Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.

And I LOVE IT.

You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.


(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

So this is the New Year?

I'm liking the New Year so far! Yeah, it's only day two... But we need to start off positive. Right? Right.

Look at me? Posting a blog within a week of the last one! I'm amazingly amazing. Go 2010!

Did you say that, "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? Like it matters. Potato, potahto.

I've been so great at taking a little me time every night before I go to bed. It has really helped a lot. It makes me feel like I have myself back, if that makes sense. I'm also making my bed in the morning and straightening up my room. It's a self esteem boost... And if I do it, it makes it easier to do it for my patients when I go into their room... Because little things like that seem to help. But you don't know until you do it.

Let's see... What else....

Ah! I recently sent a ridiculous post to Zach Braff on Facebook. Pretty funny actually. Something about how we should get hitched and that I meant it in a not creepy way. But I said something about it on Facebook one day and decided I had to go through with it to see if he would even say it. Guaranteed he won't say, "Heck yes! That would be amazing! You are the exact woman I've been looking for!" But you never know unless you try. Seriously. I did it. You can look it up and see. If he even acknowledges my existence.... But it would be pretty cool if he said something.

On the note of being with someone and getting hitched...

Not happening any time soon. Got your hopes up? Maybe? If it did, you haven't been reading my posts very well... Go back this instant! Or something.

No, but seriously.... My mind is totally conflicted on the subject. As much as I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone and feel loved, I don't feel like it will happen any time soon. I'm not ready. I want to be, and I want to find someone I'm head over heels for, and maybe that will happen one day, but I don't feel it right now. I feel like I'm madly in love with someone that doesn't even exist anymore. And, yes... I still think about this same freaking person every freaking day at least once. And it still hurts.

But my heart is still beating and I'm still breathing... So that must mean that there is something better for me out there. If not, that's okay too. At least once upon a time I was loved the way I wanted to be loved. I'm one of the lucky ones that got to have it once. That's the whole reason I still wear the ring. Yeah it makes me think of him, but it makes me think more of the way that he loved me. I'm not wearing it in an obsessive way. I'm not wearing it because there is no need to waste diamonds. I'm wearing it because when I get sad and I feel totally alone, I look at it and remember the good things. I remember holding someone and never wanting to let go. I remember the emotions that came with wanting to spend forever with someone, a certain someone. Knowing a love like the love I knew once upon a time should be enough.

So here's the thing with the battle in my head... I want all that feeling and emotion back. I don't want all the crap I had before. I don't want to put myself through all that again, because it hurts worse than any other pain I felt before. Losing it once, sucks. Really bad. But at one point you get used to it and just let it be. You get used to hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Which isn't always a bad thing. The thought of being with a certain someone makes my heart soar. But at the same time... I want to know I can be on my own when I need to be. I know I don't need someone else. But I want someone there so badly.

I was literally sobbing in my car on the way home the other night. A song came on and just triggered something on the drive home, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. His brown boots had come stomping through my head again, and he was stuck in there. He's been tromping around ever since.

I want happily ever after now. Not in a few years. I'm tired of waiting for it to come my way. I don't want to date anymore. It sucks. Big time. I want to be to the part where someone is in my bed every night and no matter how hot it gets, we are totally intertwined all night long. I want someone that smiles when they see me every morning, and someone that makes my heart skip beats, in a good way. Someone who cares for me and shows it. Someone that makes me forget Brown Boot, or Brown Boot himself. But I need to make sure I can be happy alone too... And right now I seem to be doing okay....

So do I overly focus on myself? Do I take a bunch of credit hours and focus on work and school and the baby? Happily ever after will come when it's time for me to have it, I guess... But I can't make myself too unavailable, because then it will never happen.

I'm just tired of hurting every day... It doesn't help that I met a bunch of his fraternity friends on New Year's that my person and her manly man hosted. It was a great party, and I had a lot of fun... And every one kept talking about how great he was and how he is such a good guy... And they kept asking me what went wrong and what it was like to be with him... And that just got me going again. It was amazing to be with him, and I don't know what went wrong.... But to be with him for the rest of my life? To be with someone like him even? I'd give almost anything... If we could be together and happy. That's all I want. Is happiness.

The party was good too... I had a lot of fun with my person and all the friends that they had there. It was so good to get out and be me for one night. I don't get out much... I work and take care of the little one. And I love it. But once in a while, I need me time, and time with friends. Balance is key.

So here are the resolutions for this next year... or for the rest of my life, really.

Focus on happiness

Find "true love" once again

Make sure I get "me" time

Get enough time with Tegan

Move out

Work on school

Never forget what happiness really is...

I miss him like crazy still... How many years now? Seriously? Make it stop. I start of yet another New Year with him on the brain... and in that sense, it's just like every other year since I've known him. I can hear that song by Death Cab playing in my head at the current moment.... New Year something bla bla bla? That one.

Should we come up with a high note for this one? I'll pick middle C. The End.

the magic of love

Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.

Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.

It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.

For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.

A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.

I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.

One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes

It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.

This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.

For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?

Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.

"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."