A previously unpublished blog...

Ha ha ha so... I found this when I was going through things to study for finals and I realized I never posted it... It made me realize how clever and witty I can be. And it made me think about a sad time in my life and LAUGH. We all need that every now and again... and it means we've moved on. It's amazing what a little time and space will do. So here you guys go... a blog from a couple years ago that was never posted.

Bliggity Blog

Sunday, Oct. 11, 2009

SO....

I did it again. A stupid lul in my blogging. And I’m sorry... But things were kinda crazy. Want to know what happened? Okay? Okay.

I moved downtown and then moved back to my mom’s house. I made it out for like three weeks, hardly stayed there, didn’t even move my bed up, and I just got everything back into my mom’s house again today. It was hard to do! Anyone that knows me, knows that I want to live in the Avenues in downtown Salt Lake, and that’s right where I was. I could see the hospital from the kitchen window, and we used to sit out on the fire escape. It was near perfect. The air has been getting crisp from the autumn air, and the leaves have been turning colors. I would watch the sunset from the living room or out on the fire escape. But it never really felt like home.

The convience was amazing. It took me less than five minutes to get to work, which meant more sleep for me. Kinda. And it meant a lot less gas too. But honestly? I can’t afford it. I have to much that I need to get to take care of the little one. She’s growing and needs warm clothes, which I got today. Some today anyway. She needs toys to learn and grow, food... Whatever little kids need, and I would have no way to get any of it if I was living out of the house because I would have more bills to take care of.

It would help if Sperm Donor would pitch in every once in a while... Has he bought one diaper? One jar of baby food? No. Nothing. He hasn’t even tried to see how she’s doing or tried to talk to me. I did tell him not to talk to me unless he absolutely had to, and he hasn’t. He made no effort, so I told him just to forget about it. But that’s besides the point. I’m waiting for child support to come, and it’s just a waiting game. I call, they tell me that they’re working on it. I call again, and they’re still working on it. I’ll get a letter when they award me something... Bla bla bla. I’m grateful for the government’s help and all, but I applied in April, and I’m still waiting. Kids cost money, and I could use some help.

OH! And she has two teeth now. On the bottom! I’ve been trying to get a picture, but her little tongue keeps getting in the way. I’ll get one soon. Teething has been really hard... But she’s doing better today.

I wouldn’t give her up for anything, and honestly she is my whole world. I would do all this crap all over again if I had to. When I hear her giggle, it warms my heart. It keeps me going. It helps remind me to keep breathing. I do it all for her. And a little for me to. She forced me to make my life better and to be more picky about who I hang out with. And who I date. Which means pretty much no one. (That’s my excuse for being a loser... and it doesn’t mean that if I haven’t hung out with you that you suck or anything... I promise. If you’re reading this you’re probably on my cool list. Or I don’t know you. That, and I’ve been super busy, in case you can’t tell.)

Oh! I’m working on financial aid stuff with school now too. Which feels good. I hate filling out paperwork, but I have to make sure I get it all done. It means I get an education for less that I would have before, and it will all be worth it. Tiny sidebar with school... I get to take Math 1010. Do you know what class I was taking in high school? Freaking Trig. Seriously?!? That’s what I get for not staying in school. Hopefully it will be a breeze. I figured it out from this website that the school counselor told me to go too, and it’s a good thing she told me to go there, because I tried doing some equations from each class and had no idea what they were trying to get me to do.

2+2 = 4!?! When the hell did that happen?

Whatever. School is school. It will feel good to get back to it.

On the way back from moving my stuff back out of the apartment, (which sucked by the way... Big time. There was a lot of stuff and lots of trips up and down four huge flights of stairs...), I stopped at Taco Bell and got some yummy food. I finally got to the last bit of it just a little bit before I started writing, and my mind wandered while I listened to the TV in the background.

Something about weddings...

Which made my mind wander to the phone calls and e-mails I’ve been getting because I signed up for a mailing list when I tried on wedding dresses back in the day when Mike and I were talking about getting married. I’m going somewhere with this I promise. Taco Bell doesn’t always lead to wedding bells... That would just be weird.

In thinking about the wedding dresses and all that fun stuff, I remembered what scared me and when I realized that I couldn’t marry Mike. That it wasn’t right. I would put on one of the dresses I liked and close my eyes and picture myself walking down the aisle. The flowers... The guests... The venue... The guy... And it wasn’t Mike. He wasn’t there at the end of the aisle. I couldn’t picture it no matter how hard I tried. There was still someone else down there, and he hasn’t left yet. Yes, it’s the Brown Boot.

A raise of hands for everyone who saw that coming? Yeah, everyone. I thought so.

As I’m thinking this, I’m reaching in my Taco Bell bag for a pack of Border Sauce for my massive burrito. And you know how they all have funny little things on them? This one said...

“Will you marry me?”

Really? That has to be coincidence. HAS to be. There is no way. Why do I have to pull out that sauce packet at that moment? The stupid little packet knew what was going through my head, and just glared at me, sticking out it’s tongue.

Neener. Neener. Neener.

You’ll never get this!

My person decided to call it “Bastard Sauce.” Ha ha ha, very fitting.

Can you imagine what would happen to some poor Utah County girl, on a date with her boyfriend? I could totally see her pulling it out, thinking it was a clever proposal idea, while her boyfriend is sitting there in horror as everyone stared at them.

Ten extra points if he was taking her to Taco Bell to break up with her so she wouldn’t make a scene... Uh oh, too late.

I’m going to hell for sure.... That would be terrible! But you have to admit it would be really funny to watch. I’d cry. From laughing so hard. Ha ha ha

OH! And I’m trying to figure out a funny costume idea for Tegan and I for Halloween.... anyone have any ideas? So far, I have White Rabbit and Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and lion and ringleader. But I’m not sure about either one. Maybe Mad Hatter? I dunno.

It's that time of year

I don't know what it is about this time of year.... Colder weather brings memories of holding someone close. Wind blowing reminds single people of being intertwined in the arms of a former lover, and it's when the wind blows and the temperature drops that people start to remember.

Their hearts get lonely. They see the colors of the leaves changing, and they think of me... weather it is because of the memories they had crunching leaves under their feet while walking hand in hand or if it is those same colors that remind them of the color of my hair....

Whatever it is about this time of year is making guys come out of the woodwork. Exes are asking for second, third and fourth chances. Baby daddy is randomly thinking of me and decides to say something after saying nothing for two years. Guys that I thought were gone are starting to appear once again... It always happens after I decide to be done.

There is a three date thing going with me lately, and it's only with new guys that I try to date. Third time isn't the charm in my case... I find a guy that TiVo's football for me - and after three dates he stops contacting me. A guy takes me on a romantic carriage ride at midnight, opens doors for me, and takes me on a picnic - after three dates he stops contacting me. I go on three dates with a wonderful guy and he doesn't stop talking to me... Instead, he invites me to go to Vegas and when I don't answer right away he books the trip with someone else and then doesn't understand why I'm upset. Right after date three.

It doesn't matter what leads to the third date or what happens after then, after three dates they are done. No, I don't sleep with them. It's three strikes and I'm out. And I let it happen. I don't give them excuses. I don't tell them they should give me date number four, because guess what?

.... I shouldn't have to tell them to give me date number four. They should be the one chasing me.

No, that is not old fashioned.

That is how it should be.

I've been to hell and back and I deserve a guy that will see how wonderful and amazing I am without me having to hand them a resume.

I shouldn't have to jump up and down, waving my arms screaming at them to pick me over that other girl.

They should just know.

And if they don't know, they aren't worth it.

If I'm not with someone yet, it's because it's not my time.

I'm a busy girl. I have a lot piled on my very tiny plate, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I'm not going to waste time with a guy that won't meet me half way. I'm not going to waste time on a guy that won't open doors for me and get me flowers. It's not because it is an old fashioned thing - it's a respect thing.

I DESERVE to be respected.

I deserve to have someone that will stand outside my window with a radio over their head playing a song that makes them think of me.

I deserve someone that will give me the last slice of my favorite cheesecake.

I deserve someone that will randomly send me flowers at my work because they are thinking of me.

I deserve someone that won't mind keeping me wrapped in their arms because they don't want to be anywhere else.

I deserve someone that isn't afraid to be with me. OR my daughter.

It isn't something that I should have to ask for. It's not like I'm sitting here waiting for it all to happen. I've gone through a lot and have done a lot of very difficult work to get where I am today and to be who I am today. One day, someone will recognize that.

One day, someone will blow me out of the water.

One day, I will make it to date number four.

And after that date? My ladies and I are going to pop open a bottle of champagne.

I'll jump, I swear!

So... Here's the thing.

I'm falling. Hard and fast. And this is the part where I usually realize that there is a big huge rock in the murky water that I have decided to plummet towards, head first. I have hit this rock many times before, even though I keep trying to dive into different areas of this supposedly bottomless lake, I keep hitting the same damn sharp jagged rock. It's painful. Every time, it hurts and I keep forgetting why I was hesitant to jump in again.

It's the falling. It's the butterflies in my stomach as my limbs flail in the air and my heart jumps into my throat. It's the feeling that I'm flying. It's the air rushing past me on the way down... The adrenaline rush. It's all the stuff that happens before I hit the water.

That being said...

I have a tendency to feel like I'm not the first choice. I offer exes that I used to love with my whole heart second chances, only to have them tell me that they love someone else - after saying they wanted the second chance. I pour my heart out to someone who says they want to be with me and believe that I really want to be with them, only to have them either not be who I thought they were or run into the arms of someone else.

I am not the type to jump up and down and say "PICK ME!!" but that's what I really want to do. I am the person that wants the people I care about to be happy, even if it isn't with me. Someone told me that it isn't a matter of picking me... It's a matter of ruling out the "what if". Which is a very nice way to reject me with out rejecting me. Even though you are trying to make it seem like I'm not second choice, you kind of just did. Because if you wanted to be with me, you would just suck it up and do it already and quit with the lame excuses.

But, it makes sense... in a very sick and twisted way. I kind of understand wanting to rule out the "what if"... Make sure it really isn't going to work out... I can understand that. But I don't want to wait. I don't want to get my hopes up that someone will treat me the way I want to be treated and freaking deserve to be treated, and then realize that they didn't pick me. That all the pretty promises and sweet things they were saying were nothing more that just pretty words and beautiful lies. So many guys I have dated have talked about all of these amazing things they want to do with me, and the NEVER follow through. They talk about having families, and all these wonderful things in life that I want. And then they run. I'm already free-falling, and they're slowing backing away from the ledge.

I'm that girl. I'm the girl that is ready to jump in for the right guy. I strip down to nothing, leaving a trail of myself to the edge before I plummet. I expose myself down to my bare naked soul and flaunt my imperfections to have the one that was supposed to run and jump with me head the other direction.

I think about the current person, and my heart wants to jump out of my throat. I forget how to breathe. I can not stop eating. I keep going through this pattern, and I'm sick of it.

How the hell do I find the right guy and know that it is worth it? Because all of the "Mr. Right-Guy-He-Could-Possibly-Be-The-One-I-Spend-Forever-Withs" haven't lived up to their names so far.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be with me.
I want someone who will treat me like I am the last girl they will love all their life.
I want someone that will do little things to remind me all the time that they love me.
I want someone to make me their first choice.
I want someone that loves me as much as I love them, and not in a creepy sort of way.
I want someone that will be totally intertwined with me the entire night, and won't wake up all the way on the other side of the bed.
I want someone who understands that I am my own person and will let me live my life.
I want someone who knows that we can add to each other's happiness, and not the sole source of joy.
I want someone that will take me as I am.
I want someone that will love me beyond the rest of my life.
I want someone who will love my daughter as much as I do.
I want someone willing to bring me coffee in the morning when I'm having a rough day.

Is it too much to ask? Did I lose people there? Am I really that complicated?

I've tried the dating thing. Back to knitting to give myself a mental break... Clear my head. But when the time is right, I'm ready. Bare naked, at the edge of a very high cliff, my chipped pedicure toes curling over the edge and ready to jump.

Catch me.