Monday, December 28, 2009

It's Me O'Clock!

So.... I've decided to start a new thing.

I'm going to have a night time routine! Oh the wonders that could come from having a routine that one does every night! A complete regimen for beauty and personal mind/body health!

I'm kinda excited about it. Not gonna lie. Super stoaked!

I have had some issues with keeping up to date with the bliggity blog, and need to get better at taking some "me" time where I can just take an hour or two out of each day out for myself.... Because, well, let's face it... Being a mom, especially a single mom, can be difficult, and it's easy to forget yourself and put everyone else in front of you. AND... When you work in a hospital, constantly taking care of others, your needs tend to go on the back burner.

For example... The many times that you have worked an entire 12 hour shift without taking a lunch and you realize on the way out of the automatic front doors at the end of the day that you "forgot" to go to the bathroom after assisting others and reminding them to do so.... ALL DAY.

Admit it, you've done it. I know I have more than once. But... I did also go on a lot of road trips with my dad, and you learn how to hold it when you have to.

So here is the routine...

I get the little monster down for bed, after she has her bath and bedtime story and whatever... Then I watch whatever show happens to be on that night if that's what I want to do, and then the real "me time" kicks in. I've decided that Utah is a dry state, so I need to take some extra time and shower and lather the body up in lotion and get my hair ready for the next day. AND.... I even brush my teeth and put in my whitening trays, and I have a new face thing that I've started. Not like I need to get into details, but it feels nice. I've only done it a couple nights and it feels great.

After I do all that stuff, I take a minute and figure out where to go from there. You know what that gives me time for? BLOGGING! Something I need to get better at! Seriously.

I have also had an insanely productive day today. I went through everything and cleared out a lot of clutter from my room. I had a lot of it... But it was nice to get rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need. I will admit that I found some things that I didn't think I'd see again... Like the prom picture with Brown Boot.

And the key from our hotel room on prom night, which happened to be our one year anniversary. It was engraved with "Mr. and Mrs. Knowles, Little America Romance, May 7, 2005"


Even thinking about it now plays a montage of images from that night and our relationship.... The feeling that I knew who I would spend the rest of my life with, and how certain I was that this was the most amazing thing I would ever feel. It took my breath away. Like, literally. I couldn't breathe. I didn't think he had that effect on me still. But it's amazing how something, what, almost five years ago can still catch you off guard. You take life one breath at a time, and try to push that person out of your head, but they still creep in somehow. I still look at the mountains and remember how he would explain the way they formed to me... I see a sunset and I remember the construction site we used to go to on 1800 South to watch it set. I get a taste of chai on my lips, and remember the one month anniversary when I tasted it for the first time and he gave me that poem.

I didn't realize how much I thought about him... Which makes me wonder if he ever thinks about me the same way. If I randomly pop into his mind when he least expects it? I don't know.

Well, that's not the direction I wanted this blog to take... But whatever. Ha ha, see, that's how it happens! Every once in a while, he creeps into my head and then I can't stop.

There was something I wrote a long time ago that explained how it went...

"I miss you less with each deep breath,
but then there's times when I can't breathe,
and I'm back to where I started again"

Okay, done with that.


Christmas! It was not everything that I expected it to be. First off, that guy I was seeing? McArmy? Well, he can kiss my ass to be frank. He kept being all weird and distant and never tried to resolve anything even though he said he wanted to. You can talk about how you want to fix things until your face turns blue and rainbows come out your butt, but until you actually do something about it, I won't believe you. And that's what happened.

But Tegan had an amazing time. She didn't really get the whole Christmas thing, but she loved playing with her hairbrush, and she was so cute playing with her new toys! It was a really simple year this year, and hopefully she'll be more aware of the season and really understand what's going on next year.

I got lots of pictures! And finally uploaded a bunch! Here is the link for the pictures from the zoo. And here is the link for the pictures of all the festivities....

And I just got really sleepy.... But let's keep this routine thing up, shall we? Because I deserve some good "me time"

The positive note I'm ending this one this time? Another thought I had while I was making Tegan's scrapbook....

"Not every story begins with 'Once upon a time',
but they all deserve a shot at 'Happily ever after'."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

when a shadow of a doubt turns into a world of darkness...

It's been a while, yet again. And it seems like it's been years since I've posted. But a lot has happened. Again. Holy goodness, I have GOT TO get better at freakin' posting. That's right, I said freakin'. With no "g".

Sooooo...... Work is awesome. I love my job. I've lost some hours because Tegan got her first ear infection, but she's getting better. And she loves her day care! It's great! So clean and so nice. The kids I have seen there are awesome, and they all get along so well together! Hurray!! Tegan still is very friendly with everyone. When we went to the doctor for her ear infection, she crawled right over to him and sat on his lap. If only she knew...

She still has four teeth coming in on top and the other two sit strong on the bottom. She is very close to walking, and every once in a while can stand on her own. She has started to do this thing where she knows she's not supposed to do something and she'll do it anyway. Like, playing with the Christmas tree, or taking off with my Crackberry through her own little obstacle course... And then giggling, as if to say, "neener, neener, neener...."

With my health stuff... I recently went to the ER. Recently as in, this last week. I got really bad food poisoning, or something and got so dehydrated I was not really with it, so to speak. I got two bags of fluid and some antinausea meds and was on my way a couple hours later. Thank heaven for Zofran... seriously. And we're still working on the headaches. No brain tumors or anything. Just... Lots of pain. It's getting better, just slowly.

Oh, oh, oh! I got all signed up for my classes for Spring semester at the U! Woot! So super excited! Most of them are online, but I decided to take a biology course on campus so I could interact with humans that weren't sick or under the age of one. I've missed sitting in a classroom and taking notes... watching Power Point presentations and doodling on my notebook.... *sigh*

No, really. It's okay you can laugh. I've missed school like crazy! I've missed feeling productive and like I was learning something. At work, I learn new things every day, but that's not what I mean. I mean, serious studying. Bookworm style.

I can't believe Christmas is so close... That is part of what has kept me so busy. I've been all kinds of crafty, making my own stockings this year. Which isn't so bad, to be perfectly honest. I didn't use a pattern, and have just been putting things together. No measuring... It's like I see something in my head and make it come out in the fabric somehow. I've worked on four so far, and I'm almost done with all four of them. Just some finishing touches. I made on for the boy, one for his daughter, one for Tegan, and one for me. But... I got way too much fabric. I may end up making a quilt and a pillow... and maybe a tree skirt. Yes... Lots of fabric.

I also worked on Tegan's scrapbook. Which looks awesome! I got one of those books that has everything you need in it, and picked up a couple extra kits from Walmart, (Robert's was WAY too overwhelming....) and it looks so awesome!! I'm making this one for her first year, and then I'm going to start another one after her birthday. Happy happy face!

As for my personal life... Without including too many details... I'm getting scared that things with the boy won't work out. We can go on ahead and call the boy McArmy again, because... well... He's probably going to be back in the Army before we know it. Which isn't why it won't work out, by any means. I think it would be really good for him to get back into it. He would be a part of something. It would help him get to where he wants to go.... and he would make a lot of really good friends and memories. I'm totally behind him in going back.

I'm not scared it won't work out because I'm scared of commitment. Far from that. I finally got over Brown Boot.... (Let's face it kids, that's never gonna happen. Love stories don't always work that way... Read "On Love" by Alain de Botton.... It changed my perspective on relationships years ago and did me a lot of good.)

Okay, where was I? Right. I finally got past my issues that happened in past relationships. I realize when I see things I don't like, I understand why I feel the way I feel, and I try to talk about it and get the problem worked out.

And that's what's happening now.

At this current moment in time.... I haven't heard his voice in days.

We've hardly sent a text message to each other the past two days.

I'm giving him time and space to figure everything out. Which is the hardest thing I've had to do. That, and bringing up the problems in the first place.

I just knew I couldn't hold it all inside, which is what I used to do. I knew I wanted a healthy relationship... that I deserve it after all the shit I've seen and the even worse shit that I've been through. I owe it to myself and to my daughter to have someone that will be there for me when I really need them, and who really loves me and cares about me... and shows it. I deserve a healthy, long lasting relationship with someone amazing.

Which is what I was trying to do.

I'm not sure if I did it the right way. I just know that this stupid limbo bullshit has got to go. I hate not knowing what is going on, or if I'm even in a relationship right now. I haven't felt like I've been in one for a while... it's been hard. I've feel like I should be really hurting right now, but honestly? I just feel numb.

I saw all of this coming from miles away.... And I feel like a fool for waiting so long and ignoring the warning signs, and waiting too long to say something.... But at least I said something.

I hope it does end up working out. Somehow. I'm just afraid that once it's done it will never happen again. I'm tired of giving things a second, third, forth, or whatever number of tries, and having it not work out. Feeling like this is getting old.

Okay... I want to end this on a positive note somehow... Eh....

I got new mascara that I like!


Not so much.

No, I like the mascara. I mean, not so much with the whole ending this on a positive note thing. Stupid downer mood that I'm in.... Boo to that.

Let's just do this....