Saturday, August 29, 2009

Mad for Mad Men

he still wears those brown boots....

I totally had you sitting on the edge of your seat, didn't I? I just know your eyes were glazed over in shock when I wrote my last post and just left with another classic cliffhanger. I should have my own TV show. I could make it entertaining.... A combination of Scrubs, Grey's, and hell, let's throw in some Gilmore Girls and SATC. Why not?

Okay... How do I know he wears the same brown boots? Because I saw them... Here is what happened.

One night I was talking to my person about something... I'm not really sure what to be perfectly honest, and quite frankly it doesn't matter, but somehow Brown Boot came up and she mentioned she talked to him and that he was leaving. He had always talked about fixing up the sail boat in Georgia and traveling around the country on a motorcycle.... And he finally got that bike. He'll be gone by the end of this month.

He had always talked about leaving, and I knew it could happen one day, but when she mentioned that he was going to be leaving right before she came back home, which is another story in it's self, and that they were going to just miss each other, my heart moved up from my chest and started pounding in my throat.

Not like it should be a big deal. It shouldn't have a huge effect on me.... Not like I had seen him since I first moved to Florida over two years ago. We haven't been officially together for about 3 years this Thanksgiving. It shouldn't make me nervous. It shouldn't make me miss him more than I already did. It shouldn't make me remember the way that he kissed me, or how it felt to be in his arms.... It shouldn't matter.

But it did.

He and I had talked a few times. Random conversations here and there about movies and music and whatever. And that one talk we had during my friend's bachelorette party.... (and that one was a doozie... I'm not going to tell you what was said, sorry!) But in these conversations, one of us would always mention that we should see each other soon. And I wanted it to happen. I was just too chicken to bring it up myself or try to plan anything. No joke. For all I knew, I could have been growing feathers and a beak and working on hatching an egg in a hen house for farmer Jon.

The next day I had to run up to work for some stuff. And I knew I had a chance to see him... So I wrote him that morning....


Hours later I got a reply. He had bought his bike, had saved up the money, and he was going to be gone for a month, come back and hunt with his dad, and then head down to Georgia and fix up the boat... and be down there for possibly a year.

My heart jumped back into my throat. It shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter.... But it did.

I told him that I wanted to go for a ride on his bike and see him before he left. We always talked about it, why not do it?

And then he told me to come up to his house....

I was shocked. Totally stunned. I wasn't sure what to think. Seriously? Did that really just happen? I don't really know what I expected. I mean, I'm still shocked that we've been talking as long as we have, considering the things that had been said the night of the bachelorette party. He hadn't run off like he always did. He didn't stop talking to me, like he always did... Who was this person? I haven't met this guy... Had he really changed as much as everyone said he did?

So, I drove up to the frat house, parked and walked to the front door and called him. I hadn't dialed his number in so long... And when he answered the phone and I heard his voice... I melted. My heart was beating faster and I could feel my pulse down in my fingertips and toes... and I had to remind myself to breathe.

I walked in to the house, and noted that there were beer cans everywhere. The place was a total dump to be perfectly honest. They had just gotten the place and it was in desperate need of repairs and some decorations. They did have couches, and a shirtless brother was totally passed out on one. I didn't even wake him up while I was talking on the phone to Brown Boot.

I met him outside on the patio that was in the center of the house. It was surrounded by windows from both stories of the house. He was out there with some of the other brothers, smoking. Apparently they had a little party the night before, which explained him responding so late... and it also explained the dude passed out on the couch.

He looked amazing. He looked fit. He had the same smile in his eyes when I saw him... and he hugged me. I played it cool though... I was totally nervous, and I'm sure he could tell, but I kept breathing and survived to tell the tale. He introduced me to everyone and we sat down, and I noticed it... He was wearing the same brown boots. New clothes, but the same exact boots. The soles were worn down of course, but they were the same. And so was he.

But there was something different. I couldn't put my finger on it, and it intrigued me. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.

For most of the time other people were there. I saw one guy in his underwear, and one in a towel, and one that was totally naked because he couldn't find a towel. It helped break the ice, I guess you could say. Typical frat house to say the least.

We told stories from when we dated, and it was awesome to tell them together. That hadn't happened for years, and I was so used to just telling my side, and it was nice to hear what he had to say. We talked about our families and what we had been up to... Life. And it felt good. It didn't feel like it had been over two years since we had seen each other. It felt fresh. It felt amazing.

He kept asking me to go to lunch, but I knew I should go home. I would loved to have spent the entire night with him. I left for the baby, who has become the new love of my life.

He walked me out to see the old truck that we used to ride around in all the time... The steering wheel and stick shift was more worn than I had remembered it.... The second I looked inside I started having flash backs of him holding my hand and resting in on the stick shift. I remembered going camping and sleeping in the trailer bed. I remembered having our one month anniversary up by the Bountiful B with chinese food and my first taste of chai while sitting on the trailer bed and watching the sun set. I remembered the first night I met him, when I jumped on the tire and climbed to sit on top of the camper shell... and he tried to make me feel bad for kneeing his window.... I probably stood staring in the passenger window for less than 30 seconds, but the more memories flooded my brain.... I was praying that it wouldn't end up like Katrina.

His bike was pretty. Minus the duct tape. But it looked really nice and just like I imagined his bike looking. I still couldn't believe that he was leaving...

Like a gentleman, he walked me out front to my car. And kept trying to walk to the wrong one. And I spilled my guts. I told him that I stood by everything I said in our conversation at the bachelorette party. And that I was really hoping that I wouldn't have a nervous break down when I got home. And that he had set the standard for the other guys that I dated.... He told me that first love is a powerful thing, and the what really got me was the next thing he said...

He told me that he was sorry for ending things like he did, but he knew that at that time we couldn't be together. That we needed to grow up. And he knew he couldn't talk to me or see me for a while or else it we would end up back where we were. He had to make me hate him so that I could move on too. And he made it clear that there may be a chance in the future but most importantly...

He said he was sorry. And he meant it.

He said he wants to hang out again. We're ready now, I guess you could say.

He hugged me again, and I felt him the same way I felt him in my dreams. I smelled him again... And he smelled the same.

I got in the car and turned it on. And "Use Somebody" started playing on my CD player. Not helping. I took a deep breath. I cracked my knuckles. And I drove home.

I survived the whole thing! I haven't had a total nervous breakdown. I didn't crash. I didn't cry. A lot. I made it through seeing him. And it felt good. At the very least, I know that he and I could be friends. And that's good enough for me.

I finally understand it all. I get why he did what he did. It took me a long time to really get it, and to get over the pain he caused. But it made me stronger. And it made me better. It made me what I am today. And even though he hurt me more than anyone else, I could thank him for turning me into the person I am now.

Honestly, I could be with someone else. I know that if I found someone that I fell in love with the same way I fell in love with him, I could spend my life with that person.

But he still wears the same brown boots....

Friday, August 28, 2009

something about ducks in a row...


I haven't turned on my personal computer since I unpacked my things from Oregon. How long ago was that? About two months ago. Seriously? How on earth did I do that? There once was a point where I wouldn't go a day with out opening my antique of an iBook, and I realized that I actually had to look for my computer. I didn't know where it was... Seriously? Seriously. That has got to change. It was long over due for updates, and a little revamping.... New wallpaper, new settings, new updates... Fresh. It feels nice. And it moves faster than it did before too. Happy day! That's why I didn't want to use it much in the first place!

Tegan is in the crib, and is pretty much sleeping through the night. In her own crib. By herself. Sure, I still soothe her to sleep, but once she's in there, she sleeps like a rock. And it makes for a happy Mandy. It gives me time to open my computer, spend an hour updating it, and take the time to post something that doesn't sound crazy.

I can't believe how big she is getting! She's pulling herself to stand already and climbs all over the place. Bath time is the best time ever. I can put her in there with a few toys, and she'll splash around for ten minutes before she'll realize what she's in there for. She loves the water, just like her mommy. She giggles and laughs all the time, and is getting a lot of personality. I can't believe it! It makes me smile to know that I made her, and that I'm helping her learn and grow. With the help of some friends and family of course.... But she is part me. And I love her.

When I was getting ready for my first shift by myself last night at my new awesome job, she was playing around in the bathroom. I was trying to do my hair, and she was working on pulling down my pants, because that's the cute thing to do when you're a baby. When you're older, it's not something you can get away with as easily. She uses whatever she can to try to pull herself up to stand the best she can. She'll be walking before I know it... In about a week she'll be 7 months old... Good lord... I still can't believe it...

Anyway, she was working on pulling down my pants, and was doing the usual giggling baby babble that she always does when she's having fun. I looked down at her and this is what happened...

"Hey pretty lady! What are you doin' down there?"

My eyes got as wide as golf balls.

"What did you just say?"
"MOMOMOMOMOMOM!" Followed by a squeal and a giggle.

I was so excited! Her first real word! Kinda... Maybe. I had a huge grin on my face and I ran upstairs to show my mom and of course she just sat there. Like a baby. Laughed and smiled and all that, but no words.

But tonight on the other hand... We were going back downstairs after our neighbors had rang the doorbell and my mom was walking back into the kitchen. She turned to Tegan and did the usual, "I'm talking to a little thing" face and voice, and said "Hi!" and Tegan said it right back. No hesitation. She had a huge smile on her face and giggled again. My daughter is amazing. She's been saying "Mom" all day but not of course when I want her to do it. Things seem to happen when you least expect them.

She's been doing great staying with my neighbor, who is, no joke, officially dubbed the baby whisperer. They get along great! I wish that she could watch Tegan all the time. I really can't believe how big she's getting... Seriously.

So, let me give some details about the new job. I love it.

The people on my floor are awesome. I get along with them great! And it's not half as hard as I expected. I just need to work on my time management and get into a system, which always takes time at a new job. The paycheck isn't too shabby either. I'm getting a lot more than I did before and that makes everything so much more awesome. Not to mention several patients that tell me I'm going to be an amazing nurse. That makes it so much more meaningful. And I am constantly learning! I love it. It keeps my brain going.

The night shift is taking some getting used to for sure. But it's not as bad as other people say it is. Not to mention the pay increase. I do feel bad waking patients up to do what I need to do, but they don't seem to mind. They get used to the crazy workings of a hospital, just like I am.

Two patients last night had me laughing pretty good... Well, they all did, but I had two experiences that I think are okay to share.

There is an older gentleman, in his seventies, who I had worked with a couple times before. I went in at 4AM to get his vital signs, and when he woke up this is what happened....

"Oh, hello there Mandy. I was just having a dream about you."


"Oh really? What was it?"

He smiled a little bit, closing his eyes again and responded in his raspy sick voice, "It was like a movie."

"Like you were watching a movie?" At this point I was taking his blood pressure and about ready to leave the room because I wasn't really sure where he was going with it...

"Yeah. We were in this really old house and you knocked on the door with a bunch of other people and you were all running around trying to kill me......." And he laughed.

I had to admit, I laughed a little too. It was a lot better than the type of dream I was expecting him to tell me.

"Ha ha, I'm not going to try to kill you. I promise. In fact, I'm trying to do the opposite."

Drugs make you have crazy dreams.

My other patient that I had a bit of fun with was trying to set me up with the male nurse I was working with that night. Ha ha, too bad he's married. With four kids. So not gonna happen. But he was very nice and kept telling me I was amazing. And if I was 20 years older we could have gotten married.

Okay... Bed time. Now that I'm actually using my computer, I should hopefully try to post more. Motivation or something.... I'm still getting stuff worked out for Spring Semester at the U. Super excited! I haven't gotten my acceptance letter yet... but I'm pretty sure that I'm in because I went already a couple years ago. Oh oh! And next time, I'll have a very impressive update dealing with the brown boot. That's right, another cliffhanger. I'm sure I won't leave you hanging as long this time...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

for sale.... as is.

If I were to write the introduction that Carrie is usually seen typing on her Mac in the first scene of many Sex and the City episodes, it may read a little something like this....

I've been thinking of what my personal ad would say, should I write one. I'm not by any means saying that I'm going to put one out there, or that I've considered signing up for a dating website, because that's just crazy. What would I say about myself? What first impression would I want to give my possible significant other?

"single, white, female. Ginger. 22. Mother. Never married."

That itself kind of implys that I'm either crazy or I've been through some tough shit. Or a combination of the two.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized something more creative would suit me better...

"heart for sale. As is. SWF, 22, ginger, mother. One of a kind."

What does "as is" imply? That means I'm not going to fix anything about myself for another person. Should I decide to make changes myself after finding someone, I'll do it. But it could also mean that it's cheap and could break down at any moment.... I won't go into any more examples dealing with cars because honestly, I don't know any.

Furniture stores seem to have more examples that apply to the situation a little better. They have scratch and debt sales.... Prices get knocked down because someone accidently damages it in a small or big way. Okay, sometimes a cruel person will do it on purpose to knock the price down themselves. Boo to them. Seriously. Not cool.

But you see where I'm going with this.... When something is damaged, it's easier to lower the price to it sold. But sometimes when it's been through a lot, when it's older and has had some experience it's worth more. The water rings from cups being placed on them when there were no coasters, the dents and marks from being moved from house to house, or from people digging whatever into it or putting their feet on the edhe .... Bla bla bla. Any damage that it may see in it's existance gives it character. It means more to the person who actually owns it and it becomes priceless. The memories sometimes imprinted on the surfaces.... Someone may not notice each individual scratch and dent, but overall those damages that would knock down the price make it priceless. Gives it character. Makes it beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all...

So the key is to find someone who wants the scratches and dents. Who understands their beauty and importance. Someone who understands that they are there for a reason and they don't try to wear the surface down or buff the imperfections out.

I bet you didn't see me going that deep into some analogy dealing with furniture, did you? Totally caught you off guard. That's just how awesome I am. I'm not wearing anything hip or fancy, and I'm not writing in NYC, much less on a computer. But that had a little SATC in it if you ask me. Then again, it was another 12 hour day at my new awesome job. And I am very sleepy. I just wanted to write it out while it still made sense to me.

My job is awesome. My baby is beautiful. And I'm sleepy. I'll write more soon. Hugs and kisses.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I've hit Refresh and I like the results....

A whole new world of possibilities has opened its doors for me! That sounds uber cheesy, I know, but in a way it's true. Let's catch you up, because I keep saying I need to get better with posting and I'm still working on it... A new computer may help. But that takes money. We'll see....

Okie day! Job update!

I had my last day in housekeeping on Sunday. Super sad, I know I know... how will the toilets at UVRMC get cleaned now?! Someone else is going to have to do it. Everything happened so quickly with my new job, I'm not sure if some of my favorite people at work even know that I left! A week ago Thursday, I had two interviews, one right after another. Going into it, I felt very confident that one of them was made for me... and I thought it was the opening in Murray. I went into both
interviews with an open mind and high hopes that it would finally be my turn. MY TURN. It was about damn time that someone finally saw my potential and desire to use my CNA.

The first interview was for LDS Hospital. It was a one on one interview, and honestly I had totally forgotten that I had even applied for it until I got an e-mail weeks before saying they
were still considering me for the position. Joy, the floor manager, called me to set up a time for the interview and even said she would leave her meetings early so she could meet with me because she thought it would be worth it to at least talk. And the interview was amazing. I felt like I totally clicked with her. I didn't put on a face and I didn't act needy.... But when she was explaining my duties, I couldn't help but get excited. I was ready to learn more. I want to be a nurse when I grow up, and it's as close to nursing as I can get while going to school. The manager and I clicked and ended up talking for
an hour and cutting into someone else's interview time. I had it. I didn't want to get my hopes up.... But I knew the job was mine.

The other interview was for IMC in Murray. It was a huge group interview, and as they talked about the duties and everything, I didn't seem half as excited for it. I wanted this one because it would be a little less driving... But I wasn't so sure after talking to Joy from LDS.... I was just ready to have a job that wasn't in housekeeping... So again, I went into it with an open mind. There were about 18 people in the interview, with a lot of variety... Utah Blondes, you know the one's I'm talking about... Bleach blonde hair, teased in the back so it looks like a shelf that you could stack books on and run around, but never have the book budge or fall. There were some older ladies that had changed their careers when the economy went bad... and there was a girl that had just married a multi-millionaire who now had nothing.... And a girl that wanted to be a mortician when she grew up. Tattoos, black hair, and a ton of stories dealing with the fathers of her 4 kids and how having them was the only way to stop self mutilating herself.

Enough of that. I knew after interviewing at LDS I didn't want this job in Murray. Working at LDS would be another step closer to downtown. And I reapplied for school at the U this spring. It just makes sense.

You know what job I got? That's right! The one at LDS. I'm so excited! I start training tonight. It's amazing how things just fall into place... I can't wait! It's like I've hit the refresh button that's hiding somewhere in my body. I feel new. Especially with everything going on around me.

Now that I finally have a job that I was working so hard for, I feel.... Weird. It's like, now I'm here.... What do I do? You plan and you work for something, and when you finally get it, it's like... woah. What now?

I'll tell you what now... I keep living my life. I work hard with this job, go to school, work hard in school and have the same thing happen when school is over. "I'm finally here... now what?"

The same thing will possibly happen when I find a man. While we're on this topic, I was thinking the other day, which is rare.... Happily ever after. It's not always the end of something. It's like, I finally got to one happily ever after... what happens after that? And what does it take to get there? So often in fairy tales, the girl dreams of some prince charming, they meet, a bunch of crap happens, and they end up getting married and they live"happily ever after". Until
in our world, the perfect couple gets divorced... I was watching Enchanted yesterday, by far one
of my favorite movies and not just because McDreamy is in it, but I thought of something while watching it. What if that witch didn't push her into the wishing well and she hadn't of ended up in NYC and by chance bumped into McDreamy? What if she ended up marrying this totally dim vain prince charming who she had only known for a day? She met this guy, was ready to marry him, and then a bunch of crap happened and she met her McDreamy. Who she ended up loving more than she knew. He taught her something about herself that she wouldn't have known if she married the idiotic prince, who, let's face it, was totally full of him self.

It just proves my point. Almost everyone has that person. That "what if". Tegan's father was my "what if" at one point, and he knows it. And I realized that I had to get away because I realized I didn't belong with him. I reevaluated my life and what I wanted and realized he wasn't the one. There is still another big "what if" guy that will always be stuck in my head. Yes. Brown freaking Boot. Maybe one day it could happen. But if it doesn't, I'll know that it all this stuff that's going on is making me stronger and teaching me more about myself. And either way, I'll learn some good life lessons and realize what I want. And live ever after. It doesn't always have
to start happily, but it would be nice if it ended that way.

Anyway, that's my thing about how fairy tales can relate to real life. I'm done standing on my soap box now. (gently steps down from soap box....)

With the other more important news.....

Tegan is officially six months old as of the 6th! She had her shots and everything at the doctor, who was shocked when he came into the room. Tegan was playing on the floor while we waited for him to come in. He knocked on the door, came in, saw her sitting up and looking at him, went out the door, and came back. This is how it went...

"This is Tegan, right?"
"And she's 6 months old today?"
"Okay, I guess I'm in the right room. She's gotten so big and is doing such advanced stuff, I thought I went into the wrong room!"

Which made me feel like a an awesome mommy....

As of Sunday has been crawling all over the place. She can sit up and everything, which is the cutest thing in the world. She plays with everything that isn't a toy, including wipes and
junk mail. When she first tried sitting up, she could do it about half way and would support her weight with one hand. She realized that she could do it with no hands, and would last for a second or two before she would fall over on her side. Sunday, when she crawled on all fours towards me, she had gotten upset for whatever reason and was sobbing like it was the end of the world. I made my self visible, and bent down and reached out my hands for her a few feet away and called her to come over to me. She got up on all fours, and inch by inch made her way towards me, still sobbing as if someone had seriously offended her, and stopped once she got in my arms.

Now when I walk away, she has realized that she can crawl over to where I am. She can crawl over to the basket where we keep her diapers and toys for when she plays upstairs.... And now that she can sit up with no hands, she can empty the basket if I'm not paying attention and scatter the diapers, toys and wipes all over the place like it's a fun new game.

She went through a shrieking phase.... I'm not talking, happy joyous shrieks. No. These were bad. Earsplitting, nails on chalkboard, "fix the situation now or I'm going to make your eardrums explode" shrieks. Which were usually resolved by shrieking back. It would have been very funny from an outsider's point of view to see a little girl screaming, and her mother and grandmother screaming back. A couple times she would cry.... But the habit was quickly nipped in the butt. She still eats her toes every once in a while... and hasn't really gotten addicted to her thumb or a bink. I'm still a very lucky mother.

I still can't believe how big she's getting. It's like... Blink. She's crawling. Blink. She's a teenager... Blink... She's getting married before me.

Speaking of.... Someone is very hungry and needs my attention. More to come when I have time to breathe! Thanks for reading.