cry, burn, build

Gah.

Here we go again.

So there is this problem with being pregnant. Well, there's a few problems with being pregnant, but we're only going to talk about one for now. And that one has to deal with emotions.

It's not just the fact that I'm pregnant, and crying over really simple things, like a little puppy playing in the yard or someone saying something nice or mean. I'm just really sick of people being mean and stabbing other people in the back.

I have lost a lot of friends, and most of them I have lost contact with. And I feel so terrible about it, but the truth is, I have a lot on my plate right now. Not only am I pregnant, single, and living in an area where I don't have any of my close friends around, but I'm also trying to start a career to give my child the best life possible. So I haven't had a lot of time to talk to those that mean a lot to me, and tell them that I'm okay or see what is going on in their lives. On top of that, I'm sick a lot and when I'm home, I spend my time sleeping or studying... or worshiping the toilet gods. It's not very fun. SO... I'm sorry I haven't done very well with talking to people, and especially with hanging out with others. I really want to, but my life needs to calm down a little bit first.

Here's the part where I get really upset. There are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long long long time that I know are talking behind my back. It's always going to happen, not just with me, but with everyone. And it hurts. I have a lot going on, and I don't need to hear hurtful things, especially when they are not true. But if something is going around, I would rather have a friend bring it up to me so I can tell the truth about the situation, instead of have people continue saying things that are not true.

Apparently I'm self centered. I don't know how to say it with out giving away the people involved, but after talking to others that have actually made an attempt to keep in contact with me and know who I really am, they have told me that the person that said this was no real friend. Which was hard to hear... but I have heard it so much from so many people. Multiple, real friends have told me that I don't need people like her in my life. This person has told me so many lies, stabbed me in the back, and betrayed my trust more than once. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell them to leave me alone and that they had hurt me. And that they had no right to talk about me when they don't know who I am anymore, or what is really going on in my life. The response? That I have always been self centered and that they had just been talking to my ex - the one with the brown boots - about how self centered I can be.

Which just happened to prove my point. They proved that they had been talking shit behind my back, and not only were they talking shit, but it was to someone that hasn't talked to me in a long time. Someone that I still care about and love. And it also proved that they don't know me, and that I don't need them in my life anyway.

What was the point in telling me that they had been talking to this person? To dig the knife deeper in my back. I know this person told my ex that I was pregnant. They had no right to do so. And what's even worse, is my ex hasn't asked me about it or tried to find out if I'm okay. This person was really trying to make me feel worse for not wanting them in my life, and only ever mentions talking to my ex to make me jealous or feel bad. I feel, and those that are close to me, feel that this person tells me things like this to hurt me. Seriously? Seriously.

So, I must be self centered for wanting to surround my self with good people when I need them the most. I have to be self centered because I'm looking out for the best interest of me and my unborn child. Good god... I MUST be self centered because I finally started standing up for myself.

The funny thing is, people tell me all the time I need to stop letting people walk all over me and taking advantage of me. There have been many times I have helped others, and never gotten anything in return, even when I was lending mass amounts of money and they were supposed to pay me back. I have been told over and over again, that I need to take charge and stand up for myself more. But when I do it, I'm self centered?

So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I would do anything to talk to my ex again. I still care about him, and wish he could be a part of my life. The thing that hurt the worst, was the fact that this person that was believed to be my friend, was talking shit with someone I care about very much. That's when I started crying.

It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. And maybe I do sound a little self centered when I write in my blogs... But that's the thing. They're my blogs, about my life, and what's going on with me. So of course they will sound self centered.

I'm so sick and tired of people treating others badly, of people saying things to make the other person upset. Why does anyone deserve to be treated poorly? They don't.

I wish that what other people said didn't have such a huge effect on me, and that it wouldn't make me cry. But I seriously spent over an hour crying to my mom about the way this person has treated me in the past, and about what they had just said to me... and the fact that they have the audacity to talk about me with a certain someone, knowing it will hurt me, and then telling me about it. I have no idea what the other person had to say, or what they have been saying about anything, and maybe it's better that way.

It felt so good to burn that bridge... My tears didn't stop the flames from engulfing the wood and I watched the embers burn. It was so hard to do! I have had several people telling me to do it for years, and I never had the courage to do it. But I finally did... which shows that I'm growing and changing into a more mature person. This is one of the times in my life, when I need real friends around. The kind that won't stab another person in the back for their own gain.

I'm tired of crying when I know it won't do any good. I wish I could reach out and tell this one person that I love them, and that I miss them every day. I have the Ross/Rachel syndrome.... I wish and hope that after years we will one day be together again. But nothing is how it is on TV or in the movies. There is no happily ever after.

So for now.... I will cry the tears that will inevitably fall from my eyes, weather I want them to or not. I will burn the bridges that need to be burned. And I will do my best to build up the best kind of life I can, surrounded by real people. Good people.

The important thing, is to learn from the mistakes that are made, and not dwell on them. Don't focus too much on the future, because you never know what's going to happen... Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Be strong. Survive today. Fight like hell to live through tomorrow.


Thank you for listening/reading if you have made it this far. I wish life could be peachy keen for everyone, but sadly, it isn't. To those that have been real and been there for me, thank you. And I hope I have been able to do the same. I will try to get better with talking to others, and if I don't talk to you, it doesn't mean that I hate you and want nothing to do with you. I'm simply super busy, and trying to figure my life out.

Again... thank you for everything, if you have been there for me. If you have listened. This was mostly about venting on a night when I couldn't sleep. If any of you ever need me, I hope I'm there for you like you have been for me. I'm sorry if anything I may have said has possibly offended someone. Please remember that I am venting.