Tuesday, December 9, 2008

stupid baby daddy drama


Apparently there are some things that I need to clear up... still. Which is really starting to bug me.

I got pregnant in May, about the time I started working at Bad Ass Coffee - still one of the best coffee houses ever, fyi. Pregnancy is 40-41 weeks, or about ten months. No joke. I'm due towards the end of February. The only person I have been with since, like, December is KJ who is the father. We were together, up until I moved back to Utah on the Fourth of July.

Now I didn't move because I was pregnant. I booked the ticket, and then found out two weeks after everything was already rolling that I was pregnant. I was packing up my stuff and found a pregnancy test in my bathroom things and took it. Then took a couple more just to make sure. Then I went to the doctor that Monday and they confirmed it. I still left the Friday after that.

The most recent rumor that I've heard, is that I didn't get pregnant until I moved back to Utah when I supposedly slept with an ex boyfriend. As you can see from the information above, it would be totally impossible for the baby to be anyone else's. Not only have I not been with anyone else, mathematically it would be totally impossible. For it to be even close to true, the baby would be born sometime in May, and not at the end of February... and it would also require me sleeping with someone else.

I don't know exactly who started this, but it's stupid. Someone told me that the father, KJ, started telling everyone that it's not his and that I wasn't pregnant when I left. I call total and complete bull shit on this one kids. Sorry to break your hearts. I don't know if he is denying it, or what he's said to other people. But it has to be his. And no, I didn't do it on purpose either. Why would I get pregnant and then leave???

I don't feel sexy enough to be sleeping around with ANYONE! My belly is getting bigger, I'm extremely uncomfortable all the time, and I'm working a lot. Plus, I'm pretty sure no one is interested in me like that right now...

So please, leave my poor little unborn daughter out of this stupid drama. She didn't do anything to deserve this, and she has no idea it's going on in the first place. Somebody is lying, and it's not me. There are a million ways you can check your facts. If you have any questions about what's going on, ask me instead of asking other people. You'll probably get the most correct information from the person it involves instead of getting it from somewhere else.

Please and thank you!

On other notes, things are moving smoothly and she's kicking like mad. I thought I was possibly going to be a week late, but I may end up being early! I'll keep peoples updated as new info comes around.

dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed i could...

Okay... So I've already said that I don't know why I keep posting blogs that are like letters to you. I know that you will never read them. Ever. Once upon a time, you used to, but I know that you won't even glance their way again. But here's another one... So here it goes.

I had another dream about you last night. Every time you creep into my sleep, your ghost follows me around for at least a week. Not fair. It makes me wonder if I have this same effect on you... if you ever dream about me, which would be a way for your subconscious to unwillingly get me into your head, because that's what it does for me. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me?

Your life is so different now from what I hear. You're a totally different person. And that boy that I gave my heart to is gone. He took it and ran, giving me the seashell skeleton key only recently, and taunting me to find it again so I can unlock it and love like I've never loved before.

You have someone else, or you did last I heard. You're supposedly happy living your life under a different name than the ones that really knew you used to call you. You've changed your clothes, your personality... everything. I don't know you.

But this person that I knew keeps haunting me. The ghost of who the world once knew you as is following me around. He slips on those brown boots and walks into my mind when I'm asleep, and when I least expect it. Every time, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell that familiar smell that we used to have after hours of laying next to each other, and I can feel the warmth of his body... It's like he's right there, holding me like he used to. I wake up, and he's gone. The words that he said still echo in my head, and it will for days after the dream has happened...

"I'm okay, but I need you right now."

Is this one of the dreams that we used to have together? Back in the day, we would dream similar things... Our little boy said goodbye to you days before he left. We get this sense that something isn't right with the other person, and that's when we would reach out and finally say something... words of encouragement, or just a simple hello. But I can't do that now. I know that if I write to you, or if I try to find you, my head will get messed up all over again. I can't tell you to your face that I still love you and care about you, and that you are constantly on my mind no matter how much I beg for you to leave me alone. I can't ask if you're okay. I can't tell you in any way, shape, or form... especially if hearing from me has the same effect on you that the reverse has had on me.

I want so badly to reach out to you and start talking... be friends. But the thought of you being so different, and being with someone else... God, it tears me up inside. I wish I didn't have to write this stupid stuff to get my thoughts down. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could slap you in the face, give you a good hearty shake, and tell you to snap out of it and go back to being you. But this new you, may be the real you. And I don't know that person.

The day before Thanksgiving marks the two year anniversary of us officially not being together. It was the final break up. The other times since then we've just talked about getting back together, and started to go through the motions... then you would disappear again. This time of year is always hard for me... It puts you on my mind.

I need to not let you get to me anymore. I may not be able to stop the dreams, but I can let them not ruin me. Right now is the time to prove to myself and to the world, including you, that I am a strong person. That my head is on straight, and that I can do anything. I need to move forward with my life and show the world I can. And I need to do it alone. I need to be as independent as possible. I can totally do it.

Everyone has that "one that got away." I wish mine wasn't you.

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seem if I just dream
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye'.

look how cultured I am... I totally just quoted Phantom of the Opera in my blog.

So, strap on your brown boots. Stomp through my dreams. Do your worst. Torment me, torture me, and remind me what I had and lost. I'm determined to handle it and let it make me a stronger person. I will always love you. But when or if the next love comes into my life, it will be greater than anything I've ever known. I'll find my heart, and use that seashell skeleton key to unlock it. I will call FEMA and make them hurry up and repair the damage from your hurricane in a quick and efficient manner, and make some updates along the way. I will investigate the ghosts you keep throwing at me, and learn what they want me to learn. I will repair the damage done to the car that somehow crashed.

If anything, you were here to teach me a lesson. And I'm going to learn whatever it is.

ready or not, here i come...

I love my job. I don't care about the hours, or that I have to sleep in the back of my mom's car for an hour before my shift starts (hopefully that will change soon... keep your fingers crossed!). I know it's not a super incredible job.... I clean patient rooms, and keep things tidy for the staff. Yeah, I'm a housekeeper. But I'm more than fine with it! It's a step in the right direction. It has benefits. It's in a hospital, and it's exactly where I want to be. Sometimes, when you want a career somewhere, you have to start at the bottom. At least I'm not doing food service crap anymore. I can't wait to be a nurse... Life seems to be going in the right direction.

The people I work with are awesome. We laugh every day, and make sure that we have a good time. There's a sense of respect. And everyone is happy to be there... Even though it's early in the morning, we're tired and the patients don't always want to be there. Every one has a smile on their face.

The baby has been driving me crazy! My boobs are getting bigger, to match my growing belly. She gets up into my ribs, and when she moves down low, I can feel it in places I didn't know I could feel things like that. And if you watch closely, you can see her move on the outside. She's stretching and growing, and my belly button has gone from an innie, to an inbetweenie, to what now looks like a little slit. And I'm more than okay with all of it. It's what is supposed to happen. I'm having a baby girl. I'm going to be a mom. I'm terrified that I'll mess it up, but at the same time I'm excited to take care of this little human and watch her grow, mature... change. I keep having dreams about her being here. I'm not sure what she'll look like, and that kinda scares me... but in all the dreams, it's just the two of us and we're happy. That's what matters. One day, hopefully, I'll be a nurse and we'll live downtown.

Tegan Kaidence Dawn Smith... I think that's seriously what her name will be. It's a mouthful, but it seems to fit.

I'm still not planning on having a guy around, and right now it's better that way. There is not need to rely on a man for my happiness. I have a lot more to focus on and worry about than that. Why set myself up for disappointment? I'll be sad if I plan on meeting some awesome guy who will love my daughter and will fall in love with me in a way I've never known, and then he never shows. I know he may be out there somewhere. But I'm not going out to find him. I've still got to get my life in order first. One day, we'll be ready for each other, and things will fall into place like they have been already.

I'm so happy to be surrounded my mountains. Several times a day, I look out the window and it takes my breath away. The world I'm surrounded by is so amazing and beautiful... And I never want to take it for granted again. I can't wait to take Baby Tegan camping and hiking... I can't wait to get on a snowboard again. I can't wait to take her for walks around downtown Salt Lake. I can't wait to start my life with her and show her how amazing this world really is.

I don't mind living with my mom for now. Her dogs snuggle me all the time and she cooks great food. She's finally letting me be me and she's stopped trying to make me turn to Jesus. She knows that's not who I am and it's nice... I don't mind not having a car. I just know that things are lining up so that I can be happy. So we can be happy. Happily ever after takes a long time to get and it's different for everyone. Right now it's a journey. And it doesn't seem like there is a final destination right now. Now matter what happens, I know that I'll be working towards something better all the time.

That's what life is all about... Constantly improving yourself and your life, even though you're okay with where you're at. There is nothing bad with wanting more... As long as you're happy with what you already have, and you don't take the little things in life for granted. Anything is possible. And I'm sure Baby Tegan will be happy once she gets here... 13 weeks. I can't believe it.

So I'm happy with my life. There is always room for improvement, and it's so much easier when you know what improvements can be made and you know how to get there. My life is getting ready to start. And I can't wait.

Ready or not, here I come life! And I'm excited about it.

seashell skeleton key...

So... I don't really understand why I keep posting my thoughts about "us" and what we were and what could never be. It's not like you're going to read them... But the thoughts are still going through my mind, and the dreams are still haunting me. And there's new ones... They are drilled into my head. It's not like the faint ghost mist that you can only capture in pictures, or a faint voice on a tape recorder that you can't hear with the naked ear... It's like your there. Right there. Following me... And sometimes I'm hunting for the evidence of what we were. I can feel you holding me and wrapping your arms around me... Sometimes it feels like this past week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. (which I'm still not so sure about, by the way...)

I go through pictures and old e-mails, and wrack my brain to try to figure out what happened and what went wrong and why we don't talk anymore. How we could be so strong one moment, and then never speak again. An e-mail out of the blue, a response to a message that I've sent you months before... Sometimes I've heard you actually reading the words to me off the screen... But sometimes, I can't hear your voice at all... They are words of a total stranger.

That drowning feeling comes back every once in a while. I can't tell if it's this little baby girl pressing on my lungs and squirming around inside of me, or if it's the memories that randomly come back. Dreams that replay in my head.... But again, it's like I try to take a breath and instead take water into my lungs. Then the water starts to leak out of my eyes... but I stop. And tell myself no. I tell myself, that the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. And people keep telling me to take you off of that gold plated pedestal that I've put you on the past few years. That you weren't always so good to me, and at times you were worst than the worst boyfriends I've ever had. And it's true. But good things happened between us as well... I've come to see the reasons I should take you down off that pedestal. But most of all, I see the reasons I've kept you up there, and why things haven't been able to work with anyone else yet.

I've compared the end of "us" to hurricanes, car crashes, drowning, and a number of other disasters... I've compared you to a ghost. And honestly, some part of you may haunt me for the rest of my life.

Every time you decided to end things, there was no warning. You would just stop talking to me. There would be a dramatic letter or e-mail, all of which I still have for whatever reason... and then silence from your end. Or no message at all. We were just done in your eyes. Talking about getting married one day, and then no response the next... Darkness. A whirlwind of emotion running through me... torture.

I talk to many people today that ask why we aren't together anymore, because we were so perfect for each other. And, as always, I would try to find out what I possibly did wrong. How I could have chased you away. Because I talked to you about being scared? Because I talked to you about my emotions? I didn't do anything wrong. It ended up not working because you didn't want it to. Because of things that someone else drilled into your head, because you were terrified of what would happen next. And you kept telling me that I was holding you back, when really, I pushed you to be who you wanted to be and do the things you wanted to do. Or so I thought. But I don't think you even knew what you wanted.

I did my best not to hold you back. I believe the reality was, that you were holding yourself back and just trying to use me as an excuse. And I will not settle for that. Never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. Never use me as an excuse for anything again. It's not my fault you didn't do your homework, that you didn't turn something in, or that you didn't go camping or whatever more often. I had nothing to do with that. You need to take responsibility for your own life... we all do.

And with the good things... I don't think anyone else has ever been able to hold me like you did. They haven't been able to give me "the look"... And it wasn't just how you looked at me. It's what I knew was behind each look. Behind your eyes, I knew you were thinking about how much you loved me and how you couldn't be without me. I knew when you would start to question things... I knew when you were stressed. I knew when you weren't okay, no matter how many times you said you were. There were simple things that you did that reminded me constantly that you loved me. Little notes written if you left before I got home, e-mails when you were too far away, the little jokes that we had. And waking up next to you after being totally intertwined in your arms for an entire night... It's the emotion I haven't been able to find anywhere. The intimacy that has been almost impossible to find since, is what I found with only you. The way you talked to me, the way you treated me... When things were good with us they were really good. I could tell you had respect for me and that you cared about me just by how you acted around me.

We had a lot of really good memories... And some really bad ones. But I want to always remember the good if I have to think about it all. I've learned a lot of lessons over the years... I have tried to love like that again, and it's so much harder the second time around. It's never seemed intense enough for me. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Are my standards too high? No one else has just seemed to fit with me like you once did... and I'm not looking for another "you" by any means.

Which brings me to a dream that I had a few nights ago... We were in the living room of your dad's old house. The one where we fell in love and spent hours laying in the hammock in the back yard... and the house I brought a box of your things to when we broke up... Anyway. I was sitting in that huge once white chair, the one that had the armrests almost totally ripped off. Your dad's bike was wrapped up the way you wrapped it our first pretend Christmas together. You went into his room and grabbed a bag, much like the silver one that contained green and white tissue paper and a little red box. But in this dream, the bag had a long wooden box... It looked as thought it was made out of drift wood. When I opened it, there was a key inside. And old skeleton key, with a heart for a handle, and all kinds of complicated notches at the end, and it was decorated with sea shells. I ask if it was to your heart or mine, and you said I already knew the answer... and you were gone. I sat in that chair, holding the key in my hands with my palms up, staring at it. I noted how heavy the key was, and Kings of Leon began to play... Which was really my alarm waking me up. But it was with you that I heard them for the first time... and I only recently began to listen to them again. They've been my favorite band since I first heard them, but now I can finally listen to them with out breaking down.

So I'm guessing that this was supposed to be you giving me back the key to my heart, literally and figuratively. And it's something I need to hold on to for a while. I'm not going to just give it to anyone. And I don't even know if I totally have it back yet. Like I've said before... It's not a good time for me to focus on love. It's time to focus one me and this little baby, and our future. And I fully intend on doing just that. If someone comes a long, then they do. But I'm not looking anymore. I guess it's true what they say... "When you know, you know." So far, I've known that I haven't found the right guy for me yet. And Mr. Right isn't in my life at all right now. Weather I've met him once before, or still haven't even seen his face. But he's there. Somewhere.

I need someone that makes me feel close to the same way, someone that respects me, someone that listens to my kind of music and understands the way I dance. I need someone to understand me. And accept me and all my flaws. Because flaws are what can make a person truly beautiful.

My dad has this lady he's been seeing since the divorce. It happens to be this woman who was in love with him since before he met my mother, but he didn't know about it. And now they are finally together, after over 40 years. They are so much better together than I ever imagined him with my mom. They enjoy the same things, and understand each other. They totally understand each other's dance moves. They accept each other's flaws. They fit. But it took so damn long for my dad to see it. I went to dinner at his house Monday night, and he showed me this picture he has... It's of them, the day he graduated college. And he has it next to a picture of them now. Just imagine how life would be different if he picked her instead.... I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe not everything, but the decisions we make now can lead to almost anything. If I left in March when shit hit the fan in Florida, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now. But for some reason i chose to stay.

I don't want to wait that long to be with someone that really gets me... But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I know that someone is out there for me. It's just not the right time. And once I find that person, maybe the ghost of you will finally leave me alone. I need to stop looking through the things that remind me of you. I need to get you out of my head a focus on me.

I'm glad you're happy now. Or at least I think you are. I haven't heard otherwise. But maybe, one day, we will be together again... Maybe it will be like my dad and his girlfriend. Maybe we won't ever see each other again. But right now I'm just planning life for two... and there is no guy involved. Unless he can prove to be worthy of the seashell skeleton key. And it's going to take a lot for me to give it away, if it's even mine to give.

And so begins the process of hopefully moving on... finally. Maybe it's just the time of year that drills these thoughts into my head...

i've already cut the chord...

Here is what I really think about us and everything that is happening and has happened... It's blunt, and honest. And when I tried this on the phone last night, you didn't listen to anything I said... You kept cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. When I said that the things I say go in one ear and out the other, your only response was "ouch" instead of wanting to understand why I felt that way.

You didn't listen to a word I said last night. You call me when you're drunk. I'm pretty sure that it's the only time you have called me. I call you to update you with news about your daughter. I talk to you to keep you informed on what's going on with my life, because like it or not, it is going to effect you some how.

Even when your sober, your sentences and grammar make no sense. You laugh because I can't understand what you say with your slurred words and terrible use of the English language. You keep using these run-on sentences that keep going in circles, and you keep changing what you have said before. You say yes then switch it to no and expect me to understand what the fuck you want. When I answer questions that you've asked me, you keep asking me to answer you. I don't know if it's not what you want to hear, but you keep asking. And when I explain my answer because you obviously don't understand, you tell me that it's a simple yes or no. It's not. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear anymore, because it obviously isn't working.

When you talk to me, I realize how smart I really am. Which is pathetic. I can't believe that I fell for your stupid bull shit. I thought that you were well rounded and had all this life experience from traveling around the world, but you didn't get anything from the experiences you've had. You are just very good at pretending to be something you aren't. And I fell for it like a stupid fool. Blinded, because I thought I loved you.

And no, I don't get how you really feel. I don't think it's fair to assume what another person feels unless they tell me, or it becomes totally obvious what they think. I've learned my lesson in the past. But when i told you this, you freaked out at me and told me I should never doubt you because you have never given me a reason to doubt how you feel. Okay, I was telling you what I experienced in my life in the past, and how that effects how I feel now and why my brain works the way it does.

When I first told you I was pregnant, you were trying to convince me that I should get an abortion because you didn't think I was mature enough to raise a child. Are you FUCKING KIDDING?! I know you are older than me, but that doesn't mean jack shit. This is your second child, and you still have no idea what to do. I'm trying to include you in this miracle called life, and you just say... "... cool." I think I'm dealing with the events in my life a hell of a lot better than you are... You lost your job and you still don't have a new one. Instead, you drink your money away, and complain about how terrible your life is.

The next time we talked about our situation, you were of course drunk, telling me about how you miss me and you had a dream that we got married and lived happily ever after. You believed that we were somehow going to be a happy family. Then when we talked after that, it was never mentioned again.

Did you not get that I was miserable with you? And not just miserable because I wanted to go home and didn't want to be in Florida anymore... I was miserable because I realized who you really were and that you and I were not going to be together, and you were the main reason I was staying. If you were the main reason I stayed, and I knew I didn't want to be with you anymore, why the hell was I staying?

You didn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. You still don't. And honestly, you have no idea who I really am. You keep telling me that you know, but you don't. You don't know me. You don't understand me. And you treat me like shit. I think the only time you were right about us is when you said you felt bad because you couldn't give me what I needed. That should have been a major clue that it's not going to work out. For the love of your chosen religious figure, stop calling me "Kiddo". You know full well, that it drives me crazy and it hurts my feelings because I feel like you're trying to act like my father. You're not mature enough to act that way. Far from it.

I do care about you. And yeah, I miss the times we had together. But I know for a fact that you are not the one I want to be with. We are not going to end up together. We are not going to be a family and have a happily ever after. We are totally different people, we want different things, and we're going in total opposite directions in our lives. The only way our paths will cross is because of this little girl that is curled up so nicely in my belly.... No one has damaged or neglected her yet.

The only reason I'm talking to you is because of our daughter that I'm pregnant with. If she didn't exist, I wouldn't have kept in contact with you. And that's the bitter truth. I don't love you anymore. If she wasn't alive in my belly right now, I wouldn't have kissed you before I went through security at the airport. I wouldn't have answered your calls. I would have just told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.

Why the hell do you keep asking me if I miss you? You ask almost every time we talk. Then I tell you we're never going to be anything more than friends, and you agree with me. Why are you asking if I miss you and telling me that I will always have part of your heart and soul? It's like you're trying to keep me on a chord that I've already cut. You can't dangle me and believe that we are going to be together. It's not what I want. You can't keep me in this place you want me to be. If you knew me, you would know that.

God, I feel like there is so much I'm not saying. But we aren't going to be together. That's the main point I want to make. I care about you. And I hope you're happy, but I obviously don't miss you the way you miss me. Maybe it's best we don't talk anymore. Decide if you want to pay child support, or sign over your rights. And we should probably let her decide when she's old enough if she wants to see you. But chances are, another man will come into our lives, and that's who she's going to call daddy. Because I know you aren't going to be there.

It's painful. It's blunt. But it's the cold hard truth. I've already cut the damn chord. Now let me go.

car crash...

I'm staring back
into the twisted metal
of our car crash romance...
my broken body
is intertwined with yours
and the steel frame
of what we once were.
Were we reckless?
Did we stray from our goal?
How did we end up... here?
Too fast? Too slow?
Maybe it's too late to know now...

This image I have that depicts "us"...
does it mean "us" will never happen again?
Are "we" too damaged...
no, too destroyed to ever happen again?

Was it suicide? Was it intentional? Was it an accident?

If I drive by myself, will the same thing happen?
Do we, or maybe more importantly for now, I, have any chance of recovery?

There is only one way to know... hopefully it will be worth it if I am ever broken again.

Make the repairs that need to be made... don't half ass it. Get new parts, learn new tricks. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. And if one day, that engine begins to turn again, and roar to life, the hard work will totally be worth it. A smile will come across my face, and I'll know that I can make it through anything, yet again. I'll just have to make sure that no one rides in the car with me, and I don't hitch a ride from someone else until I know it's safe...

And if my car runs again, at least gas prices have started to go down... ;) but let's still make this a fuel efficient model. The less we have to rely on others, the better. No matter how good or bad the economy is.

Wow, I'm tired... We'll save more for another night.

the good thing that comes when you're not looking...

Today has been a pretty good day. This week, actually, has been going rather well.

I had an interview for a job, and found out the next day that I totally landed it. I wasn't supposed to find out for another week! It's only housekeeping, but it's for the company I want to be working for and there is a lot of room for me to work my way up. Once I'm done with school, which hopefully won't take very long, I'll get the job I want a lot easier if I'm already in the company... And the people that work there seem really cool. They all love what they do, and that makes it even better.

I love hospitals... It's weird. I never liked them before, but now the idea of being in one every day doesn't bother me at all, and I'm actually looking forward to going back and learning what I can. Anatomy and physiology totally intrigue me... I'm so excited to get started in school again too. Once I do, that is. Things just been working out how they need to and it's great. Life seems to be moving in the right direction.

The baby is doing well. She's kicking like crazy, and practicing some form of gymnastics or karate in there! That's another part of life that has caught my interest. I can't wait to be a nurse. I feel like I finally realized what I'm supposed to do. Anyway... The baby is doing awesome. I'm still thinking of names... and I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that soon, this little thing that has been growing inside me will be in my arms, and it will all seem so real. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. But one day, she'll be here. I'll be a mom. I never thought that it was going to happen... Well... Maybe. But just in a different order. I'm okay with it all though. Things happen for a reason. She may be the best thing in my life.

I had a dream the other night that I haven't been able to shake... The feelings... The smells... I felt it all. I could even smell what was going on, and I remember every little detail. I was sleeping in my bed (in the dream and in real life... anyway....) The famous guy with the brown boots was standing by my bed and I woke up.

I asked if he was okay, and all he said was - 'I'm always okay. I just really need you right now.' So I said 'Okay.' And he undressed like he always did, and climbed into bed with me. No sex. No words. Nothing. And that was all that I needed. I could smell his familiar scent, I felt his body against mine, and all the emotions and senses that I had every time I was in his arms. It all felt so real... and it was real intimacy. The kind that I've been craving and have been trying so hard to find from someone else... unsuccessfully. I felt like he was really there, that he was in bed with me and that our bodies were intertwined like they always were when we shared a bed. It never mattered how hot we got. When we woke up the next morning, we were still totally wrapped up in each other. But when I woke from this dream, he wasn't there. I was alone, and my room was cold. And my heart sank. It's been that way for over two years... Every time I think about this dream, tears come to my eyes. I keep thinking that I've lost that feeling for good....

Which could very possibly not be true at all. One day, I may find that special someone that makes me feel what I did before. But I've been trying so hard to find it, and it always has seemed forced. No guy has looked at me the same way, held me the same way, or gave me the butterflies that I've wanted to have again so badly.

But I've been so terrified that if I don't at least try, I'll never find it again. At the same time, I get even more scared that I will end up with the wrong person. All around me, people are getting married and divorced, breaking up and getting back together... having kids. My heart has just felt so destroyed that it may never get repaired.... unless I fix it myself.

I had a long talk with my neighbor... He's this super awesome forty-something divorced father of two. No, we're not dating. And no, we're not into each other in that way at all. We are both pretty much the only people in the neighborhood that aren't totally Mormon. We have tattoos, enjoy a good glass of wine, and can tell dirty jokes like nobody's business.... Anyway - with all that set aside, we had a talk while we were killing bunnies on the Wii.

I mentioned my fears of never finding love again, and that I knew I would never find anything unless I tried. He seems to always tell me things that I need to hear, and it's not just stuff I need to hear. It's stuff that is totally correct too that I just have problems convincing myself to believe.

He said, 'Now is not the time to worry about finding love. Soon, you will have one of the greatest loves ever known, and it will trump the love you had for Brown Boot. Right now, you need to focus on you, the baby, your career and school. You're young and you have a great chance of finding that love you deserve once again, but you can't go looking for it. Your life is starting to line up how it's supposed to and you're going in the right direction for you. Don't get distracted. Your knight in shining whatever will ride up on his horse or Porsche or whatever it is he's driving and will sweep you off your feet, but it will be when the time is right. You may know him, you possibly haven't even heard a whisper of him yet, but he's there and he'll come when the time is right. Be patient, and focus on you and what you need to get done to make you the best person you can be.'

Which is something I knew all along... I've been trying to convince myself that for about two years now. It just takes other people to keep drilling it into my head for me to finally get it. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll never hear from him again. But what happened between us did happen, and I won't take those memories back for the world. We're not playing 'Eternal Sunshine' with this shit. The memories are there to stay... I just can't let them effect me and ruin my life. I try a new relationship, and he gets into my head and won't get out. When that person becomes 'the one' they take your mind of the person that used to be 'the one'... right?

So here's the plan... I'm going to focus on me. Totally selfish, I know... but shut up. The world will be better off if I'm less dark and twisty. Focus on me... the career, the job, the money, the baby I'm about to have, and my friends... It's totally cool to make new ones. But when 'the one' comes along, the right one, my life will be going in the right direction and I'll be in a place where I can be with someone, and finally be happy, and have my version of a happily ever after.

No more insecurities. No more second guessing. No more trying to find love, because that becomes a distraction, and I always end up with a total ass every time. When the time is right, and when the right person comes I will know.

The best things come to those who wait... and to those who aren't even looking for them at the time. :D