the most wonderful time of the year

YAY! Christmas time! There is snow outside. It's freezing cold. Winter freaking wonderland!

Um... Update. I'm sick. Again. So my head is super foggy. I ask you forgiveness as I attempt to post more than once every couple months. But I have time to do it now. Kind of. So, I was sick for about three weeks (starting the new job and ending the old one very very very stuffy) and I got better for two days! Yay! Two days! And then I got sick again.

Buggar. (yes... you may pretend I said that in my best British.)

The new job has been wonderful so far. The people are great, and the kids are hilarious. I know this is what I'm supposed to do now. It gets me so excited just thinking about it. A couple quotes from the kids:

Student: "We're running to California!"
Me: "Are we there yet?!"
Student: "No! We're in New Mexico!"
Me: "What about now?"
Student: "Now we're in Texas!"

Student to other student at lunch time: "No one's going to like you if you don't eat your broccoli."

Teacher: "I laughed so hard I tooted! Maybe I shouldn't have thought that outloud..."

happy times!

McArmy and I are still going strong with whatever we are doing. The holidays are kind of hard alone. Anyone in their right mind gets lonely if they are "single" on the holidays. There's something in the frigid air that makes couples want to cuddle closer and snuggle up next to a warm fire. Maybe it's the mistletoe? Maybe it's all the diamonds being flashed around for guys to buy their ladies? There's any number of things that give off the idea that holidays are for lovers and families, and although I have both (kind of) it still feels like something is missing even though he wasn't there in the first place. But I'm still... Content? The whole thing is still crazy to me. I'm head over heels for someone that I've never been on a date with, but I'm content with where things are at because I know it is better this way.

That being said...

It seems like I've been getting asked relationship advice lately which I find kind of humorous. I'm probably the person you should go to for all the "what not to do's". Maybe until now.

I will tell you this... No matter where you are at with your relationship status, how old you are or what you want out of life, you are never going to be happy unless you are first and foremost happy with yourself and your own life. Seriously. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be happy alone before I could honestly be happy in a relationship and that I hadn't really been happy in a relationship for a long time and when I was happy, it wasn't healthy. I am a firm believer in planning for the worst case scenario in the most optimistic way possible. I don't want to rely on someone else and have them not be there for whatever reason.

I want to be happy.

I may have mentioned this before, but both of my Grandfathers passed away years ago and both of my Grandmothers are still alive and happy (and healthy considering they are both 93 years old.) Of course they were sad when their life partners in crime and love passed on, but they found a way to keep going. And it inspired me. It made me realize that even when you have the love of your life by your side, there will be a time when one of you won't be there for whatever reason - death, business trip, vacation, medical/family emergency... whatever the reason is, your happiness should never rely on the soul existence of another human being.

I know it sounds terrible. But I'm really hoping that you take it how I mean it.

The best relationship advice I can give to anyone? Figure out who you are and be happy with that person you see in the mirror before you even try to be happy with someone else. Because accepting that person you see in the mirror, all the faults and flaws, becoming okay with the internal and external reflection will bring real happiness that you will never find inside someone else.

*Phew*

A little more about McArmy

I obviously don't want to give too much away. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to wake up and realize that it's all just a dream or another Nicholas Sparks book/movie.

I'm pretty sure he does exist. I mean, I have met him a few times over the years. He's the childhood friend of my childhood friend's husband. And he makes my heart melt.

We already know we're done for and we haven't even been on a date. Something was always holding us back, whether it be a friend looking out for our best interest or another relationship or whatever. Maybe the tiny fact that I now live in Utah had something to do with it. But finally we started talking. And finally things started falling into place. We want the same things and think about the same things. It's all right there, waiting for us whenever we're ready. We want to live in the same place. We talk about the same house. We have passions for similar things.... and best of all we have the same weird twisted sense of humor.

What's the catch?

Just a tiny one. You know... the ARMY.

No big deal, right? He can't tell me much about whatever it is he's doing. He's currently overseas (maybe? he can't tell me where he is) so all I have are the phone calls and emails. I can't call him, so I have to wait for some kind of contact from him. If I don't answer, I get to listen to a voicemail. But lately when we talk, it's like he's so far away. The signal cuts out and I can hear an echo. He just... Seems so close yet so far.

There are periods of time when I will hear from him multiple times a week, but when I don't hear from him for a few days I have to convince myself that he's just busy with work. Because he is. And I have to tell myself that he will call me soon, that somehow I will hear from him. And I always do. When I start to worry that something has happened to him, I always hear from him within hours. Sometimes he calls me just to tell me that he's okay and that he's thinking about me. And it helps.

He has a couple more years left of this top secret ARMY stuff, and I don't want to wait that long before I can actually be with him. It's driving me crazy. And I honestly don't think he wants to wait that long either. We're both getting impatient.

But it's hard to say you're dating someone you haven't been on a date with. We don't really know what to call this "whatever it is that we're doing" thing. But it seems totally crazy because we're both okay with it. We're both totally comfortable with it. I can't wait to know what it's like to hold him instead of a pillow.

We make plans... Plans with ferry boats and islands and beach houses and living next to our friends in West Linn. Plans involving bonfires and hiking. Plans involving meeting my family. Plans that seem to be taking the span of a lifetime.

It's funny how all the other relationships and flings I have had until now have prepared me for this. The random departures of Brown Boot from my life that left me feeling empty made me realize that I had to be happy on my own before I was happy with someone else, because someone else won't be there all the time. All the dates I went on where the conversation was nonexistent made me realize that I needed someone I could talk to. All the guys that talked about forever and had no follow through. Every guy that made false promises. The guys that made no effort to keep me. The guys that lied to me. It is all leading up to something bigger and making me realize that I deserve more.

And that more will be just around the corner.

I will be very clear that he told me not to wait for him. And technically, I'm not. No one else has asked me out. No one else has made the effort and there a ton of guys right around here that could if they wanted to.

It's funny that he's forever away and he's making more effort than any guy that said they were committed to me. Hum...

Okay. Done for now.

NO WAIT!

NEW JOB! It's awesome. I literally get to play with little kids and teach them all day. We read stories, we eat lunch, we run around and fight dragons and monsters.... It is so rewarding. They warm up to me so fast, and I feel like I'm making a bunch of tiny friends every day.

Okay, now I'm done. :)

She CAN speak whale!!

Tegan has recently been obsessed with watching Finding Nemo.

Over. And over. And over. And over. Sometimes we can switch it up and watch another movie here and there, but she seems to be just as obsessed with the ocean as I am. And I love this child.

Anyway, she was rolling around and playing on the ground... jumping (which is another recent obsession) and playing with her blocks. I had tuned out of her frequency so I could focus on the 6 one page papers I have to write by the end of today and I heard her making a very strange noise.

MMMMMUUUOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!


MMUUOOAAAOOUUUUU!

I looked at her with a furrowed brow, trying to figure out what on earth she was doing, and she of course was paying no attention to me. Then I heard the same noise coming from Dory in Finding Nemo.

That's right.

My brilliant daughter can now speak fluent whale, thanks to Ellen Degeneres.

This child makes my heart melt.

'tis the season...

Well hello again!

It's been a long time... and a lot has changed and happened. And I need to blog more often to avoid using that phrase at the beginning of each post.

For starters, I don't work at the hospital anymore! It's totally bitter sweet. I'm not really sure what I'll do without that place, and to be perfectly honest the thought terrifies me. I am really going to miss all the people there... And I will actually miss all the work that I had to do. I'll miss the patients... I'll miss seeing all the gross awesome medical stuff that I thought was only in TV shows... But a new very very big happy door has opened up for me and it's time I take a big step over the threshold...

I am the new assistant teacher at a preschool down the street. And I couldn't be more excited about it. I don't start until next Wednesday which gives me time to catch up on all my school stuff and wrap up my semester. And I have officially decided to go into Early Childhood Education. I was so nervous! I still am! But this is a good change for me... It's about time.

I think the night of the blizzard sealed the deal for me. I messed up my car (this was the day before Thanksgiving and I still don't have my car) and I ended up having to stay the night at Tegan's daycare. It was one of the best worst things to ever happen to Tegan and I. We stayed up all night with some of the staff playing card games and eating junk food and talking girl talk. It was so fun! I got to stay in her class the next morning while I waited for insurance whatever to go through so I could figure out where to go or what to do. And I got to play with all the kids. I got to help the teachers while I waited and it made me excited to jump into it all. I feel confident that I can do this. I can't wait to get started!

Tegan is getting huge... She's really growing up and actually starting to say things that make sense... She loves watching movies and we're trying to get her away from the TV. Another big thing is stacking blocks and playing with puzzles. I can see the wheels in her head turning. She is so insanely smart. It is kinda scary. I hope I can keep up with her! She is kind of a dare devil though... She bit her cheek twice. Today. Ouch...

In other news.... I like the idea of moving to Oregon one day. One day soon. As soon as I can. I miss it like crazy and there are a million things pulling me that direction... One of them being a certain man whom I will write about in good time. I don't want to say anything yet, because the whole thing is just crazy and sounds too much like a fairy tale. And I really want this one to have a happy ending. I may have fallen head over Toms for this one. This could be it. And he knows it too.

But the whole idea of us is just crazy. Nuts. We need to go on a date before we decide anything and there is a lot more that we need to talk about that we can't talk about right now.

Now you're thinking, WHAT?! THEY HAVEN'T EVEN GONE ONE A DATE?! No. We haven't. He lives very far away but we have talked for hours on the phone and we have met several times. Something just always held us back before so we couldn't dive in. And we still can't really dive in. But we talk about things... Lots of things. And that's all I'm going to say.

Because the whole thing is just crazy.

Did I mention it's crazy? Because it is. Very crazy.

I may have found my modern day fairy tale.

What else....

Christmas tree is up! I got a super cheap one and my dad gave me some ornaments that my mom had left behind and the tree actually looks amazing. I am very proud of it. Tegan and I may not have a very big Christmas. She's little enough that she won't really know the difference. As long as I can find one gift and something to fill the stockings, I'm sure it will be okay. The holidays stress me out. I want to start all these traditions with her, but I don't even know where to begin. If I try to start now, I can keep up with it when she's older....

What I would really like to do is donate to someone that needs it. And then I realize that I don't even have anything for me, let alone something to give to someone else.

I think we'll just make gifts this year.... And eat. A lot. I've been single about this time every year. And if I haven't been single, I've been away from whoever it was that I was supposed to be with. I've never really had a long romantic walk in the snow, looking at Christmas lights hand in hand with a sweet young man. I've never been kissed under the mistletoe. I've never had an actual holiday season with a lover and I'm dying to know what it's like. One day...

Maybe a little further into the fairy tale.

It's been a while...

I wish I could recap all the things that have happened since my last post, but life moves so fast sometimes and things get missed...

School is awesome. I'm loving my students that I work with about once a week. It makes me really want to do teaching... but massage therapy is in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's the stone therapy, essential oils, or fancy lotions that draw me in.... But time will tell. I do love the idea of influencing young minds though... Tempting... mold them into what I want like a delectable jello? Mmmm.... k.

In other news... Work has been sparatic. Some days are fast, and some are slow... but there are moments that remind me why I'm there and why it isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. A patient can go down for a simple procedure and not come back. Other patients go home knowing they don't have much time. Others walk out of there better than they walked in... One thing that is drilled into my head is that life is short. Every day, I am reminded that life is too short to worry about every little thing that could go wrong... It's too short to worry about what could or could not happen. Life is there to be lived.

Hope for the best, embrace the unknown, go along for the journey....

The love life is kind of a mess right now. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it until it all gets worked out. I will say that Brown Boot walked into my life for a brief moment, and then walked back out like he always does. A simple kiss drew me in again, and then I was pushed away yet again... Like he is trying to keep me dangling right where he can reach me in case he decides he wants to be with me. I offered many things, and it seems like he isn't going to take any of them. He dated someone else after I put myself out there, yet again.

But you know what? I'm not sure if it's from that happening to me so many times with so many other guys - the whole being second choice thing - but I wasn't hurt by it. Maybe he had done it to me so many times. I'm not something that can be tucked away on a shelf. I'm not a jar of strawberry preserves. You can't just stick me on a shelf for years and expect me to be just how you remember. I won't always be there. Someone else will find me and realize that I am delicious, and something that should be enjoyed... Not hidden away. I'm not going to be waiting for you to come and get me whenever you are ready. That's not fair to me. I would much rather be living my life, not waiting around for someone to pull me back in like a damn yo yo.

I'd rather be strawberry wine than strawberry preserves....

When I put myself out there, and you say, "sure, I'll take you on a date! That would be wonderful!"

or maybe you said, "I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for you still... let's take this one day at a time..."

And then not a damn thing happens? SERIOUSLY?! I'm done with guys being all talk. You have to do something about it. You can talk about rainbow farting unicorns that eat a particular kind of string cheese, and I won't believe you until I see a unicorn. Or that particular string cheese. A little more action PLEASE!

I'm tired of guys talking my ear off about what I deserve... I like making plans and talking about places we will go, and actually believing that I will one day go to these places. It gets tiring. I gave him another chance. I put myself out there again. And it went no where.

It's a good thing. From what I can tell, I'm a totally different person than he ever knew. And he is still the same.

Um... But there is someone in my life now. He wears a different kind of shoe. And I know I just went on a rant about guys being all talk, but that's all I really can do with this guy right now. And now that just got taken away. Kind of.

I know none of that made any sense. I know I just kind of contradicted myself there... But it's hard to explain. I have a feeling that we will actually do these things he talks about all the time. I have a feeling. He's my whatever. And I'm his whatever. And I'm not even sure what kind of whatever he is. I do know this... before he left, we talked for hours every night. Tonight will be the first night we haven't talked or had any kind of contact for two months. Sidebar - no physical contact with this person whatsoever. We've met. We've seen each other face to face. We've even talked in person. But never touched. But we talked for hours every night before we went to bed and it was never weird. It was like we had been doing it for years.

But every night before I would go to bed, he would tell me that he hoped he could feel me holding him as I fell asleep. He would wish me sweet dreams and tell me to take care of myself.

I've never missed someone so much, and not actually known what it was like to be next to them. But I can feel him there. He promised me that I would never be alone because he is always with me... And chances are, I won't see him until this spring....

Here's to hoping spring is full of ferry boats... Starbucks, fruit, and muffins in bed... Beach houses.... And a certain someone's arms wrapped around me.

I'll just pretend to hold him until he gets here.

I < 3 Oregon

I got home from home today. It was so insanely difficult to leave, but my nonrefundable ticket kind of made me decide that I needed to come back.

I can't begin to express how much I miss it over there... When I put the stroller back in the car, sand spilled out everywhere. It didn't upset me. It made me homesick, and I hadn't even been off Oregon soil for 3 hours.

Cannon beach was amazing! The drive over there was beautiful. It was so green and fresh. I swear, every five minutes I would take a deep breath in and exhale, saying "I love this place."

I'm sure my friend got sick of hearing it, but I never got sick of feeling it or saying it. I never realized how gross and brown Utah is. The mountains are beautiful, but they don't seem to compare to the bridges, water, and trees that surround everywhere you go in Oregon.

The beach was amazing. It was cold. The air was full of mist, which only got stronger when you got closer to the beach. It made your skin tingle. It wasn't raining... It was mist. And I loved it. I loved the smell. I loved the freezing water. I loved the sand between my toes.

Tegan loved running around in the water. She loved every bit of the ocean experience. She had sand all over her hands and face, and refused to let me put food in her mouth. She had to grab it with her sandy little hands and shoving it in her mouth herself... covered in gritty dirty sand. It didn't seem to make any difference. She dove into the water (on accident) and loved it, until she turned into an ice cube.

I can't express how much those couple hours meant to me. I need more beach in my life. Not just any beach. Oregon beach.

That wasn't all I did up there.... My best friend is having a freaking baby! I know it shouldn't seem weird because I already have one... but it just makes me think of how far we've come even in the past couple years. I was in the house we used to play in. In the yard we got dirty in. Riding around places we used to play. It's so different, and still the same.

A baby. Chelsea is having a baby! A bouncing baby boy! We were kids and now we're having kids.

When I move, I am going to move here. This place. This place that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. I want more. I want more of the people and the energy that I get from there.

Um... I'll post more later... it's been a long day... :)

going back in time...

This is a post I found from two years ago this month... The first post on this blog.

Enjoy....

here i am...

It's been a long time since I have felt free enough to start putting my thoughts down into an actual visual format. And man, writing that first sentence felt amazing.

Here I am. Back in Utah. And I think about my life up to this point, and can't believe what got me here. I have fallen in love, fallen in love again, and possibly again, and then fallen out of it. I've been cheated on, mislead, underestimated, betrayed, hurt on purpose (and possibly on accident), backstabbed, thrown under the bus, and even left for dead. My life has been turned upside down so many times, I'm not sure what side is up anymore. But here I am. And I'm still breathing. You know why I'm here? Because I was loved back. Because someone in my life helped to lift me up. Because other people keep believing in me, loving me, and keep reminding me to breathe. I know life is worth it.

Recently something happened that made me realize how much of a miracle life really is. I'm pregnant. It's weird to see it, and even weirder to say it. Usually when it comes out of my mouth, it feels like I'm screaming it so everyone can hear. And I'm forcing myself to believe that I'm okay with it. To believe everything will be okay weather it is or not.

Last Thursday, I got my baby's first picture. I saw my baby's heart beat for the first time. I didn't believe that I was pregnant, even though there were three pregnancy tests and a doctor sitting in front of me saying that I was DEFFINATELY pregnant. Dr. Aagard put that warm jelly on my belly, and started giving me the ultrasound. I couldn't really see what anything was. There was grey blobs, and white blobs, and one really big black one. And then I saw the flutter. No one needed to tell me what that black and white flutter was. I knew right away that it was my baby's heart, still growing and changing, until he/she would turn into one or the other. And that heart would be beating for the rest of this life form's life. I saw that heartbeat, and I finally started to settle down. The miracle of life was starting to grow inside my belly. And I want to do whatever it takes to keep it.

There are so many people riding for my cause, and I'm happy that I have some hands holding me up and believing in me. Of course there are people that believe that I should not keep it... mainly the father. He can't afford child support, and doesn't want to have another child that he has no connection with, or so he says. But he also says that I'm not responsible enough or ready to have a baby. That's why I have the next 7ish months to prepare! You can never be fully ready to have a baby. But I'm going to have to try my best. The fact that he says these things, just proves that he doesn't even know who I am. I will not be underestimated again.

There were a lot of fights with my mom. At first she was okay and willing to help me, and once I moved back into her house, (I know... not fun...) she decided to go crazy and start freaking out that I had sex in the first place to get pregnant without a husband. And then went off about me not having any morals or standards. Every time I tried to stop the argument, she brought up more things. More mistakes. They aren't even mistakes, they were just things that happened that with the LDS upbringing were not approved of.

I'm making this clear. I have no regrets. Things that have happened in the past are learning experiences, and if you don't learn you can never grow. You can never live your life fully if you stay under a rock and never come up for fresh air. You have to spread your wings and fly as close to the sun as possible, without melting whatever sticky substance you used to create those wings. And it takes practice. I fell a lot, but I'm still getting up and preparing my wings for the next battle I have against the elements. And each time, I learn something new to put towards the next time. Life experience is the best way to learn about yourself. And I fully believe that you should keep on trying. Keep living. Keep breathing. Because whatever is at the end of the road isn't worth it unless you really try.

Ha ha, uber-preachy. Ah, I'm out of time. But tune in next time, where I will start to go into some detail about my adventures in Florida and what led me there.... and back. Ha.
Thank you for reading. ♥

Home is where your heart is....

For those of you who don't know me very well, I haven't lived in Utah all my life. In fact, about half of the years I have spent on this planet have been in Utah, and the other half was spent where my heart always has been. The west coast.

Oregon.

That is where I sit at this current moment. I feel... Nostalgia. An overwhelming calm. I can't get over how much I love this place... Everything about it.

This is where I grew up. This is where I learned how to ride a bike, how to spit, how to play in the mud and get dirty... Where it was okay to come in from playing outside, covered in mud and dirt. It meant you had fun.

This is where my love for the ocean and anything outdoors developed.

It was here I realized all the good in people, before I learned how much bad really existed.

Some say, once you leave home, you can never return again. But here is what I say. Home is where your heart is. It may not be an actual house or location, but a general area. It is here that I breathe deeper. I smell the rain in the air and the rich soil, the green in the trees. Green is EVERYWHERE! And I don't want it any other way. It's been warm, but not so scorching hot that you can't get outside and still play. I love it.

I love this place. I keep telling my childhood friend that I love it, and that I feel like a fool for saying it so much, but I LOVE this place. Did I mention that I love it here? Love love love love love love it here.

I have had it in my head that I wanted to come here to have a family. This is where I want my daughter to grow up. The knowledge I gained here does not compare to what I have seen in Utah. The quality of life and education here seems better.

I can't explain it. It's just different here.

I can give you a million different reasons for me to move here. The list gets longer and longer the longer I stay. There is something in the air, something in the water.... Something.

I love it here. I can breathe deeper, and I am constantly smiling.

But what happens when I go back to Utah? Will I snap back to reality and realize that Oregon isn't the place for me?

For the longest time, I have wanted to move back to this place. I walked around places that I used to play... Earlier today, I was at a baby shower for my best friend in the house we grew up in.... I stood in the backyard that seemed so large to me at the time, and realized how small it was. The treehouse is still tucked away in the branches of that large tree in the backyard, but the swing that I broke is still balled up at the base. Some of the rooms in the house had changed, but it was still the same... the feelings were still the same.

So when will I realize that this really isn't where I want to be? Or is it where I should be? What keeps pulling me back here?

No sales tax?
The air?
Good friends and quality people?
Abundance of water?
All the green?
Memories?

Nostalgia?

I guess we'll find out what happens when I get back to Utah.

No matter what, home will always be where the heart is.... And my heart is drawn here.

Maybe my knight in shining whatever is waiting over here... With the house and the yard and the dog and the white picket whatever. Only time will tell, dear friend.... Only time will tell.

Love or insanity?

I had a patient yesterday that made my day hell. I got behind on everything, because over three hours of my day were spent trying to calm her down... Walking with her in the hallways, talking to her in her room, trying to talk to her husband... It was a bad day. She definitely was not herself.

I had taken care of said woman a day before, and while I knew she wasn't really with it, she was pleasant. She smiled all day, and the only way I could get out of her room was to literally walk out in the middle of the conversation, because this lady would not shut up. She remembered where she was, and seemed to understand what was going on. But, yesterday...

Yesterday was a totally different story. She was yelling at everyone. She hated me. Within 30 seconds, in what could have been a short walk from the bathroom to her chair, she changed. She didn't recognize the hospital room. She went from this sweet little lady, to someone I had never met before. She kept going back to her sorority house days. She thought I was treating her so terribly, because I wasn't letting her leave. But she couldn't leave. Medically, she had to stay where she was, because within 30 seconds, she went totally insane. She was not capable of making the decisions she wanted to make. And she was a woman that liked to be in control.

Then her husband and his neighbor came and gave her a blessing, which seemed to make things worse. Next thing I knew, she was out in the hallway. And she was yelling louder and calling everyone names.

I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

Hours later her husband came back, and it seemed to make things even worse. She was hitting him with her walker, angry because he wasn't going to take her home. He kept trying to use a calm voice, kept telling her that he loves her and that's why she's here. I can't tell you how many times he told her he loved her. She sat there quietly for a while, and finally turned to him with a hateful look...

After accusing him of some terrible things that would make ME cry, she said....

"How DARE you talk to me that way! I HATE YOU! I DO NOT LOVE YOU!"

Could you imagine living with that? With constant emotional abuse? Would it be total insanity, or is it actual love? Is it weakness? Or strength? How strong would you have to be to put up with something like that, to keep telling yourself that they don't mean it, they aren't themselves...

I haven't been able to decide what it is that made him stay... Is it really love? True love? Or is it pure insanity? Is he used to that emotional abuse from before? I don't know...

If you can't find someone that you love more than anything, someone you would stay by through coma, cancer, or psychosis... Maybe they're worth sticking by.

Keep telling them you love them, even if they yell at you.

Keep telling them you love them, even if you think they can't hear you.

Keep telling them you love them, even when they're gone.

Skin Deep...

Since I started using that magic soap, which is working wonderfully by the way, I realized that there were a lot of makeup products I don't use half as often as I thought. I took a good look at them today... I'm talking, a very good look... A lot of them had a layer of dust on them because I haven't used them in so long.

Gross, I know. But I realized all the different chemicals I was putting in my hair and on my skin ended up drying them out, and in turn, I was using more products to rehydrate it all. I cleared that cubby and cleared out the area behind my mirror... Holy wow. I feel so much better having all of it cleared out of the way. Less cluttered... I haven't thrown it all out, and I may end up doing that soon. But I've decided to test all of these new theories out before I chuck all the old stuff, just in case I realize I like the other way I did things better.

Now, all this crazy organic stuff I've been finding isn't very expensive. Some people automatically relate organic items as being more expensive, but that isn't always the case. A bottle of the castile soap that I got forever ago runs around $10-$15, depending on brand and where you buy it. I just saw it on sale at Smith's! And it lasts FOREVER. A little bit really does go a long way with this stuff. I've also been doing some research on different toothpastes and deodorant to actually see what's in what I've been using, and to see if it really would make any difference to switch... I'll post my findings when I figure out what they are.

Right, call me a hippie, again. I'm just trying to see if it makes any sense. I have this thing with not saying I don't like something until I've tried it. For example, Tegan's dad played World of Warcraft constantly, and I already knew I didn't like it because of what it did to him and how I saw how everyone else got when they played it. But, I tried it anyway just to see what all the hype was about. And now I can actually say, "That game sucks. You run around and kill the same things over and over again... Not worth losing sleep over." (Or social life, friends, relationships, and physical fitness....)

This try-everything-once rule doesn't always work with everything. Food, yes. Clothes, yes. Drugs, NO. Just clarifying. :)

I can now lead into something else that I've been thinking about....

Dresses.

Not just dresses, but how they relate to dating and trying new things.

There was this day that I went to try on dresses with some friends at Macy's. Once upon a time. In Florida. It started out simple enough, just trying them on for fun. Not like any of us would have the money to buy any of them. It eventually turned into a game of trying on the most hideous dresses... Kind of. They kept picking out dresses that looked terrible on the hanger, and I mean, make you want to throw up terrible, and they handed them to me to try on.

How the hell does it relate to dating? It's simple, really. I tried on dresses I would never have worn normally. And liked them. Back in the day, I decided to date a lot of different kinds of guys so I could actually see what I liked and what I didn't like... and a lot of the time, I was pleasantly surprised. Even if it was just a date here and there, it really helped me gain some perspective. I looked past physical appearance, and realized that they were beautiful inside and caught my attention. Something that looked good, could actually be cheap and hallow on the inside (which is actually what a found a majority of the time... yuck.)

So, the story with the dresses.... The last dress I tried on was over $300. No way was I ever going to buy it. I am not one to spend that much money on one article of clothing. But it was beautiful, and gold, and it fit me like a glove. I loved the way it fit me! But, of course, I couldn't afford it and if I did buy it, when on earth would I wear it? We did our runway show, and I went to take it off.

And the zipper would not budge.

I was mortified. It wasn't because I was too fat, because I wasn't. The zipper was just stuck on something. I was there with three other girls and they all made attempts to pull the dress down and up and in all kinds of directions, and it would not move. I put on some pants to try and cover up a little bit, and they all tried to lift the dress up over my head together! Isn't that an amazing mental picture? Three girls trying to lift a dress up over another girl's head? They were literally pulling me up so my feet were dangling.

The damn thing would not come off. It was the worst relationship with an article clothing I have ever had. The dressing room attendant had to actually come over and rip it off me.... Two hands on the back, one on each side of the zipper, and she pulled...

*RRRIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP*

Another employee came in to see the scene... So I had five people in there with me when this dress was torn off my body. It was the worst shopping experience I have ever had. The worst relationship with a dress I have ever witnessed.

Mortified. It reminded me of the worst relationship I have ever had. And that didn't end so pretty either.

(Sidebar: I didn't have to pay for the dress, because they determined it was the zipper that was the problem and it would have happened to someone at some point anyway...)

Looking back on it now, I laugh, but at the time it was terrible. And that seems to happen with a lot of things in my life. Terrible things happened, and I can actually look back on it all and laugh...

SO... Try a million different kinds of dresses and find out what you like and what you need... try it, even if it seems out of your league, even if it it hideous and something you wouldn't consider in your lifetime. And if it isn't going to work out and you can't get rid of a particular dress, someone can always come and rip it off... in a very not dirty way. Get your mind out of the gutter.... :)

Hopefully it will lead to the most beautiful dress you will ever wear.

obsessions of an 18 month old...

Tegan had definitely developed her own personality... and some interesting habits and obsessions. Here is the first of what I'm sure will be a very long list...

• Pooh Bear stuffed animal
• Monkey Blanket
• One bottle in particular
• dancing
• Any kind of music she can dance to
• chocolate
• anything mom is eating
• crayons (for eating and coloring...)
• cell phones - usually used for calling and texting imaginary friends. Or China
  
• the vacuum cleaner
• DVD cases
• Who's Hatching - a wonderful slide and surprise book that mommy has to read at least 20 times before another book is read
• fish
• stacking and organizing
• shoes
• kissing anyone that will let her
• "cutting" mom's nails
  

Here is another list of words commonly said around the house...

• Hi!
• Hey!
• Bye!
• Woofsaysthedoggie
• Ello?
• Shoe? Shoe? Shoe? Shoe? Shoe?
• cheese!
• Uh oh....
• SHOE
• Mom
• Mommy
• SHOE
• Baba?
• Pooh!
• Woof!
• *panting like a puppy*
• SHOE!
• whatsthat?
• Yay!
• baby
• shoe...

More to come soon, I'm sure... This girl is growing way too fast

Call me a hippie.

Ha ha ha ha.

No really.


I found this amazing soap... actually, I've had it for a while. Since my baby shower. My amazing sister, Chan, gave it to me for one of my shower gifts, and at first I was like, okay whatever... Soap for baby.

No. This soap is for EVERYTHING. Shower, cleaning, dishes, laundry, BRUSHING YOUR TEETH! The bottle even claims 18 uses, and people have reported more. One freaking product.

I had just been using it for Tegan at bath time, and then I realized something... It's not baby soap. It's baby mild soap... with out fragrances. Organic. Fair trade. Fair trade SOAP!? No, you do not put this in your coffee maker and drink it... It is just that amazing.

What is this soap you ask?

Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap

It is magic. I highly recommend using it.

For a couple weeks now, my scalp has been getting itchy, I've been getting ingrown hairs on my legs, and my skin has just felt very sensitive. So I decided to give it a shot.

Oh my amazing. I have never felt so clean and fresh. My head feels great! I'm not scratching it every five minutes. My hair feels so thick and full... I love it. My skin even tingles.

I did have to use some of my other products still... but I did eliminate a majority of what I normally use in the shower. All I used was this amazing Magic Soap and conditioner. And some shine spray after my hair was dry.

I'm going to use this stuff for a week and see if it really helps anything, or if I'm just being crazy... then I'll decide where to go from there. But I really think I will invest in more of this stuff when I have more fundage... and they have more products that I feel good about using! And now that I said that, I feel like a total hippie... The even have something that the claim will be amazing for tattoos. And it's not very expensive...

There seems to be an obsession with looking beautiful and what products you can buy for your self. Selfishness. I go through phases when I get very focused on how I look, and I really do want to do my best to look amazing... But I realized something... I can do it and do it a good way.

I can make it good for the environment. I can buy a pair of shoes from a company that donates a pair of shoes to someone who doesn't have them. Brand new shoes for someone in need... I like the feeling. I'll put things in my body that aren't chemically processed, and I'll eat from places that you can actually sit down and relax in, instead of just a drive through. I'm being good to myself and good to my body. And the planet.

I'm not going to look down on anyone that doesn't do what I do. It's your choice, it really is. If you decide to get your hair did, more power to you. If you decide to be a vegan (which I honestly think I could never do...) more power to you. We're all different and we all believe in different things.

So call me a hippie.

Maybe I just need to move back to Oregon... ha ha ha the thought has been crossing my mind a lot lately. :)

More feelings and thoughts and whatever...

I keep getting this feeling all day... It's weird. I think I've explained this feeling, and I'm hoping it's not a medical condition... If it is, please don't give me drugs for it because I actually kind of like it.

Let me set the stage. There is a song, Use Somebody by the Kings of Leon. Ever since I first heard this song, I knew that when I found that someone, my internal iPod would shuffle to this song whenever said person crossed my mind. Now, I'm not certain that I have found that person and it is very difficult to say if I have or not. But I had a moment today.

Just a simple moment.

It lasted what could have been less than a minute, but felt like it was going to go on forever.

I smelled rain, so I went over to the tele tech window to look outside and inhaled, deep and long. And that song came on the radio. My phone vibrated, and it was a message from possible said person. It all fit together so well.

I'm not really sure what to make of it. I've never wanted to be that crazy girl, because, let's face it kids, I was her once. And I never want to be her again. You hear me?! Ever again! It sucked, big time. I think about the mistakes I made and how irrational high school love and other relationships made me, and it's a damn good thing I learned from it all.

Anyway. I never want to be that girl. That girl that is constantly wanting to hear from said boy, asking where he is, what he is doing, and what he is thinking about. If you want to tell me something, tell me. No games. I don't play those anymore. Unless it's something like volleyball or soccer. That is a game I will play. But no head games. For the love of everything holy! No more head games! They mess with emotions and feelings and make one all kinds of cloudy, with torrents of tears streaming from someone's eyes. I'm done with those games.

In an effort to not be the crazy one, I don't make as much contact with this person as I have made with other guys I have dated... Mostly because those guys have made more contact with me... Recently, they have been the ones being crazy... with the overly obsessive messages, constantly wondering where I am and what I'm doing and what I'm thinking. A girl just needs some balance.

Balance? Please? I could find a picture to demonstrate what I'm trying to get at here, but quite frankly, I think you know what I mean. Can you read? Good. Because that means you understand what I'm saying. If you can't read, what the hell are you doing trying to follow the random text flowing across the screen?

That's what I thought.

Balance, people. It's not too much to ask.

Anyway.... So after not hearing from said person for a few days, I don't want to always be the one to always initiate conversation... Because it makes me feel like interest is being lost. And it may not be, because I know people have their own lives before someone else wanders their way into it. I'm not going to get in the way of that, because time is precious. For everyone. And if you can't tell, I don't want to waste that time.

So, is he losing interest? Or is he busy? I don't want to be that girl, making up nonexistent excuses for some guy who isn't genuinely interested. I don't want to be that girl.

See? Relationships, or lack of relationships are making me crazy! Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Or something. Whatever.

So back to that feeling, with the rain and the music and the vibrating phones...

It felt like I had just jumped off a cliff with a giant pool of water down below... Like I had just climbed up a mountain of red rock, convinced myself to jump off and I was already free falling. Like my arms were flailing, my legs were kicking, and I was squealing for joy as gravity took control of my body.... That moment lasts for honestly just a moment... seconds, really. But it feels like it could go on forever. Heart racing, deep breath in, stomach up in your chest and not down where it should be... The feeling right before body makes contact water?

That feeling. The feeling before the splash.

I want to see what's under the surface.

All in good time.

And....

The end. Because I'm sleepy.

Words of Wisdom from the Wife...

We are all full of dialogue, inner monologue that fills up our brains and infects our space. We drift along in the space time continuum warp known as our brains, prisoners to the very barriers we ourselves erect. We concern ourselves with thinking about farcical things that could be, should be, would be; and than we erect those fallacies and spew them as truth. An undying loyalty can go so far for someone who is uneducated concerning the snake-like twists of man’s inner soul. It’s so much easier to believe what we are told, to re-tell what we have heard rather than to think for ourselves. To follow in the steps of someone with a large personality but a small heart is so much easier than to forge our own path, uphill, through the ripping brambles. To be our own person is seen as impossible, but to be someone else for someone else is so easy, like a second skin, a warm coat on a cold winter night, or a snuggly partner on a lonely night. To seek what our own soul desires requires inner reflection, inner reflection means delving into the deep darkness that is our internal us. If we don’t look long enough all we see is darkness, our mental eyes don’t adjust fast enough and we rip ourselves free of the void, slamming and locking the yawning chasm behind us. To be free from the darkness is a price we will pay to blindly follow those with big feet and bigger personalities. But suppose we stood, and we look around us, shut our eyes, mumbled to 100 and than re-opened our eyes, what would we see? Not dim, dank, darkness, but a spreading golden glow, light at first as we are unaccustomed to it’s brilliance, your inner you doesn’t want to scare you, she wants to enlighten you, enliven you, enrich you. She wants to fill you up with her joy so that you can spew forth goldness and glory rather than hate filled chunks. To be in tune with ones self is a rare and precious gift, it cannot be overcome by minor trivialities or setbacks so long as you know that you are following YOUR dream, not the standard line and reply of another persons step-by-step instructions. To be free, truly free, one must embrace the darkness to find the gold.

By the beautiful and wonderful Molly Jones

Have you met Ralph?

I have a plant. His name is Ralph.

And yes, I do name random things.

Back to the plant. His name is Ralph. Actually, his full name is "Love Ralph" and he has a story.

Once upon a time, about five years ago, Brown Boot went off to Georgia to stay with his mom for a couple weeks. I picked him up from the airport and had this plant waiting for him. It was kind of an inside joke. All plants at his dad's house were named Ralph, and this one in particular, was going to be our Love Ralph. Have you seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Yes, it's from that movie. Instead of a fern, it's a Ralph.

And holy shit, this thing is a survivor. At first, I thought it somehow related to my relationship with him. But it apparently doesn't. Every once in a while I would forget to water it for... Oh, I dunno, WEEKS AT A TIME. And this thing still lives. Five years. Still ALIVE.

It's never been repotted, and it really needs it. I just gave him his first trim not too long ago and this thing is still going strong. I have had multiple plants besides this one, and they're ALL DEAD. I have no idea how this thing keeps on going.

There were times I would notice him starting to get a little sad and droopy, and I would water it. And within a day, it would be bright and happy, full and green, and Brown Boot would contact me. Totally weird.

But that, dear friends, has not happened in a while. I trimmed this little guy and got rid of all the vine that had to leaves, leaving it with like... an inch of existing plant. Seriously. And this little guy is flourishing. It's still here. And so am I.

I'm still amazed. I'm not kidding when I say all my other plants have died. I just recently lost my orchid, for who knows what reason. And all the other plants have committed suicide. Or died from neglect. But not Ralph. He lives strong, even though I have totally forgotten about him many times.

Yes, stupid post. But come on... What plant lives through my torture and neglect for 5 years? Seriously? None of them. Except Ralph. Maybe I need to give him a lover and name her... Shayla. Or something.

just a tiny freak out

There is something I could say here... But I'm not going to say it. I wish I could scream it at the top of my lungs from the tippy top of a very high mountain so the whole world could hear! But I don't want to wake up the poor children in China. And climbing to the top of a very high mountain would be a lot of work... and it's very very hot outside.

That, and I'm terrified that someone would hear me and go running the other direction.

As some of you know, (and I'm not even sure who reads this... but I'm going to do my best to keep things as... Um... Sneaky? As possible? Is that the right word? I don't even know. Whatever.)

I still have that feeling. I met someone and he is wonderful! But we are only in the process of planning date four. That's right. We have only seen each other face to face three times, and he has given me that feeling. A feeling I haven't felt for a long time. This man has literally taken my breath away and given me butterflies, not because he says romantic things or has made an attempt at sweeping me off my feet. He just is. He exists. He lives and breathes and is amazing and wonderful. And the fact that I found someone like this excites me. Thinking about it gives me butterflies, and I'm trying so hard not to explode.

I am doing my best to keep my composure whenever I see a message from him or whenever I see his picture on my facebook page... Even in just a damn status update. Looking at him gives me butterflies. Thinking about him gives me butterflies. He kissed me, and "Take My Breath Away" started playing in my head, because he really did take my breath away. And there are a few other songs that now make me think of him. Not of anyone else. And yes, you did read that right. He kissed me. :)

But see, even writing all that out made me feel like I was going crazy. I still feel that way! I HATE IT! People keep telling me that it's a good thing.

I had so many people telling me how wonderful and fantastic I am, which was generally followed by me saying something along the lines of "No, I'm really not," "Are you talking to me?" and even a "Thank you" depending on who was whispering such sweet nothings in my ear.

My favorite was a blind date I went on, where the guy just sat there staring at me.

"Um... Hello? What are you staring at?"
"You are just so.... so.... captivating."

Which would be totally flattering, except for the tiny tiny fact that that was the only thing he had said ALL NIGHT. GUH.

So after the experiences I have had in my dating life, I am allowed to feel crazy, right? Because I have had all these guys that keep thinking that they feel these things about me, but I have never felt that way about them. I wonder if he thinks the same things or even feels half as twitterpaited as I do. It is driving me insane. I'm constantly nervous.... until I actually see him face to face. The door opens, and I'm not nervous anymore. I just am. And we exist. And we're in that moment and it all just falls into place and is so easy. He makes it easy!

I don't remember being this head over heels for someone. Ever. Much less someone who doesn't pull out a bunch of lame lines to try and get me in his trap. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear. It just so happens, that the things he says without any effort prove that he is the type of guy I'm looking for. He says the things I want to hear with out trying or realizing it.

He's well rounded. A perfect gentleman - which I will explain in just a moment. He doesn't listen to the radio because it all sounds the same. He enjoys red wine and high quality beer. He's a foodie. He is cultured. He plays music and is a business man who enjoys the great outdoors. We come from the same background and have a similar understanding on life. We have the same morbid sense of humor.

Who does this happen to?!

Hello, random qualities that I have picked out of a bunch of different types of guys that I have dated... How did you all end up in one person?

Is there such a thing as something being too good to be true... and actually being true? It's like I just found out that the M&M guys really do exist, and are willing to let me take a bite.

I was recently talking to my person about this man that I have fallen head over heels for... Notice how I said "man"? No, not just scuffed the toe of my shoe like so many times before. I'm talking, full on tripped and half way down to the ground, fallen for... She has the same feeling about this guy that I have. And she recalled a conversation she had with her father about relationships... We date the guys that are not ready to settle down. The guys that treat us like crap, that we never will really end up with. We don't do it intentionally, all the time. It just happens. Then one day, when we are ready to make that commitment, when we've gone through enough crap and heartache, that person that we are supposed to be with will just pop out of the blue and be ready for us too.

Could that have finally happened with me? Seriously? I'm not saying that I'm actually going to end up marrying this guy, because that would just be nucking futs.... even though I probably wouldn't mind it one bit. It's too early to tell with this guy anyway, but I have a feeling... It just gives me hope that there are good guys out there that are respectful and treat women with dignity.

They do exist! Santa is a fat man that brings gifts down through your chimney and the Easter Bunny hides eggs for whatever reason! It's all true!

Back to said guy being a gentleman.... We kissed. The really good kind of kiss that takes your breath away and goes off and on for a couple hours. It happened and it was amazing. It happened a lot. In just one night. It was wonderful. I still get all a flutter thinking about it.

And then he left.

WHAT?!

You heard me. He left. And it was a good thing. Not that I don't want whatever to happen with said guy, because I really do. He left because he was a gentleman.

WHO DOES THAT?! Seriously?! Almost every other guy I know would have pressured me to do whatever it was they wanted to do, leave, and then never speak to me again. Seriously?! I've had relationships start with a random drunk hookup. I've had guys treat me like crap after they've had their way with me and brag about it to their friends. I can't tell you the last time I had a guy that had enough respect for me, that he wanted to wait to go any further.

He left because he was a gentleman. Not because he was gay.

The kind of gentleman that walks to your door and kisses you goodnight.

The kind that tells you about how he wants to rip your clothes off and wake up the neighbors, but leaves because he knows he should.

It IS a good thing! I was bitter about it for the total of a minute, but I realized something...

They do exist! And the Tooth Fairy gives you money for teeth you hide under your pillow!

They are real and amazing and wonderful. Freaking fantastic. Not every knight/prince comes with a white steed and a suit of armor. Sometimes they use wax in their hair and wear buttondown shirts.... And they give you a look that is so intense that you can't look back for very long, for fear that they may steal your soul. It's a good thing.

These are all good things.

Now that I've thought about it all so much, I need a minute to breathe.... *phew*

I've got a feeling...

I'm not saying I'm psychic by any means... whatsoever. But there are moments. Moments when I feel something. I meet people and I get an instant read on them. Kind of like the "Lemon Law" as described in How I Met Your Mother. Within five minutes, I get feelings from people.

I meet them, and I can sense something. It can be with friends, or guys on dates... guys my friends are dating. It has actually happened with several guys I have dated once upon a time. I met them, and I knew something big was going to happen with them. Or it wasn't.

With Brown Boot, I thought I could end my search. I thought I found the one I was going to spend my life with. I had a feeling, that my relationship with him was going to be the biggest one I would ever have. So far, it has been. It's been the longest by far, and shaped me more than any other relationship.

With Tegan's father, I handed him my job application, and I knew that one day he would be more than my manager. I knew something was going to happen with him, but until after I left Florida, I didn't understand what it was. It wasn't that I planned on him giving me a daughter... I just knew something big was going to happen with him.

There have, of course, been relationships in between.... But, honestly, they didn't give me as big of a feeling as these two did. Some of you may read this and think that it's harsh... But when I kept saying that something was missing? It was this feeling. The feeling of knowing. The butterflies. The smile I get every time someone mentions their name... Contentment. Bliss. All that has been missing in almost all of my relationships. Even on dates, I can tell if something is going to happen with the person sitting across the table from me. And yes, sometimes that feeling is there in the beginning... But I'm looking for that feeling to stay. I'm looking for it to linger.

Once upon a time, I had that feeling with Brown Boot. I didn't realize it was totally gone until recently. And I haven't been going out and looking for it. I've been content with my life, and doing whatever it is that I have been doing that has been keeping me so busy.

Then one day... Someone showed me a picture.

I was literally speechless.

My breath had been sucked out of my lungs, in a good way.

And I got butterflies.

Those three things have not happened at the same time in a long time.

I instantly wanted to know more... I asked her more questions... I waited to see who would contact who first... I waited.

And waited.

And waited....

And felt like I was going to explode.

The feeling was still there. This guy was on my mind a lot, and I had no idea who he was... Then the e-mails started. We weren't even flirting. We were honestly getting to know each other, asking questions and giving a version of ourselves in a nutshell. And the feeling was still there. I was getting nervous about meeting him....

Well, after a couple weeks of talking we finally met for a one hour lunch.

He was waiting around the corner, in front of the restaurant that we were going to meet at right on time. I planned on being a couple minutes late, and had been planning my entrance. Nothing big, nothing dramatic... Just something to show that I was being casual. That I wasn't nervous. I didn't want him to see that I was really wanting to burst, because I had never been around someone so attractive, down to earth, and nearly everything I was looking for.

When I turned the corner and saw him there, I spotted him out of a crowd. I took a couple steps back and fixed myself in a window, took of my glasses, and came back around strutting my stuff and placing my glasses in my purse, texting at the same time. See? I'm awesomely casual, and I can multitask. In heels. I was doing some serious strutting too. My shoes were huge and sexy. I wore my hair down so I could toss it and play with it, show off my flirty side. And it totally worked. I looked cool and casual, like meeting this guy wasn't a big deal.

Lunch blew me away. We talked. We laughed. We smiled. And everything was just... amazing. I can't even explain it. This guy seems too good to be true. We've shared our drama, all the crap we've been through, and it just made me like him more. It made me see that he learned from all the crap that he's seen, and he made it turn him into a better person.

Blown away. In total shock that he's even talking to me....

And I have a feeling.

I'm still waiting for the "Oh..." moment. Another HIMYM reference...

Barney: The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal “oh” moment.
Marshall: The “oh” moment?
Barney: “Yeah. The moment you find out that one detail about the person that’s gonna be a deal breaker. So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.”
Ted: “I disagree. If there’s some potential “oh” moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean what’s the alternative?”

The "oh" moments that would have bothered me about someone else haven't bothered me with him.... Because it's made him what he is. And I like what I see.

Again...

I have a feeling. A very good feeling.

Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.

And I LOVE IT.

You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.


(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

My Disney Princess

Yes. Lame title. Shut up.

Let me explain something to you.

Everyone has their favorite Disney Princess. They really do. Any child or adult that grew up with Disney influence with Disney culture, or even went to school where other kids were carrying around backpacks with Disney characters on them.... Bla bla bla, let's just face it. Disney crap is everywhere. And every girl wants to be a princess, and Disney has a princess for everyone.

I will tell you which one is the best. (Yes, there is a best.)

Sleeping Beauty.

But because she actually slept through the whole movie and someone else did all the work. But because of the prince. He actually gave a damn. He fell in love with a girl below his class and went after her anyway. When he found out his dad had arranged for him to marry some other girl, he refused and chased after her. When said princess was the poor girl that lived in the woods, he went after her and fought a DRAGON so he could kiss her and wake her up.

He wasn't just like, "Meh, whatever. I hardly know this girl and my dad wants me to marry some other chick.... so... I'll just go with what will make my dad happy."

No freaking way. He did what it took to get the girl. He refused to marry someone else. He risked his life for her.

That is why it she is my favorite Disney Princess. It just happened to be extreme luck that they ended up being together and living happily ever after. Whatever that means.

Summer nights....

I forgot how much I loved summer time... I know technically it isn't here yet, and spring/summer weather in Utah is kind of bipolar... like snow in May? Psh.

But days when it is so nice a beautiful outside, followed by a beautiful clear and warm night... *sigh*

I've missed those nights. I've missed the days where I could be lazy. I have such fond memories of laying in a hammock in someone's backyard and talking all day and night. The simplicity. The intimacy. The pure bliss that came from really feeling loved.

Summer nights remind me of those times. Not necessarily the person, although until recently he was on my mind a lot... Just simply the feeling. It is actually a very rare occasion when I do think about him, and I like that it's finally that way... I finally know my world still turns without him. And I'm happy alone. :) <-------(look at me being happy....)

The ability to breathe and feel the air rush into my lungs. The ability to stand outside at night and see the stars scattered across the sky. The smell of summer.... The thunderstorms. Relaxing on someone's front yard. The smell of developer and fixer on my clothes and fingers from class.

This day was just so.... simple. And the feelings that I associate with this simplicity are simple.... Simply complicated.

I remember what it felt like to be totally loved by someone else. I know I can find that again one day and I'm not too worried about being in a rush to find it now... every time I have tried to start a fairy tale something has been missing. Something hasn't felt right.

And for once, something feels right.

I'm not with anyone right now. In fact, someone that was mentioned in a previous blog asked for a second chance. I already know I'm going to say no, not just because of what was said or because it took him so long to apologize and say he was wrong... not just because something was missing. Because I know he isn't right for me. I don't get that feeling.

I don't get the summertime deep breathing feeling.... the kind where you can smell the fresh grass clippings and watermelon and the heat from the pavement. The kind where you can close your eyes, inhale and smile.

For some reason, I correlate these feelings of love and summer time deep breathing. The idea of sleeping with my windows open remind me of a time when I was totally wrapped up in someone's arms and felt totally and completely in love. Just by breathing, I could feel total bliss.

Summer time makes me want simple and total love... is that too much to ask?

It will all happen in good time... Well, it better, or I'm going to be pissed.

Preparing a care package...

Dear Mother Nature,

On behalf of the people of Northern Utah, my friends and I have taken the opportunity to put together a little care package for you... Enclosed is a case of Midol, some super jumbo peri pads, and a flat of tampons. Clearly you need to get your PMS under control... I highly recommend getting on some form of birth control, like an IUD or the NuvaRing. I can recommend a very good OBGYN, if necessary.

In the off chance that you are pregnant, which would be a miracle considering how old it is believed you are, we have also enclosed various pregnancy tests, all of which I used to try and prove my friends wrong when they were trying to convince me that I was pregnant.

Please do not take this offensively, as we are just trying to help. Some people in Utah actually do like warm weather every once in a while.

Sincerely yours,
Mandy and friends

(There is no return address, because we don't want lightening to strike in anger... and we don't know where to send this package, so we will keep launching it up in the air with a cannon until it doesn't come back....)

I get home from work early, and you know what I do? Start my five loads of laundry. Yes. Five of them. 1.2.3.4.5. FIVE.

Almost done... But folding is the worst part. If I don't keep going with it all at once, it won't get done and it will all just sit in the baskets and get all gross and wrinkled. But in good time, it will be finished.... It's a massive pile though... and it sucked to carry it all down to the laundry room...

Anyway... The picture is one that one of my friends took! She did such a great job... and she has a real eye for this kind of stuff. Molly Jones, you are a total sweetheart! No joke.

Not only is Molly an amazing photographer, she is also an amazing person. And she is the girl after me. By the girl after me, I mean, she is the girl that dated Brown Boot after me. And by dated, I mean, they were together for about two years after he and I were apparently done. Yes, I saw your jaw drop. Pick it back up.

I think its time we stop letting relationships with boys get in the way of having girl friends. We need the support from each other! We really do. And if you stop turning up your nose and quit being such a bitch, you could actually have a support system and not feel like the world hates you.

News flash... The world is not always out to get you.

Unless someone tells you they are...

I'm just sayin'.

She felt the same things I did. We had a talk about it during the photoshoot, and it was actually really nice to talk to someone else that felt the same way about the same person. Surprisingly, I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel scared. I came away feeling like I had made a new friend that would be around for a while.

Being friends with the girls I thought I was going to hate was actually the best thing that I could have done.

Not only did we have more in common than I would have imagined, but I found that they are amazing people. They make me smile and giggle every day. Wonderful, wonderful people.

Why wouldn't they be?

Anyway. I love this girl. She is a little ray of sunshine in a world that is normally dark and twisty.

Enough gushing about how wonderful she is...

I just finished my required studying for this week for my online class. And I love it. I feel so comfortable learning about this stuff, and it feels so... Second nature to me! I am happy to say, I feel like I'm going in a good direction with my career choice. I hope it stays that way. I get little moments, even at my current job, that get me excited to teach. I've been smiling. I've been happy. I feel... content.

:) <---- see, that's my happy face.

Kind of. I look like crap, so I'm not taking a picture of what I look like now.

Bla bla bla...

Okay, no more distractions. Time to tend to the mountain of laundry that is piling up before me... *shudder.*

If no one hears from me relatively soon, it probably means that I have been smothered by the massive pile of clothes that lay before me....

If you love them... Let them know.

Working in a hospital is dangerous. It's scary. We face death almost everyday... Usually it's not the staff dying, but someone, somewhere is. Code blue's are called in the hospital, and it doesn't really have much of an affect unless you're on that floor or on the code team.

But it happens. You don't always know when. You don't always know where.

I'm currently watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy that is making my heart stop....

If a shooter came into the hospital, what would you do?

Would you run up and punch the guy in the face?

Would you deny your position if the shooter asked to save your own life?

Would you hide?

Would you try to help those that had been shot?

When the man who shot your lover asked you for help tend to his wounds, would you help him?

Would you make a phone call to someone you loved to tell them you loved them?

A million thoughts are running through my head as the events of this episode play out, I put my self in their place. Which is the worst thing I could possibly do before bed time.

I see them drop one by one. People I don't know, fictional characters in a TV show, getting shot, and I relate them to people I know. My heart stops. I put my self in their shoes, whether it be pumps, Sketchers, or sensible dress shoes. I walk each step they walk in those halls. One foot in front of the other... One breath at a time.

My thoughts turn to the people that I would want to talk to if I knew my time was running out...

I would probably send a text message to everyone I wanted to talk to because I can text faster than dial numbers...

I would tell My Person that I love her, and that I've always loved her. That no one would ever replace her.

I would tell Brown Boot that I have always loved him and will always love him, and that the relationship I had with him changed my life and made me a better person.

I would tell other people close to me that they meant the world to me... and it would probably be a mass text because I know I wouldn't have time to send an individual message to each person that touched my life...

I would leave something for Tegan so she would know how much she means to me and how much I truly love her... That she is my entire world and that all the bad things in her life had already happened after I was gone, if I had to leave.


Then I would run up and kick the shit out of the guy, in hopes he wouldn't make it to killing anyone else.

Or tend to the wounds that I could care for.


I still haven't decided yet. It would of course depend on where I was and what chances I had of doing what I wanted to do.

My point is... why wait to tell someone until it was too late? Why put it off to the last minute?

What good is loving someone if they or you are gone?

Love fully. Laugh loud. Live in the moment.

relationships need subtitles

Seriously.

I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm okay with it. Kinda. I mean, I would like to get married one day. I dream of the wedding with the church and the dress and the handsome man at the end of the aisle. And the flowers. And the cheese cake. And the cute house with the BBQ and the man that knows how to work the BBQ and actually make delicious food. I can see it all there. Right at my fingertips. I could have it if I wanted it, and I do.

But the face of the man at the end of the aisle and manning the BBQ is blank. I have no idea who that person is, and apparently I haven't even met the guy yet. One day, maybe.

I'm okay not having someone there all the time. I'm okay being single. And I'm happy.

That being said, I recently broke things of with someone that I started to see.

We knew each other for a total of one month. ONE. Four weeks = one month. We talked for two, then we started hanging out and going on dates. And things started moving really fast. Snowballing. But the snowball started out big and just kept getting bigger and going faster, even though there is no actual snow outside right now! (instead, I have an awesome farmer's tan from the zoo. From freezing to roasting. Seriously. Mother Nature needs to cut this crap out.)

So, things started moving fast. This guy was insanely nice. He made me smile. He was really cute. Really sweet. And really thoughtful.

And really insecure.

He was constantly asking me if things were okay.

"Is everything alright?"
"Are you okay?"
"Are you happy?"
"Do you like me?"
"Do you STILL like me?"

Seriously. At first it was all really sweet. It was nice to have someone care about me as much as he did, and he actually showed it. He went out of his way to make me comfortable. Which hadn't happened in a long time. But the insecurity bugged me.

I do not claim to be perfect at all. I'm far from perfect. Yes, I'm a single mother, but I have my shit together. I'm in school and I work full time and I love being with my daughter. I used to be the insecure one, who totally depended on someone else for my happiness. And I saw this relationship going that direction. I saw things that I used to do, and I wanted to avoid the crashing and burning.

I stressed that like crazy. No crashing and burning. No going to fast. I have a lot on my plate to worry about... I have a really big picture I need to take in every time I date a guy. And this doesn't mean that I analyze every guy I meet and try to figure out if they are husband potential in five minutes. That stuff only happens in Utah county. (*wink wink*)

So after a great night with this guy, when he asks me a million questions to make sure I'm happy, I have a talk with him. He had told me several times that if we needed to slow down he was okay with it. That I was in control of the relationship and how fast it moved.

So I told him. I wanted the snowball to stop rolling down the hill for a bit, and thaw so it didn't turn out too big too fast.

And the insecurity... It had to be fixed. We could date, but he needed to work on his insecurity and confidence, because it was a huge turn off. Moving that fast with someone that isn't secure makes it even worse. Especially when there is a kid involved.

I talked to him for an hour, explaining that I liked him a lot and that I cared about him a lot and that it was because I liked him so much, I wanted to talk to him instead of just leaving. I wanted to work things out and have a healthy relationship. No crashing and burning. No massive snowballs rolling through cities and destroying civilization.

I liked him, and wanted it to work. And to have it work, I needed to go slower. I needed to take Tegan out of the picture with him because they were getting too attached to each other too fast. I needed things to go back to just wooing and dating. He and I had to be a couple before we could be a family.

We knew each other for a month, and things were going at full speed from day one.

We understood that things were moving a million miles an hour, and I was okay with it. It didn't scare me until I got to know him better. And the insecurity really started to show.

And I knew we could get past it and that it was a fixable problem.

After an hour of talking, we felt okay about things and finally said good night.

Well, the next day, we're talking. We made plans to go to the aquarium because we wanted to see the penguins. I sent him a picture of Tegan doing something that I told him about that he hadn't seen and told him I missed him. Seeing no harm in it.

But apparently I confused the hell out of him.

Apparently I can't make plans to go to the aquarium, because that's like making plans to buy a house and planing a wedding.

I can't send him a picture of that thing that Tegan did because it's being all cute and sentimental.

I can't tell him I miss him, because I'm sending him mixed signals.

I guess I just confused the all living hell out of him. We have to be moving fast or not at all.

He didn't tell me anything. He didn't say it was a problem. No, instead, that night he told our mutual friend that things were pretty much over between us.

When she asked me about it, I told her what happened, and she said he must just be upset and overreacting. Things would mellow out and he would be okay. Things would work out.

Well, that's when I decided to ask him if things were really over.

No response. Two hours go by and no answer.

(I know he got the message because we were on BBM together, and it tells you when someone sees the message.)

So finally I say that it's the wrong time to just not answer me.

The next day was no picnic. That would be today. He freaked out at me. Tried to flip everything around and that I was the one being insecure. It was my fault. He tried to rationalize and justify everything so that it wasn't his fault. No need to go into the whole argument, but one of the last things he really said to me was that I had issues because I have a child.

Let me tell you this, mister.

Me having a child has nothing to do with my issues. Yes, it can cause some, but I got over mine. I'm happy with where I am in my life. I'm confident, and I have my head on my shoulders and I know where I want to go in my life. Yes, I may be dark and twisty. But Tegan is not the cause of my issues. I was messed up before she got here. And I've fixed a lot of the stuff that I thought of as issues. So don't you dare blame any of this on her.

You don't have a child and you have a lot more issues than I do.

You're the one that fucked this up here. Not me.

Summer is... the smell of grass clippings.

I will proudly admit that I am a huge fan of freshly cut grass. It smells so good to me! The other day, the landscapers cut the grass and it rained soon afterward. The smell filled the air, and there was a little bit of sunshine. I rolled down my car windows and took a deep breath... It felt like home. I felt peace. And I smiled.

Mother Nature still seems to be a bit bipolar as of late... It starts off bright and sunny, and then it will randomly start pouring rain, then go back to bright and sunny. Although it's been a few weeks since snow. Or hail. *shakes fist*

But today, finally, I can look out the window and not be confused as to why the birds are chirping. So we will venture to the zoo. I haven't been since I got the pass and I want to make the most of it... Even though a bunch of the exhibits are closing for remodel. Apparently I picked the wrong year to get a pass.

Because it has been a while (for which I am not apologizing for because, quite frankly, that is getting old), I think we are due for an update!

Tegan now has 8 teeth. That's right, I said 8. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8. She seems to be moving at the speed of light... Her personality is coming out a lot more and people seem to be falling heads over heels for her. At the current moment we are working on potty training. Just the beginning steps. Right now she things that if she goes into the bathroom, she gets a sticker.... But she has gone in the big girl potty a lot! She is only 15 months old and so smart... I'm sure it will happen before I know it.

She has effectively learned how to say "No."

It's actually adorable, and I'm sure it won't drive me crazy until she's older.

It started with the coffee table. She would start to put her leg up to climb onto it and I would say, "No, Tegan. Put your leg down please."

And she would put her leg down and say, "No. No. No."

Then she would put her leg on the table and I would give her the mommy look, and she would put her leg down and tell herself, "No."

Well... Now I actually don't get to tell her "No" until she is standing on the coffee table watching TV. When I tell her to get down she turns and looks at me, says "No." in a very stern voice, and turns back to watching TV. Then she pitches a fit because I take her down and turn the TV off.

I'm a good mommy... :P

She is learning how to dance too... Every time she hears music she likes, she runs around and bounces. It is so adorable! She is such a happy and sweet baby....

SPRING SEMESTER IS OVER! WOO!!!

Grades are slowly posting... B in Human Development and a B+ in History. :) I couldn't be happier.

And classes start again on Monday. No worries though.... My classes for Summer are actually fun and they don't last very long. I have darkroom photography on campus, another class online, and my canyoneering class that doesn't meet until June. But I'm so excited for it all! Hopefully I can decide what I really want to do... It's been on my mind a lot lately...

Do I really want to be a nurse? Is that the direction I really want to go in my life? I'm at work, and I'm working with these patients, helping them do whatever it is they need help with... and I love it. But then I get home with my daughter, and I read her stories and we play games and dance around the living room and we play outside... And I love the way her eyes light up when she's learning. I love her giggle and her smile... I love when she says new words. I love teaching her.

And I never thought I would be good with kids. Seriously. But since I have had her, and especially after one of the classes I took last semester, I have a better grasp on how their minds work and I actually love them. I want to be that person and help them learn. I want to be a kindergarten teacher. I want to be their Mrs. Clays.

But... Mrs. Clays was really old (and she may not have been as old as I thought is was because I was like 5 at the time and everyone older than you seems old....)

I want to teach the new generation and touch their lives... And make learning fun. I have all these ideas floating around in my head, but Tegan is too little for all of them.

Is there a way I can have both?

I keep thinking about doing home health during the summer when I'm not teaching classes... I keep having dreams about moving up to Oregon and giving Tegan the type of childhood I had.

I don't know it's all dreams and it's all ideas floating around in my head...

I can tell you that going through the teaching program as a single mother would be a lot easier than going through the nursing program.

It's all a big mess of whatever in my head right now. I wanna have the best of both worlds... And I'm sure I can find a way. We'll see how things go after this summer semester. I have a feeling that I'll understand it all better.

I do love where I work. It has its moments of chaos. But I love the people I work with, for the most part. And I love the company. And I love the benefits. I love a lot of things about where I work. But I'm not sure if I would love something else more.

Flip flop flip flop.

Whatever.

Still single. By the way. In case anyone was wondering. I am seeing someone, but in an effort to take it slow, we're not in a relationship. I'll have to get into that more later... Today I'm going to the Zoo. And Mother Nature can't stop me.

only time will tell...

So....

I've been in this weird place, and I've been trying to figure it out. A very mild dark and twisty place. I'm not extremely depressed. Just randomly sad. And thinking about it makes me mad because I want to know what it is.

I'm okay with where I'm at right now. School. Work. Baby. Where I live. But something is missing. A relationship?

I'm finally at that place where I know I don't need someone. And that's where I wanted to get. I wanted to make sure that before I got with someone new, I had my head on my shoulders. And it's on my shoulders, fastened tight. I'm figuring out who I am and what I want in life, just like any person at my age.

I want someone that takes my breath away.

I had that. I kind of still have it. And I'm ashamed to admit it sometimes.

I think about him, and suddenly I can't breathe. My head gets foggy and I feel like there should be tears in my eyes, but they stay dry. It takes a moment to catch my breath, and then I try to make up for the lack of oxygen with deeper breaths. And then I feel relatively normal.

Like I've said before... "I miss you less with each deep breath, but then there's times when I can't breathe and I'm back where I started again."

He and I are together in my dreams. I feel his arms around me, and I feel someone loving me passionately. I even feel it when I'm awake. I feel like someone is loving me as much or more than this person. But is this person I feel the same person that I think it is? Or is it someone totally new that I haven't met yet?

When I met him, I thought that was it. I thought I was done. I had met that person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The search was over. Happily ever after was on the horizon.

And yes, I'm talking about damn Brown Boot. And I'm not happy about it. Because it's in the past. It's not something that should still be on my mind.

For some sick, twisted reason, I have hope lurking in the back of my mind. I know I don't need him. I know I should be over him by now, because it's been what... Like... over three years? I should be over it by now, but *NEWS FLASH* I'm not. It sucks. I want to slap myself.

I hate that he still gets in my head. I hate that my thoughts still drift off to him when I least expect it. I hate that we aren't together right now.

But we're not. And I'm dealing.

I'm still here, breathing.

I still go about my life, day to day, without him in it and I'm okay. I see him, randomly. I play it cool, like it's not a big deal. Because it shouldn't be. We're somewhat friends and I would rather have him a small part of my life, than have him not in it at all.

The relationship I had with him shaped me into who I am. Everything I have gone through has shaped me into this person that survives on her own. A single mother, who works and goes to school full time. A woman that is living her life with her head on her shoulders. But that person still makes my head spin. He shouldn't. It's been YEARS.

It's not healthy.

I honestly am okay with my life. I like that I don't need someone else. I don't need another person to be my whole source of happiness. Just someone who adds to it.

I can have that. I have potential to be amazing, whether I'm with someone or not. And once I have that someone who is worth my time, we will be extraordinary together.

If this person isn't Brown Boot, I know they will make me forget about him. This person will blow Brown Boot out of the freakin water.

Who is that person? Have I even met him yet?

Only time will tell.