Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.
Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.
It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.
For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.
A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.
I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.
One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes
It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.
This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.
For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?
Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.
"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."
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