A little more about McArmy

I obviously don't want to give too much away. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to wake up and realize that it's all just a dream or another Nicholas Sparks book/movie.

I'm pretty sure he does exist. I mean, I have met him a few times over the years. He's the childhood friend of my childhood friend's husband. And he makes my heart melt.

We already know we're done for and we haven't even been on a date. Something was always holding us back, whether it be a friend looking out for our best interest or another relationship or whatever. Maybe the tiny fact that I now live in Utah had something to do with it. But finally we started talking. And finally things started falling into place. We want the same things and think about the same things. It's all right there, waiting for us whenever we're ready. We want to live in the same place. We talk about the same house. We have passions for similar things.... and best of all we have the same weird twisted sense of humor.

What's the catch?

Just a tiny one. You know... the ARMY.

No big deal, right? He can't tell me much about whatever it is he's doing. He's currently overseas (maybe? he can't tell me where he is) so all I have are the phone calls and emails. I can't call him, so I have to wait for some kind of contact from him. If I don't answer, I get to listen to a voicemail. But lately when we talk, it's like he's so far away. The signal cuts out and I can hear an echo. He just... Seems so close yet so far.

There are periods of time when I will hear from him multiple times a week, but when I don't hear from him for a few days I have to convince myself that he's just busy with work. Because he is. And I have to tell myself that he will call me soon, that somehow I will hear from him. And I always do. When I start to worry that something has happened to him, I always hear from him within hours. Sometimes he calls me just to tell me that he's okay and that he's thinking about me. And it helps.

He has a couple more years left of this top secret ARMY stuff, and I don't want to wait that long before I can actually be with him. It's driving me crazy. And I honestly don't think he wants to wait that long either. We're both getting impatient.

But it's hard to say you're dating someone you haven't been on a date with. We don't really know what to call this "whatever it is that we're doing" thing. But it seems totally crazy because we're both okay with it. We're both totally comfortable with it. I can't wait to know what it's like to hold him instead of a pillow.

We make plans... Plans with ferry boats and islands and beach houses and living next to our friends in West Linn. Plans involving bonfires and hiking. Plans involving meeting my family. Plans that seem to be taking the span of a lifetime.

It's funny how all the other relationships and flings I have had until now have prepared me for this. The random departures of Brown Boot from my life that left me feeling empty made me realize that I had to be happy on my own before I was happy with someone else, because someone else won't be there all the time. All the dates I went on where the conversation was nonexistent made me realize that I needed someone I could talk to. All the guys that talked about forever and had no follow through. Every guy that made false promises. The guys that made no effort to keep me. The guys that lied to me. It is all leading up to something bigger and making me realize that I deserve more.

And that more will be just around the corner.

I will be very clear that he told me not to wait for him. And technically, I'm not. No one else has asked me out. No one else has made the effort and there a ton of guys right around here that could if they wanted to.

It's funny that he's forever away and he's making more effort than any guy that said they were committed to me. Hum...

Okay. Done for now.

NO WAIT!

NEW JOB! It's awesome. I literally get to play with little kids and teach them all day. We read stories, we eat lunch, we run around and fight dragons and monsters.... It is so rewarding. They warm up to me so fast, and I feel like I'm making a bunch of tiny friends every day.

Okay, now I'm done. :)

a breath of fresh air...

It was beautiful today.

So beautiful, that if there were green leaves on the trees, birds would have been chirping. There was no need for a sweatshirt. The sun was bright and shiny, like suns are supposed to be. And the air smelled like dead leaves.

It was delicious. Scrumptious if you will.

So delicious that we decided to take Tegan for her first official hike.

"We" as in the Boy and I. The one that gave me the scuff on my shoe...

And yes, that would be him. We plan to take little nugget to the zoo tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited.

I didn't realize how hard it was to be a single mom. I mean, I knew it was hard, but it was all I knew. I didn't know what it was like to have an extra set of hands to feed her or occupy her while I try to make lunch, or to play with her.

It is so much god damn easier.

I thought I was getting help before, and don't get me wrong, I have been getting help... But this help is different. It's like we're a little family.

WOAH MANDY! WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?

No, boys and girls, calm down. We ARE taking things slow. It's just nice to know what that other life is like.

Okay, here's a couple more pictures from our hike today.... enjoy...

When we stumbled on this little paradise, it made me think of my childhood home... With the trees and the creek. It was beautiful! Did I say that already? I did. B. E. A. Utiful. Seriously...

And the more I looked at it, the more I noticed beautiful pictures that I could take. There were details that I took in with each breath, and each breath smelled of earth and leaves... Fall. I think I fell in love with a new season. I used to think of it as ugly. The season where everything dies, and hibernates for the winter. Trees losing their leaves and looking ugly and bare.

But no. This season, is full of warm colors and apple cider. Comfort food. Water rushing through rock beds. It smells like... Life. Nature prepares itself so that it can start anew once the snow melts. And it amazed me.

On a totally different note, want to know something crazy?

Beyond crazy.

So we come back to the house after the hike, trying to get Tegan to go to sleep, and I turn on the TV. NOTING IS ON.

Surprise.

I stop on Oprah, where I notice that people are singing Karaoke. And guess who I see?

You'll never guess because you don't know her...

Her name is Anna. We used to sing Karaoke together in Florida back at the famous Coconut Willy's! I recognized her right away by her crazy hair, and I only heard her sing for two seconds, but I knew it was her.

I had a friend on Oprah. How crazy is that?

It gets crazier. Ready? Are you sure? Okay....

Some background is needed for this.

So, once upon a time, before I moved to Florida, during my time working at Coffee Break, I started seeing this guy. His name is Scotty Lee, and he was convinced he was a comedian. I personally didn't think he was very funny, and when I went to one of his shows, you know who was in the audience? His mom and her friends. That's it.

We weren't anything serious. We hung out here and there, and I ended things pretty quickly because I realized he only wanted sex. When I told him that, he didn't fight me or try to prove me wrong. He just... left.

Okay, enough background.

I saw Scotty Lee on the news, multiple times tonight. Apparently he is wanted for child porn and for dating a minor.

SERIOUSLY.

Thank god I realized he wasn't funny. Because that just beyond creeps me out. Gross gross gross. I didn't think I ever came into contact with people like that. And the fact that I dated one? It makes me realize the world is a sick place.

BUT...

I think of the hike I had today and the person I was with, and take a deep breath....

I still smell dead leaves and it's not a bad thing. It makes me remember that there is good out there, and that I can see it even though people think it's ugly.

Scotty Lee, on the other hand.... He's yucko.

the magic of love

Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.

Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.

It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.

For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.

A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.

I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.

One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes

It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.

This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.

For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?

Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.

"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."