Saturday, January 31, 2009

false alarms and pain pills... joy


That's pretty much what it boils down to.  I have never been in this much pain, and I'm pretty sure I've said that before.  But it's been really bad lately.  I can't work anymore.  But I'm too scared to not work because I don't want to put them in a bad situation and I really could use the money.  But physically?  Working is probably one of the worst ideas for me... currently.

I left work early on Friday.... Yesterday.  It seems like days ago, but it wasn't.  This is what went down....

I was near tears, trying to work as fast as I could, but I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe.  Lunch time finally came, and my mom had ordered me a delicious salad from Costa Vida (delicious!), so I was on my way over to the new building, which is where she works, from the main hospital, which is where I work.  The walk wasn't that long.  Normally it would take me only a couple of minutes to get over there... but yesterday it took me ten before I even got the the elevators leading up to her floor.

There has been this sharp, stabbing pain in my ribs and my back... the baby moves like crazy all the time, and it is so painful.  My joints are all messed up, so walking felt almost impossible because my hips hurt so badly.  Not to mention that I kept getting comments from everyone that I looked really pale and sick, even though I had been eating a ton all day and had taken my pills.

Okay.  I finally find my mom and the food, and by the time I've gotten there, I'm too sick to eat anything.  I had gotten really nauseated.  Even though I had been taking my pills for that too.  All the nurses and doctors were asking me questions about how I was feeling and where the pain was coming from.  Finally, they convinced me to go into the main office for my department and tell them that I couldn't work the rest of my shift, and to go to the hospital I was already pre-admitted at to see what was wrong...

We finally get there.  And I got settled into a room, and am so nicely dressed in an IV gown.  I'm hooked to monitors to monitor the baby's heart beat and my contractions to make sure everything was okay.  The nurse asked me a million different questions about everything from my pain levels (which she didn't believe were that high) to past conditions that I've had.

I knew when I walked in that I wasn't in labor.  There was no way that I was having contractions, because I couldn't feel any.  The problem has been my ribs and my back the ENTIRE time that I've been pregnant, and all everyone says, is there's nothing I can do and to just wait it out.  How nice of them... Great advice.  To which I would respond.... "shove it where the sun don't shine!"  With a nice, big smile.

So, I lay there.  Strapped to machines, with lubricating jelly leaking out of my who haa from the first time they checked to see how dilated I was, trying to sleep with the amount of pain I was in... It seemed impossible.  But apparently I drifted off to sleep, and the nurse came back in to check me and see how I was doing.  When she found that I was exactly the same, (DUH, I knew that), she said that she could give me something for the pain, and send me home.  (The pills were awesome by the way, and I had no pain for the rest of the night... and they did kinda make me pass out...)

BUT  when I asked if I could get some kind of prescription to help ease the pain while I wasn't working, the nurse said no, and looked at me like I was crazy.  She also said I should just try warm baths and non-asprin Tylonol.  When I told her that I have been doing that every day for months and it hadn't done anything, she said I should just keep trying because they try not to give much medicine in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Stupid nurse.  She didn't believe that I was in much pain in the first place, and whenever I asked for help with the pain, she just brushed it off like I was another pregnant lady complaining about simple pregnancy pains.  Which really bugged me.  When I asked to talk to my doctor about what I should do about working, she brushed it off again.  I felt like she wasn't listening to me at all!  

Any time I've mentioned the pain I'm in to anyone, they just say, "Welcome to pregnancy!  It will be over soon..."  Really?  That's all you have to say?  Try it one more time and I'll shove my maternity brace down your throat.  Did I mention that I went to physical therapy?  For two weeks?  And they told me that nothing they could do would help me, so it would be best for me to come back after I had the baby if the pain was still bothering me.  NO JOKE.

So you know what I'm going to do?  I already talked to the people at my work and told them I was having a really hard time working and I am in constant pain... and working makes it worse.  I'll just have to make the final decision, and tell them that I can't work anymore.... good lord.  I'll have to stop working, try to figure out how to pay for the things I need and keep my job so I can keep the health insurance and have a job to go back to when it's time.

On the plus side, I'm dilated to a 2 and I'm already 80% effaced.  Woot.  But I could stay that way for weeks.  Only 20 more days...

I love dealing with stuff like this... Now if I could find a way to make the pain not be so....  painful.  

Wouldn't that be nice?  I can't wait until this is over....  Keep your fingers crossed.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

getting kicked in the ribs hurts... even on the inside.

"It's not that bad, it's not that bad, it's not that bad...."

Famous last words, right?  I have been in so much pain the past few days.  This little girl has been kicking the HELL out of me.  If she's not sitting on my bladder, she's playing my ribs like a xylophone, punching my hips, and rubbing the inside of my uterus raw.  And she's had a lot of fun crushing my lungs lately too.  No joke.  Not to mention all the other complications that come with pregnancy... 

You want to hear a funny one?  This paragraph is going to get a little graphic... So if you have a weak tummy or mind, skip it.  I have hemorrhoids.  And I'm constipated.  Which makes them worse.  Oh wait, did I mention that I'm anemic too?  So I have to take iron twice a day, which makes poop even harder, which means, unless I take some kind of laxative, the toilet will be filled with blood from my ass.  Funny joke.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Not.  How can women forget things like this when it's time to have another baby???

Not to mention the lack of sleep I've had lately.  I was up every couple of hours last night, going to the bathroom.  But I was so thirsty.  I tried to not drink anything, but then my mouth would get super dry and that would make it so I couldn't sleep yet again.  I tried.  It kept me awake for two hours.  Happy day.  As if my tummy constantly hurting wasn't bad enough...  Hurray for contractions.

I've been going to physical therapy too.  But sadly, they couldn't do anything to help the main problem.  My ribs have been killing me!  They go numb, tingle, pins and needles, burning, itching, dull ache... every pain that I've been able to think of, has happened in this little are of maybe two inches on my ribs.  But, because of the HUGE belly I have and the little one resting... kind of resting... inside of it, they can't do any xrays or testing to see what's really wrong... So the goal for the next couple weeks?  Try to make me comfortable until she gets here.

It could be worse.  Right?  It's not that bad.  I can still work.  Kinda... I am in so much pain by the end of the day, but I still do it because I have to.  This is when it's nice to have some help from... oh, I don't know.  The father of the baby.  Who is supposed to give some kind of support, but hasn't shown that he gives a damn.  No money.  No emotional support.  No nothing.  Because he's awesome like that.  Like I said before...  I can pick 'em.

Really, I only have like, three more vagina doctor appointments until the baby comes.  And that's if she doesn't decide to make her appearance early.  Three appointments a week with physical therapy.  An appointment this week with the dentist.  And that's all with working forty hours this week.  Sweet.  But, by the time I go back, my six months may be up!  Which means I can transfer over from housekeeping to being a CNA... and that makes my true career of nursing one step closer.  Not to mention, the pay and hours are so much better... and there isn't as much physical labor.  Fingers crossed folks!

The nursery is almost done.  Pretty much all we have to do is paint... and we don't even have to do that.  It's just decorative stuff... Positive quotes to put on the walls to motivate her to be strong.  Hanging things up on the walls, and putting little things  in their places.  After that, you know what's next?  The hospital bag.  Making sure I have what I need while I'm there and for the trip home.  I already have the baby's bag packed...  She'll be here before I know it.

So really, this 40ish weeks of pain really isn't that bad.  I know it could be so much worse.  But if I compare it to what I'm going to have after all this temporary pain is over, it really isn't so bad.  I'll have a daughter.  A baby.  A little life to take care of.  Someone to watch grow, learn, and develop into a little woman.  And there can't be anything better than that....

The situation with my mom...  Well, she never said she was sorry for the things she said.  She never felt that they were uncalled for, or anything like that.  She's acting like it never happened.  So I'm pretending like everything is okay with her.  I don't know how long I'll stay with her... If I actually get some child support from the dad, I'm going to use that to get my own place, and start back in school again... which hopefully moves downtown.  But again, that will be in about a year.

I have a friend on his mission right now, in Mexico.  I've known him since 7th grade, but we kinda lost touch for a while.  We will write e-mails, not very long ones, but enough to keep each other updated.  My mother, for some reason, is convinced that we are going to get married.

"He's not my type, mom.  We're friends, we're not going to be anything more."
"Well, sometimes friends make the best husbands."
"I'm not going to marry him mom.  Because we're friends and talking while he's on his mission, it doesn't mean anything.  I don't love him like that, and I'm not going to marry someone unless I do love them the way someone in love is supposed to love someone else."

Seriously... Who is going to take relationship advice from a bitter lady who got divorced after 40 years?  I love my mom.  Don't get me wrong.  Yeah, she's closed-minded and doesn't really understand how the world works... but I'm not listening to her when it comes to relationships, religion, or friends.  

It would be so nice, if she just let me believe what I want to believe and let me be my own person...  I'm hoping, one day, that she'll see that it's all part of being a mother.  Instead of putting me on guilt trips for being different than she is, and not believing the same things she does

In other news... I haven't broken down and tried to contact Brown Boot.  And that's something to be proud of.

The weather looked like it was going to be nice... All the snow started melting, and all that was left was a few chunks of ice.  We groomed the dogs, and got their hair nice and short.  Oh, but we really should have let it grow more.  Because we had another storm today and got a few more inches.  Poor little puppies have been freezing their little tails off. 

I still can't believe that around this time last year, I was running around in Florida.  Playing on the beach, and looking for sea shells...  Playing in DisneyWorld, like I didn't have a care in the world.  Now I'm in Utah.  In the snow.  Getting ready for a baby to come and change my world yet again... And watching Disney movies to get myself ready for all the baby stuff.  I can't wait to take her to Disney for the first time... Now that will be real magic.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

thirty-six weeks down... four to go. damn.

Another week, another baby doctor visit.  Which doesn't seem so bad... really.  Today, she poked around in my area, did a culture swab for some special bacteria.... I am 75% effaced, and already starting to dilate.  But, I could stay that way for a long time... It's getting closer and closer.  More appointments every month, means that I'm that much closer to the due date, and that much closer to having this baby in my arms instead of rubbing the left side of my uterus raw.  And yes, that is as awesome as it sounds...

My ribs are killing me.  My back feels like it's broken.  I can't breathe.  I pee all the time.  I can't sleep.  I can't do anything to get comfortable.... Blah blah blah.  You know what the baby doctor says about all of it?

"Congrats!  You're pregnant!  When this is all over, we'll talk about some birth control."

My response?

".... I was on birth control."

"Oh.... We'll talk about different birth control then."

Hmmm.... Thanks lady.  Let's make sure this doesn't happen again for a while.

It really isn't so bad.  I know it will all be worth it in the end.  She'll be here, and I'll love her more than anyone or anything.  And I still won't get any sleep, but I'm sure she'll be good company.  It is harder to do it with one less person... Actually, I wouldn't know what it's like to do it with that extra person there, so either way, it's going to be hard.  The nursery is almost ready... It's already stocked with clothes and some relatively educational toys... The designs and quotes are getting planned to paint on the walls.  She'll be here soon... And I'm still in shock that I'm pregnant in the first place.

Baby daddy update?  None.  He hardly talks to me, and when he does, it's about him.  And he asks how the baby and I are doing as an after thought.  I know how to pick 'em don't I?  Boo that man!  BOO!

Speaking of....

I'm getting memories jogged up again for another blog that will be all about former relationships, and the lessons I learned from each experience.  Most of it will all be from Mr. Brown Boot, because he is the one that I spent most of the time with and the one that I gave pretty much all of my heart to.  And the one I learned the biggest lessons from.... And the one that I'm still not totally over.  Pathetic, I know.  It will probably be titled something along the lines of.... "From Happily Ever After... To Never Gonna Happen".... Still working on the over all idea.  So look for that along with, "Is This A Fairy Tale, Or A Nightmare" which is all about the Florida journey.  I've decided that it's time to get all this stuff out along with the lessons I've learned so I don't forget later.  I've been through a lot.  Really.  And the whole point was so I could learn from it all, and I did.  I wouldn't take any of it back for the world.

Recently, I heard some news.  Something that should seem like fantastic news to me, but in reality it made me sad.  Brown Boot and his girlfriend broke up.  Why?  Because he's still scared of commitment.  He wants freedom, but he wants to feel wanted by someone.  He wants to be like his dad in all the good ways, but he's picking up too many bad things along with it, that he's turning into the person he doesn't want to be.  

I have no idea who this guy is, or what happened to the gentleman that would pull over to watch a sunset with me, or to randomly pick a flower from someone's yard for me.  The times that were simple, but filled with complicated emotions... Those are all gone.  The people that were involved are totally different now.  He doesn't know who I am anymore... In many ways I haven't changed, but I've grown a lot, and I know what mistakes were made.  I've lived, learned, and tried to move on.

So why is it sad for me that this couple broke up?  It really shouldn't have any influence on me or my life.  I shouldn't be letting it get to me.  But for some reason, it's easier to move on when I know that the person I'm trying to leave behind has someone else and is totally out of reach.  When there is no chance of seriously being with them.  When they're single, it's harder.  You think, maybe they'll come around.  Maybe they'll miss me and pick up the phone and call.  Maybe, what if, someday....  Technically, you could have the "maybe" even if they have someone else they climb into bed with every night... but it's so much harder for me to think of maybe, when someone else has the maybe instead of me.

Hearing this news, made my body shake.  I couldn't control it, and I wasn't cold.  I cried simple tears that swelled in my eyes streamed down my face... But I still tried to hold my cool when I talked to my friend about it... I asked if he was okay, and what happened... Asked if they would get back together, or if it was just one of those fights... 

"No, they're done.  He just didn't want to do it anymore."

My super adult "I've totally moved on" response?

"Everyone deserves a chance to be happy.  I just hope he doesn't keep ruining it for himself.  He has already missed out on a lot because he holds himself back in more ways than one."

Super adult, right?  Look at me and my bad self.  I did mean it though... every word.

The same thing that happened with me.  He was terrified of commitment, and terrified of not having balance.  I knew what his mind was thinking, and I knew how hurt she probably was.  And more than anything, I wanted to reach out to him and say something... Let him know that I was there for him if he needed me.  My mind kept running back and forth between my options.  Should I write him?  Leave it alone?  Back and forth, back and forth... and it was driving my brain crazy... Finally, I decided to talk to someone, instead of letting it put me into a depressing funk for the next few weeks, which was the last thing I needed in this next month...

Here's the texting that went on the next day after I found out and decided to get my mind going...

"How are you holding up?"

"I was in a lot of pain, so that distracted me.  And then I remembered that he said he would never talk to me again if I got pregnant with some else's baby.  Which made me sad.  But it also makes me wonder if he ever thinks or asks about me.  And then again, I'm sure I wouldn't want to know.  Then I think, maybe I should say hi and let him know that I'm here to listen if he needs me.  And then I change my mind.  It's just been running in circles and has gotten me no where.  Pain is distracting though.  Which sucks and helps at the same time.  He just confuses me, that's all.  And I don't even need to talk to him for him to confuse me."

"I know it's hard and confusing but I don't think it will do you any good to talk to him.  It always ends up hurting you one way or another."

"Yeah, that's what I figure.  I'm here if he needs me.  And I miss him every day.  But that doesn't change what happened.  At least there's more confirmation that it wasn't all my fault that it didn't work out.  My head just keeps going back to that lady in the coffee house that said I found my soul mate, but we needed time apart and to have other relationships before we would be together again.  But I'm tired of reaching out to him and having him shove my arms away.  Not fair.  He hasn't tried that for me, so why should I keep trying for him?  No more hurting.  Maybe after more time.  Like when I stop shaking uncontrollably when I think about him.  Good plan."

"Darling, it's time to let that go.  He isn't who you fell in love with anymore.  I know you will always hold on to those memories and you should, but it's been long enough now that it's time.  You are allowed more than one soul mate.  I was once told that soul mates aren't meant to be the person you love and marry.  They seem more like your best friend.  You can't marry your soul mate, because you're too a like...  Basically the same person.  You have to end up with someone who has more differences than similarities.  I thought it was interesting in a way.  And it kinda makes sense.  But you have bigger things to worry about than ***.  Let go."

"You're my soul mate... ;)  It just makes me sad.  He and I are so different now.  I'm really not even close to the same person he knew.  And he left so many scars...  I don't think he has any idea.  But it's time to stop ripping out the stitches and picking at the scabs.  They'll always be there, but they need time to heal.  If for whatever reason, our lives match up one day, then so be it.  But I'm honestly not planning one being with anyone.  Which is smart.  And yeah, I'll miss the person I used to know.  Just hopefully not every day for the rest of my life.  But that person is gone now.  I just seriously hope he gets his head on straight and realizes the damage that he has done before it's too late for him.  He keeps making the same mistakes and blames someone else.  Ga.  Whatever.  He'll always be that gay 80's rockstar to me that would stop on the side of the road to pick me flowers and watch sunsets in construction sites.  I'd rather have those memories than the bitter ones."

"I still don't understand why you think you're going to end up alone."

"I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment... I'd rather plan on not having anyone there than expect someone to be there and have my heart broken again...."

"You and I are built for love, darling.  And that's why this is going to be the best loved baby in the world... and when the time is right, you'll fall in love with someone as amazing as you are."

That's why she's my person.  Sometimes, you just need to talk to someone about what's going on in your head to get it all out there.  With out this girl, I would probably be in a psyche ward or something... no joke.  I'm dealing with it so much better than I thought I would... Sometimes I still get the urge to write Brown Boot... and then I decide against it.  I have different things that I need to focus on...

Anyway... More to come later.  One day, it will all be but a memory.

Picking the weeds and keeping the flowers...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

glade commercials...

I have decided that I hate the Glade commercials with that stupid redhead lady that lies to her friends and family over and over again about having Glade products.

That's not a candle! It's the smell of the gingerbread cookies that I just pulled out of the package from the store! I pretended to make them myself, and if one tries to talk, I'm going to bite it's head off!

Oh, I'm not baking a pie! It's some special candle that I bought from France that smells like apples and cinnamon, so I can pretend like I'm fancy... except it's really just a Glade candle, and I ripped off the label because for some reason I'm ashamed that I got a cheap product.

Let's do yoga and pretend like it's not really a Glade plug in that you smell! I'm pretending it's a boutique fragrance that helps me plug into my chi.

Seriously? Aren't people excited when they find something that is awesome and works and is cheap? Don't they want to tell their friends and family about it? Stupid commercials....

Maybe it's the lady that drives me crazy. She gives a bad name to redheads everywhere.

word to my mother...

Things were awesome between my mother and I. I finally felt comfortable staying with her, and I felt like we could be friends. I didn't mind grabbing a pizza with her on our way home from work and watching a movie with her and just hanging out. It was great to finally feel like I had a good relationship with her, considering the circumstances.

But, no. You see, I decided that things were great and it was a good idea to not keep expecting things to go wrong because that's something the famous boy with the brown boots would do. Things would be almost perfect, and it would get scary, so he would expect something to happen and ruin it. I decided not to do that, because I figure it's easier to enjoy the moment when you're not looking over your shoulder, waiting for something bad to happen.

I should have seen it coming. I was asking for advice on what to do with the nursery and burp cloths, things of the baby nature, and she kept talking on her damn phone. Phone call after phone call, asking for recipes from people at work, and working on things with the mortgage (haha, i just realized the first part of mortgage is mort, which means dead in French, among other things... so sad... )....

Okay, back to what I was saying. Normally, I wouldn't mind that she was trying to take care of things with the mortgage and blah blah blah. In fact, it's great that she was finally doing it, and my questions weren't that important, but she kept dialing in the middle of my sentences, completely cutting me off and making me feel like I wasn't important at all. Granted, it honestly wasn't something that needed to be talked about right then, but I don't have much time left to prepare, and I wanted to get it all set up before the baby gets here, and my due date (and birthday) are six weeks away. That's not much time at all.

So randomly she decides that she wants to talk to me, finally. Here I am, being all innocent, thinking it was going to be baby stuff. This is when it starts to get sticky.

"What happened when you were a teenager and we lived in Bountiful?"

Uh... that's very clear. Nice and specific, right? Here's my response...

"You mean, when I stopped going to church?"
"Well, that's part of it, but I'm talking about when you really started to rebel. When you started lying, sneaking out, drinking and smoking... you were very rebellious. What happened? Why did you do it?"

Now, there is no honest reason why I started drinking and smoking. The big part of it is that I stopped going to church. We have had this same damn conversation over and over again, and the same thing always happens afterwards.

"Where is this conversation going this time, Mom? You've asked me these same questions over and over again, and I always give you the same response. So where is it going this time?"

"I've just been thinking about it a lot lately and wanted to know. I want to know what your plans for the future are. Are you going to drink and smoke after the baby?"

The more words that came out of her mouth, the more bitter and angry she sounded...

"My response is still going to be the same. I stopped going to church because I realized I was going just to make you happy, and I wanted to live my life for me, not for someone else. I don't know why I started drinking and smoking, and that's not the stuff that made me happy. It's the experiences I had and the people I've met from doing what I did that has made me who I am today and I would go back and do it all again. It was a long time ago, and yeah, I didn't make the best decisions all the time, but it's made me strong enough to handle this, so I don't regret a thing. And I have no plans on going back to church. But I'm not going to go out and buy a six pack and some cigarettes when the baby comes. There is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner, or grabbing cocktails with friends. I'm not going to binge drink and neglect the baby. I'm an adult, I'm not stupid."

"That's not what I asked..."

UH..... huh, whatta? When my mother gets upset and doesn't like the answers she's getting, her mind gets scrambled... her thoughts run together like someone that dumped a million different colors of paint into a bucket and threw it into a paint mixer, and it always turns into some gross color of word vomit...

"Well, I know you don't feel well all the time and you feel stranded and along here, but I come home from work and clean up your messes in the kitchen all the time. And the dogs depend on you, and you don't take them outside enough. I'll find places where they've peed while I've been gone. If you don't feel well enough and you can't clean up after yourself and take care of the dogs, then how are you going to take care of the baby? What is your plan for the future?"

She kept going on and on... and I actually made her words sound so much more organized in that little paragraph than they really were. I'm pregnant. I'm not going to feel very well all the time. She's been there when I've randomly started puking my guts up, and she still asks me to take the dogs out in the snow and ice while she takes a bubble bath.

I clean the kitchen all the time. Not only do I clean my messes, but I also clean up her shit all the time. I don't mind taking the dogs out. Not at all. But when you get mad at me because I can't take the dogs out every single time you ask me, when you are perfectly capable of taking them out yourself, it's bull shit. They aren't even my dogs. They're hers! She doesn't do much to take care of them. She doesn't show them any attention, she doesn't feed them... the only thing she does is pay for the vet bills and sleep with one of them every night. And she has talked about getting rid of them because they're too much work for her... Sometimes I feel like she's just taking advantage of the fact that I'm here so do shit that she doesn't want to do. Like walk her dogs.

But that's not even the stuff that bothers me... What bothers me, is the fact that she is comparing me taking care of her dogs and cleaning the kitchen to taking care of a baby. My baby. Like, I'm not going to be responsible enough to take care of her or something. Are you kidding me? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

"I don't know exactly what my plan is for the future, Mom. I'm just trying to do what I can to get the baby here safely and make sure I have the things I need for her. Then I'll focus on what else I can do. But I know the baby is going to come first, always. You know I want to go to school and become a nurse, but that's a little more in the future. Right now, I need to work on saving the money for the baby and getting ready to have her here, and then figure out how it's possible to move out and get school taken care of."

"You're and adult now, and you've been making your own choices for a long time. But I'm just trying to have an adult conversation with you. Are you planning on drinking and smoking after the baby is born?"

Are you KIDDING ME?!?!

"I'm not planning on smoking, but I may have one here and there. And yeah, I would like to drink with my friends. But I already told you all that."

"I just want to know what your plans for the future are because I'm going to have to pay for it and deal with it. All the choices you made in the past, I've had to deal with."

Then her phone rang, and she answered it. I waited a couple minutes, and she was still talking, so I went downstairs to work on more stuff in the nursery.

It's really funny, because all day yesterday, I had been writing thank you notes to everyone that came to my baby shower, thanking them for all the support and for just being there. I'm glad I got so many gifts too, but I was more overwhelmed with the fact that these people were there. And the one person I needed to support me the most, was showing that she pretty much doubted me the entire time.

Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Not one bit.

This morning, at 5:00 am, she comes down to leave for work. Luckily I was already awake so I could pee... again. I don't sleep very much these days, because, I don't know, I'm PREGNANT.

"Can you take the dogs out?"

I don't say anything. Partly because I didn't want to, and the other part was because I was finally sick all the way. I was starting to get sick a couple days before, and it just got worse, until I got up this morning and I could tell I was sick sick.

"I know you're upset with me, but I'm just trying to figure out what's going on and what your plans for the future are."

I still don't say anything.

"I'm just trying to make things comfortable in my house again."

I couldn't hold it in anymore...

"Things were comfortable. Every time things are good, you want to talk about the same things and the same thing always happens. And that's what makes things uncomfortable." My voice croaks out...

"You can say whatever you want and speak your mind, but when I do it ruins everything? You don't think about the consequences about the things that you say to me."

"I haven't spoken my mind about anything! You ask me the same questions, and I give the same answers. I haven't had anything I needed to speak my mind about for anything."

"I know you are emotional, and that you were emotional yesterday..."

"I'm NOT crying! I'm sick, like I told you yesterday morning that I was coming down with something. My throat is raw, and I don't feel good at all. I haven't been crying."

"Well, your throat is sore because you haven't been saying what you need to say."

I hook her dogs up to their leashes and watched her drive away.

What the hell....

So things with my mom are back to how they were. I don't feel emotionally safe staying here, and now I'm convinced that she's going to try to make me raise my daughter her way or I'll have to leave. I'm hoping I don't have to stay long

this time last year

So... about this time last year -

I was in Florida
working in a restaurant
falling head over heals in love with my manager
spent the holiday with my friends
sweating in the humidity
more trusting of other people
playing in disney world all the time
and had a crazy amount of freedom and fun

This year on the other hand...

I'm in Utah
working in a hospital
spent the holiday with my family
single and pregnant
realized I wasn't in love with my former manager, even though I ended up being pregnant with his baby....
freezing my silly ass off in the snow
living with my mom
and don't have very much freedom... but a good amount of fun.

And I'm totally okay with it. :D Change is good. Life is good. Keep telling yourself that and one day you'll believe it.

festivus for the rest of us...

I am so happy to be in Utah for the winter holidays. I missed the snow like crazy, and last year didn't really feel like winter. We've got a good dose of it now, and I wouldn't take it back for the world.

The neighborhood roads are like sheets of ice because the HOA is awesome and didn't get the snow taken care of early enough... It's freezing outside, but I don't mind tromping around in the snow that comes to just under my knees.

The mountains are white, totally covered with snow... and it makes for a beautiful day if you pay attention. Sunrises and sunsets turn the white snow to a pale shade of pink that takes my breath away every time. It makes me so happy to look out the window, or even take the dogs outside. I shiver. Jack frost bites my nose. And then I peel a clementine and sip on some homemade apple cider...

This holiday season, I didn't focus on what I wanted for Christmas. People constantly asked what I wanted... when really, I just wanted to see my family and spend time with people that I care for. A digital camera would have been nice to, but I wasn't worried if I didn't get one. I honestly didn't expect anything from anybody. That's why it was such a shock to get something I wanted and seriously needed. My sister ended up getting me a digital camera so I could capture the memories of the end of my pregnancy and start documenting the life of my daughter. I don't think she'll ever truly know how grateful I am.... That aside, I was so happy to see my family together. And I never want to take them for granted ever again.

I have been determined to see this world through the eyes of a child. Being a big kid now, I look at the world and it seems scarier than ever. New moms everywhere worry about their kids getting sick, hearing something bad from a friend, or hell, getting shot. There's a lot of bad out there. Adults seem to focus more on what's wrong with humanity today, and during the holiday season the claws come out. Suicide rates climb, people become more interested in themselves and what they can get, and the spirit of the season is gone. It totally vanishes... Instead it turns to marketing devices, sales, and who can get the nicest whatever for whoever and beat the Johnson's next door with the Decorations.... (there was a house in my area that had the lights set to music on the radio... pretty cool, but totally over done.)

I got to baby sit my two year old nephew a couple weeks ago... He's realizing what Christmas is and he really sees the magic. He was so excited about the tree, and loved watching the really cool Christmas cartoons from the 70's.... After watching "Frosty the Snowman" like five times, and singing "Santa Clause is Coming To Town" a million more, he told me that he hopes Santa brings lots of snow this year for Christmas. When I asked him why, he said he really wanted his dad to teach him how to build a snowman. He wanted to make his own Frosty! With his dad! He didn't care what he got for Christmas, as long as there was snow to play in.

It was so cute... At that age everything is magic. You lay under the tree and look up at all the lights through the branches while the dog licks your toes. You haven't been hurt yet. Your heart hasn't truly been broken, and you haven't started learning the hard lessons that come later in life. It's a simpler time... On Christmas morning you wake up with the family and open gifts. Sure, later down the road you become selfish and want all the coolest toys. But when you're young and innocent, and so unbroken, it means so much more. Reindeer can really fly, Santa exists, and little elves make things out of wood as a part time job when they aren't working in Willy Wonka's factory. Anything can happen...

So why does this innocence have to go away? Why can't we look at the world through a child's eyes at Christmas time (or whatever nondenominational holiday you would like to insert there instead) and see that there is good in the world? Why can't the holidays be about spending time with friends and family instead of getting and giving gifts? I mean... gifts are nice and all, but what was the season really supposed to be about? Sure, you may or may not believe that a virgin actually ended up giving birth to a little baby in a stable that later grew and became the center of many cultures and religions... but there was supposed to be a meaning to the holiday season. What was it again?

Yeah, we should never take our families for granted. We really shouldn't need specific holidays to appreciate other people, like Father's Day and Mother's Day. But we are human, and it's easy to forget the important things... Like how much other people should mean to us. Or the fact that reindeer could fly and that magic was real.

I'm done with my seasonal rant... I just wish life was like the old days... simple. But I can make do with finding magic in my own way on a day to day basis.


Peace, love, and hot apple cider