Monday, September 29, 2008

darker than coffee

So... I miss downtown. And it really got me down. It made me feel dark and scared inside. Now I know what I want, where I want to be, where I feel like I belong.... How the hell do I get there?

Step one... Get a job. Cool. Easy, right? Not when I'm trying to work in the medical field, and everyone wants experience already. Bull crap. Who wants to hire a single pregnant chick who is going to need to take some time off after baby is born? No one. Things are also easier when there is a reliable mode of transportation involved... Like a car. Or a public transit system that runs at a decent time. HA! Good one. Not in Utah County... So to really get a job and keep it and start saving money, I need a car. Or I could continue to get rides from random people in the neighborhood who keep giving me lectures about how I should go back to church and what I should do with baby. Mom always told me to never ride in a car with a stranger, but she's the one calling these crazy people to drive me all over the place. You make no sense lady. They don't even offer me candy! Instead, I get crap about the way I'm living my life because it's different than theirs. Give me lots of hard candy, so I can crunch on it and totally tune out the stupid religious crap that you're trying to shove down my throat. That way you can feel validated, and I can satisfy my pregnancy cravings.

Step two.... Get a car. Which means I would need a job so I can have money to make the car payments, and for gas, and insurance, and all that awesome car goodness. But to really get a good job, I would need a car to get there. See step one. Stupid endless cycle.

Step three... Slam my head against the wall because just thinking about the first two steps makes things seem impossible.

Step four... Come up with new step one and step two so we can skip step three and four and have a successful step five.... which will be created after step one and two get worked out.

Step five-million-six-hundred-and-two... hopefully look back and realize that all the baby steps that lead me where I am were totally worth it, and that everything will work out. Happiness. Right? Seriously? Good lord.

It's not impossible. Just hard. And things will look up soon, right? There is a way to make it happen. That life I want is right there. I just wish that life for once could be easy. That would be nice. It would be really nice to drink a cup of black coffee than feel like my heart has turned darker than the same intoxicating liquid (that if you can't tell yet, I have a craving for,) that should be in the cup that I would like to be sipping.

Okay... deep breath. Here's what we can do... Deal with stupid crap for now, but don't forget the good things. Right? So what... I focus on finding a job. A good one. Maybe work a day or two somewhere fun, but focus more on the career. Save, save, save. Save money for a car. Save money for baby. Save money for moving downtown and breaking free. Save money so that one day, I won't feel so stuck and trapped. Very doable. Right? Right.

I'm just tired of feeling stuck. I left Florida because I had lost my independence, and I wanted to get it back. Now, it seems like I have even less independence than before. I can have a life. I can do the things I've always wanted to do. It's not impossible. Just keep telling me that. I can do it....

chug-a chug-a chug-a choo choo! I will soooo show that little engine that could what's up.

Life is a lot different than I wanted it to be. But that's okay. Sometimes when you go to the counter at a coffee house, they hand you the wrong drink, or it's made differently. Sometimes it will taste like shit, and other times you might like it more than what you had originally ordered.

Coffee substitute is so not like the real thing... at all. Gross. Not like I can have a cigarette either. And no beer. Or wine. Damn... A nice glass of wine would be really good right now.

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