Sunday, January 9, 2011

something about a white picket fence...

For those of you who really know me, I am not a picket fence person.

I am making that very clear. I think they are hideous in a "Stepford wife" sort of way. I never want to be that wife... The wife that wears heels while she's baking a pie for her husband, waiting by the door with his slippers and pipe in hand. I am not a 50s sitcom wife. My life is not a black and white movie. I do not want a white picket fence and plastic on the furniture. I do not want 2.5 kids and a dog. You know what? I think I can find a picture...

NO. No thank you. It will not do. I can not be that type of family.... The Leave it to Beaver type of family.

That being said...

I keep having dreams. Dreams the involve the type of family that I want when I grow up. I keep getting this feeling... I know what I want and I know that I really want it and who I want it with. It's freaky. And I can see it totally happening.

I see bonfires by water of some kind. I see BBQs with friends and family. I see a dog and a house - but not just any house. And old house that we have made into our own. A garden. Hardwood floors and a wood burning fireplace. Warm colored walls... an island in the kitchen with a bar area where we eat breakfast. Counter space! Freaking counter space! And home cooked meals... I want my house to have a natural feel to it... warm and natural. Lots of wood and wrought iron and stone... A back porch where we sit and watch people run around in our backyard. Trips to the beach - which is not very far away...

One of the most important things in this dream is that we made this house into what we want. It feels old and very lived in and happy... because we made it that way.

I don't really know if any of it will happen... But I keep having dreams. I keep getting little signs that the road I'm headed down is the right one. When I start to doubt or feel like I'm downing, something saves me. Something brings me back to the surface so I can see that I'm getting closer to what I want.

It may all just be a dream. It may end up being a total nightmare... But right now, I'll pretend that it's the right way to happily ever after. Who knows? This could be it.

School is finally working in my favor. Work is finally working in my favor. Things are going the way that they need to. I've worked hard for it all and it's paying off.

I am living proof that with a lot of faith and support, with a lot of hard work... It's possible to make it and be a single mom. It's possible to make a terrible situation into something wonderful.

It is possible to make lemonade from lemons (and find a friend that has vodka, if needed....)

You don't have to marry someone because they got you pregnant. Stepford wives don't have the kind of happiness I do. I don't have to rely on someone else to be happy. Happiness doesn't have to come with a white picket fence.