Monday, April 19, 2010

only time will tell...


I've been in this weird place, and I've been trying to figure it out. A very mild dark and twisty place. I'm not extremely depressed. Just randomly sad. And thinking about it makes me mad because I want to know what it is.

I'm okay with where I'm at right now. School. Work. Baby. Where I live. But something is missing. A relationship?

I'm finally at that place where I know I don't need someone. And that's where I wanted to get. I wanted to make sure that before I got with someone new, I had my head on my shoulders. And it's on my shoulders, fastened tight. I'm figuring out who I am and what I want in life, just like any person at my age.

I want someone that takes my breath away.

I had that. I kind of still have it. And I'm ashamed to admit it sometimes.

I think about him, and suddenly I can't breathe. My head gets foggy and I feel like there should be tears in my eyes, but they stay dry. It takes a moment to catch my breath, and then I try to make up for the lack of oxygen with deeper breaths. And then I feel relatively normal.

Like I've said before... "I miss you less with each deep breath, but then there's times when I can't breathe and I'm back where I started again."

He and I are together in my dreams. I feel his arms around me, and I feel someone loving me passionately. I even feel it when I'm awake. I feel like someone is loving me as much or more than this person. But is this person I feel the same person that I think it is? Or is it someone totally new that I haven't met yet?

When I met him, I thought that was it. I thought I was done. I had met that person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The search was over. Happily ever after was on the horizon.

And yes, I'm talking about damn Brown Boot. And I'm not happy about it. Because it's in the past. It's not something that should still be on my mind.

For some sick, twisted reason, I have hope lurking in the back of my mind. I know I don't need him. I know I should be over him by now, because it's been what... Like... over three years? I should be over it by now, but *NEWS FLASH* I'm not. It sucks. I want to slap myself.

I hate that he still gets in my head. I hate that my thoughts still drift off to him when I least expect it. I hate that we aren't together right now.

But we're not. And I'm dealing.

I'm still here, breathing.

I still go about my life, day to day, without him in it and I'm okay. I see him, randomly. I play it cool, like it's not a big deal. Because it shouldn't be. We're somewhat friends and I would rather have him a small part of my life, than have him not in it at all.

The relationship I had with him shaped me into who I am. Everything I have gone through has shaped me into this person that survives on her own. A single mother, who works and goes to school full time. A woman that is living her life with her head on her shoulders. But that person still makes my head spin. He shouldn't. It's been YEARS.

It's not healthy.

I honestly am okay with my life. I like that I don't need someone else. I don't need another person to be my whole source of happiness. Just someone who adds to it.

I can have that. I have potential to be amazing, whether I'm with someone or not. And once I have that someone who is worth my time, we will be extraordinary together.

If this person isn't Brown Boot, I know they will make me forget about him. This person will blow Brown Boot out of the freakin water.

Who is that person? Have I even met him yet?

Only time will tell.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

we all need a moment. to scream.

I kind of wish I got pictures of it...


She was running around the apartment, picking up things just to throw them. Screaming just to scream.

I let her let it out.

She kept picking up her blanket just to throw it down as hard as she could. She pulled things off the shelf, because she could.

And she screamed for 45 minutes.

I tried to hold her, tried to snuggle her and calm her down. But, no. She pushed herself away from me.


I let her run and scream and cry and throw her temper tantrum. Because what else could I do? Every once in a while, we all just need a chance to scream. We get angry with the world, and want to yell at all the stupid people. When we're little, we have the chance to go crazy and scream without people looking at us with a raised eyebrow. With children, it's okay for them to stop their feet and yell at the top of their lungs because they want THAT candy bar.

So I let her. Silently, with my arms folded. I let her scream. I didn't yell back. I calmly told her she needed to stop and calm down, and kept trying to hold her.

And before long, she was done being mad. She was done yelling and screaming. And then she crawled into my arms and played with my hair while we watched Winnie the Pooh's Blustery Day.

And it was quiet.

And all was right with the world.

And next time I have the urge to scream, I'm going to. You can look at me all weird if you want to. But we all just need the chance to scream.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

springing forward...

Ahhhh.... blogger. How I've missed you!

I really need to get better at posting, and I know I say that, like... Every time I post. But I mean it! Therapy. Breathing. My fingers going on keys a million miles an hour... Getting thoughts out of my head and down somewhere where my mind may remember looking one day... It's good for you, really. Seriously.

So... Living in my new apartment has been awesome. I'm not really sure what all I said the last time I posted... I could look that up I guess, right? Okay... gimmie a minute...


Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still living the in the same apartment, and have been working on making it more... Home. I recently took Tegan down to Liberty Park to take a bunch of pictures and feed the birds. Seagulls are vicious, by the way... They pick on all the other birds, no matter what size they are, and try to steal all the food. Mean, cruel creatures.

But the pictures turned out great! I got some blown up and they are currently hanging on my wall. I'm still working on making my apartment more of a home than just a place I live. I have all these ideas floating around in my head... But I don't want to get to attached to this place, because at some point, I want to get out of here and get my own place. A place that's mine. A place I can paint and decorate and not worry about having to paint it all back when I'm done. Kind of like a forever home... But it doesn't even have to be forever.

I don't want a white picket fence. I want a small house that has character. A place I can decorate and make look... I don't know how to explain it. A house and a dog and a man to do all the yard work... Even if I have to hire him, and end up calling him Jose, instead of "Honey..." Kind of.

I'm still at that place in my life where I feel happy being by myself. It's hard, and the body pillow doesn't snuggle half as well as a human could. But I needed to get to that place. After having Brown Boots by my door and at the foot of my bed for years, I needed to get used to not having them there. I needed to be okay with being my own person and not feeling dependent on someone else for my happiness. I need to remember the reasons I got my first two tattoo in the first place, and keep that reason alive. Build your happiness on your own so when that someone else comes, you'll be ready, and when that someone leaves, you won't be in a miserable shithole like you were before.

That was the lowest of lows... And I NEVER want to feel that way again.

Now you're all going.... "Okay Oprah. Will you step off your soap box now?"

My response...? Maybe. But have that soap box ready, because I'll step on it again.

When I stand on my soap box and look back on my life, I realize how far I have come from the person I remember. How far I came from that person who was sobbing on her knees in the parking lot in the rain when she found the spare key on the coffee table and a note saying that he couldn't do it anymore. That coffee table has come a long way too, because I have in in my apartment now. It was there for a lot of things that I thought I had forgotten... The many phone calls I had with my toes resting on the edge... Drinks shared with someone. A night spent snuggling on the couch, because even though you were totally wrapped in someone's arms and it was really warm, you were too comfortable and content to move... But memories keep coming up and reminding me of who I was and what happened to make me who I am.

There are no mistakes, just learning experiences. No regrets... We have experiences to make us learn from the hell we go through. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... bla bla bla. It's true. There are so many times when Brown Boot left that I felt like my life is over. Brown Boot is gone now. And I'm still here. Still breathing. Still living.

To the fullest, I might add.

School is seriously kicking my butt. *I think I can I think I can I think I can....*

Just a few more weeks left, and I'll have a break! I already signed up for classes this summer. Don't worry... Nothing big! Photography and Art History. Both of which, I will be extremely happy to take. It will be fun to play around and get college credit for it.

Work has been insane. Literally. I might as well work in a psych ward. Things seem to be going better, though. Slowly. It makes me rethink the direction I want to go in my career... I keep flip flopping.... Nursing, teaching, nursing, teaching... I can't decide. I think I need to take more generals before I decide. I may end up doing something totally different than either one of those. Marine Biology is still in the back of my mind... Marine Biology and Oregon. Ocean, mountains, and beach.

I'm working on my tattoo too! It looks so much better than it did before. And it's going to wrap up and around my shoulder! So excited! Here... look... It looks huge, because it is. And its going to take a while to finish it, but it will look amazing when it's done. My other side is going to be a whole, "home is where the heart is" theme. Mountains, seagulls, ocean, palm trees, and snow. Happy me!

I have found time to hang out with friends. Found time, made time... whatever. Time was found and made for friends, and I keep meeting new people all the time! I actually spent some time with an ex of an ex. An ex of Brown Boot, specifically. The girl after me.

Which wasn't scary. Go ahead, raise your eyebrows. We ended up enjoying each others company and bonded. We became friends. She took adorable pictures of Tegan and I, and has a great eye for capturing random shots. And she's beautiful. And funny. And amazingly awesome.

I've decided that girls use boys as an excuse to not have more friends that are girls. It's our own fault. It really is. We need to let the boys ruin their own lives and be friendly with our own species. Have girlie time. Eat chocolate and drink wine and bitch and bond about what matters most. And that would be us. We get so caught up in our lives and all the drama, that we forget to take two seconds and breathe... Two seconds to remember that we are human, and we need to treat ourselves and take time for ourselves... It's okay to be selfish here and there. You need to be.

Still no relationship. In case you couldn't tell. I don't think I've met that person that the relationship with Brown Boot prepared me for. But if I don't meet them, that's okay... Remember the whole, happy on my own thing? I think I'm really almost finally there.