to live each day as it comes.

One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'd like to move out. But that all depends on finances. I got the job and started school downtown because that would just make it a matter of time before I ended up in that area. And these days, you have to go where the jobs are. It just makes sense. One day my knight in shining whatever will come sweep me off my whatever and we'll live happily ever whatever. Or something. I would love to raise Tegan downtown, or in the Aves. Maybe by the U. There is just an energy up there that I love.

Tegan has been doing great with everything too. She's sleeping for longer stretches of time, thank you lord, and is getting a huge bundle of personality. She rocks my world. I can't wait to see what kind of person she turns into or what she'll do when she grows up...

Anyway... I'm sleepy. We're doing pretty good with keeping people updated though, right?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Code Blue....

Let me start by saying that I'm happy with the national recognition that the company I work for got in the presidential address. I may have only worked there a year this next month, but I really can tell that it's a brilliant company and that their standards are set high. Sure, everyone has their bad experiences everywhere.... and there are those people that are the exception to the rule. Let's face it, they're everywhere. Seriously... I'm just trying to say the quality of care I've seen with this company has been amazing. And most people I know in the company love what they do.

I'm not just trying to talk about how awesome my job is with this post, (I love it still, by the way). I had a point.

One of my patients went on hospice today. For those that don't know, hospice is for patients that are terminally ill. Terminal as in, terminated. To qualify, they have to be expected to die within the 90 day limit. Three months. And there are people that end up going on hospice and end up living past that mark... Bla bla bla. Most of the time they have an expiration date, but things get used up before then.

Sorry to be so blunt about it... But I'm just trying to give some perspective. And it helps just to get the facts out there quick.

This patient, we'll call him G, is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He's older, and I'm not going to talk about what disease he has or any of that. All you need to know right now is that he has been sick for a long time... When I started my training, he was admitted. He has been on that floor for as long as I have. Every day, I have seen him walking the halls with his wife, IV pole, and one of his daughters or some other family member. Someone was almost always there. At night, I would sneak in and get his vital signs, make sure he was comfortable and okay, and tuck him back into bed and let him rest. Remember that dream I mentioned a patient having where I tried to kill him? This was him.

I was in another room, occupied with another patient, when I heard it over the intercom... "Code Blue, West 8, Room ***....."

I knew it was him. I tried to pay no attention to it, because there was nothing I could do at the moment... I heard footsteps running that direction, and I couldn't just leave my patient with what we were doing. He wasn't my patient today. I took a deep breath and continued my work.

I forgot all about it until I heard someone mention his name and that he was coming back and they were putting him on hospice. And I got worried.

His room new room was down by the other patients that I was caring for, so when his family came back up and waited for him, I recognized them. And when the door was closed I knew he had come back. I ran in as fast as I could and put my hand in his.

"Hi G, how are you? Are you feeling okay?"

"Mandy!" He smiled. His face mask kept him from using all of his muscles to stretch his smile all the way, and he gave my hand a squeeze. "I'm ready to die."

He said it so simply, using the same voice he had used to tell me that he didn't need anything else for the rest of the night.

I held his hand a little tighter as he looked into my eyes, and one of his daughters asked me to help set up the suction so he could clean out his mouth. I ran around, trying to find all of the pieces to set up suction for him, and was in and out of the room a lot. But every time I went in, the room was different.

There were more pictures of friends and family slowly being taped up around the room.

More people came in to make sure he was okay.

And more tears were in the eyes of those people.

I finally had the suction set up when he reached for my wrist again.

"What does that say?" He said, weakly, and he turned my wrist to see my tattoo.

"Love is not dead."

He smiled and closed his eyes.

"Sometimes I have to write things on myself so I don't forget them."

And he smiled a little more.

A daughter came and sat on his bed to talk to him, and I found something else to do in the room for a minute. The only part of the conversation I heard him have with her, was that he was ready... and he kept reassuring her that he wasn't scared anymore, and he knew that was his sign that it was time to go.

I found my way out of the room and snuck into a clean utility room so I could take a couple breaths and get myself straightened out before I did anything else. It's hard to disconnect and let it not effect you, but it does sometimes. Patients come in and out of the hospital all the time. I don't know why it hit me so hard.

I made sure to say goodbye to him one last time before I left that day, and told him to be there for me tomorrow so I could come take care of him. And he wouldn't let go of my hand. I couldn't help but smile at his little game. He was always really sweet and always smiled, even though he was in pain. Even though I woke him up through the night. No matter what was going on, he smiled. And he does it still. It amazed me.

During my drive home, the sunset looked brighter. The air smelled sweeter. Everything was more vivid, just like they tell you when you come close to death. Not that I was dying. Not that G is going any time soon... Seeing someone that smiles through extreme pain and sorrow just forces me to appreciate the things I already do a little more than normal.

I hope he's there for me to see tomorrow. He is someone I'll never forget.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

sickness is not fun...ness? whatever.

My poor little Tegan has been really sick today. I took her to the doctor and they said that it was just a cold and some Tylenol should do, but just in case they gave me some medicine... And I ended up needing it.

As I type, I can hear her in the other room, sobbing in her sleep. I feel so terrible! Nothing I could do would calm her down. And finally she fell asleep and was totally relaxed when I put her in the crib. I feel so bad! She can't tell me what's wrong, and I can only guess....

She's had a stuffy nose for a couple days, but sometimes she will get them and they'll go away. Then she got a fever. Then she couldn't stop crying. My poor little girl... I hope things are okay tomorrow, because I have to work 3 twelve hour shifts, three days in a row.

It's times like these that I wish I could just be a stay at home mom, married to a rich whatever, so that I wouldn't have to leave her. But at the same time, it was driving me crazy to have her crying and have me try everything I could and fail over and over again. I was about ready to slam my head through the wall.

I can't believe how big she's getting! Every day she surprises me. She's only using one hand to support herself when she stand now, and it's CRAZY.

Soon it instead of, "Look Mom, one hand!" it will be, "Look Mom! No hands!"

Screwed. That would be me.

But, as usual, I'm off to try to sleep before she wakes up so I can get at least fifteen minutes in my bed without having to jump up and check on her right away...

She's still sobbing in her sleep.... Poor poor baby.

Monday, September 7, 2009

messes are okay when you're a baby

So here's how the night went...

I had been taking a lazy day, trying to get a good nap in before I would get ready to meet this guy that my friend wanted me to meet. Tegan and I were snuggling in the big comfy chair watching a Ghost Hunters episode that I had on my DVR, and my mom called to invite me to a movie that was starting... oh... fifteen minutes later.

Thanks for the "ready... set...." before the "GO!"....


I could have said no, but who could resist Julie and Julia? I hurried and got ready, skipping the shower that I was going to take so I could make a good impression on this guy, and hurried to make it to the movie. I was only fifteen minutes late, including driving time. Go me!

The movie was adorable, by the way. Very well done. And I highly recommend that everyone goes to see it. Young, old, male, female. I actually went with the Golden Girls, a group of older single ladies that live in my neighborhood, ranging from like... 60+. It was very adorable. And they loved it too. Tegan decided that it was a good idea to knock over my popcorn and her snacks... It all ended up all over the floor... Great.

When the movie was done, Tegan and I had ten minutes to get over to Costa Vida across from the Target by my house. Have I mentioned the construction that they've been doing in the area? It is hell. I have no idea why all this needs to happen now, but it is. They're redoing the onramp for the freeway... And by redoing, I mean, making an entire new one. Construction sucks.

So, once I found my way into the parking lot, David, my friend and his new wife and two kids were walking in the parking lot. I parked and unpacked my things, and met them in the parking lot, right outside the doors for the restaurant.

David and Maddie, his new wife, couldn't be more perfect for each other. They fit together, like puzzle pieces. They get each others jokes. Their personalities just match. And David's daughters just seem to fit into both of their lives so well. It's like they were always a family.

Anyway... We stood at the table instead of sitting, catching up. I'm not sure why we didn't sit... Whatever. Bla bla bla... And then I saw this person that I was meeting for the first time. I'm honestly not sure what I think about him still... I'm trying to get a read on him. He was cuter that I thought he was going to be, even though I saw pictures on his Facebook. But I recognized him right away when we was walking through the parking lot into Costa Vida.

Introductions were made, and we made our way through the line, with some small talk... the usual, what's your family like, how many kids, what school... bla bla bla... Things were a little chaotic with a baby who couldn't sit still, and two girls that seemed to be even more all over the place.

David, the nice guy, paid for everyone's dinner, and I was holding Tegan, grabbing the cups for our drinks... and KICK!

She kicked David's tray over. Salad everywhere. Dressing down my arm, all over the floor, and down the walls of the counter. And she giggled... Of course, because to a baby, messes are fun! I wish I could get away with making a big mess and have someone else say, "Oh! That's so cute! Let me clean it up for you..."

Messes like that are only okay when you're little and you don't know any better...

I hardly got to eat any of it, because I had been snacking all day, and my body decided that that moment was the moment to suddenly be stuffed. Tegan wouldn't hold still.... At all. It was a terrible first meeting on my end. Bad move to bring the baby...

He thought she was adorable though, even though she was being a pill. We stayed and talked for a while afterwards... Still trying to feel each other out. He's an artist, who wants to be by the ocean, and he works with troubled youth and disabled adults. He seems like a good guy, but we need to take more time to see what's going on. I just always imagined that when I met that person it would be like when I met Brown Boot. But you never know what will happen.

He got into his retired police car, and I got into Erwin and we drove away. And that was that. We'll see where it goes.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

what's lost is... well... lost.

So I've been working on my Florida blog, and in doing so, I've been going through pictures in my computer so I can show faces and places with everything... And I realized something.

There used to be a folder on my desktop, titled "awesome pictures" and its gone. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but it's vanished. I don't remember deleting it. I don't have any idea what happened to it. Not that it's a super big deal... most of them were pictures from my phone which are already online, but there was a folder in that folder that was titled "the ex files". Pictures I had from dating Brown Boot... And that's gone.

I'm sure he still has them all somewhere. And I know that I have a scrapbook started with some of them in it... But I know there are some in there that I may never get back. And it sucks. It is kinda funny that I called it "the ex files" and it mysteriously disappeared. Maybe I can get Mulder and Skully on the case and they can find them for me...

*X-Files theme music starts playing*

Something about the truth being out there... or something.

It really bugs me that I can't find them anywhere on my computer. Stupid technology. Stupid awesome technology. It can be awesome when we want it to me, and terribly mean when we least expect it. Sometimes.

Oh, and my connector cable for my camera is missing too, so I can't upload any pictures from my camera until I find it or get a new one.... Uber lame.

So here's the other stuff that's been going on...

Tegan is getting HUGE! She's small for her age, but very advanced. She's been pulling herself up to stand for a long time. She does it as much as she can, and crawls all over the place. She loves loves loves bath time. Every time I go into the bathroom and she sneaks in there, she goes straight over to the tub and pulls herself up so she can try to climb in... So, we just keep the door closed unless she's supposed to be in there just to be safe. It's so fun to watch her personality come out. She's a little person! And I made her.

My person gave her a Mickey for Christmas, and it's one of her favorite toys now. Every time I bring him out, she gets a big grin on her face and starts giggling, and doing the half clap thing that she always does. The other day when she went down for a nap, she had Mickey in there with her. After she cried for a minute, I went to check on her because it got really quiet... and she was passed out with him on top of her.

She's always loved her reflection, but she's finding it in new places... Like the fridge and the oven. It's so funny to watch her sit in front of the fridge and try to start eating herself... I keep trying to get pictures, but she still gets distracted every time I pull out the camera. She also talks all the time. It's the sweetest noise ever... Hearing three little words come a close second.

She's been doing so well with everything.... Sometimes it gets tough, but she's honestly an amazingly easy baby. I can't believe how big she's getting. She's up to three jars(ish) of baby food every day now, and is trying more foods... But for a little while... (I'm going to get kinda gross for a second, but other moms understand....)

Her poop got really really hard. Little, hard, black poops. She would be crawling around, playing, giggling... And then she would get into position. She'd crouch, kind of on all fours, grunt a few times, and then start screaming like it was the most painful thing ever. It was so hard for me to watch! Every time afterwards, she would come crawling over to me, tears in her eyes and still sobbing, and then I'd change her and she's get on her way. She gets over getting hurt really fast, which will hopefully stick with her for a long time.

Anyway... I think I may have fixed the problem. Too much iron. Which is funny, because I wasn't getting enough during my pregnancy. She's an iron hog.... Anyway, her cereal is iron fortified, so we stopped feeding her that and started giving her a little bit of prune and apple juice mixed together so it doesn't taste so gross, and problem is pretty much solved! We'll see if it keeps up.

Work has been amazing. I'm so happy I finally love my job! The people I work with are great. They make it so much easier to get through the night, and it makes for some entertaining conversations. The shift does get really hard sometimes... But that's how it goes with an overnight shift. I catch my second, third, and sometimes forth wind by the time that everyone is waking up, and then as soon as I can get somewhere to crash, I'm out for a couple hours. And then it's play time!

But the money should be worth it. And I get time with Tegan during the day. The people I work with are amazing. But I'm still trying to decide if nursing is what I really want to do. I love the work, and I could see myself being in a hospital for a long time, but at the same time, I know I want to be able to raise a family and live my own life... And if I get too involved with working in a hospital, or try to do the nursing manager thing, then my life would be the hospital's and not my own.

I'm a woman that would stand behind her man with anything... If it was right. The main reason I'm working on my career is so I can better myself and make the best of my life while it's just me an Tegan. Because what if someone doesn't come a long? I'm not saying that once I finally trick someone into being with me, I'll stop working by any means... I just think it would be good to be able to support myself, and be able to help with finances, and whatever else. If that ever happens. I'm very skeptical right now.

Ha ha, oh goodness... you know how I titled one of my more recent blogs, "something about ducks in a row"? Awesome story.... I had a patient that wasn't really with it, and he kept telling me I needed to find twenty ducks because someone had stolen them. From a boat. Somewhere. Because hospitals have boats, right?

I'm meeting someone, possibly tomorrow.... Not really going to give details, but I'll let you know how it goes when it's over... As for now, I'm super sleepy, and it's time for bed.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Mad for Mad Men

he still wears those brown boots....

I totally had you sitting on the edge of your seat, didn't I? I just know your eyes were glazed over in shock when I wrote my last post and just left with another classic cliffhanger. I should have my own TV show. I could make it entertaining.... A combination of Scrubs, Grey's, and hell, let's throw in some Gilmore Girls and SATC. Why not?

Okay... How do I know he wears the same brown boots? Because I saw them... Here is what happened.

One night I was talking to my person about something... I'm not really sure what to be perfectly honest, and quite frankly it doesn't matter, but somehow Brown Boot came up and she mentioned she talked to him and that he was leaving. He had always talked about fixing up the sail boat in Georgia and traveling around the country on a motorcycle.... And he finally got that bike. He'll be gone by the end of this month.

He had always talked about leaving, and I knew it could happen one day, but when she mentioned that he was going to be leaving right before she came back home, which is another story in it's self, and that they were going to just miss each other, my heart moved up from my chest and started pounding in my throat.

Not like it should be a big deal. It shouldn't have a huge effect on me.... Not like I had seen him since I first moved to Florida over two years ago. We haven't been officially together for about 3 years this Thanksgiving. It shouldn't make me nervous. It shouldn't make me miss him more than I already did. It shouldn't make me remember the way that he kissed me, or how it felt to be in his arms.... It shouldn't matter.

But it did.

He and I had talked a few times. Random conversations here and there about movies and music and whatever. And that one talk we had during my friend's bachelorette party.... (and that one was a doozie... I'm not going to tell you what was said, sorry!) But in these conversations, one of us would always mention that we should see each other soon. And I wanted it to happen. I was just too chicken to bring it up myself or try to plan anything. No joke. For all I knew, I could have been growing feathers and a beak and working on hatching an egg in a hen house for farmer Jon.

The next day I had to run up to work for some stuff. And I knew I had a chance to see him... So I wrote him that morning....


Hours later I got a reply. He had bought his bike, had saved up the money, and he was going to be gone for a month, come back and hunt with his dad, and then head down to Georgia and fix up the boat... and be down there for possibly a year.

My heart jumped back into my throat. It shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter.... But it did.

I told him that I wanted to go for a ride on his bike and see him before he left. We always talked about it, why not do it?

And then he told me to come up to his house....

I was shocked. Totally stunned. I wasn't sure what to think. Seriously? Did that really just happen? I don't really know what I expected. I mean, I'm still shocked that we've been talking as long as we have, considering the things that had been said the night of the bachelorette party. He hadn't run off like he always did. He didn't stop talking to me, like he always did... Who was this person? I haven't met this guy... Had he really changed as much as everyone said he did?

So, I drove up to the frat house, parked and walked to the front door and called him. I hadn't dialed his number in so long... And when he answered the phone and I heard his voice... I melted. My heart was beating faster and I could feel my pulse down in my fingertips and toes... and I had to remind myself to breathe.

I walked in to the house, and noted that there were beer cans everywhere. The place was a total dump to be perfectly honest. They had just gotten the place and it was in desperate need of repairs and some decorations. They did have couches, and a shirtless brother was totally passed out on one. I didn't even wake him up while I was talking on the phone to Brown Boot.

I met him outside on the patio that was in the center of the house. It was surrounded by windows from both stories of the house. He was out there with some of the other brothers, smoking. Apparently they had a little party the night before, which explained him responding so late... and it also explained the dude passed out on the couch.

He looked amazing. He looked fit. He had the same smile in his eyes when I saw him... and he hugged me. I played it cool though... I was totally nervous, and I'm sure he could tell, but I kept breathing and survived to tell the tale. He introduced me to everyone and we sat down, and I noticed it... He was wearing the same brown boots. New clothes, but the same exact boots. The soles were worn down of course, but they were the same. And so was he.

But there was something different. I couldn't put my finger on it, and it intrigued me. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.

For most of the time other people were there. I saw one guy in his underwear, and one in a towel, and one that was totally naked because he couldn't find a towel. It helped break the ice, I guess you could say. Typical frat house to say the least.

We told stories from when we dated, and it was awesome to tell them together. That hadn't happened for years, and I was so used to just telling my side, and it was nice to hear what he had to say. We talked about our families and what we had been up to... Life. And it felt good. It didn't feel like it had been over two years since we had seen each other. It felt fresh. It felt amazing.

He kept asking me to go to lunch, but I knew I should go home. I would loved to have spent the entire night with him. I left for the baby, who has become the new love of my life.

He walked me out to see the old truck that we used to ride around in all the time... The steering wheel and stick shift was more worn than I had remembered it.... The second I looked inside I started having flash backs of him holding my hand and resting in on the stick shift. I remembered going camping and sleeping in the trailer bed. I remembered having our one month anniversary up by the Bountiful B with chinese food and my first taste of chai while sitting on the trailer bed and watching the sun set. I remembered the first night I met him, when I jumped on the tire and climbed to sit on top of the camper shell... and he tried to make me feel bad for kneeing his window.... I probably stood staring in the passenger window for less than 30 seconds, but the more memories flooded my brain.... I was praying that it wouldn't end up like Katrina.

His bike was pretty. Minus the duct tape. But it looked really nice and just like I imagined his bike looking. I still couldn't believe that he was leaving...

Like a gentleman, he walked me out front to my car. And kept trying to walk to the wrong one. And I spilled my guts. I told him that I stood by everything I said in our conversation at the bachelorette party. And that I was really hoping that I wouldn't have a nervous break down when I got home. And that he had set the standard for the other guys that I dated.... He told me that first love is a powerful thing, and the what really got me was the next thing he said...

He told me that he was sorry for ending things like he did, but he knew that at that time we couldn't be together. That we needed to grow up. And he knew he couldn't talk to me or see me for a while or else it we would end up back where we were. He had to make me hate him so that I could move on too. And he made it clear that there may be a chance in the future but most importantly...

He said he was sorry. And he meant it.

He said he wants to hang out again. We're ready now, I guess you could say.

He hugged me again, and I felt him the same way I felt him in my dreams. I smelled him again... And he smelled the same.

I got in the car and turned it on. And "Use Somebody" started playing on my CD player. Not helping. I took a deep breath. I cracked my knuckles. And I drove home.

I survived the whole thing! I haven't had a total nervous breakdown. I didn't crash. I didn't cry. A lot. I made it through seeing him. And it felt good. At the very least, I know that he and I could be friends. And that's good enough for me.

I finally understand it all. I get why he did what he did. It took me a long time to really get it, and to get over the pain he caused. But it made me stronger. And it made me better. It made me what I am today. And even though he hurt me more than anyone else, I could thank him for turning me into the person I am now.

Honestly, I could be with someone else. I know that if I found someone that I fell in love with the same way I fell in love with him, I could spend my life with that person.

But he still wears the same brown boots....

Friday, August 28, 2009

something about ducks in a row...


I haven't turned on my personal computer since I unpacked my things from Oregon. How long ago was that? About two months ago. Seriously? How on earth did I do that? There once was a point where I wouldn't go a day with out opening my antique of an iBook, and I realized that I actually had to look for my computer. I didn't know where it was... Seriously? Seriously. That has got to change. It was long over due for updates, and a little revamping.... New wallpaper, new settings, new updates... Fresh. It feels nice. And it moves faster than it did before too. Happy day! That's why I didn't want to use it much in the first place!

Tegan is in the crib, and is pretty much sleeping through the night. In her own crib. By herself. Sure, I still soothe her to sleep, but once she's in there, she sleeps like a rock. And it makes for a happy Mandy. It gives me time to open my computer, spend an hour updating it, and take the time to post something that doesn't sound crazy.

I can't believe how big she is getting! She's pulling herself to stand already and climbs all over the place. Bath time is the best time ever. I can put her in there with a few toys, and she'll splash around for ten minutes before she'll realize what she's in there for. She loves the water, just like her mommy. She giggles and laughs all the time, and is getting a lot of personality. I can't believe it! It makes me smile to know that I made her, and that I'm helping her learn and grow. With the help of some friends and family of course.... But she is part me. And I love her.

When I was getting ready for my first shift by myself last night at my new awesome job, she was playing around in the bathroom. I was trying to do my hair, and she was working on pulling down my pants, because that's the cute thing to do when you're a baby. When you're older, it's not something you can get away with as easily. She uses whatever she can to try to pull herself up to stand the best she can. She'll be walking before I know it... In about a week she'll be 7 months old... Good lord... I still can't believe it...

Anyway, she was working on pulling down my pants, and was doing the usual giggling baby babble that she always does when she's having fun. I looked down at her and this is what happened...

"Hey pretty lady! What are you doin' down there?"

My eyes got as wide as golf balls.

"What did you just say?"
"MOMOMOMOMOMOM!" Followed by a squeal and a giggle.

I was so excited! Her first real word! Kinda... Maybe. I had a huge grin on my face and I ran upstairs to show my mom and of course she just sat there. Like a baby. Laughed and smiled and all that, but no words.

But tonight on the other hand... We were going back downstairs after our neighbors had rang the doorbell and my mom was walking back into the kitchen. She turned to Tegan and did the usual, "I'm talking to a little thing" face and voice, and said "Hi!" and Tegan said it right back. No hesitation. She had a huge smile on her face and giggled again. My daughter is amazing. She's been saying "Mom" all day but not of course when I want her to do it. Things seem to happen when you least expect them.

She's been doing great staying with my neighbor, who is, no joke, officially dubbed the baby whisperer. They get along great! I wish that she could watch Tegan all the time. I really can't believe how big she's getting... Seriously.

So, let me give some details about the new job. I love it.

The people on my floor are awesome. I get along with them great! And it's not half as hard as I expected. I just need to work on my time management and get into a system, which always takes time at a new job. The paycheck isn't too shabby either. I'm getting a lot more than I did before and that makes everything so much more awesome. Not to mention several patients that tell me I'm going to be an amazing nurse. That makes it so much more meaningful. And I am constantly learning! I love it. It keeps my brain going.

The night shift is taking some getting used to for sure. But it's not as bad as other people say it is. Not to mention the pay increase. I do feel bad waking patients up to do what I need to do, but they don't seem to mind. They get used to the crazy workings of a hospital, just like I am.

Two patients last night had me laughing pretty good... Well, they all did, but I had two experiences that I think are okay to share.

There is an older gentleman, in his seventies, who I had worked with a couple times before. I went in at 4AM to get his vital signs, and when he woke up this is what happened....

"Oh, hello there Mandy. I was just having a dream about you."


"Oh really? What was it?"

He smiled a little bit, closing his eyes again and responded in his raspy sick voice, "It was like a movie."

"Like you were watching a movie?" At this point I was taking his blood pressure and about ready to leave the room because I wasn't really sure where he was going with it...

"Yeah. We were in this really old house and you knocked on the door with a bunch of other people and you were all running around trying to kill me......." And he laughed.

I had to admit, I laughed a little too. It was a lot better than the type of dream I was expecting him to tell me.

"Ha ha, I'm not going to try to kill you. I promise. In fact, I'm trying to do the opposite."

Drugs make you have crazy dreams.

My other patient that I had a bit of fun with was trying to set me up with the male nurse I was working with that night. Ha ha, too bad he's married. With four kids. So not gonna happen. But he was very nice and kept telling me I was amazing. And if I was 20 years older we could have gotten married.

Okay... Bed time. Now that I'm actually using my computer, I should hopefully try to post more. Motivation or something.... I'm still getting stuff worked out for Spring Semester at the U. Super excited! I haven't gotten my acceptance letter yet... but I'm pretty sure that I'm in because I went already a couple years ago. Oh oh! And next time, I'll have a very impressive update dealing with the brown boot. That's right, another cliffhanger. I'm sure I won't leave you hanging as long this time...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

for sale.... as is.

If I were to write the introduction that Carrie is usually seen typing on her Mac in the first scene of many Sex and the City episodes, it may read a little something like this....

I've been thinking of what my personal ad would say, should I write one. I'm not by any means saying that I'm going to put one out there, or that I've considered signing up for a dating website, because that's just crazy. What would I say about myself? What first impression would I want to give my possible significant other?

"single, white, female. Ginger. 22. Mother. Never married."

That itself kind of implys that I'm either crazy or I've been through some tough shit. Or a combination of the two.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized something more creative would suit me better...

"heart for sale. As is. SWF, 22, ginger, mother. One of a kind."

What does "as is" imply? That means I'm not going to fix anything about myself for another person. Should I decide to make changes myself after finding someone, I'll do it. But it could also mean that it's cheap and could break down at any moment.... I won't go into any more examples dealing with cars because honestly, I don't know any.

Furniture stores seem to have more examples that apply to the situation a little better. They have scratch and debt sales.... Prices get knocked down because someone accidently damages it in a small or big way. Okay, sometimes a cruel person will do it on purpose to knock the price down themselves. Boo to them. Seriously. Not cool.

But you see where I'm going with this.... When something is damaged, it's easier to lower the price to it sold. But sometimes when it's been through a lot, when it's older and has had some experience it's worth more. The water rings from cups being placed on them when there were no coasters, the dents and marks from being moved from house to house, or from people digging whatever into it or putting their feet on the edhe .... Bla bla bla. Any damage that it may see in it's existance gives it character. It means more to the person who actually owns it and it becomes priceless. The memories sometimes imprinted on the surfaces.... Someone may not notice each individual scratch and dent, but overall those damages that would knock down the price make it priceless. Gives it character. Makes it beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all...

So the key is to find someone who wants the scratches and dents. Who understands their beauty and importance. Someone who understands that they are there for a reason and they don't try to wear the surface down or buff the imperfections out.

I bet you didn't see me going that deep into some analogy dealing with furniture, did you? Totally caught you off guard. That's just how awesome I am. I'm not wearing anything hip or fancy, and I'm not writing in NYC, much less on a computer. But that had a little SATC in it if you ask me. Then again, it was another 12 hour day at my new awesome job. And I am very sleepy. I just wanted to write it out while it still made sense to me.

My job is awesome. My baby is beautiful. And I'm sleepy. I'll write more soon. Hugs and kisses.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I've hit Refresh and I like the results....

A whole new world of possibilities has opened its doors for me! That sounds uber cheesy, I know, but in a way it's true. Let's catch you up, because I keep saying I need to get better with posting and I'm still working on it... A new computer may help. But that takes money. We'll see....

Okie day! Job update!

I had my last day in housekeeping on Sunday. Super sad, I know I know... how will the toilets at UVRMC get cleaned now?! Someone else is going to have to do it. Everything happened so quickly with my new job, I'm not sure if some of my favorite people at work even know that I left! A week ago Thursday, I had two interviews, one right after another. Going into it, I felt very confident that one of them was made for me... and I thought it was the opening in Murray. I went into both
interviews with an open mind and high hopes that it would finally be my turn. MY TURN. It was about damn time that someone finally saw my potential and desire to use my CNA.

The first interview was for LDS Hospital. It was a one on one interview, and honestly I had totally forgotten that I had even applied for it until I got an e-mail weeks before saying they
were still considering me for the position. Joy, the floor manager, called me to set up a time for the interview and even said she would leave her meetings early so she could meet with me because she thought it would be worth it to at least talk. And the interview was amazing. I felt like I totally clicked with her. I didn't put on a face and I didn't act needy.... But when she was explaining my duties, I couldn't help but get excited. I was ready to learn more. I want to be a nurse when I grow up, and it's as close to nursing as I can get while going to school. The manager and I clicked and ended up talking for
an hour and cutting into someone else's interview time. I had it. I didn't want to get my hopes up.... But I knew the job was mine.

The other interview was for IMC in Murray. It was a huge group interview, and as they talked about the duties and everything, I didn't seem half as excited for it. I wanted this one because it would be a little less driving... But I wasn't so sure after talking to Joy from LDS.... I was just ready to have a job that wasn't in housekeeping... So again, I went into it with an open mind. There were about 18 people in the interview, with a lot of variety... Utah Blondes, you know the one's I'm talking about... Bleach blonde hair, teased in the back so it looks like a shelf that you could stack books on and run around, but never have the book budge or fall. There were some older ladies that had changed their careers when the economy went bad... and there was a girl that had just married a multi-millionaire who now had nothing.... And a girl that wanted to be a mortician when she grew up. Tattoos, black hair, and a ton of stories dealing with the fathers of her 4 kids and how having them was the only way to stop self mutilating herself.

Enough of that. I knew after interviewing at LDS I didn't want this job in Murray. Working at LDS would be another step closer to downtown. And I reapplied for school at the U this spring. It just makes sense.

You know what job I got? That's right! The one at LDS. I'm so excited! I start training tonight. It's amazing how things just fall into place... I can't wait! It's like I've hit the refresh button that's hiding somewhere in my body. I feel new. Especially with everything going on around me.

Now that I finally have a job that I was working so hard for, I feel.... Weird. It's like, now I'm here.... What do I do? You plan and you work for something, and when you finally get it, it's like... woah. What now?

I'll tell you what now... I keep living my life. I work hard with this job, go to school, work hard in school and have the same thing happen when school is over. "I'm finally here... now what?"

The same thing will possibly happen when I find a man. While we're on this topic, I was thinking the other day, which is rare.... Happily ever after. It's not always the end of something. It's like, I finally got to one happily ever after... what happens after that? And what does it take to get there? So often in fairy tales, the girl dreams of some prince charming, they meet, a bunch of crap happens, and they end up getting married and they live"happily ever after". Until
in our world, the perfect couple gets divorced... I was watching Enchanted yesterday, by far one
of my favorite movies and not just because McDreamy is in it, but I thought of something while watching it. What if that witch didn't push her into the wishing well and she hadn't of ended up in NYC and by chance bumped into McDreamy? What if she ended up marrying this totally dim vain prince charming who she had only known for a day? She met this guy, was ready to marry him, and then a bunch of crap happened and she met her McDreamy. Who she ended up loving more than she knew. He taught her something about herself that she wouldn't have known if she married the idiotic prince, who, let's face it, was totally full of him self.

It just proves my point. Almost everyone has that person. That "what if". Tegan's father was my "what if" at one point, and he knows it. And I realized that I had to get away because I realized I didn't belong with him. I reevaluated my life and what I wanted and realized he wasn't the one. There is still another big "what if" guy that will always be stuck in my head. Yes. Brown freaking Boot. Maybe one day it could happen. But if it doesn't, I'll know that it all this stuff that's going on is making me stronger and teaching me more about myself. And either way, I'll learn some good life lessons and realize what I want. And live ever after. It doesn't always have
to start happily, but it would be nice if it ended that way.

Anyway, that's my thing about how fairy tales can relate to real life. I'm done standing on my soap box now. (gently steps down from soap box....)

With the other more important news.....

Tegan is officially six months old as of the 6th! She had her shots and everything at the doctor, who was shocked when he came into the room. Tegan was playing on the floor while we waited for him to come in. He knocked on the door, came in, saw her sitting up and looking at him, went out the door, and came back. This is how it went...

"This is Tegan, right?"
"And she's 6 months old today?"
"Okay, I guess I'm in the right room. She's gotten so big and is doing such advanced stuff, I thought I went into the wrong room!"

Which made me feel like a an awesome mommy....

As of Sunday has been crawling all over the place. She can sit up and everything, which is the cutest thing in the world. She plays with everything that isn't a toy, including wipes and
junk mail. When she first tried sitting up, she could do it about half way and would support her weight with one hand. She realized that she could do it with no hands, and would last for a second or two before she would fall over on her side. Sunday, when she crawled on all fours towards me, she had gotten upset for whatever reason and was sobbing like it was the end of the world. I made my self visible, and bent down and reached out my hands for her a few feet away and called her to come over to me. She got up on all fours, and inch by inch made her way towards me, still sobbing as if someone had seriously offended her, and stopped once she got in my arms.

Now when I walk away, she has realized that she can crawl over to where I am. She can crawl over to the basket where we keep her diapers and toys for when she plays upstairs.... And now that she can sit up with no hands, she can empty the basket if I'm not paying attention and scatter the diapers, toys and wipes all over the place like it's a fun new game.

She went through a shrieking phase.... I'm not talking, happy joyous shrieks. No. These were bad. Earsplitting, nails on chalkboard, "fix the situation now or I'm going to make your eardrums explode" shrieks. Which were usually resolved by shrieking back. It would have been very funny from an outsider's point of view to see a little girl screaming, and her mother and grandmother screaming back. A couple times she would cry.... But the habit was quickly nipped in the butt. She still eats her toes every once in a while... and hasn't really gotten addicted to her thumb or a bink. I'm still a very lucky mother.

I still can't believe how big she's getting. It's like... Blink. She's crawling. Blink. She's a teenager... Blink... She's getting married before me.

Speaking of.... Someone is very hungry and needs my attention. More to come when I have time to breathe! Thanks for reading.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

inch by inch... mile by mile...

I need to get better at posting... How long have I been saying that? No matter how many times I say it, it's true.

The wedding was beautiful! And yes, I'm just now talking about the wedding that was well over a week ago. It was an outdoor wedding with a BBQ reception. The dress? Georgeous. The ceremony? I cried. The whole thing? Magic. The entire time I was standing up at the alter, I had a certain someone in mind. Even if that person may not exist anymore, I'm still in love with the memory and what could have been. And for some reason, I could still see myself walking down the aisle towards him... I can still see us having our first dance (and have even hea
rd what song would play in my dreams...)

I saw her walking down the aisle with her father, and the 200 guests stood up as they always do, and the tears started coming. The photographer must have thought it made for a good picture, because he started taking pictures of me and Allie, the MOH, who was also crying. She got to the alter, was handed of to her future husband, and the ceremony began. It all started with a yellow Jeep....

When they turned for the first time as husband and wife, and began to walk back down the aisle, Another One Bites The Dust began to play. Classic. We made it through another wedding and I know it won't be the last. Even though many of my friends swear they're never getting married, myself included, we know it will happen at some point. Sure, it may not be for another 20 years, but it will happen. Baby steps...

My VersaSpa tan looked great in the pictures! I wasn't orange at all and it looked rather natural... in the one's I've seen so far anyway... We had taken the entire day to get ready.... MAC for makeup, and HairPort for hair.... A stop at CPK for some lunch. It all took a lot longer than I expected. But everyone looked so pretty. And as each thing on our check list was completed, I started to get more nervous for the bride.

Chelsea played it cool the entire day, because she knew other people were freaking out. Like her mom. And the groomsmen. Here's a little hint to anyone getting married.... I know it sounds like a good idea, but never have the bachelor/bachelorette parties the night before the wedding. It's your own damn fault if you stay away until 5am drinking beer and then get upset because you didn't get any sleep and you have a wedding to plan. Don't get mad at the bridal party because they took their time getting pretty. We played the night before and knew what we were getting ourselves in to.

But in the end everything worked out. There were rose petals lining the aisle. Large vases with river rocks, branches, and goldfish lined the aisle. The cake matched her dress with the same color and design on each tear.... Her dress fit perfectly. The bridesmaids looked great. The food tasted delicious. The garter was on her leg and was kinda uncomfortable like they always are. The bouquet was thrown to the maid of honor who had been making not so subtle hints to her boyfriend, the best man, all night. Sure there was some chaos. Like one of the groomsmen not being able to make the ceremony for certain reasons... But things like that are better left unnoticed. I tend to think of the good things. Having some champagne and wine in my system helped a little bit too.

I hardly got to hold Tegan the entire night. She was in someone's arms the whole night. Some strangers, and some old friends. But she did fine. She fell asleep and my mother took her back to the inn before the cake was cut. She just missed the toast.

We headed to the after party at some bar with an 80's cover band. It was Allie's 21st birthday! Woot! Lots of drinks were had. Lots of dancing happened. A little bit of shameless flirting with a guy that looked like Charlie from It's Always Sunny, and some other guy with an accent. And the guys in the band. The bar slowly closed down and we made our way out. I rode with Rachel and her boyfriend back to the Inn, leaving my purse in the back of Allie's car. Awesome. She sent it to me. No worries.

The dive back to Utah wasn't so bad. It took a long time, that's for sure. We left the inn later than we expected. We were 3 hours away from home when we decided to stay the night in Burley, ID. My friend had come home from his mission, and we decided that it would be better to stop and say hi on the way home instead of driving home then back tracking another hour back up to where he lives.

Tegan did a lot better on the way home with someone in the back seat with her. She cried less, we stopped more, and everyone had a better time. Overall, the trip was just what I needed. I got to relax and breathe. I got some time away from work and enough time away from the baby to be my own person. I'm totally content being a mother now and feel more comfortable in my own postpregnant body.

Tegan is pretty much crawling now. She's got the army crawl down and can get up on all 4's like she's been doing it forever. Her only problem is once she gets up she crosses her legs and rolls over, and then this look pops on her face that cracks me up every time. She has found her toes for sure... She sucks on her big toe every chance she can get... Speaking of... she's crying. So I've gotta go. I'll try to do better with posting!

Monday, July 13, 2009

from rose stems beauty grows...

Oregon was amazing... It was so fun to get out there and to see friends from the past. A lot happened...
But it's all a blur! We already talked about the coast and the aquarium... Let me tell you what else happened....

Wednesday, I ran around with Chelsea, bride to be, and we did a couple wedding things. She came over to the hotel, and we picked out shoes and I showed her pictures... Then we ran to her cute cute house that she and her now husband live in together! It was kind of a mess, but so adorable! I would live there in a heart beat. And there is a about an acre and a half for their 2 dogs to run around in. They are very very luck to have such a great place! Except, the owners are building on it and they're trying to find a new place to live... On the way back, we noticed one of the houses had a ton of roses in full bloom with a bunch of different colors... What a coincidence! We needed to find roses for free from whoever we could for the flower girls and for the aisle runners. Chelsea's mom had gone through a whole mess Tuesday night when she was trying to get them, and hopefully there would be enough there that we wouldn't have to bother too many people.

The house belonged to an elderly couple, who had a daughter that would come to visit every Wednesday. There were two rows of rose bushes on the side of the house with about 10-15 bushes in each row. And more roses in the back... How lucky we were to find that house! Chelsea ran inside while I stayed out in the car with Tegan, and she came back with a thumbs up! We got out of the car with a garbage bag and clippers that Chelsea had packed just in case we were to stumble on such a lucky occasion. We trotted down the hill and started clipping roses. I held the bag and Tegan, and Chels clipped the ones she thought would work perfectly. The elderly couple came out, the man with a wheelchair, followed by their daughter and someone else, and they began to dig up bulbs that had passed their prime as we clipped.

The man was stubborn... Chelsea had seen him earlier that week with an edger, and he was edging his own yard from the wheelchair! He hacked away at the ground and his daughter came to tell us a story. Apparently, at her first wedding (she's divorced now) they had beautiful roses in a vase up at the alter. Her mother thought they were so beautiful, that she and her husband decided to give them to her. When she thought the roses were dead, her now ex husband took them and found a way to make them grow from the stems. The roses on the side of the house were from their actual wedding ceremony, and he made sure that his mother in law could enjoy them for as long as possible. It was one of the sweetest thing I had ever heard! We had gathered enough roses to fill up the garbage bag, and headed to her mom's house to put them in water before we went for our pedicures....

After the pedicures was the bachelorette party! WOOO! It was also the first night that I would leave Tegan over night with someone else... Very very scary. I do not need to publish the details for the bachelorette party, because the people that need to know what happened already do and were there. There were some very interesting conversations.... Ones that have possibly given me new hope and one in particular that opened my eyes to some very positive thinking. I will say that love never fades, and this should hold true for the happy couple. After all, they've been together for a total of six years, and are now finally married! Wait... I should say "love is not dead" because the actual reason I got the tattoo still hold true.

I didn't know the other girls in the bridal party very well... But this party definitely helped break the ice and make things not very awkward on the actual wedding day. They made me feel like I was part of the group and I believe that I made some very good friends. It made it very hard to leave when the day finally came.

I drove home in the morning, and found my baby happy and well in the arms of my mom at the Lakeshore Inn. I had been nervous the entire time, and could not wait to get back to her. But she had done just fine and actually slept through the entire night.