Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I had a moment. It was just what I needed, and it didn't last very long, but it didn't need to. It was one of those moments that you see in the movies, where someone is alone and they realize something - the music swells and you can see the light bulb turn on above their heads.

I literally had one of those moments.

Except there was no actual light bulb.

Let me paint the picture for you.

April 2, 2011. I was driving up 400 South on my way back to my apartment after picking up my Bountiful Basket co-op order. My eyes were red and puffy from sobbing like a little baby and drinking a bunch of vodka to dull whatever somber emotion was trying to rise up inside me. My heart had been ripped out, even though the rest of the world and I saw it coming like an oncoming train. I had my iPod on shuffle, and skipped through song after song.

Keep Breathing my Ingrid Michaelson started playing, and I let it. The music fit my mood, and tears were already running down my face.

The moment comes here... I was coming up around 1100 East, and the sun was rising slowly over the mountains. The music literally swelled, and the lyrics kept repeating...

"all I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"

It was really intense. And it clicked. That figuritive lightbulb clicked above my head and the tears started falling more dramatically.

That was all I could do at that time. Keep breathing. Keep moving forward. It was not the end of the world, and someone would come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Even though I thought that was it, it clearly wasn't.

And I've decided to savor and relish in every moment and mistake made. They are what makes us who we are.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

New things a happenin'

Since things ended with the Army man (really, thinking about it doesn't make me cry anymore... I may possibly even be better off. I mean really? I can't even have a movie style twirly hug with the man without getting charged by a ram. Must have been some foreshadowing for our relationship... ah hem... *trails off.....*)

Anyway... Since things ended with army man, there was pilot man. Pilot man promised a lot of things and painted a very pretty picture of a very pretty white fence, handed to me on a silver platter. Everything I wanted, wrapped up in a pretty package. Trips around the world, amazing dates, an amazing life. A life that he had already built and a life I could just walk into. Eventually it became very apparent that his pretty words were no more than that... pretty words.

It became very apparent when he told me I should keep dating other people.



If you really wanted to be with me, you wouldn't tell me to keep dating other people. Seriously? Whatever...

Typical pilot. You and your pretty words can continue to do whatever you do best... but I probably won't be waiting around.

On that note... I said to myself, "Self, how are you going to meet other people if you are playing with kids all day? Most of the kids in your center belong to married parents, and you met the one single father you fed you pretty words and lies."

Answer? The internets.

A friend of mine may or may not have met her fiance through eHarmony, so I decided to give it a shot. Those dates seem to be going pretty well... Nothing to exciting to report yet. No fluffy butterflies floating around my tummy. No one is giving me the insane "I have to be with this person" feeling... So we'll wait and see. It's still early in the game, and I'm sure more exciting things will come.

I did have a date take me on a carriage ride, however. *yay me!*

That was actually very romantic. Probably the closest to woo that I have been in a very long time. And the guy was super sweet to boot.

What else...

I have kind of become a model for an amazing group known as the SaltCity Bombers. I am so excited to become part of this project! Anyone that reads should come to our events and support us as much as possible. Most of what the group does is nonprofit, for charity work... Promotion of various causes and diseases and promotion of small business. Amazing people doing amazing work. I am very happy with the concept, and can't think of anything better to be a part of.

Finally, all that money spent on modeling classes and learning how to do make up pays off!! I love the entire idea.

I seem to have a problem doing something I love if I'm forced to do it... If I have to write, I would rather do it for fun than be forced to do it. If I have to do anything to let my creative side out, I would rather do it willingly (and for a good cause) than have my arm twisted to do it.

Just sayin....

This Bombers thing is going to rock. :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's been a while...

But the story continues.

Spoiler alert! It didn't work out. I didn't move to Oregon or Washington. He ended up not being the love of my life, and we didn't live happily ever after. But that is life.

Even though it didn't end in "Happily ever after" the story is still something that shaped me. And it was still a wonderful relationship, while it lasted. It ripped out my heart and gave me hope all at the same time.

And made me join eHarmony.

Anyway.... *shifty awkward eyes*

*clears throat*

Pretend you didn't just read that.

We'll do a kind of nutshell/Reader's Digest version of what happened, because much has happened since then and this is something that I don't really want to dwell on...

He and I had a moment on a hill while the sun was setting where I ran into his arms and he gave me the long awaited and promised twirly hug... Then I was charged at by a ram.


A ram. Like... Horned sheep. Came running in my general direction. So what did I do? Throw him in front of me and ran. I admit it openly.

We got stuck in a huge muddy area on a Gator, which he did on purpose to get me alone to talk to me. It was kind of funny actually... In a nerdy, jock sweet kind of way. If that is possible. The first night there we had a huge fire pit and a ton of family came up. There were a million people crammed into a one room shack with a busted shower and a wood pellet furnace.

Yup. We know how to roll on the west coast, dude.

He and I stayed up talking for at least an hour after everyone else had fallen asleep... We got to talk about all the things that we said we would have to talk about in person, and I just stayed totally wrapped up in his arms.

Eventually we made our way up to Astoria the next day, after spending some time being lazy on the property.... We found an amazing place for dinner that was to die for and grabbed some cheesecake to take back to the bed and breakfast that we found. Every other place was totally booked, and by chance we called Clementine's. It was perfect. We stayed in the "Moose Temple" (his nickname was Moose) and the building actually used to be an old LDS church.

Too many things were fitting together. That, and the amazing scones we had for breakfast on the way to the Astoria Column before we flew the little wooden planes on my birthday... Everything just fit together. There was no coincidence. The was just us and fate. A voice in my head told me to jump, and I dove straight in.

So the entire weekend was magical. I got to spend time with my best friend and the godbaby. I got to see family and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. I got to wrap my head around the idea that I could have that life.

Then it happened.

I month later, when I made another trip out to the West Coast, this time to Seattle (for the first time) I could tell he was already distancing himself. Things we used to talk about, we didn't talk about anymore. He called less. He didn't seem as interested as he was before. The honeymoon phase wasn't just over - it was DONE. I could see it coming from a million miles away. I saw the warning signs, but I convinced myself that it was just because I was trying to make excuses to ruin a good thing.

By the night of April 1, 2011 - it was over. I wasn't what he wanted and he didn't want a girlfriend, much less a girlfriend that lived in a different state with a child.

But it's okay. We had our moment. We had an incredible weekend and another weekend that was just... well, whatever.

Some people were shocked. Some people kept saying he would come back. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't, and that it would be okay.

I don't cry when I think about him anymore. It doesn't make me sad.

There is no such thing as a mistake. Every "mistake" is a learning experience. What you do with it is what matters.

So I kept breathing (after drinking a lot of vodka) and realized that there must be something bigger for me out there. It was going to come to me whenever it and I were both ready. I'm still waiting for it...

Any time now...

Ah hem....

So I keep living my life, and doing what makes me happy. One day at a time. It wasn't the end of the world. It may have just been the beginning of a whole new world for me.