Even before I got pregnant we had problems. I feel like she says a lot of things to try and make me feel guilty about the way I live my life or about things that I have done in the past. She tries to put me on guilt trips to make me feel like I am a bad daughter, rather than believe that she was a bad mother.
I don't believe I'm a bad daughter. But she is starting to show her true colors when she makes everything that is going on in my life about her. I don't drink, smoke, have sex, or get pregnant because she wasn't a good mother. What makes a good mother is the reaction to events that take place in your child's life. Instead of constantly trying to make them feel sorry, hold things over their head, or constantly put them on guilt trips, a mother should try and give the best support and unconditional love they can. Instead of saying catty comments that make their child want to be nowhere near them, try to bring them closer by showing you love them and care about them.
She causes so much emotional pain that I do not need right now. I'm pregnant and in need of love and support. Not constant emotional abuse. Why the hell should I feel sorry for my mother because I got pregnant? I shouldn't! It makes no sense to me what so ever. Why should I feel sorry for my mom and feel guilty for choices I've made in my life? I shouldn't. At all. It's not fair for any child to be treated this way, especially when they need their mother to be there for them the most.
I hope I'm not being too over dramatic. I do appreciate her help, and she has been helping me with finances, but when it comes to holding a conversation about anything I don't feel comfortable. I'm scared it will turn into some religious battle on why I live my life the way I do. I care about her and I want her to be happy, but she really isn't treating me very well. I've been trying as hard as I can to do the best I can, then she goes into how she's having a hard time with her self esteem. With the way she's been talking to me, I've been having self esteem issues too. How could someone not have them when their mother tells them that she is fighting a battle against Satan over her soul? No, seriously. That's exactly what she said.
I really hope that I am not this way with my child. I'm supposed to get up in about six hours for my first day of class but she started all this shit right before I tried to go to bed... No, while I was already in bed, she calls me out over and over again to say more shit.
Seriously? Seriously. Why am I still trying to live here and work things out when she keeps saying the things that she does? Should I just sit here and let her treat me this way? I've tried to tell her how she makes me feel when she says these things to me, and she tears me down. I can't even stand up for myself.
I need to be around people that surround me with positivity and encouragement... not people that constantly try to tear me down and make me feel about about myself or for them. She really is making it all about her. She even wrote something in a "journal" that she had sitting out. It was an analysis of my situation. And how it involves her. I understand that it involves her, but the things that she said were uncalled for. It was an over-analysis of everything I've said and done and how I've lived my life in general. She had no right to analyze that.
And she found some thing that I wrote years ago when I was venting about something she said. YEARS AGO. She found it and printed it after I wrote it, but she freaked out because I read a journal that was all about my life. The thing she wrote was not venting. It's totally different.
I'm really hurt by her and the things she has said and done. It's just the way she is though. It's painful, and I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But I do, because I have nowhere else to go. She has made it so I have to live with her. She won't let me get a job until classes are over, because it will be too much stress on me and the baby. This bull shit she is making me put up with is too much stress on me and the baby. Are you fucking kidding me? She's taking money out of some random account to help me pay for everything, and won't let me work when I need to start saving up money for this new life that is coming into my world. What the hell? Good God.
No one should live in a house where they cry themselves to sleep every night.
That's all I gotta say for now. It's time to try and rest up for my first day of class, even though she made it damn near impossible.
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