Here is what I really think about us and everything that is happening and has happened... It's blunt, and honest. And when I tried this on the phone last night, you didn't listen to anything I said... You kept cutting me off and telling me I was wrong. When I said that the things I say go in one ear and out the other, your only response was "ouch" instead of wanting to understand why I felt that way.
You didn't listen to a word I said last night. You call me when you're drunk. I'm pretty sure that it's the only time you have called me. I call you to update you with news about your daughter. I talk to you to keep you informed on what's going on with my life, because like it or not, it is going to effect you some how.
Even when your sober, your sentences and grammar make no sense. You laugh because I can't understand what you say with your slurred words and terrible use of the English language. You keep using these run-on sentences that keep going in circles, and you keep changing what you have said before. You say yes then switch it to no and expect me to understand what the fuck you want. When I answer questions that you've asked me, you keep asking me to answer you. I don't know if it's not what you want to hear, but you keep asking. And when I explain my answer because you obviously don't understand, you tell me that it's a simple yes or no. It's not. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear anymore, because it obviously isn't working.
When you talk to me, I realize how smart I really am. Which is pathetic. I can't believe that I fell for your stupid bull shit. I thought that you were well rounded and had all this life experience from traveling around the world, but you didn't get anything from the experiences you've had. You are just very good at pretending to be something you aren't. And I fell for it like a stupid fool. Blinded, because I thought I loved you.
And no, I don't get how you really feel. I don't think it's fair to assume what another person feels unless they tell me, or it becomes totally obvious what they think. I've learned my lesson in the past. But when i told you this, you freaked out at me and told me I should never doubt you because you have never given me a reason to doubt how you feel. Okay, I was telling you what I experienced in my life in the past, and how that effects how I feel now and why my brain works the way it does.
When I first told you I was pregnant, you were trying to convince me that I should get an abortion because you didn't think I was mature enough to raise a child. Are you FUCKING KIDDING?! I know you are older than me, but that doesn't mean jack shit. This is your second child, and you still have no idea what to do. I'm trying to include you in this miracle called life, and you just say... "... cool." I think I'm dealing with the events in my life a hell of a lot better than you are... You lost your job and you still don't have a new one. Instead, you drink your money away, and complain about how terrible your life is.
The next time we talked about our situation, you were of course drunk, telling me about how you miss me and you had a dream that we got married and lived happily ever after. You believed that we were somehow going to be a happy family. Then when we talked after that, it was never mentioned again.
Did you not get that I was miserable with you? And not just miserable because I wanted to go home and didn't want to be in Florida anymore... I was miserable because I realized who you really were and that you and I were not going to be together, and you were the main reason I was staying. If you were the main reason I stayed, and I knew I didn't want to be with you anymore, why the hell was I staying?
You didn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. You still don't. And honestly, you have no idea who I really am. You keep telling me that you know, but you don't. You don't know me. You don't understand me. And you treat me like shit. I think the only time you were right about us is when you said you felt bad because you couldn't give me what I needed. That should have been a major clue that it's not going to work out. For the love of your chosen religious figure, stop calling me "Kiddo". You know full well, that it drives me crazy and it hurts my feelings because I feel like you're trying to act like my father. You're not mature enough to act that way. Far from it.
I do care about you. And yeah, I miss the times we had together. But I know for a fact that you are not the one I want to be with. We are not going to end up together. We are not going to be a family and have a happily ever after. We are totally different people, we want different things, and we're going in total opposite directions in our lives. The only way our paths will cross is because of this little girl that is curled up so nicely in my belly.... No one has damaged or neglected her yet.
The only reason I'm talking to you is because of our daughter that I'm pregnant with. If she didn't exist, I wouldn't have kept in contact with you. And that's the bitter truth. I don't love you anymore. If she wasn't alive in my belly right now, I wouldn't have kissed you before I went through security at the airport. I wouldn't have answered your calls. I would have just told you that I never wanted to talk to you again.
Why the hell do you keep asking me if I miss you? You ask almost every time we talk. Then I tell you we're never going to be anything more than friends, and you agree with me. Why are you asking if I miss you and telling me that I will always have part of your heart and soul? It's like you're trying to keep me on a chord that I've already cut. You can't dangle me and believe that we are going to be together. It's not what I want. You can't keep me in this place you want me to be. If you knew me, you would know that.
God, I feel like there is so much I'm not saying. But we aren't going to be together. That's the main point I want to make. I care about you. And I hope you're happy, but I obviously don't miss you the way you miss me. Maybe it's best we don't talk anymore. Decide if you want to pay child support, or sign over your rights. And we should probably let her decide when she's old enough if she wants to see you. But chances are, another man will come into our lives, and that's who she's going to call daddy. Because I know you aren't going to be there.
It's painful. It's blunt. But it's the cold hard truth. I've already cut the damn chord. Now let me go.
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