supernova

I snuck out of my house tonight...

I guess it really wouldn't be sneaking out because I don't have a curfew, and I stayed in my yard. But the point is, I had to be very quiet in the process of getting in and out. Once I got outside, I was in almost total darkness, and I got to enjoy the silence of night in my neighborhood.

The reason I "snuck out"? It was all so I could go outside and see the stars. That's right. I didn't do anything naughty or illegal. Sorry to disappoint. There were no guys I went to see, no parties to go to with underage drinking and illegal drugs. The whole purpose was so I could go see the stars.

In Florida, it was harder to see the stars. There was way too much light pollution in the areas I lived to see hardly anything besides the moon, unless you were in the right place. Here, there are mountains to climb to see billions of stars, and so much more scenery to enjoy in the process.

Back to my point....

There were so many stars out tonight. Some were brighter than others, and some I couldn't even see at all. I didn't mind the cold, in fact, it wasn't too bad. I was just happy to be outside and enjoy nature and how amazing life really is.

As I was looking at the stars, it made me become sentimental and start thinking. I was only there for about fifteen minutes, and a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Stars only last for so long in the time of the universe. Their light travels billions of light years across the universe to reach our line of sight. But once they explode, their brightness still remains until their darkness travels those same light years and extinguishes its light and they turn into a hunk of ash, or they turn into something new. And most people don't even notice once they're gone. It takes weeks or months for this to happen. One day, that star you wish on, may be gone. But new stars are being formed every day. Matter is pulled together, sometimes from other stars that have lost their light.

Isn't is amazing how that works? How the universe can pull itself together to create something new out of something that has been destroyed? Or how it takes a lot more than an instant for the light from a star to reach us, and then more time for that light to disappear?

Stars have captivated cultures since people walked the earth. They have been used for direction, story telling, light in the night, or a way to find calm in a world of chaos.

Straining my neck to look at the night sky made me think of people in my life... or one person, to be perfectly honest. See, I told you that I was deep and had a lot on my mind! And if I didn't, I just did. So take that.

In thinking about this person, and relating them to the diamonds I saw on that black blanket in the sky, I knew that he was gone. Actually, I know he's gone. Unless by some slim chance he pokes the tip of that famous brown boot back into my life. But the more I thought about it, the more he seemed like a star that had been long gone. The thing that was us, has already exploded, and I'm just waiting for the light to fade or for it to turn into something else...

Maybe, one day, and who knows when that will be, this star that we used to be will totally fade and when I look into the sky he won't be there anymore, which would be called a "black dwarf." Maybe, when any effort is put into this star once it's gone, any matter or energy that gets too close gravity will pull in and it will all disappear, making it a black hole. Maybe it will become one of those stars that can only be seen every once in a while. A twinkle in the night. Maybe, it will be one of those stars, that even though it is considered dead, will continue to glow longer than I stay alive.

But from the small amount of research I've done tonight, whatever the star turns into depends on what the initial mass of the star to start out with.

So what were we? Or what was he to me? From my view on what happened, at one point, we were almost as bright as the sun. Our initial mass, was spectacular. He was the north star that guided me in the night. There are millions of stories that I could tell, that may seem like myths now, based on what we used to be. At one point, that star was everything to me. I lived and breathed it. And basking in its light seemed to calm me in my world of chaos.

"...its iron core is collapsing and heating, until iron is ready to fuse. As soon as it does, though, it absorbs all of the heat around it, chilling the core. All fusion abruptly stops, and the star implodes. The rebound of this implosion is the greatest explosion known in the cosmos: a supernova. A single supernova can be brighter than an entire galaxy for a few days. After the supernova, depending on the mass of the original star, the core might be left over as a white dwarf, neutron star, or black hole."

Well... What can I do? It seems that no matter what, the star will have some kind of effect on the universe. Looking at pictures of everything listed, they all seemed so brilliant. All of them were alive with color and light. So did we finish our star's life cycle and end like a supernova? Or has it even rebounded from the implosion yet? Am I just waiting to see what kind of matter will be left once the light has faded or completely disappeared? Am I waiting for the star to finally implode and then form its brilliant supernova, and finally give me some peace? I'm sure that our core has already started to cool a long time ago... I just don't know how long the process takes.

Will there be any matter left to make anything new? I have no idea. I sure hope so. But this light that seems to emit from this one star seems to take over any other star that I try to look at. There have been other stars that have caught my eye for a brief moment in time, but they don't have enough energy or life to even cross my mind a second time. Maybe I'm looking at a planet that won't go anywhere any time soon, other than follow its orbit across the sky... and that takes a long time.

Haha, oh god. I just read through all that stuff and I don't know if it will even make sense to anyone that will read it. Good luck! It seems to make sense to me, but I feel like the baby is stealing all my brain cells. Even though all this stuff seemed to happen so long ago, it still has an effect on my daily life, and in the way that I try to pick a new lover. I will say it one more time...

I deserve to be loved like there's no tomorrow. I deserve to be with someone that will forget about the terrible things that happened yesterday, and still learn from them. I deserve to have someone live in the moments of today with me.

The end. I make no sense.

Nighty night.