Thursday, October 21, 2010

It's been a while...

I wish I could recap all the things that have happened since my last post, but life moves so fast sometimes and things get missed...

School is awesome. I'm loving my students that I work with about once a week. It makes me really want to do teaching... but massage therapy is in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's the stone therapy, essential oils, or fancy lotions that draw me in.... But time will tell. I do love the idea of influencing young minds though... Tempting... mold them into what I want like a delectable jello? Mmmm.... k.

In other news... Work has been sparatic. Some days are fast, and some are slow... but there are moments that remind me why I'm there and why it isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. A patient can go down for a simple procedure and not come back. Other patients go home knowing they don't have much time. Others walk out of there better than they walked in... One thing that is drilled into my head is that life is short. Every day, I am reminded that life is too short to worry about every little thing that could go wrong... It's too short to worry about what could or could not happen. Life is there to be lived.

Hope for the best, embrace the unknown, go along for the journey....

The love life is kind of a mess right now. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it until it all gets worked out. I will say that Brown Boot walked into my life for a brief moment, and then walked back out like he always does. A simple kiss drew me in again, and then I was pushed away yet again... Like he is trying to keep me dangling right where he can reach me in case he decides he wants to be with me. I offered many things, and it seems like he isn't going to take any of them. He dated someone else after I put myself out there, yet again.

But you know what? I'm not sure if it's from that happening to me so many times with so many other guys - the whole being second choice thing - but I wasn't hurt by it. Maybe he had done it to me so many times. I'm not something that can be tucked away on a shelf. I'm not a jar of strawberry preserves. You can't just stick me on a shelf for years and expect me to be just how you remember. I won't always be there. Someone else will find me and realize that I am delicious, and something that should be enjoyed... Not hidden away. I'm not going to be waiting for you to come and get me whenever you are ready. That's not fair to me. I would much rather be living my life, not waiting around for someone to pull me back in like a damn yo yo.

I'd rather be strawberry wine than strawberry preserves....

When I put myself out there, and you say, "sure, I'll take you on a date! That would be wonderful!"

or maybe you said, "I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for you still... let's take this one day at a time..."

And then not a damn thing happens? SERIOUSLY?! I'm done with guys being all talk. You have to do something about it. You can talk about rainbow farting unicorns that eat a particular kind of string cheese, and I won't believe you until I see a unicorn. Or that particular string cheese. A little more action PLEASE!

I'm tired of guys talking my ear off about what I deserve... I like making plans and talking about places we will go, and actually believing that I will one day go to these places. It gets tiring. I gave him another chance. I put myself out there again. And it went no where.

It's a good thing. From what I can tell, I'm a totally different person than he ever knew. And he is still the same.

Um... But there is someone in my life now. He wears a different kind of shoe. And I know I just went on a rant about guys being all talk, but that's all I really can do with this guy right now. And now that just got taken away. Kind of.

I know none of that made any sense. I know I just kind of contradicted myself there... But it's hard to explain. I have a feeling that we will actually do these things he talks about all the time. I have a feeling. He's my whatever. And I'm his whatever. And I'm not even sure what kind of whatever he is. I do know this... before he left, we talked for hours every night. Tonight will be the first night we haven't talked or had any kind of contact for two months. Sidebar - no physical contact with this person whatsoever. We've met. We've seen each other face to face. We've even talked in person. But never touched. But we talked for hours every night before we went to bed and it was never weird. It was like we had been doing it for years.

But every night before I would go to bed, he would tell me that he hoped he could feel me holding him as I fell asleep. He would wish me sweet dreams and tell me to take care of myself.

I've never missed someone so much, and not actually known what it was like to be next to them. But I can feel him there. He promised me that I would never be alone because he is always with me... And chances are, I won't see him until this spring....

Here's to hoping spring is full of ferry boats... Starbucks, fruit, and muffins in bed... Beach houses.... And a certain someone's arms wrapped around me.

I'll just pretend to hold him until he gets here.