Friday, July 30, 2010

Skin Deep...

Since I started using that magic soap, which is working wonderfully by the way, I realized that there were a lot of makeup products I don't use half as often as I thought. I took a good look at them today... I'm talking, a very good look... A lot of them had a layer of dust on them because I haven't used them in so long.

Gross, I know. But I realized all the different chemicals I was putting in my hair and on my skin ended up drying them out, and in turn, I was using more products to rehydrate it all. I cleared that cubby and cleared out the area behind my mirror... Holy wow. I feel so much better having all of it cleared out of the way. Less cluttered... I haven't thrown it all out, and I may end up doing that soon. But I've decided to test all of these new theories out before I chuck all the old stuff, just in case I realize I like the other way I did things better.

Now, all this crazy organic stuff I've been finding isn't very expensive. Some people automatically relate organic items as being more expensive, but that isn't always the case. A bottle of the castile soap that I got forever ago runs around $10-$15, depending on brand and where you buy it. I just saw it on sale at Smith's! And it lasts FOREVER. A little bit really does go a long way with this stuff. I've also been doing some research on different toothpastes and deodorant to actually see what's in what I've been using, and to see if it really would make any difference to switch... I'll post my findings when I figure out what they are.

Right, call me a hippie, again. I'm just trying to see if it makes any sense. I have this thing with not saying I don't like something until I've tried it. For example, Tegan's dad played World of Warcraft constantly, and I already knew I didn't like it because of what it did to him and how I saw how everyone else got when they played it. But, I tried it anyway just to see what all the hype was about. And now I can actually say, "That game sucks. You run around and kill the same things over and over again... Not worth losing sleep over." (Or social life, friends, relationships, and physical fitness....)

This try-everything-once rule doesn't always work with everything. Food, yes. Clothes, yes. Drugs, NO. Just clarifying. :)

I can now lead into something else that I've been thinking about....


Not just dresses, but how they relate to dating and trying new things.

There was this day that I went to try on dresses with some friends at Macy's. Once upon a time. In Florida. It started out simple enough, just trying them on for fun. Not like any of us would have the money to buy any of them. It eventually turned into a game of trying on the most hideous dresses... Kind of. They kept picking out dresses that looked terrible on the hanger, and I mean, make you want to throw up terrible, and they handed them to me to try on.

How the hell does it relate to dating? It's simple, really. I tried on dresses I would never have worn normally. And liked them. Back in the day, I decided to date a lot of different kinds of guys so I could actually see what I liked and what I didn't like... and a lot of the time, I was pleasantly surprised. Even if it was just a date here and there, it really helped me gain some perspective. I looked past physical appearance, and realized that they were beautiful inside and caught my attention. Something that looked good, could actually be cheap and hallow on the inside (which is actually what a found a majority of the time... yuck.)

So, the story with the dresses.... The last dress I tried on was over $300. No way was I ever going to buy it. I am not one to spend that much money on one article of clothing. But it was beautiful, and gold, and it fit me like a glove. I loved the way it fit me! But, of course, I couldn't afford it and if I did buy it, when on earth would I wear it? We did our runway show, and I went to take it off.

And the zipper would not budge.

I was mortified. It wasn't because I was too fat, because I wasn't. The zipper was just stuck on something. I was there with three other girls and they all made attempts to pull the dress down and up and in all kinds of directions, and it would not move. I put on some pants to try and cover up a little bit, and they all tried to lift the dress up over my head together! Isn't that an amazing mental picture? Three girls trying to lift a dress up over another girl's head? They were literally pulling me up so my feet were dangling.

The damn thing would not come off. It was the worst relationship with an article clothing I have ever had. The dressing room attendant had to actually come over and rip it off me.... Two hands on the back, one on each side of the zipper, and she pulled...


Another employee came in to see the scene... So I had five people in there with me when this dress was torn off my body. It was the worst shopping experience I have ever had. The worst relationship with a dress I have ever witnessed.

Mortified. It reminded me of the worst relationship I have ever had. And that didn't end so pretty either.

(Sidebar: I didn't have to pay for the dress, because they determined it was the zipper that was the problem and it would have happened to someone at some point anyway...)

Looking back on it now, I laugh, but at the time it was terrible. And that seems to happen with a lot of things in my life. Terrible things happened, and I can actually look back on it all and laugh...

SO... Try a million different kinds of dresses and find out what you like and what you need... try it, even if it seems out of your league, even if it it hideous and something you wouldn't consider in your lifetime. And if it isn't going to work out and you can't get rid of a particular dress, someone can always come and rip it off... in a very not dirty way. Get your mind out of the gutter.... :)

Hopefully it will lead to the most beautiful dress you will ever wear.

obsessions of an 18 month old...

Tegan had definitely developed her own personality... and some interesting habits and obsessions. Here is the first of what I'm sure will be a very long list...

  • Pooh Bear stuffed animal
  • Monkey Blanket
  • One bottle in particular
  • dancing
  • Any kind of music she can dance to
  • chocolate
  • anything mom is eating
  • crayons (for eating and coloring...)
  • cell phones - usually used for calling and texting imaginary friends. Or China
  • the vacuum cleaner
  • DVD cases
  • Who's Hatching - a wonderful slide and surprise book that mommy has to read at least 20 times before another book is read
  • fish
  • stacking and organizing
  • shoes
  • kissing anyone that will let her
  • "cutting" mom's nails
Here is another list of words commonly said around the house...

  • Hi!
  • Hey!
  • Bye!
  • Woofsaysthedoggie
  • Ello?
  • Shoe? Shoe? Shoe? Shoe? Shoe?
  • cheese!
  • Uh oh....
  • SHOE
  • Mom
  • Mommy
  • SHOE
  • Baba?
  • Pooh!
  • Woof!
  • *panting like a puppy*
  • SHOE!
  • whatsthat?
  • Yay!
  • baby
  • shoe...
More to come soon, I'm sure... This girl is growing way too fast

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Call me a hippie.

Ha ha ha ha.

No really.

I found this amazing soap... actually, I've had it for a while. Since my baby shower. My amazing sister, Chan, gave it to me for one of my shower gifts, and at first I was like, okay whatever... Soap for baby.

No. This soap is for EVERYTHING. Shower, cleaning, dishes, laundry, BRUSHING YOUR TEETH! The bottle even claims 18 uses, and people have reported more. One freaking product.

I had just been using it for Tegan at bath time, and then I realized something... It's not baby soap. It's baby mild soap... with out fragrances. Organic. Fair trade. Fair trade SOAP!? No, you do not put this in your coffee maker and drink it... It is just that amazing.

What is this soap you ask?

Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap

It is magic. I highly recommend using it.

For a couple weeks now, my scalp has been getting itchy, I've been getting ingrown hairs on my legs, and my skin has just felt very sensitive. So I decided to give it a shot.

Oh my amazing. I have never felt so clean and fresh. My head feels great! I'm not scratching it every five minutes. My hair feels so thick and full... I love it. My skin even tingles.

I did have to use some of my other products still... but I did eliminate a majority of what I normally use in the shower. All I used was this amazing Magic Soap and conditioner. And some shine spray after my hair was dry.

I'm going to use this stuff for a week and see if it really helps anything, or if I'm just being crazy... then I'll decide where to go from there. But I really think I will invest in more of this stuff when I have more fundage... and they have more products that I feel good about using! And now that I said that, I feel like a total hippie... The even have something that the claim will be amazing for tattoos. And it's not very expensive...

There seems to be an obsession with looking beautiful and what products you can buy for your self. Selfishness. I go through phases when I get very focused on how I look, and I really do want to do my best to look amazing... But I realized something... I can do it and do it a good way.

I can make it good for the environment. I can buy a pair of shoes from a company that donates a pair of shoes to someone who doesn't have them. Brand new shoes for someone in need... I like the feeling. I'll put things in my body that aren't chemically processed, and I'll eat from places that you can actually sit down and relax in, instead of just a drive through. I'm being good to myself and good to my body. And the planet.

I'm not going to look down on anyone that doesn't do what I do. It's your choice, it really is. If you decide to get your hair did, more power to you. If you decide to be a vegan (which I honestly think I could never do...) more power to you. We're all different and we all believe in different things.

So call me a hippie.

Maybe I just need to move back to Oregon... ha ha ha the thought has been crossing my mind a lot lately. :)

Monday, July 26, 2010

More feelings and thoughts and whatever...

I keep getting this feeling all day... It's weird. I think I've explained this feeling, and I'm hoping it's not a medical condition... If it is, please don't give me drugs for it because I actually kind of like it.

Let me set the stage. There is a song, Use Somebody by the Kings of Leon. Ever since I first heard this song, I knew that when I found that someone, my internal iPod would shuffle to this song whenever said person crossed my mind. Now, I'm not certain that I have found that person and it is very difficult to say if I have or not. But I had a moment today.

Just a simple moment.

It lasted what could have been less than a minute, but felt like it was going to go on forever.

I smelled rain, so I went over to the tele tech window to look outside and inhaled, deep and long. And that song came on the radio. My phone vibrated, and it was a message from possible said person. It all fit together so well.

I'm not really sure what to make of it. I've never wanted to be that crazy girl, because, let's face it kids, I was her once. And I never want to be her again. You hear me?! Ever again! It sucked, big time. I think about the mistakes I made and how irrational high school love and other relationships made me, and it's a damn good thing I learned from it all.

Anyway. I never want to be that girl. That girl that is constantly wanting to hear from said boy, asking where he is, what he is doing, and what he is thinking about. If you want to tell me something, tell me. No games. I don't play those anymore. Unless it's something like volleyball or soccer. That is a game I will play. But no head games. For the love of everything holy! No more head games! They mess with emotions and feelings and make one all kinds of cloudy, with torrents of tears streaming from someone's eyes. I'm done with those games.

In an effort to not be the crazy one, I don't make as much contact with this person as I have made with other guys I have dated... Mostly because those guys have made more contact with me... Recently, they have been the ones being crazy... with the overly obsessive messages, constantly wondering where I am and what I'm doing and what I'm thinking. A girl just needs some balance.

Balance? Please? I could find a picture to demonstrate what I'm trying to get at here, but quite frankly, I think you know what I mean. Can you read? Good. Because that means you understand what I'm saying. If you can't read, what the hell are you doing trying to follow the random text flowing across the screen?

That's what I thought.

Balance, people. It's not too much to ask.

Anyway.... So after not hearing from said person for a few days, I don't want to always be the one to always initiate conversation... Because it makes me feel like interest is being lost. And it may not be, because I know people have their own lives before someone else wanders their way into it. I'm not going to get in the way of that, because time is precious. For everyone. And if you can't tell, I don't want to waste that time.

So, is he losing interest? Or is he busy? I don't want to be that girl, making up nonexistent excuses for some guy who isn't genuinely interested. I don't want to be that girl.

See? Relationships, or lack of relationships are making me crazy! Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Or something. Whatever.

So back to that feeling, with the rain and the music and the vibrating phones...

It felt like I had just jumped off a cliff with a giant pool of water down below... Like I had just climbed up a mountain of red rock, convinced myself to jump off and I was already free falling. Like my arms were flailing, my legs were kicking, and I was squealing for joy as gravity took control of my body.... That moment lasts for honestly just a moment... seconds, really. But it feels like it could go on forever. Heart racing, deep breath in, stomach up in your chest and not down where it should be... The feeling right before body makes contact water?

That feeling. The feeling before the splash.

I want to see what's under the surface.

All in good time.


The end. Because I'm sleepy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Words of Wisdom from the Wife...

We are all full of dialogue, inner monologue that fills up our brains and infects our space. We drift along in the space time continuum warp known as our brains, prisoners to the very barriers we ourselves erect. We concern ourselves with thinking about farcical things that could be, should be, would be; and than we erect those fallacies and spew them as truth. An undying loyalty can go so far for someone who is uneducated concerning the snake-like twists of man’s inner soul. It’s so much easier to believe what we are told, to re-tell what we have heard rather than to think for ourselves. To follow in the steps of someone with a large personality but a small heart is so much easier than to forge our own path, uphill, through the ripping brambles. To be our own person is seen as impossible, but to be someone else for someone else is so easy, like a second skin, a warm coat on a cold winter night, or a snuggly partner on a lonely night. To seek what our own soul desires requires inner reflection, inner reflection means delving into the deep darkness that is our internal us. If we don’t look long enough all we see is darkness, our mental eyes don’t adjust fast enough and we rip ourselves free of the void, slamming and locking the yawning chasm behind us. To be free from the darkness is a price we will pay to blindly follow those with big feet and bigger personalities. But suppose we stood, and we look around us, shut our eyes, mumbled to 100 and than re-opened our eyes, what would we see? Not dim, dank, darkness, but a spreading golden glow, light at first as we are unaccustomed to it’s brilliance, your inner you doesn’t want to scare you, she wants to enlighten you, enliven you, enrich you. She wants to fill you up with her joy so that you can spew forth goldness and glory rather than hate filled chunks. To be in tune with ones self is a rare and precious gift, it cannot be overcome by minor trivialities or setbacks so long as you know that you are following YOUR dream, not the standard line and reply of another persons step-by-step instructions. To be free, truly free, one must embrace the darkness to find the gold.

By the beautiful and wonderful Molly Jones

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Have you met Ralph?

I have a plant. His name is Ralph.

And yes, I do name random things.

Back to the plant. His name is Ralph. Actually, his full name is "Love Ralph" and he has a story.

Once upon a time, about five years ago, Brown Boot went off to Georgia to stay with his mom for a couple weeks. I picked him up from the airport and had this plant waiting for him. It was kind of an inside joke. All plants at his dad's house were named Ralph, and this one in particular, was going to be our Love Ralph. Have you seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Yes, it's from that movie. Instead of a fern, it's a Ralph.

And holy shit, this thing is a survivor. At first, I thought it somehow related to my relationship with him. But it apparently doesn't. Every once in a while I would forget to water it for... Oh, I dunno, WEEKS AT A TIME. And this thing still lives. Five years. Still ALIVE.

It's never been repotted, and it really needs it. I just gave him his first trim not too long ago and this thing is still going strong. I have had multiple plants besides this one, and they're ALL DEAD. I have no idea how this thing keeps on going.

There were times I would notice him starting to get a little sad and droopy, and I would water it. And within a day, it would be bright and happy, full and green, and Brown Boot would contact me. Totally weird.

But that, dear friends, has not happened in a while. I trimmed this little guy and got rid of all the vine that had to leaves, leaving it with like... an inch of existing plant. Seriously. And this little guy is flourishing. It's still here. And so am I.

I'm still amazed. I'm not kidding when I say all my other plants have died. I just recently lost my orchid, for who knows what reason. And all the other plants have committed suicide. Or died from neglect. But not Ralph. He lives strong, even though I have totally forgotten about him many times.

Yes, stupid post. But come on... What plant lives through my torture and neglect for 5 years? Seriously? None of them. Except Ralph. Maybe I need to give him a lover and name her... Shayla. Or something.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

just a tiny freak out

There is something I could say here... But I'm not going to say it. I wish I could scream it at the top of my lungs from the tippy top of a very high mountain so the whole world could hear! But I don't want to wake up the poor children in China. And climbing to the top of a very high mountain would be a lot of work... and it's very very hot outside.

That, and I'm terrified that someone would hear me and go running the other direction.

As some of you know, (and I'm not even sure who reads this... but I'm going to do my best to keep things as... Um... Sneaky? As possible? Is that the right word? I don't even know. Whatever.)

I still have that feeling. I met someone and he is wonderful! But we are only in the process of planning date four. That's right. We have only seen each other face to face three times, and he has given me that feeling. A feeling I haven't felt for a long time. This man has literally taken my breath away and given me butterflies, not because he says romantic things or has made an attempt at sweeping me off my feet. He just is. He exists. He lives and breathes and is amazing and wonderful. And the fact that I found someone like this excites me. Thinking about it gives me butterflies, and I'm trying so hard not to explode.

I am doing my best to keep my composure whenever I see a message from him or whenever I see his picture on my facebook page... Even in just a damn status update. Looking at him gives me butterflies. Thinking about him gives me butterflies. He kissed me, and "Take My Breath Away" started playing in my head, because he really did take my breath away. And there are a few other songs that now make me think of him. Not of anyone else. And yes, you did read that right. He kissed me. :)

But see, even writing all that out made me feel like I was going crazy. I still feel that way! I HATE IT! People keep telling me that it's a good thing.

I had so many people telling me how wonderful and fantastic I am, which was generally followed by me saying something along the lines of "No, I'm really not," "Are you talking to me?" and even a "Thank you" depending on who was whispering such sweet nothings in my ear.

My favorite was a blind date I went on, where the guy just sat there staring at me.

"Um... Hello? What are you staring at?"
"You are just so.... so.... captivating."

Which would be totally flattering, except for the tiny tiny fact that that was the only thing he had said ALL NIGHT. GUH.

So after the experiences I have had in my dating life, I am allowed to feel crazy, right? Because I have had all these guys that keep thinking that they feel these things about me, but I have never felt that way about them. I wonder if he thinks the same things or even feels half as twitterpaited as I do. It is driving me insane. I'm constantly nervous.... until I actually see him face to face. The door opens, and I'm not nervous anymore. I just am. And we exist. And we're in that moment and it all just falls into place and is so easy. He makes it easy!

I don't remember being this head over heels for someone. Ever. Much less someone who doesn't pull out a bunch of lame lines to try and get me in his trap. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear. It just so happens, that the things he says without any effort prove that he is the type of guy I'm looking for. He says the things I want to hear with out trying or realizing it.

He's well rounded. A perfect gentleman - which I will explain in just a moment. He doesn't listen to the radio because it all sounds the same. He enjoys red wine and high quality beer. He's a foodie. He is cultured. He plays music and is a business man who enjoys the great outdoors. We come from the same background and have a similar understanding on life. We have the same morbid sense of humor.

Who does this happen to?!

Hello, random qualities that I have picked out of a bunch of different types of guys that I have dated... How did you all end up in one person?

Is there such a thing as something being too good to be true... and actually being true? It's like I just found out that the M&M guys really do exist, and are willing to let me take a bite.

I was recently talking to my person about this man that I have fallen head over heels for... Notice how I said "man"? No, not just scuffed the toe of my shoe like so many times before. I'm talking, full on tripped and half way down to the ground, fallen for... She has the same feeling about this guy that I have. And she recalled a conversation she had with her father about relationships... We date the guys that are not ready to settle down. The guys that treat us like crap, that we never will really end up with. We don't do it intentionally, all the time. It just happens. Then one day, when we are ready to make that commitment, when we've gone through enough crap and heartache, that person that we are supposed to be with will just pop out of the blue and be ready for us too.

Could that have finally happened with me? Seriously? I'm not saying that I'm actually going to end up marrying this guy, because that would just be nucking futs.... even though I probably wouldn't mind it one bit. It's too early to tell with this guy anyway, but I have a feeling... It just gives me hope that there are good guys out there that are respectful and treat women with dignity.

They do exist! Santa is a fat man that brings gifts down through your chimney and the Easter Bunny hides eggs for whatever reason! It's all true!

Back to said guy being a gentleman.... We kissed. The really good kind of kiss that takes your breath away and goes off and on for a couple hours. It happened and it was amazing. It happened a lot. In just one night. It was wonderful. I still get all a flutter thinking about it.

And then he left.


You heard me. He left. And it was a good thing. Not that I don't want whatever to happen with said guy, because I really do. He left because he was a gentleman.

WHO DOES THAT?! Seriously?! Almost every other guy I know would have pressured me to do whatever it was they wanted to do, leave, and then never speak to me again. Seriously?! I've had relationships start with a random drunk hookup. I've had guys treat me like crap after they've had their way with me and brag about it to their friends. I can't tell you the last time I had a guy that had enough respect for me, that he wanted to wait to go any further.

He left because he was a gentleman. Not because he was gay.

The kind of gentleman that walks to your door and kisses you goodnight.

The kind that tells you about how he wants to rip your clothes off and wake up the neighbors, but leaves because he knows he should.

It IS a good thing! I was bitter about it for the total of a minute, but I realized something...

They do exist! And the Tooth Fairy gives you money for teeth you hide under your pillow!

They are real and amazing and wonderful. Freaking fantastic. Not every knight/prince comes with a white steed and a suit of armor. Sometimes they use wax in their hair and wear buttondown shirts.... And they give you a look that is so intense that you can't look back for very long, for fear that they may steal your soul. It's a good thing.

These are all good things.

Now that I've thought about it all so much, I need a minute to breathe.... *phew*