Tuesday, August 26, 2008

hurricane mcfrank

every song i hear reminds me of you.

it's not like i need the music. randomly thoughts of you creep into my head. it's been happening more often now, and it gets so bad that i have to stop what i'm doing to try and breathe. it feels like someone is digging a knife into my heart, trying to make it stop beating, and filling my lungs with fluid every time... like i'm seriously drowning.

i sit in a chair, with my head between my legs, and try to take deep breaths and get my heart to stop throbbing in pain. within minutes, the liquid in my lungs seems to disappear, and my heart returns to it's normal rate. people literally die of broken hearts... i know it's not the same thing. but it's painful. my heart doesn't feel complete. and this pain keeps flooding me. it's not normal. it's not okay to feel this way. especially more than a year after the destruction that was us swept through my life and destroyed me. the hurricane.

these thoughts of you should not drown me. it's been over a year since i've seen you, and i should have lost hope a long time ago that we would ever be together again. i keep trying to remind myself that you are a different person now. that the boy i loved is long gone, and doesn't love me anymore. but the memories we have remain. ghosts haunting me at every turn in the shadows. no one has looked at me the way you did. ever. they haven't held me the same... they will never love me the same. and losing that is scarier than the ghosts. and the drowning.

i knew what true love was once. i had it at my finger tips. i had it laying next to me every night, keeping me safe and warm as we talked all day and night long in that hammock in your dad's back yard. i had it in little messages you used to leave me, and in the things we used to do. camping, talking, making love, singing songs to each other...

i will always remember your 21st birthday. i will always remember candles exploding on the first night we were together. and the christmas when you gave me the 'bike'. the motorhome. i will always remember the good times we had. and the bad. god knows we had them both. but i will remember that we had time at all, and that at one point, i was loved. and that i knew what true love was. i still know what it is. and that i had it with you, and haven't been able to find it with anyone else.

thunderstorms and rain still have an effect on me. it seems like anytime something dramatic happened, it would start to rain.

the thing with drowning, is people just give up sometimes. they don't fight to get out of the water and try to save themselves. i want to keep living, breathing, and feeling the sunshine on my face. i just wish i could have that love again. that the thoughts would stop drowning me, and that the ghosts would give me some peace instead of rubbing what has been lost in my face.

maybe one day, we will be together again. maybe one day, you or someone else will pull me out of the water and save my life. but right now, i need to keep kicking and trying to find the surface so i have a chance of surviving. hopefully FEMA won't come too late to repair the damage. it already seems like it's taking a long time.

maybe, one day... worst phrase ever.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I'm starting to become less dark and twisty...

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together." - Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

I realize that the last blog I posted on here was a little negative... So I'm going to fix that.

My life is moving in a positive direction. Yeah, it may be slower than I would like, but at least I feel like I'm going somewhere instead of just feeling stuck like I did while I was in Florida. I'm finally moving in the direction of some kind of career, and even though sometimes I get lonely, I'm happy being single and getting comfortable in my own skin and my ever changing body.

Being pregnant doesn't scare me anymore. I heard the heartbeat of this victim of circumstance at my last doctors visit and realized that there must be a reason that this happened. There is a human being growing inside of me... Something that is part me, and part of someone I once loved, is preparing itself to come into the cruel world, and I'm going to do the best I can and be the strongest person that I know I can be to give this child the best life it can possibly have. I will love it like any other mother has loved a child. And for once, love will never go away.

Despite rumors, I didn't leave Florida because I was pregnant. I had booked the ticket two weeks before I found out that I was, and knew that I still needed to go home. I knew the life I wanted was not with the one that I was with at the time, or in the place I was at. I still love seashells and palm trees and the ocean... But I needed mountains, snow and family.

I realized that the only reason I was staying was for someone else... Someone that I still don't see a future with even though I am carrying his child. I still care about this person very much, but I know that they are not the one for me... Hopefully I will find the kind of love that I once had. True love that makes your heart skip a beat when you think about them even after being with them for years, and where you know with out a doubt that you are meant to share a happily ever after with them. The kind of love where you do stupid things and the other person doesn't care. The kind where you know you can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

"I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - yeah, it's another Grey's reference... Shut up. That's the kind of love I want. And one day I can have it again.

I've had it once, and once you know that feeling, and you know the difference between making love and just having sex, there isn't anything else like it. In a way you feel empty without it, but once you know that kind of feeling, that kind of love, it's better to not have anything than try to pretend the feeling is there.

Yeah, my living situation now isn't all that great. After living on my own for three years, it's not fun to go back to living with a parent, especially one that doesn't approve of the life you've been living and is trying to convince you that they are fighting a battle against Satan for your soul. One day, everyone will be able to accept other peoples differences and the world will be at peace... maybe. It just sucks that it's this close to home.

Some days are better than others, but honestly, considering my circumstance, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I'm taking classes to start a career as a nursing assistant, and will hopefully continue on to become a full blown nurse. I have a roof over my head, and a full fridge and pantry. I have friends that have been with me through everything, and a family that is being a lot more understanding that I ever thought they would be. And most of all, I have taken all the experiences I have had in my life, and learned from them. Bitter feelings against other people that have hurt me and walked all over me in the past are gone, and instead of being angry, I have taken into consideration the place that those experiences have taken me and the lessons I have learned. I've picked the weeds and kept the flowers, if you will. Of course I'm not going to be as trusting of everyone as I once was... every thing that has happened to me so far has made me stronger and is going to effect the decisions I make every day for the rest of my life.

It may take years to realize who I really am and come to self actualization, and it may never happen at all. But for once in my life, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I feel like everything is going to be okay. And I didn't need anyone else to tell me. I came to the conclusion by myself, which is a mighty achievement.

This goes out to everyone... The people I will meet, the people I will never meet, the ones I have loved and lost, the ones who have ripped out my heart, the ones who have walked all over me, the ones who were rooting for me all along, and the ones that doubted me and said I could never make it. The fighters, the lovers, the friends, the enemies, the family, the people who I have lost contact with over the years... anyone who I have had the pleasure to meet or even just receive a simple smile from. The one I have shared life's most intimate moments, and shared my heart with...

... Thank you. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. If it wasn't for you and the footprints you left on the beach that is my life, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have made the decisions that lead me here, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. Thank you for making me keep breathing, smiling, loving, thinking, and surviving.

I wouldn't be me with out you.

Monday, August 11, 2008

My mom... (I'm venting)

She is a great lady.  She really is.  But sometimes she can drive me crazy.

Even before I got pregnant we had problems.  I feel like she says a lot of things to try and make me feel guilty about the way I live my life or about things that I have done in the past.  She tries to put me on guilt trips to make me feel like I am a bad daughter, rather than believe that she was a bad mother.  

I don't believe I'm a bad daughter.  But she is starting to show her true colors when she makes everything that is going on in my life about her.  I don't drink, smoke, have sex, or get pregnant because she wasn't a good mother.  What makes a good mother is the reaction to events that take place in your child's life.  Instead of constantly trying to make them feel sorry, hold things over their head, or constantly put them on guilt trips, a mother should try and give the best support and unconditional love they can.  Instead of saying catty comments that make their child want to be nowhere near them, try to bring them closer by showing you love them and care about them.

She causes so much emotional pain that I do not need right now.  I'm pregnant and in need of love and support.  Not constant emotional abuse.  Why the hell should I feel sorry for my mother because I got pregnant?  I shouldn't!  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  Why should I feel sorry for my mom and feel guilty for choices I've made in my life?  I shouldn't.  At all.  It's not fair for any child to be treated this way, especially when they need their mother to be there for them the most.

I hope I'm not being too over dramatic.  I do appreciate her help, and she has been helping me with finances, but when it comes to holding a conversation about anything I don't feel comfortable.  I'm scared it will turn into some religious battle on why I live my life the way I do.  I care about her and I want her to be happy, but she really isn't treating me very well.  I've been trying as hard as I can to do the best I can, then she goes into how she's having a hard time with her self esteem.  With the way she's been talking to me, I've been having self esteem issues too.  How could someone not have them when their mother tells them that she is fighting a battle against Satan over her soul?  No, seriously.  That's exactly what she said.

I really hope that I am not this way with my child.  I'm supposed to get up in about six hours for my first day of class but she started all this shit right before I tried to go to bed... No, while I was already in bed, she calls me out over and over again to say more shit.

Seriously?  Seriously.  Why am I still trying to live here and work things out when she keeps saying the things that she does?  Should I just sit here and let her treat me this way?  I've tried to tell her how she makes me feel when she says these things to me, and she tears me down.  I can't even stand up for myself.

I need to be around people that surround me with positivity and encouragement... not people that constantly try to tear me down and make me feel about about myself or for them.  She really is making it all about her.  She even wrote something in a "journal" that she had sitting out.  It was an analysis of my situation.  And how it involves her.  I understand that it involves her, but the things that she said were uncalled for.  It was an over-analysis of everything I've said and done and how I've lived my life in general.  She had no right to analyze that.

And she found some thing that I wrote years ago when I was venting about something she said.  YEARS AGO.  She found it and printed it after I wrote it, but she freaked out because I read a journal that was all about my life.  The thing she wrote was not venting.  It's totally different.

I'm really hurt by her and the things she has said and done.  It's just the way she is though.  It's painful, and I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore.  But I do, because I have nowhere else to go.  She has made it so I have to live with her.  She won't let me get a job until classes are over, because it will be too much stress on me and the baby.  This bull shit she is making me put up with is too much stress on me and the baby.  Are you fucking kidding me?  She's taking money out of some random account to help me pay for everything, and won't let me work when I need to start saving up money for this new life that is coming into my world.  What the hell?  Good God.

No one should live in a house where they cry themselves to sleep every night.

That's all I gotta say for now.  It's time to try and rest up for my first day of class, even though she made it damn near impossible.

Friday, August 8, 2008

the magic of love

Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.

Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.

It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.

For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.

A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.

I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.

One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes

It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.

This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.

For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?

Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.

"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."