Tuesday, December 21, 2010

the most wonderful time of the year

YAY! Christmas time! There is snow outside. It's freezing cold. Winter freaking wonderland!

Um... Update. I'm sick. Again. So my head is super foggy. I ask you forgiveness as I attempt to post more than once every couple months. But I have time to do it now. Kind of. So, I was sick for about three weeks (starting the new job and ending the old one very very very stuffy) and I got better for two days! Yay! Two days! And then I got sick again.

Buggar. (yes... you may pretend I said that in my best British.)

The new job has been wonderful so far. The people are great, and the kids are hilarious. I know this is what I'm supposed to do now. It gets me so excited just thinking about it. A couple quotes from the kids:

Student: "We're running to California!"
Me: "Are we there yet?!"
Student: "No! We're in New Mexico!"
Me: "What about now?"
Student: "Now we're in Texas!"

Student to other student at lunch time: "No one's going to like you if you don't eat your broccoli."

Teacher: "I laughed so hard I tooted! Maybe I shouldn't have thought that outloud..."

happy times!

McArmy and I are still going strong with whatever we are doing. The holidays are kind of hard alone. Anyone in their right mind gets lonely if they are "single" on the holidays. There's something in the frigid air that makes couples want to cuddle closer and snuggle up next to a warm fire. Maybe it's the mistletoe? Maybe it's all the diamonds being flashed around for guys to buy their ladies? There's any number of things that give off the idea that holidays are for lovers and families, and although I have both (kind of) it still feels like something is missing even though he wasn't there in the first place. But I'm still... Content? The whole thing is still crazy to me. I'm head over heels for someone that I've never been on a date with, but I'm content with where things are at because I know it is better this way.

That being said...

It seems like I've been getting asked relationship advice lately which I find kind of humorous. I'm probably the person you should go to for all the "what not to do's". Maybe until now.

I will tell you this... No matter where you are at with your relationship status, how old you are or what you want out of life, you are never going to be happy unless you are first and foremost happy with yourself and your own life. Seriously. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be happy alone before I could honestly be happy in a relationship and that I hadn't really been happy in a relationship for a long time and when I was happy, it wasn't healthy. I am a firm believer in planning for the worst case scenario in the most optimistic way possible. I don't want to rely on someone else and have them not be there for whatever reason.

I want to be happy.

I may have mentioned this before, but both of my Grandfathers passed away years ago and both of my Grandmothers are still alive and happy (and healthy considering they are both 93 years old.) Of course they were sad when their life partners in crime and love passed on, but they found a way to keep going. And it inspired me. It made me realize that even when you have the love of your life by your side, there will be a time when one of you won't be there for whatever reason - death, business trip, vacation, medical/family emergency... whatever the reason is, your happiness should never rely on the soul existence of another human being.

I know it sounds terrible. But I'm really hoping that you take it how I mean it.

The best relationship advice I can give to anyone? Figure out who you are and be happy with that person you see in the mirror before you even try to be happy with someone else. Because accepting that person you see in the mirror, all the faults and flaws, becoming okay with the internal and external reflection will bring real happiness that you will never find inside someone else.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

A little more about McArmy

I obviously don't want to give too much away. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to wake up and realize that it's all just a dream or another Nicholas Sparks book/movie.

I'm pretty sure he does exist. I mean, I have met him a few times over the years. He's the childhood friend of my childhood friend's husband. And he makes my heart melt.

We already know we're done for and we haven't even been on a date. Something was always holding us back, whether it be a friend looking out for our best interest or another relationship or whatever. Maybe the tiny fact that I now live in Utah had something to do with it. But finally we started talking. And finally things started falling into place. We want the same things and think about the same things. It's all right there, waiting for us whenever we're ready. We want to live in the same place. We talk about the same house. We have passions for similar things.... and best of all we have the same weird twisted sense of humor.

What's the catch?

Just a tiny one. You know... the ARMY.

No big deal, right? He can't tell me much about whatever it is he's doing. He's currently overseas (maybe? he can't tell me where he is) so all I have are the phone calls and emails. I can't call him, so I have to wait for some kind of contact from him. If I don't answer, I get to listen to a voicemail. But lately when we talk, it's like he's so far away. The signal cuts out and I can hear an echo. He just... Seems so close yet so far.

There are periods of time when I will hear from him multiple times a week, but when I don't hear from him for a few days I have to convince myself that he's just busy with work. Because he is. And I have to tell myself that he will call me soon, that somehow I will hear from him. And I always do. When I start to worry that something has happened to him, I always hear from him within hours. Sometimes he calls me just to tell me that he's okay and that he's thinking about me. And it helps.

He has a couple more years left of this top secret ARMY stuff, and I don't want to wait that long before I can actually be with him. It's driving me crazy. And I honestly don't think he wants to wait that long either. We're both getting impatient.

But it's hard to say you're dating someone you haven't been on a date with. We don't really know what to call this "whatever it is that we're doing" thing. But it seems totally crazy because we're both okay with it. We're both totally comfortable with it. I can't wait to know what it's like to hold him instead of a pillow.

We make plans... Plans with ferry boats and islands and beach houses and living next to our friends in West Linn. Plans involving bonfires and hiking. Plans involving meeting my family. Plans that seem to be taking the span of a lifetime.

It's funny how all the other relationships and flings I have had until now have prepared me for this. The random departures of Brown Boot from my life that left me feeling empty made me realize that I had to be happy on my own before I was happy with someone else, because someone else won't be there all the time. All the dates I went on where the conversation was nonexistent made me realize that I needed someone I could talk to. All the guys that talked about forever and had no follow through. Every guy that made false promises. The guys that made no effort to keep me. The guys that lied to me. It is all leading up to something bigger and making me realize that I deserve more.

And that more will be just around the corner.

I will be very clear that he told me not to wait for him. And technically, I'm not. No one else has asked me out. No one else has made the effort and there a ton of guys right around here that could if they wanted to.

It's funny that he's forever away and he's making more effort than any guy that said they were committed to me. Hum...

Okay. Done for now.


NEW JOB! It's awesome. I literally get to play with little kids and teach them all day. We read stories, we eat lunch, we run around and fight dragons and monsters.... It is so rewarding. They warm up to me so fast, and I feel like I'm making a bunch of tiny friends every day.

Okay, now I'm done. :)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

She CAN speak whale!!

Tegan has recently been obsessed with watching Finding Nemo.

Over. And over. And over. And over. Sometimes we can switch it up and watch another movie here and there, but she seems to be just as obsessed with the ocean as I am. And I love this child.

Anyway, she was rolling around and playing on the ground... jumping (which is another recent obsession) and playing with her blocks. I had tuned out of her frequency so I could focus on the 6 one page papers I have to write by the end of today and I heard her making a very strange noise.



I looked at her with a furrowed brow, trying to figure out what on earth she was doing, and she of course was paying no attention to me. Then I heard the same noise coming from Dory in Finding Nemo.

That's right.

My brilliant daughter can now speak fluent whale, thanks to Ellen Degeneres.

This child makes my heart melt.

Friday, December 3, 2010

'tis the season...

Well hello again!

It's been a long time... and a lot has changed and happened. And I need to blog more often to avoid using that phrase at the beginning of each post.

For starters, I don't work at the hospital anymore! It's totally bitter sweet. I'm not really sure what I'll do without that place, and to be perfectly honest the thought terrifies me. I am really going to miss all the people there... And I will actually miss all the work that I had to do. I'll miss the patients... I'll miss seeing all the gross awesome medical stuff that I thought was only in TV shows... But a new very very big happy door has opened up for me and it's time I take a big step over the threshold...

I am the new assistant teacher at a preschool down the street. And I couldn't be more excited about it. I don't start until next Wednesday which gives me time to catch up on all my school stuff and wrap up my semester. And I have officially decided to go into Early Childhood Education. I was so nervous! I still am! But this is a good change for me... It's about time.

I think the night of the blizzard sealed the deal for me. I messed up my car (this was the day before Thanksgiving and I still don't have my car) and I ended up having to stay the night at Tegan's daycare. It was one of the best worst things to ever happen to Tegan and I. We stayed up all night with some of the staff playing card games and eating junk food and talking girl talk. It was so fun! I got to stay in her class the next morning while I waited for insurance whatever to go through so I could figure out where to go or what to do. And I got to play with all the kids. I got to help the teachers while I waited and it made me excited to jump into it all. I feel confident that I can do this. I can't wait to get started!

Tegan is getting huge... She's really growing up and actually starting to say things that make sense... She loves watching movies and we're trying to get her away from the TV. Another big thing is stacking blocks and playing with puzzles. I can see the wheels in her head turning. She is so insanely smart. It is kinda scary. I hope I can keep up with her! She is kind of a dare devil though... She bit her cheek twice. Today. Ouch...

In other news.... I like the idea of moving to Oregon one day. One day soon. As soon as I can. I miss it like crazy and there are a million things pulling me that direction... One of them being a certain man whom I will write about in good time. I don't want to say anything yet, because the whole thing is just crazy and sounds too much like a fairy tale. And I really want this one to have a happy ending. I may have fallen head over Toms for this one. This could be it. And he knows it too.

But the whole idea of us is just crazy. Nuts. We need to go on a date before we decide anything and there is a lot more that we need to talk about that we can't talk about right now.

Now you're thinking, WHAT?! THEY HAVEN'T EVEN GONE ONE A DATE?! No. We haven't. He lives very far away but we have talked for hours on the phone and we have met several times. Something just always held us back before so we couldn't dive in. And we still can't really dive in. But we talk about things... Lots of things. And that's all I'm going to say.

Because the whole thing is just crazy.

Did I mention it's crazy? Because it is. Very crazy.

I may have found my modern day fairy tale.

What else....

Christmas tree is up! I got a super cheap one and my dad gave me some ornaments that my mom had left behind and the tree actually looks amazing. I am very proud of it. Tegan and I may not have a very big Christmas. She's little enough that she won't really know the difference. As long as I can find one gift and something to fill the stockings, I'm sure it will be okay. The holidays stress me out. I want to start all these traditions with her, but I don't even know where to begin. If I try to start now, I can keep up with it when she's older....

What I would really like to do is donate to someone that needs it. And then I realize that I don't even have anything for me, let alone something to give to someone else.

I think we'll just make gifts this year.... And eat. A lot. I've been single about this time every year. And if I haven't been single, I've been away from whoever it was that I was supposed to be with. I've never really had a long romantic walk in the snow, looking at Christmas lights hand in hand with a sweet young man. I've never been kissed under the mistletoe. I've never had an actual holiday season with a lover and I'm dying to know what it's like. One day...

Maybe a little further into the fairy tale.