Monday, July 1, 2013

something like neverland

I remember what it was like to be in a perfectly beautiful mess.

Totally tangled up in someone else and not wanting to unravel.  Their existence was the reason I was happy, and at the time everything was perfect.  I look back on it now... My mind wanders.  The feelings I felt were unlike any other I had.  Irrational and impossible.  I never thought I could love someone that much.  I wanted to burst.

And then I remembered.... The fights.  The irrational arguments.  Accusations.  Trust issues.  The typical trials that come from high school love.  I learned so much about myself from loving him and I realize it now more than ever. 

Days have gone by where I realize that I haven't though about him.  He was the one I thought I was going to be missing every day for the rest of my life.  There was a time when I believed that there wasn't going to be much left for me because he was gone.  I let him walk in and out of my life because I believed that he was the only one for me and that there was no way I could ever love anyone that much.

I didn't realize what was around the corner.

You see, without everything I went through, I wouldn't be where I am now.  I wouldn't have the passions and dreams that I have now.  I wouldn't have my life that I have come to love so much.

I don't know if many people understand the reason behind getting the angel wings tattooed on my back.  It's simple really.

I came to a point where I realized that I was relying on someone else for my happiness.  When they weren't there I was alone and sad.  I don't ever want to feel that way again.  To fly on my own, I would need a really good set of wings.  I would need my own set of wings.  Then I could fly as close to the sun as I wanted to.  It was a reminder to not rely on anyone else.  I create my own story, and I want it to have as much happiness as possible.
I attributed the feelings I had with this boy back in the day to the feelings a teenager has in high school...  Hormones are out of control and emotions run wild.  It's the kind of love where you can simply just exist in each other.  The kind of love where you write sappy love songs and poems, and where you celebrate another month of being together with a disgusting display of affection.  For the longest time I believed that I wouldn't have those feelings again because it was a once in a lifetime deal.  It was only going to happen in high school because that's when the high of first love usually hits the hardest.

It doesn't have to be that way.

I realized that it set me up to find what I deserve.  It gave me expectations for how I want to feel and be treated.  Some said I was just following an impossible dream.  That when I grow up I won't ever find those feelings again because it was irrational, complicated, over-dramatic, high school romance.  Give up and settle down for someone that will take care of you.


Who said I have to grow up?  Why do high school kids get all the fun and butterflies?  No thank you.


I want to be loved in a passionate way.  Where that person gets a stupid grin on their face at the very thought of me.  Why do the butterflies and awkward displays of affection have to be reserved for the young ones? 

Just because you grow up, doesn't mean you have to give in.

And let me be perfectly honest here....  I'm never really growing up.  I'm just pretending for the rest of you adults.