ready or not, here i come...

I love my job. I don't care about the hours, or that I have to sleep in the back of my mom's car for an hour before my shift starts (hopefully that will change soon... keep your fingers crossed!). I know it's not a super incredible job.... I clean patient rooms, and keep things tidy for the staff. Yeah, I'm a housekeeper. But I'm more than fine with it! It's a step in the right direction. It has benefits. It's in a hospital, and it's exactly where I want to be. Sometimes, when you want a career somewhere, you have to start at the bottom. At least I'm not doing food service crap anymore. I can't wait to be a nurse... Life seems to be going in the right direction.

The people I work with are awesome. We laugh every day, and make sure that we have a good time. There's a sense of respect. And everyone is happy to be there... Even though it's early in the morning, we're tired and the patients don't always want to be there. Every one has a smile on their face.

The baby has been driving me crazy! My boobs are getting bigger, to match my growing belly. She gets up into my ribs, and when she moves down low, I can feel it in places I didn't know I could feel things like that. And if you watch closely, you can see her move on the outside. She's stretching and growing, and my belly button has gone from an innie, to an inbetweenie, to what now looks like a little slit. And I'm more than okay with all of it. It's what is supposed to happen. I'm having a baby girl. I'm going to be a mom. I'm terrified that I'll mess it up, but at the same time I'm excited to take care of this little human and watch her grow, mature... change. I keep having dreams about her being here. I'm not sure what she'll look like, and that kinda scares me... but in all the dreams, it's just the two of us and we're happy. That's what matters. One day, hopefully, I'll be a nurse and we'll live downtown.

Tegan Kaidence Dawn Smith... I think that's seriously what her name will be. It's a mouthful, but it seems to fit.

I'm still not planning on having a guy around, and right now it's better that way. There is not need to rely on a man for my happiness. I have a lot more to focus on and worry about than that. Why set myself up for disappointment? I'll be sad if I plan on meeting some awesome guy who will love my daughter and will fall in love with me in a way I've never known, and then he never shows. I know he may be out there somewhere. But I'm not going out to find him. I've still got to get my life in order first. One day, we'll be ready for each other, and things will fall into place like they have been already.

I'm so happy to be surrounded my mountains. Several times a day, I look out the window and it takes my breath away. The world I'm surrounded by is so amazing and beautiful... And I never want to take it for granted again. I can't wait to take Baby Tegan camping and hiking... I can't wait to get on a snowboard again. I can't wait to take her for walks around downtown Salt Lake. I can't wait to start my life with her and show her how amazing this world really is.

I don't mind living with my mom for now. Her dogs snuggle me all the time and she cooks great food. She's finally letting me be me and she's stopped trying to make me turn to Jesus. She knows that's not who I am and it's nice... I don't mind not having a car. I just know that things are lining up so that I can be happy. So we can be happy. Happily ever after takes a long time to get and it's different for everyone. Right now it's a journey. And it doesn't seem like there is a final destination right now. Now matter what happens, I know that I'll be working towards something better all the time.

That's what life is all about... Constantly improving yourself and your life, even though you're okay with where you're at. There is nothing bad with wanting more... As long as you're happy with what you already have, and you don't take the little things in life for granted. Anything is possible. And I'm sure Baby Tegan will be happy once she gets here... 13 weeks. I can't believe it.

So I'm happy with my life. There is always room for improvement, and it's so much easier when you know what improvements can be made and you know how to get there. My life is getting ready to start. And I can't wait.

Ready or not, here I come life! And I'm excited about it.