Monday, February 1, 2010
You know where I am right now? Class. That's right. I finally got back into school, and I haven't been very good with posting.... You know why? Studying.
That, and guess what else?
I moved! I got my very own place up on campus like a real college student! Look at me, moving forward and getting on with my life. Or something.
So supet stoaked.
Thing have been beyond crazy. I constantly feel behind in my studies, mostly because I am. I am reading all the time, and have a lot of stuff that seems like a review to me. But it's been good. I feel productive, like I'm actually headed toward something. I don't want to get to that point I've been working towards, and then think.... "Now what?"
There are ghosts lurking all over campus. Not the spooky, "oogie boogie" kind of ghosts. Ghosts from my past. Shadows of me and someone, walking hand in hand. The paths that we once walked carry an energy. I don't know how to explain it.
Wait... I do. But it sounds totally silly in my head. It's in an episode of Grey's Anatomy (which I have started from the beginning, yet again) and said episode actually made me cry because it made me think of this. Sentimental things make me think of that special someone. I haven't been able to help it. Lately I have had these feelings, and it's probably because there are so many memories in the areas I'm walking though, so many ghosts lurking behind the corner... But they always make me think of this moment, and it's so clear that I can feel the emotions that I felt once upon a time. I can feel my hand in his, and every once in a while, I feel his arms around me. And I remember I was loved once, and honestly I don't care if it ever comes around again. Because I remember what it was like.
Okay, so this episode of Grey's I mentioned... It's a two part episode. And it makes me sob like a freaking baby every single time. It's the ferry boat accident one. I don't need to go into much detail about the entire episode, even though it's a really good one. There is just one moment I want to focus on.
Denny and Izzie. Yeah, she went a little crazy and he died. Whatever. It doesn't necessarily relate to my life exactly. There is just a feeling. When Denny is explaining to Meredith the smile he gets when it feels like he and Izzie are in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and they can almost feel each other. They can sense the other person is there. It lasts but a moment, and that's all it takes. It lasts, almost literally, one breath. When it happens to me, in that one breath, I can almost feel his arms around me. I'm being totally serious.
Yeah, it may never happen again with this person. In fact, I highly doubt it will happen again. But it's the memory that keeps me going, breathing, feeling. If that one breath can bring me that feeling, imagine what it will feel like when I get the real thing, with whoever I get it with. If I can have that, times I million, I will be happy.
Now this brings me to something that happened at work yesterday. Well, the actual event didn't happen yesterday, but there is a story that I heard. I woman found out she had terminal cancer over a year ago. She was given two years to live, there is no cure... and to top it off, no one explained it to her. She knew she was dying, but she didn't understand what was going on. Can you imagine what it was like for her and her husband? One of the doctors, who is a rock star, by the way, went in and talked to her about everything when he found out. Long story short, she told him that she and her husband were going to go up to the mountains where they had their honeymoon decades ago, and that was where she wanted to spend her last moments, wrapped up in his arms, because that's where their life began.
Okay, enough of that... I'm starting to cry and I made my makeup look cute today...
I want that. Not they dying. You know what I mean...
I'm going to focus on my studies for a bit. Hopefully I can post more often. Wish me luck!