Saturday, October 17, 2009

taking another vacation to dark and twisty land...

I get in these funks where nothing seems to make any sense... I deep depression. Which is a big deal, because I usually can find the positive in everything. Someone will tell me their sob story, and I seem to find something positive about it. I twist it so that they can see the bright side. And even though I can easily find the bright side in my own situation, it feels like the past few days have had nothing but darkness.... A total lack of bright and happy.

My mind has taken another vacation to dark and twisty land. Shadows have more shadows, and the darkness is just followed by more darkness. My mind seems stuck in this place and I HATE it. So why not just pull myself out of it, right?

Believe me. I'm trying.

I usually have my person to help pull me out of these messes that I get my mind into. I tell her what I'm thinking and feeling, and she knows me so well, she can help me rationalize my feelings. We have always joked about being able to justify and rationalize anything. When we write each other, we can hear each other's voice as we read, so we don't mind not talking on the phone. We used to talk all day every day... But lately there has been total silence on both ends.

So here I am, in dark and twisty land. My heart and head are aching. And I'm trying to rationalize my thoughts by myself. Kind of. Writing helps.

I was getting ready just a minute ago, before I started writing. I was plucking my eyebrows to be exact, and I just started crying. I don't even think I was thinking about anything. That's how depressed I've felt. I cried myself to sleep the past two nights. Because I have felt totally alone.

It's hard to be a single mom. And I'm not taking pity on myself by any means. I'm just saying, it's really hard. I haven't been very good at keeping in contact with a lot of people and I'm trying to get better. But because I have a child now, it seems like I don't get invited to many things. Friends will get together and watch movies, go out for drinks, and no word of it gets to me until it's already happening, or has happened. And it doesn't even register to them that I might want to go. That I could find a sitter for Tegan and go have some time away from being a mommy. That I might NEED that time. They just assume that I'm busy, doing mommy stuff. I am. But I will make time for my friends, when I can. There are a lot of people I want to see. Lots of people that I want to hang out with and spend time with. My person? I've seen her a couple times since she's been back. Once when we spent the night together, and another time when I stopped in to see her at her work. And she's been back for about a couple months now. But I haven't wanted to get in her way or make her hang out with me. When I've had days off, I've tried to see what she's doing and she's busy with someone else. I'm not the type to invite myself along, so I just talk to her whenever she writes me back. I don't want to be that person...

"hang out with me, let's play, what are you doing? what are you eating? do you think about me? what about now? are we friends? look at me being insecure and wanting to be around you and bask in your love for all eternity!"

I've had those people for friends and it drives me crazy! I don't want to be that person! So I don't pester. I don't keep asking when we're going to hang out. I figure when someone wants to hang out with me, they'll ask. But I need to make plans in advance because I need a sitter. I can't just run off and do whatever like I used to. And I miss that.

I think it's great that my friends can take random trips to Vegas and Seattle and Moab... I wish that I could do it too. And the only reason I have a hard time is because I realize that I can't do that too. I might be able to swing a camping trip here and there, with the baby. But this isn't where I wanted my life to be at 22. Single. A mom. And alone.

Yes, I'm making plans. I'm starting school this spring and I have a good job with health insurance and all that jazz. I'm trying to get my life in order so I don't have to live with my mom for the rest of my life. But I need to socialize. All work and no play makes Mandy a dull lady.

Oh! Something popped into my head from my psychology class....
This would be it. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It's like the food pyramid... Only not. And more important. There are basic needs that each person as an individual need to survive. The base is kinda obvious... We all need air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex and sleep to do anything. Well... I'm lacking two right there. Sex and Sleep. Both of which are kinda hard to have when you're a single mommy. But it can be worked on. We need to have an actual relationship before the sex can come though. Which comes later. I have all the safety needs... The big thing that I need is in the third category. Belongingness and Love. I need friendship. I have my family around, and we don't see each other much. But I could make the effort to hang out with them more too.

I'm not blaming other people for me not being happy. That's not reasonable or responsible. I could call people and ask them to hang out, make plans to do something. It's not just that they don't want to hang out with me. They think I'm busy because I don't ask them to hang out either. It's a two way street.

I just need to get my head of out dark and twisty land and get my ass back in to bright and happy land. I need to snap out of it and stop thinking so much. I need to keep reminding myself of the positive things in life.

Speaking of... Tegan has two teeth now. Which is crazy! She's getting so big. I just enrolled her into a day care that seems amazing! And it's provided by my work, which is even better. I didn't think that they had one for whatever reason, and I was stressing about finding something that would work with my crazy schedule. Every where I tried wasn't open early or late enough so I was trying to work out a way for someone to pick her up and drop her off. Who knew that the hospital would be smart enough to provide a day care for people that work 12 hour shifts in hospitals.

She's growing so fast. One of these days I'll blink and she'll be in kindergarten... I'll blink again and she'll be in high school, talking about boys and her first kiss... Another blink and she'll be in college, getting married. Probably before me... hahaha. Eeee... It's funny until it really happens.

I'm getting excited for school. It will be so nice to feel productive like that again! It will help with everything that I've had on my mind too... And I may actually meet some new friends in class or something. You never know.

I've already made plans for tonight... You see how good I am? I even asked this person if they wanted to do something, instead of waiting for them to come to me. Which I probably need to do more often. I'd like to get out of the house and baby free at least one night a month. I get out for work, sure, but I need time to be me. Not mommy. Not a CNA. Just Mandy.

I'm starting to see the road out of dark and twisty land.... And it's filled with fall sunshine.