Monday, June 21, 2010

I've got a feeling...

I'm not saying I'm psychic by any means... whatsoever. But there are moments. Moments when I feel something. I meet people and I get an instant read on them. Kind of like the "Lemon Law" as described in How I Met Your Mother. Within five minutes, I get feelings from people.

I meet them, and I can sense something. It can be with friends, or guys on dates... guys my friends are dating. It has actually happened with several guys I have dated once upon a time. I met them, and I knew something big was going to happen with them. Or it wasn't.

With Brown Boot, I thought I could end my search. I thought I found the one I was going to spend my life with. I had a feeling, that my relationship with him was going to be the biggest one I would ever have. So far, it has been. It's been the longest by far, and shaped me more than any other relationship.

With Tegan's father, I handed him my job application, and I knew that one day he would be more than my manager. I knew something was going to happen with him, but until after I left Florida, I didn't understand what it was. It wasn't that I planned on him giving me a daughter... I just knew something big was going to happen with him.

There have, of course, been relationships in between.... But, honestly, they didn't give me as big of a feeling as these two did. Some of you may read this and think that it's harsh... But when I kept saying that something was missing? It was this feeling. The feeling of knowing. The butterflies. The smile I get every time someone mentions their name... Contentment. Bliss. All that has been missing in almost all of my relationships. Even on dates, I can tell if something is going to happen with the person sitting across the table from me. And yes, sometimes that feeling is there in the beginning... But I'm looking for that feeling to stay. I'm looking for it to linger.

Once upon a time, I had that feeling with Brown Boot. I didn't realize it was totally gone until recently. And I haven't been going out and looking for it. I've been content with my life, and doing whatever it is that I have been doing that has been keeping me so busy.

Then one day... Someone showed me a picture.

I was literally speechless.

My breath had been sucked out of my lungs, in a good way.

And I got butterflies.

Those three things have not happened at the same time in a long time.

I instantly wanted to know more... I asked her more questions... I waited to see who would contact who first... I waited.

And waited.

And waited....

And felt like I was going to explode.

The feeling was still there. This guy was on my mind a lot, and I had no idea who he was... Then the e-mails started. We weren't even flirting. We were honestly getting to know each other, asking questions and giving a version of ourselves in a nutshell. And the feeling was still there. I was getting nervous about meeting him....

Well, after a couple weeks of talking we finally met for a one hour lunch.

He was waiting around the corner, in front of the restaurant that we were going to meet at right on time. I planned on being a couple minutes late, and had been planning my entrance. Nothing big, nothing dramatic... Just something to show that I was being casual. That I wasn't nervous. I didn't want him to see that I was really wanting to burst, because I had never been around someone so attractive, down to earth, and nearly everything I was looking for.

When I turned the corner and saw him there, I spotted him out of a crowd. I took a couple steps back and fixed myself in a window, took of my glasses, and came back around strutting my stuff and placing my glasses in my purse, texting at the same time. See? I'm awesomely casual, and I can multitask. In heels. I was doing some serious strutting too. My shoes were huge and sexy. I wore my hair down so I could toss it and play with it, show off my flirty side. And it totally worked. I looked cool and casual, like meeting this guy wasn't a big deal.

Lunch blew me away. We talked. We laughed. We smiled. And everything was just... amazing. I can't even explain it. This guy seems too good to be true. We've shared our drama, all the crap we've been through, and it just made me like him more. It made me see that he learned from all the crap that he's seen, and he made it turn him into a better person.

Blown away. In total shock that he's even talking to me....

And I have a feeling.

I'm still waiting for the "Oh..." moment. Another HIMYM reference...

Barney: The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal “oh” moment.
Marshall: The “oh” moment?
Barney: “Yeah. The moment you find out that one detail about the person that’s gonna be a deal breaker. So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.”
Ted: “I disagree. If there’s some potential “oh” moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean what’s the alternative?”

The "oh" moments that would have bothered me about someone else haven't bothered me with him.... Because it's made him what he is. And I like what I see.


I have a feeling. A very good feeling.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.


You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.

(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

My Disney Princess

Yes. Lame title. Shut up.

Let me explain something to you.

Everyone has their favorite Disney Princess. They really do. Any child or adult that grew up with Disney influence with Disney culture, or even went to school where other kids were carrying around backpacks with Disney characters on them.... Bla bla bla, let's just face it. Disney crap is everywhere. And every girl wants to be a princess, and Disney has a princess for everyone.

I will tell you which one is the best. (Yes, there is a best.)

Sleeping Beauty.

But because she actually slept through the whole movie and someone else did all the work. But because of the prince. He actually gave a damn. He fell in love with a girl below his class and went after her anyway. When he found out his dad had arranged for him to marry some other girl, he refused and chased after her. When said princess was the poor girl that lived in the woods, he went after her and fought a DRAGON so he could kiss her and wake her up.

He wasn't just like, "Meh, whatever. I hardly know this girl and my dad wants me to marry some other chick.... so... I'll just go with what will make my dad happy."

No freaking way. He did what it took to get the girl. He refused to marry someone else. He risked his life for her.

That is why it she is my favorite Disney Princess. It just happened to be extreme luck that they ended up being together and living happily ever after. Whatever that means.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Summer nights....

I forgot how much I loved summer time... I know technically it isn't here yet, and spring/summer weather in Utah is kind of bipolar... like snow in May? Psh.

But days when it is so nice a beautiful outside, followed by a beautiful clear and warm night... *sigh*

I've missed those nights. I've missed the days where I could be lazy. I have such fond memories of laying in a hammock in someone's backyard and talking all day and night. The simplicity. The intimacy. The pure bliss that came from really feeling loved.

Summer nights remind me of those times. Not necessarily the person, although until recently he was on my mind a lot... Just simply the feeling. It is actually a very rare occasion when I do think about him, and I like that it's finally that way... I finally know my world still turns without him. And I'm happy alone. :) <-------(look at me being happy....)

The ability to breathe and feel the air rush into my lungs. The ability to stand outside at night and see the stars scattered across the sky. The smell of summer.... The thunderstorms. Relaxing on someone's front yard. The smell of developer and fixer on my clothes and fingers from class.

This day was just so.... simple. And the feelings that I associate with this simplicity are simple.... Simply complicated.

I remember what it felt like to be totally loved by someone else. I know I can find that again one day and I'm not too worried about being in a rush to find it now... every time I have tried to start a fairy tale something has been missing. Something hasn't felt right.

And for once, something feels right.

I'm not with anyone right now. In fact, someone that was mentioned in a previous blog asked for a second chance. I already know I'm going to say no, not just because of what was said or because it took him so long to apologize and say he was wrong... not just because something was missing. Because I know he isn't right for me. I don't get that feeling.

I don't get the summertime deep breathing feeling.... the kind where you can smell the fresh grass clippings and watermelon and the heat from the pavement. The kind where you can close your eyes, inhale and smile.

For some reason, I correlate these feelings of love and summer time deep breathing. The idea of sleeping with my windows open remind me of a time when I was totally wrapped up in someone's arms and felt totally and completely in love. Just by breathing, I could feel total bliss.

Summer time makes me want simple and total love... is that too much to ask?

It will all happen in good time... Well, it better, or I'm going to be pissed.