hurricane mcfrank

every song i hear reminds me of you.

it's not like i need the music. randomly thoughts of you creep into my head. it's been happening more often now, and it gets so bad that i have to stop what i'm doing to try and breathe. it feels like someone is digging a knife into my heart, trying to make it stop beating, and filling my lungs with fluid every time... like i'm seriously drowning.

i sit in a chair, with my head between my legs, and try to take deep breaths and get my heart to stop throbbing in pain. within minutes, the liquid in my lungs seems to disappear, and my heart returns to it's normal rate. people literally die of broken hearts... i know it's not the same thing. but it's painful. my heart doesn't feel complete. and this pain keeps flooding me. it's not normal. it's not okay to feel this way. especially more than a year after the destruction that was us swept through my life and destroyed me. the hurricane.

these thoughts of you should not drown me. it's been over a year since i've seen you, and i should have lost hope a long time ago that we would ever be together again. i keep trying to remind myself that you are a different person now. that the boy i loved is long gone, and doesn't love me anymore. but the memories we have remain. ghosts haunting me at every turn in the shadows. no one has looked at me the way you did. ever. they haven't held me the same... they will never love me the same. and losing that is scarier than the ghosts. and the drowning.

i knew what true love was once. i had it at my finger tips. i had it laying next to me every night, keeping me safe and warm as we talked all day and night long in that hammock in your dad's back yard. i had it in little messages you used to leave me, and in the things we used to do. camping, talking, making love, singing songs to each other...

i will always remember your 21st birthday. i will always remember candles exploding on the first night we were together. and the christmas when you gave me the 'bike'. the motorhome. i will always remember the good times we had. and the bad. god knows we had them both. but i will remember that we had time at all, and that at one point, i was loved. and that i knew what true love was. i still know what it is. and that i had it with you, and haven't been able to find it with anyone else.

thunderstorms and rain still have an effect on me. it seems like anytime something dramatic happened, it would start to rain.

the thing with drowning, is people just give up sometimes. they don't fight to get out of the water and try to save themselves. i want to keep living, breathing, and feeling the sunshine on my face. i just wish i could have that love again. that the thoughts would stop drowning me, and that the ghosts would give me some peace instead of rubbing what has been lost in my face.

maybe one day, we will be together again. maybe one day, you or someone else will pull me out of the water and save my life. but right now, i need to keep kicking and trying to find the surface so i have a chance of surviving. hopefully FEMA won't come too late to repair the damage. it already seems like it's taking a long time.

maybe, one day... worst phrase ever.