Wednesday, May 9, 2012

To much hope to be hopeless...

How many times do I post about not blogging enough? Too many. So this time we won't mention it. Besides now...
Okay, moving on.
I have never written in this blog to publicize my views to the world. I didn't do it to broadcast my personal life for everyone to see. I have been through a lot, a lot more than I talk about actually. And I have found that I when I give too much of my self or tell someone more information than I should, things turn around and bite me in the ass like a wolf sinking its teeth into a steak feast after being starved for months.
With that being said, I went through a lot of personal things. Silly things in my love life and a lot of it I am still not ready to talk about. The story still continues, and it will continue. Who knows how long it is going to drag out or what will happen next? I never have really known what is around the corner, but I keep walking at a steady pace with my head held high. I will take the punches as they come and walk through any storm if it means that I can eventually come to my happiness. Whatever that happiness may be.
I was driving on a beautiful street on my way home today. The street was lined with trees and the houses were a little older, but refinished and well taken care of. The air smelled like spring time... of fresh grass clippings and some kind of fruity lemon and my coconut air freshener. The air was warm and I drove with the music on and Tegan singing along.  (She sounds beautiful when she sings Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I", and if you haven't heard the song yet, I suggest you listen to it now so you can understand the rest..... did you listen? Okay, continue reading.)
The same song played over and over again and she began to remember more of the words and sing along and giggle. My heart was soaring. And some thoughts popped in my head. I want this life. I want to live on a tree lined street, in a unique house that I have made my own. I want a yard and a fence so I can let the kid can run around with the dog while I do my work in the kitchen. I want a beautiful garden in the backyard. I want the view of the valley, so I can watch the sun turn brilliant colors when it sets over the horizon. And I know that is where these things wait for me.
Its there. I dare it all to hide from me much longer. And I came to realize something... it is all going to take a lot of work. I will appreciate it all that much more because of all the stupid shit I went through to get it. I don't have it yet because it isn't ready for me and I am not ready for it, but I have not given up hope. I would love to get married and make my family bigger and one day it will happen... but not yet.
I have not given up hope. I have not given up in general. It would be stupid to do that. How the hell will I get what I know I want and full well deserve if I throw my hands up in the air and quit? I won't!
And, I know I don't have to have all of it alone, but I am prepared if that is the case. So many times I have believed that I really am happy alone and that I don't need anyone else. Then someone comes and makes me change my mind, and then it blows up in my face in one way or another. But something is different this time. I really feel like I am getting to that place where I really don't need someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I want someone there. A certain someone, in fact, but I know that will all take time as well. But I honestly have begun to be happy in my own skin. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I have stopped being what others want me to be. And things are falling into place.
Some pieces come more rapidly than others. Some pieces need to be rotated so their shape will fit into my jigsaw puzzle style life, but it is all fitting together.
I have talked about the life I imagine myself having... with the chicken coop and the garden and the dog and kids and camping... did I not mention chickens and camping before now? Well.... there you go. I want chickens when I grow up. Ha.
What was I saying? Oh yes, I have talked about this life with several different people, and different guys have given me different reactions. But only one has talked about wanting all the same things too. Only one has not rolled their eyes and laughed at me. Only one has been genuine with every way they treat me and with how they see their life ending up...
What makes it better is that my heart didn't break when I hugged him and gave him a kiss goodbye this time. I didn't have it in my head that I would never see him again... after years of saying goodbye, knew that it wasn't the end.
It is never the end. Even though things began so long ago, this seems to be the beginning.
It was never really goodbye.