what's lost is... well... lost.

So I've been working on my Florida blog, and in doing so, I've been going through pictures in my computer so I can show faces and places with everything... And I realized something.

There used to be a folder on my desktop, titled "awesome pictures" and its gone. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but it's vanished. I don't remember deleting it. I don't have any idea what happened to it. Not that it's a super big deal... most of them were pictures from my phone which are already online, but there was a folder in that folder that was titled "the ex files". Pictures I had from dating Brown Boot... And that's gone.

I'm sure he still has them all somewhere. And I know that I have a scrapbook started with some of them in it... But I know there are some in there that I may never get back. And it sucks. It is kinda funny that I called it "the ex files" and it mysteriously disappeared. Maybe I can get Mulder and Skully on the case and they can find them for me...

*X-Files theme music starts playing*

Something about the truth being out there... or something.

It really bugs me that I can't find them anywhere on my computer. Stupid technology. Stupid awesome technology. It can be awesome when we want it to me, and terribly mean when we least expect it. Sometimes.

Oh, and my connector cable for my camera is missing too, so I can't upload any pictures from my camera until I find it or get a new one.... Uber lame.

So here's the other stuff that's been going on...

Tegan is getting HUGE! She's small for her age, but very advanced. She's been pulling herself up to stand for a long time. She does it as much as she can, and crawls all over the place. She loves loves loves bath time. Every time I go into the bathroom and she sneaks in there, she goes straight over to the tub and pulls herself up so she can try to climb in... So, we just keep the door closed unless she's supposed to be in there just to be safe. It's so fun to watch her personality come out. She's a little person! And I made her.

My person gave her a Mickey for Christmas, and it's one of her favorite toys now. Every time I bring him out, she gets a big grin on her face and starts giggling, and doing the half clap thing that she always does. The other day when she went down for a nap, she had Mickey in there with her. After she cried for a minute, I went to check on her because it got really quiet... and she was passed out with him on top of her.

She's always loved her reflection, but she's finding it in new places... Like the fridge and the oven. It's so funny to watch her sit in front of the fridge and try to start eating herself... I keep trying to get pictures, but she still gets distracted every time I pull out the camera. She also talks all the time. It's the sweetest noise ever... Hearing three little words come a close second.

She's been doing so well with everything.... Sometimes it gets tough, but she's honestly an amazingly easy baby. I can't believe how big she's getting. She's up to three jars(ish) of baby food every day now, and is trying more foods... But for a little while... (I'm going to get kinda gross for a second, but other moms understand....)

Her poop got really really hard. Little, hard, black poops. She would be crawling around, playing, giggling... And then she would get into position. She'd crouch, kind of on all fours, grunt a few times, and then start screaming like it was the most painful thing ever. It was so hard for me to watch! Every time afterwards, she would come crawling over to me, tears in her eyes and still sobbing, and then I'd change her and she's get on her way. She gets over getting hurt really fast, which will hopefully stick with her for a long time.

Anyway... I think I may have fixed the problem. Too much iron. Which is funny, because I wasn't getting enough during my pregnancy. She's an iron hog.... Anyway, her cereal is iron fortified, so we stopped feeding her that and started giving her a little bit of prune and apple juice mixed together so it doesn't taste so gross, and problem is pretty much solved! We'll see if it keeps up.

Work has been amazing. I'm so happy I finally love my job! The people I work with are great. They make it so much easier to get through the night, and it makes for some entertaining conversations. The shift does get really hard sometimes... But that's how it goes with an overnight shift. I catch my second, third, and sometimes forth wind by the time that everyone is waking up, and then as soon as I can get somewhere to crash, I'm out for a couple hours. And then it's play time!

But the money should be worth it. And I get time with Tegan during the day. The people I work with are amazing. But I'm still trying to decide if nursing is what I really want to do. I love the work, and I could see myself being in a hospital for a long time, but at the same time, I know I want to be able to raise a family and live my own life... And if I get too involved with working in a hospital, or try to do the nursing manager thing, then my life would be the hospital's and not my own.

I'm a woman that would stand behind her man with anything... If it was right. The main reason I'm working on my career is so I can better myself and make the best of my life while it's just me an Tegan. Because what if someone doesn't come a long? I'm not saying that once I finally trick someone into being with me, I'll stop working by any means... I just think it would be good to be able to support myself, and be able to help with finances, and whatever else. If that ever happens. I'm very skeptical right now.

Ha ha, oh goodness... you know how I titled one of my more recent blogs, "something about ducks in a row"? Awesome story.... I had a patient that wasn't really with it, and he kept telling me I needed to find twenty ducks because someone had stolen them. From a boat. Somewhere. Because hospitals have boats, right?

I'm meeting someone, possibly tomorrow.... Not really going to give details, but I'll let you know how it goes when it's over... As for now, I'm super sleepy, and it's time for bed.

I'm starting to become less dark and twisty...

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together." - Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

I realize that the last blog I posted on here was a little negative... So I'm going to fix that.

My life is moving in a positive direction. Yeah, it may be slower than I would like, but at least I feel like I'm going somewhere instead of just feeling stuck like I did while I was in Florida. I'm finally moving in the direction of some kind of career, and even though sometimes I get lonely, I'm happy being single and getting comfortable in my own skin and my ever changing body.

Being pregnant doesn't scare me anymore. I heard the heartbeat of this victim of circumstance at my last doctors visit and realized that there must be a reason that this happened. There is a human being growing inside of me... Something that is part me, and part of someone I once loved, is preparing itself to come into the cruel world, and I'm going to do the best I can and be the strongest person that I know I can be to give this child the best life it can possibly have. I will love it like any other mother has loved a child. And for once, love will never go away.

Despite rumors, I didn't leave Florida because I was pregnant. I had booked the ticket two weeks before I found out that I was, and knew that I still needed to go home. I knew the life I wanted was not with the one that I was with at the time, or in the place I was at. I still love seashells and palm trees and the ocean... But I needed mountains, snow and family.

I realized that the only reason I was staying was for someone else... Someone that I still don't see a future with even though I am carrying his child. I still care about this person very much, but I know that they are not the one for me... Hopefully I will find the kind of love that I once had. True love that makes your heart skip a beat when you think about them even after being with them for years, and where you know with out a doubt that you are meant to share a happily ever after with them. The kind of love where you do stupid things and the other person doesn't care. The kind where you know you can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

"I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - yeah, it's another Grey's reference... Shut up. That's the kind of love I want. And one day I can have it again.

I've had it once, and once you know that feeling, and you know the difference between making love and just having sex, there isn't anything else like it. In a way you feel empty without it, but once you know that kind of feeling, that kind of love, it's better to not have anything than try to pretend the feeling is there.

Yeah, my living situation now isn't all that great. After living on my own for three years, it's not fun to go back to living with a parent, especially one that doesn't approve of the life you've been living and is trying to convince you that they are fighting a battle against Satan for your soul. One day, everyone will be able to accept other peoples differences and the world will be at peace... maybe. It just sucks that it's this close to home.

Some days are better than others, but honestly, considering my circumstance, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I'm taking classes to start a career as a nursing assistant, and will hopefully continue on to become a full blown nurse. I have a roof over my head, and a full fridge and pantry. I have friends that have been with me through everything, and a family that is being a lot more understanding that I ever thought they would be. And most of all, I have taken all the experiences I have had in my life, and learned from them. Bitter feelings against other people that have hurt me and walked all over me in the past are gone, and instead of being angry, I have taken into consideration the place that those experiences have taken me and the lessons I have learned. I've picked the weeds and kept the flowers, if you will. Of course I'm not going to be as trusting of everyone as I once was... every thing that has happened to me so far has made me stronger and is going to effect the decisions I make every day for the rest of my life.

It may take years to realize who I really am and come to self actualization, and it may never happen at all. But for once in my life, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I feel like everything is going to be okay. And I didn't need anyone else to tell me. I came to the conclusion by myself, which is a mighty achievement.

This goes out to everyone... The people I will meet, the people I will never meet, the ones I have loved and lost, the ones who have ripped out my heart, the ones who have walked all over me, the ones who were rooting for me all along, and the ones that doubted me and said I could never make it. The fighters, the lovers, the friends, the enemies, the family, the people who I have lost contact with over the years... anyone who I have had the pleasure to meet or even just receive a simple smile from. The one I have shared life's most intimate moments, and shared my heart with...

... Thank you. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. If it wasn't for you and the footprints you left on the beach that is my life, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have made the decisions that lead me here, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. Thank you for making me keep breathing, smiling, loving, thinking, and surviving.

I wouldn't be me with out you.