Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.

And I LOVE IT.

You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.


(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed i could...

Okay... So I've already said that I don't know why I keep posting blogs that are like letters to you. I know that you will never read them. Ever. Once upon a time, you used to, but I know that you won't even glance their way again. But here's another one... So here it goes.

I had another dream about you last night. Every time you creep into my sleep, your ghost follows me around for at least a week. Not fair. It makes me wonder if I have this same effect on you... if you ever dream about me, which would be a way for your subconscious to unwillingly get me into your head, because that's what it does for me. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me?

Your life is so different now from what I hear. You're a totally different person. And that boy that I gave my heart to is gone. He took it and ran, giving me the seashell skeleton key only recently, and taunting me to find it again so I can unlock it and love like I've never loved before.

You have someone else, or you did last I heard. You're supposedly happy living your life under a different name than the ones that really knew you used to call you. You've changed your clothes, your personality... everything. I don't know you.

But this person that I knew keeps haunting me. The ghost of who the world once knew you as is following me around. He slips on those brown boots and walks into my mind when I'm asleep, and when I least expect it. Every time, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell that familiar smell that we used to have after hours of laying next to each other, and I can feel the warmth of his body... It's like he's right there, holding me like he used to. I wake up, and he's gone. The words that he said still echo in my head, and it will for days after the dream has happened...

"I'm okay, but I need you right now."

Is this one of the dreams that we used to have together? Back in the day, we would dream similar things... Our little boy said goodbye to you days before he left. We get this sense that something isn't right with the other person, and that's when we would reach out and finally say something... words of encouragement, or just a simple hello. But I can't do that now. I know that if I write to you, or if I try to find you, my head will get messed up all over again. I can't tell you to your face that I still love you and care about you, and that you are constantly on my mind no matter how much I beg for you to leave me alone. I can't ask if you're okay. I can't tell you in any way, shape, or form... especially if hearing from me has the same effect on you that the reverse has had on me.

I want so badly to reach out to you and start talking... be friends. But the thought of you being so different, and being with someone else... God, it tears me up inside. I wish I didn't have to write this stupid stuff to get my thoughts down. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could slap you in the face, give you a good hearty shake, and tell you to snap out of it and go back to being you. But this new you, may be the real you. And I don't know that person.

The day before Thanksgiving marks the two year anniversary of us officially not being together. It was the final break up. The other times since then we've just talked about getting back together, and started to go through the motions... then you would disappear again. This time of year is always hard for me... It puts you on my mind.

I need to not let you get to me anymore. I may not be able to stop the dreams, but I can let them not ruin me. Right now is the time to prove to myself and to the world, including you, that I am a strong person. That my head is on straight, and that I can do anything. I need to move forward with my life and show the world I can. And I need to do it alone. I need to be as independent as possible. I can totally do it.

Everyone has that "one that got away." I wish mine wasn't you.



"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seem if I just dream
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye'.

look how cultured I am... I totally just quoted Phantom of the Opera in my blog.

So, strap on your brown boots. Stomp through my dreams. Do your worst. Torment me, torture me, and remind me what I had and lost. I'm determined to handle it and let it make me a stronger person. I will always love you. But when or if the next love comes into my life, it will be greater than anything I've ever known. I'll find my heart, and use that seashell skeleton key to unlock it. I will call FEMA and make them hurry up and repair the damage from your hurricane in a quick and efficient manner, and make some updates along the way. I will investigate the ghosts you keep throwing at me, and learn what they want me to learn. I will repair the damage done to the car that somehow crashed.

If anything, you were here to teach me a lesson. And I'm going to learn whatever it is.