dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed i could...

Okay... So I've already said that I don't know why I keep posting blogs that are like letters to you. I know that you will never read them. Ever. Once upon a time, you used to, but I know that you won't even glance their way again. But here's another one... So here it goes.

I had another dream about you last night. Every time you creep into my sleep, your ghost follows me around for at least a week. Not fair. It makes me wonder if I have this same effect on you... if you ever dream about me, which would be a way for your subconscious to unwillingly get me into your head, because that's what it does for me. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me?

Your life is so different now from what I hear. You're a totally different person. And that boy that I gave my heart to is gone. He took it and ran, giving me the seashell skeleton key only recently, and taunting me to find it again so I can unlock it and love like I've never loved before.

You have someone else, or you did last I heard. You're supposedly happy living your life under a different name than the ones that really knew you used to call you. You've changed your clothes, your personality... everything. I don't know you.

But this person that I knew keeps haunting me. The ghost of who the world once knew you as is following me around. He slips on those brown boots and walks into my mind when I'm asleep, and when I least expect it. Every time, I can feel his arms around me, I can smell that familiar smell that we used to have after hours of laying next to each other, and I can feel the warmth of his body... It's like he's right there, holding me like he used to. I wake up, and he's gone. The words that he said still echo in my head, and it will for days after the dream has happened...

"I'm okay, but I need you right now."

Is this one of the dreams that we used to have together? Back in the day, we would dream similar things... Our little boy said goodbye to you days before he left. We get this sense that something isn't right with the other person, and that's when we would reach out and finally say something... words of encouragement, or just a simple hello. But I can't do that now. I know that if I write to you, or if I try to find you, my head will get messed up all over again. I can't tell you to your face that I still love you and care about you, and that you are constantly on my mind no matter how much I beg for you to leave me alone. I can't ask if you're okay. I can't tell you in any way, shape, or form... especially if hearing from me has the same effect on you that the reverse has had on me.

I want so badly to reach out to you and start talking... be friends. But the thought of you being so different, and being with someone else... God, it tears me up inside. I wish I didn't have to write this stupid stuff to get my thoughts down. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could slap you in the face, give you a good hearty shake, and tell you to snap out of it and go back to being you. But this new you, may be the real you. And I don't know that person.

The day before Thanksgiving marks the two year anniversary of us officially not being together. It was the final break up. The other times since then we've just talked about getting back together, and started to go through the motions... then you would disappear again. This time of year is always hard for me... It puts you on my mind.

I need to not let you get to me anymore. I may not be able to stop the dreams, but I can let them not ruin me. Right now is the time to prove to myself and to the world, including you, that I am a strong person. That my head is on straight, and that I can do anything. I need to move forward with my life and show the world I can. And I need to do it alone. I need to be as independent as possible. I can totally do it.

Everyone has that "one that got away." I wish mine wasn't you.



"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seem if I just dream
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years
Fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye'.

look how cultured I am... I totally just quoted Phantom of the Opera in my blog.

So, strap on your brown boots. Stomp through my dreams. Do your worst. Torment me, torture me, and remind me what I had and lost. I'm determined to handle it and let it make me a stronger person. I will always love you. But when or if the next love comes into my life, it will be greater than anything I've ever known. I'll find my heart, and use that seashell skeleton key to unlock it. I will call FEMA and make them hurry up and repair the damage from your hurricane in a quick and efficient manner, and make some updates along the way. I will investigate the ghosts you keep throwing at me, and learn what they want me to learn. I will repair the damage done to the car that somehow crashed.

If anything, you were here to teach me a lesson. And I'm going to learn whatever it is.

the good thing that comes when you're not looking...

Today has been a pretty good day. This week, actually, has been going rather well.

I had an interview for a job, and found out the next day that I totally landed it. I wasn't supposed to find out for another week! It's only housekeeping, but it's for the company I want to be working for and there is a lot of room for me to work my way up. Once I'm done with school, which hopefully won't take very long, I'll get the job I want a lot easier if I'm already in the company... And the people that work there seem really cool. They all love what they do, and that makes it even better.

I love hospitals... It's weird. I never liked them before, but now the idea of being in one every day doesn't bother me at all, and I'm actually looking forward to going back and learning what I can. Anatomy and physiology totally intrigue me... I'm so excited to get started in school again too. Once I do, that is. Things just been working out how they need to and it's great. Life seems to be moving in the right direction.

The baby is doing well. She's kicking like crazy, and practicing some form of gymnastics or karate in there! That's another part of life that has caught my interest. I can't wait to be a nurse. I feel like I finally realized what I'm supposed to do. Anyway... The baby is doing awesome. I'm still thinking of names... and I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that soon, this little thing that has been growing inside me will be in my arms, and it will all seem so real. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. But one day, she'll be here. I'll be a mom. I never thought that it was going to happen... Well... Maybe. But just in a different order. I'm okay with it all though. Things happen for a reason. She may be the best thing in my life.

I had a dream the other night that I haven't been able to shake... The feelings... The smells... I felt it all. I could even smell what was going on, and I remember every little detail. I was sleeping in my bed (in the dream and in real life... anyway....) The famous guy with the brown boots was standing by my bed and I woke up.

I asked if he was okay, and all he said was - 'I'm always okay. I just really need you right now.' So I said 'Okay.' And he undressed like he always did, and climbed into bed with me. No sex. No words. Nothing. And that was all that I needed. I could smell his familiar scent, I felt his body against mine, and all the emotions and senses that I had every time I was in his arms. It all felt so real... and it was real intimacy. The kind that I've been craving and have been trying so hard to find from someone else... unsuccessfully. I felt like he was really there, that he was in bed with me and that our bodies were intertwined like they always were when we shared a bed. It never mattered how hot we got. When we woke up the next morning, we were still totally wrapped up in each other. But when I woke from this dream, he wasn't there. I was alone, and my room was cold. And my heart sank. It's been that way for over two years... Every time I think about this dream, tears come to my eyes. I keep thinking that I've lost that feeling for good....

Which could very possibly not be true at all. One day, I may find that special someone that makes me feel what I did before. But I've been trying so hard to find it, and it always has seemed forced. No guy has looked at me the same way, held me the same way, or gave me the butterflies that I've wanted to have again so badly.

But I've been so terrified that if I don't at least try, I'll never find it again. At the same time, I get even more scared that I will end up with the wrong person. All around me, people are getting married and divorced, breaking up and getting back together... having kids. My heart has just felt so destroyed that it may never get repaired.... unless I fix it myself.

I had a long talk with my neighbor... He's this super awesome forty-something divorced father of two. No, we're not dating. And no, we're not into each other in that way at all. We are both pretty much the only people in the neighborhood that aren't totally Mormon. We have tattoos, enjoy a good glass of wine, and can tell dirty jokes like nobody's business.... Anyway - with all that set aside, we had a talk while we were killing bunnies on the Wii.

I mentioned my fears of never finding love again, and that I knew I would never find anything unless I tried. He seems to always tell me things that I need to hear, and it's not just stuff I need to hear. It's stuff that is totally correct too that I just have problems convincing myself to believe.

He said, 'Now is not the time to worry about finding love. Soon, you will have one of the greatest loves ever known, and it will trump the love you had for Brown Boot. Right now, you need to focus on you, the baby, your career and school. You're young and you have a great chance of finding that love you deserve once again, but you can't go looking for it. Your life is starting to line up how it's supposed to and you're going in the right direction for you. Don't get distracted. Your knight in shining whatever will ride up on his horse or Porsche or whatever it is he's driving and will sweep you off your feet, but it will be when the time is right. You may know him, you possibly haven't even heard a whisper of him yet, but he's there and he'll come when the time is right. Be patient, and focus on you and what you need to get done to make you the best person you can be.'

Which is something I knew all along... I've been trying to convince myself that for about two years now. It just takes other people to keep drilling it into my head for me to finally get it. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll never hear from him again. But what happened between us did happen, and I won't take those memories back for the world. We're not playing 'Eternal Sunshine' with this shit. The memories are there to stay... I just can't let them effect me and ruin my life. I try a new relationship, and he gets into my head and won't get out. When that person becomes 'the one' they take your mind of the person that used to be 'the one'... right?

So here's the plan... I'm going to focus on me. Totally selfish, I know... but shut up. The world will be better off if I'm less dark and twisty. Focus on me... the career, the job, the money, the baby I'm about to have, and my friends... It's totally cool to make new ones. But when 'the one' comes along, the right one, my life will be going in the right direction and I'll be in a place where I can be with someone, and finally be happy, and have my version of a happily ever after.

No more insecurities. No more second guessing. No more trying to find love, because that becomes a distraction, and I always end up with a total ass every time. When the time is right, and when the right person comes I will know.

The best things come to those who wait... and to those who aren't even looking for them at the time. :D