right where i left it...

I went to Coffee Break today!

Yeah, yeah... People can say whatever they want about that place. But I can promise you, it's not a place I go to be seen. I go there because I went there for years, and I know people there. And if I make the drinks, they taste good.

I love downtown... I feel like I took it for granted when I lived there before. This time, I went with my mom and her friend to Sage's Cafe. Even though I'm not vegetarian, the food is always delicious, and any one that has gone there with me has raved about it for weeks... wait... years. Literally. Even though I suggested a million other places to go so I could broaden the palate of my mom and her friend, she insisted on going there. At least I can sneak people into eating tofu and they won't even notice it!

On the way there, my heart was beating a million miles a minute. I have missed downtown so much. There is nothing like the culture that is in downtown Salt Lake City. Every thing I passed brought so many memories of what my life was like before I moved away. I miss the Broadway Centre and the Tower Theater, where my friends and I used to watch independent films. I miss the local coffee shops, that are EVERYWHERE! The different restaurants... Oh man... There are so many local restaurants, and none of them are the same. The music scene, the bar scene, the art scene... I even miss going to the library, just to go and randomly pick a book that I would soon end up loving even though it didn't have any pictures. I miss the street vendor that I used to get two hot dogs from. One for me and one for my dog. I miss the guy that would play his pan pipes, even though he didn't have any fingers. Somehow, we always found something to do, even if we didn't have any money.

The people downtown are so real. Most of them, anyway... Depending on where you go or who you know. I never realized how much I missed just the idea of being downtown, and being able to walk everywhere, or know that the UTA transit system could take me anywhere I wanted to go.

I left to try and find myself.... I moved away, because I felt stuck, and like I needed to get out. I'm pretty sure that everyone feels that way at some point. It was so hard to pack up all my stuff, give things away, and say goodbye to what I had... I honestly felt like Florida was the place I needed to be, and for a while I felt like I belonged. I went to Disney World, to the beach, and to a couple different bars. It was a much needed vacation that lasted almost an entire year. I got to experience life outside of Utah, and I knew that at some point I would miss home and want to come back... I just never realized how badly I would miss the life I once had.

After we grabbed some dinner, I went to Coffee Break. I walked up the steps, and didn't even get inside before I saw a familiar face, and it was so good to see someone NORMAL! We talked like I had never been gone in the first place... I finally felt like I belonged. Like I really belonged. I knew where everything was, and I felt comfortable, but not too comfortable. I had a perma-grin, and I was okay with it. I talked to people I had never met before, and they understood me. I didn't have to explain myself over and over - these people were on my same level, on my same wave length. And it felt soooooo damn good. On top of that, the girls behind the counter knew who I was because the owner had talked about me to them... Strangely he said good things. They even let me behind the counter twice so I could make my drink my way, and they didn't make a big deal about it. It was way better than anything someone could get at Burger King.

I still love the beach and palm trees and seashells... It's just not the place I really belong. The place I belong is right were I left it. The life I've always wanted is right at my fingertips, and has been staring straight into my eyes. It has always had open arms for me... It just took a little while, and a detour to realize that I wanted to be wrapped up in this city's arms.

One day, in an ideal world, my child and I will live downtown in a small house up in the Avenues, that is old but full of character and history... With a porch, and a small backyard. With or without a man on my arm. We will stroll down the streets, play in the snow or leaves that have gathered in the parks; or spend a day at Liberty Park playing on the playground, feeding the ducks, riding the rides, and looking at different displays. We'll have our place that we will go every Sunday for breakfast. And every Tuesday, I'll read the Salt Lake City Weekly. I will have friends that will go out with me for a couple drinks and some pleasant conversation. We will go see independent movies and see local bands play at the Gallivan Plaza. And every Saturday, we'll look at the displays and vendors at the Farmers Market when the season is right.

I had a moment as the sun started to set behind the cityscape, and I was sitting at my table outside that I had always sat at.... I was home. I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to find it. But the journey has been nice. Sometimes, it takes a little bit of wandering to find that the life you always wanted was right there waiting for you to come and take it by the hand, and enjoy it as much as possible. And I'm sure that I needed to have the experiences I have had to appreciate what I have and to know what I want. I wouldn't be me with out anything I've gone through.

It's always been right there... that life I want has been waiting right where I left it. And one day I will be wrapped up in the arms of that city again... Happiness is just around the corner.