seashell skeleton key...

So... I don't really understand why I keep posting my thoughts about "us" and what we were and what could never be. It's not like you're going to read them... But the thoughts are still going through my mind, and the dreams are still haunting me. And there's new ones... They are drilled into my head. It's not like the faint ghost mist that you can only capture in pictures, or a faint voice on a tape recorder that you can't hear with the naked ear... It's like your there. Right there. Following me... And sometimes I'm hunting for the evidence of what we were. I can feel you holding me and wrapping your arms around me... Sometimes it feels like this past week's episode of Grey's Anatomy. (which I'm still not so sure about, by the way...)

I go through pictures and old e-mails, and wrack my brain to try to figure out what happened and what went wrong and why we don't talk anymore. How we could be so strong one moment, and then never speak again. An e-mail out of the blue, a response to a message that I've sent you months before... Sometimes I've heard you actually reading the words to me off the screen... But sometimes, I can't hear your voice at all... They are words of a total stranger.

That drowning feeling comes back every once in a while. I can't tell if it's this little baby girl pressing on my lungs and squirming around inside of me, or if it's the memories that randomly come back. Dreams that replay in my head.... But again, it's like I try to take a breath and instead take water into my lungs. Then the water starts to leak out of my eyes... but I stop. And tell myself no. I tell myself, that the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. And people keep telling me to take you off of that gold plated pedestal that I've put you on the past few years. That you weren't always so good to me, and at times you were worst than the worst boyfriends I've ever had. And it's true. But good things happened between us as well... I've come to see the reasons I should take you down off that pedestal. But most of all, I see the reasons I've kept you up there, and why things haven't been able to work with anyone else yet.

I've compared the end of "us" to hurricanes, car crashes, drowning, and a number of other disasters... I've compared you to a ghost. And honestly, some part of you may haunt me for the rest of my life.

Every time you decided to end things, there was no warning. You would just stop talking to me. There would be a dramatic letter or e-mail, all of which I still have for whatever reason... and then silence from your end. Or no message at all. We were just done in your eyes. Talking about getting married one day, and then no response the next... Darkness. A whirlwind of emotion running through me... torture.

I talk to many people today that ask why we aren't together anymore, because we were so perfect for each other. And, as always, I would try to find out what I possibly did wrong. How I could have chased you away. Because I talked to you about being scared? Because I talked to you about my emotions? I didn't do anything wrong. It ended up not working because you didn't want it to. Because of things that someone else drilled into your head, because you were terrified of what would happen next. And you kept telling me that I was holding you back, when really, I pushed you to be who you wanted to be and do the things you wanted to do. Or so I thought. But I don't think you even knew what you wanted.

I did my best not to hold you back. I believe the reality was, that you were holding yourself back and just trying to use me as an excuse. And I will not settle for that. Never blame anyone else for your shortcomings. Never use me as an excuse for anything again. It's not my fault you didn't do your homework, that you didn't turn something in, or that you didn't go camping or whatever more often. I had nothing to do with that. You need to take responsibility for your own life... we all do.

And with the good things... I don't think anyone else has ever been able to hold me like you did. They haven't been able to give me "the look"... And it wasn't just how you looked at me. It's what I knew was behind each look. Behind your eyes, I knew you were thinking about how much you loved me and how you couldn't be without me. I knew when you would start to question things... I knew when you were stressed. I knew when you weren't okay, no matter how many times you said you were. There were simple things that you did that reminded me constantly that you loved me. Little notes written if you left before I got home, e-mails when you were too far away, the little jokes that we had. And waking up next to you after being totally intertwined in your arms for an entire night... It's the emotion I haven't been able to find anywhere. The intimacy that has been almost impossible to find since, is what I found with only you. The way you talked to me, the way you treated me... When things were good with us they were really good. I could tell you had respect for me and that you cared about me just by how you acted around me.

We had a lot of really good memories... And some really bad ones. But I want to always remember the good if I have to think about it all. I've learned a lot of lessons over the years... I have tried to love like that again, and it's so much harder the second time around. It's never seemed intense enough for me. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Are my standards too high? No one else has just seemed to fit with me like you once did... and I'm not looking for another "you" by any means.

Which brings me to a dream that I had a few nights ago... We were in the living room of your dad's old house. The one where we fell in love and spent hours laying in the hammock in the back yard... and the house I brought a box of your things to when we broke up... Anyway. I was sitting in that huge once white chair, the one that had the armrests almost totally ripped off. Your dad's bike was wrapped up the way you wrapped it our first pretend Christmas together. You went into his room and grabbed a bag, much like the silver one that contained green and white tissue paper and a little red box. But in this dream, the bag had a long wooden box... It looked as thought it was made out of drift wood. When I opened it, there was a key inside. And old skeleton key, with a heart for a handle, and all kinds of complicated notches at the end, and it was decorated with sea shells. I ask if it was to your heart or mine, and you said I already knew the answer... and you were gone. I sat in that chair, holding the key in my hands with my palms up, staring at it. I noted how heavy the key was, and Kings of Leon began to play... Which was really my alarm waking me up. But it was with you that I heard them for the first time... and I only recently began to listen to them again. They've been my favorite band since I first heard them, but now I can finally listen to them with out breaking down.

So I'm guessing that this was supposed to be you giving me back the key to my heart, literally and figuratively. And it's something I need to hold on to for a while. I'm not going to just give it to anyone. And I don't even know if I totally have it back yet. Like I've said before... It's not a good time for me to focus on love. It's time to focus one me and this little baby, and our future. And I fully intend on doing just that. If someone comes a long, then they do. But I'm not looking anymore. I guess it's true what they say... "When you know, you know." So far, I've known that I haven't found the right guy for me yet. And Mr. Right isn't in my life at all right now. Weather I've met him once before, or still haven't even seen his face. But he's there. Somewhere.

I need someone that makes me feel close to the same way, someone that respects me, someone that listens to my kind of music and understands the way I dance. I need someone to understand me. And accept me and all my flaws. Because flaws are what can make a person truly beautiful.

My dad has this lady he's been seeing since the divorce. It happens to be this woman who was in love with him since before he met my mother, but he didn't know about it. And now they are finally together, after over 40 years. They are so much better together than I ever imagined him with my mom. They enjoy the same things, and understand each other. They totally understand each other's dance moves. They accept each other's flaws. They fit. But it took so damn long for my dad to see it. I went to dinner at his house Monday night, and he showed me this picture he has... It's of them, the day he graduated college. And he has it next to a picture of them now. Just imagine how life would be different if he picked her instead.... I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe not everything, but the decisions we make now can lead to almost anything. If I left in March when shit hit the fan in Florida, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now. But for some reason i chose to stay.

I don't want to wait that long to be with someone that really gets me... But I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I know that someone is out there for me. It's just not the right time. And once I find that person, maybe the ghost of you will finally leave me alone. I need to stop looking through the things that remind me of you. I need to get you out of my head a focus on me.

I'm glad you're happy now. Or at least I think you are. I haven't heard otherwise. But maybe, one day, we will be together again... Maybe it will be like my dad and his girlfriend. Maybe we won't ever see each other again. But right now I'm just planning life for two... and there is no guy involved. Unless he can prove to be worthy of the seashell skeleton key. And it's going to take a lot for me to give it away, if it's even mine to give.

And so begins the process of hopefully moving on... finally. Maybe it's just the time of year that drills these thoughts into my head...

the good thing that comes when you're not looking...

Today has been a pretty good day. This week, actually, has been going rather well.

I had an interview for a job, and found out the next day that I totally landed it. I wasn't supposed to find out for another week! It's only housekeeping, but it's for the company I want to be working for and there is a lot of room for me to work my way up. Once I'm done with school, which hopefully won't take very long, I'll get the job I want a lot easier if I'm already in the company... And the people that work there seem really cool. They all love what they do, and that makes it even better.

I love hospitals... It's weird. I never liked them before, but now the idea of being in one every day doesn't bother me at all, and I'm actually looking forward to going back and learning what I can. Anatomy and physiology totally intrigue me... I'm so excited to get started in school again too. Once I do, that is. Things just been working out how they need to and it's great. Life seems to be moving in the right direction.

The baby is doing well. She's kicking like crazy, and practicing some form of gymnastics or karate in there! That's another part of life that has caught my interest. I can't wait to be a nurse. I feel like I finally realized what I'm supposed to do. Anyway... The baby is doing awesome. I'm still thinking of names... and I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that soon, this little thing that has been growing inside me will be in my arms, and it will all seem so real. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. But one day, she'll be here. I'll be a mom. I never thought that it was going to happen... Well... Maybe. But just in a different order. I'm okay with it all though. Things happen for a reason. She may be the best thing in my life.

I had a dream the other night that I haven't been able to shake... The feelings... The smells... I felt it all. I could even smell what was going on, and I remember every little detail. I was sleeping in my bed (in the dream and in real life... anyway....) The famous guy with the brown boots was standing by my bed and I woke up.

I asked if he was okay, and all he said was - 'I'm always okay. I just really need you right now.' So I said 'Okay.' And he undressed like he always did, and climbed into bed with me. No sex. No words. Nothing. And that was all that I needed. I could smell his familiar scent, I felt his body against mine, and all the emotions and senses that I had every time I was in his arms. It all felt so real... and it was real intimacy. The kind that I've been craving and have been trying so hard to find from someone else... unsuccessfully. I felt like he was really there, that he was in bed with me and that our bodies were intertwined like they always were when we shared a bed. It never mattered how hot we got. When we woke up the next morning, we were still totally wrapped up in each other. But when I woke from this dream, he wasn't there. I was alone, and my room was cold. And my heart sank. It's been that way for over two years... Every time I think about this dream, tears come to my eyes. I keep thinking that I've lost that feeling for good....

Which could very possibly not be true at all. One day, I may find that special someone that makes me feel what I did before. But I've been trying so hard to find it, and it always has seemed forced. No guy has looked at me the same way, held me the same way, or gave me the butterflies that I've wanted to have again so badly.

But I've been so terrified that if I don't at least try, I'll never find it again. At the same time, I get even more scared that I will end up with the wrong person. All around me, people are getting married and divorced, breaking up and getting back together... having kids. My heart has just felt so destroyed that it may never get repaired.... unless I fix it myself.

I had a long talk with my neighbor... He's this super awesome forty-something divorced father of two. No, we're not dating. And no, we're not into each other in that way at all. We are both pretty much the only people in the neighborhood that aren't totally Mormon. We have tattoos, enjoy a good glass of wine, and can tell dirty jokes like nobody's business.... Anyway - with all that set aside, we had a talk while we were killing bunnies on the Wii.

I mentioned my fears of never finding love again, and that I knew I would never find anything unless I tried. He seems to always tell me things that I need to hear, and it's not just stuff I need to hear. It's stuff that is totally correct too that I just have problems convincing myself to believe.

He said, 'Now is not the time to worry about finding love. Soon, you will have one of the greatest loves ever known, and it will trump the love you had for Brown Boot. Right now, you need to focus on you, the baby, your career and school. You're young and you have a great chance of finding that love you deserve once again, but you can't go looking for it. Your life is starting to line up how it's supposed to and you're going in the right direction for you. Don't get distracted. Your knight in shining whatever will ride up on his horse or Porsche or whatever it is he's driving and will sweep you off your feet, but it will be when the time is right. You may know him, you possibly haven't even heard a whisper of him yet, but he's there and he'll come when the time is right. Be patient, and focus on you and what you need to get done to make you the best person you can be.'

Which is something I knew all along... I've been trying to convince myself that for about two years now. It just takes other people to keep drilling it into my head for me to finally get it. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll never hear from him again. But what happened between us did happen, and I won't take those memories back for the world. We're not playing 'Eternal Sunshine' with this shit. The memories are there to stay... I just can't let them effect me and ruin my life. I try a new relationship, and he gets into my head and won't get out. When that person becomes 'the one' they take your mind of the person that used to be 'the one'... right?

So here's the plan... I'm going to focus on me. Totally selfish, I know... but shut up. The world will be better off if I'm less dark and twisty. Focus on me... the career, the job, the money, the baby I'm about to have, and my friends... It's totally cool to make new ones. But when 'the one' comes along, the right one, my life will be going in the right direction and I'll be in a place where I can be with someone, and finally be happy, and have my version of a happily ever after.

No more insecurities. No more second guessing. No more trying to find love, because that becomes a distraction, and I always end up with a total ass every time. When the time is right, and when the right person comes I will know.

The best things come to those who wait... and to those who aren't even looking for them at the time. :D

the magic of love

Love really is magic. It's fireworks reflected on a lake, and in your lovers eyes. It's laying in a hammock in someones back yard, completely entangled in their arms until it's too cold to handle. It's as simple as a smile or three little words that can make you happy for the rest of the day. It's pulling over on the side of the road to pick a flower, that will later be dried and displayed until it is to brittle to stand the test of time. A note slipped into a purse, or hidden in a notebook to stumble upon later. Love is simple, but so complicated at the same time.

Many have said the love grows stronger with distance, and with time... I will pretend to hold you until you get here... Continue to hold flowers in my sleep, so hopefully you will get them... we used to hold hands, and the life that we had that seemed so simple, but in reality was as complicated as any other.

It's been years since I have really felt the honest to God, heart-skipping-a-beat, I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-this-person, you-are-my-everything kind of love. The high school love that was innocent, but sets up the standard for every relationship after the first kiss. Then there is the very last fight that really wasn't a big deal, but as it turns out ended the relationship.

For the lucky ones, sarcastically spoken of course, there is the tease of a possibility of getting back together that is dangled in front of your face, and then suddenly yanked away when you find out from many other people that, even after there was talk of you two getting back together and him finally finding the best man for your wedding, he has a new girlfriend. It is in that moment, that you can literally hear your heart break, and ground into the floor with his favorite brown boots that he used to wear. You were more than willing to wait, and this person that you loved almost more than life itself, decided that it was okay to hold you from the top of the highest building in the city, on a very thin thread... and then cut it. Believing that it will hurt less to do it that way, than to come out and tell you that it's not going to work out.

A lot of people wish they could have the relationship like Ross and Rachel from the epic TV show "Friends". Even though for most of the show they aren't together, you know they love each other, and everyone is begging for them to realize that they are meant for each other, and to get over the stupidity they have for not seeing it... At the end of the show, big surprise, they end up getting their happily ever after. Sure, they witness the pain of seeing this person they love date other people. They notice that every person that ends up going home with them is never going to be as good as they are. And maybe some relationships need that break to make the love grow stronger.

I'm not living in the past, I swear. I'm not holding on to this idea of a relationship that doesn't exist. I have come to grips that there is a HUGE possibility that this person that I have been talking about and I will never be together. I'm not living in a world of make believe. For the past few nights I haven't been able to have one dream where he isn't in it. We haven't spoken in over a year. We haven't seen each other in a longer period of time. And I haven't heard anything from him, even an e-mail in a few months. I know there may not be the slightest chance that we will end up together, but I have always hoped that it would end up like Ross and Rachel.

One night, well over two and a half years ago, I was given hope. This lady, that I still believe to be crazy, overheard part of my conversation that I was having at a popular coffee house where I happened to be working at the time. It was a brief rundown about the recent break up I had with this true love, because everyone had been asking about the promise ring that he had given me that I was still wearing. She pulled me off to the side once the line had slowed down and asked if she could talk to me. In this conversation, she revealed that she was psychic and she felt impressed to tell me something. This lady believed that I had found my true love and that this person had given me the ring I was still wearing. She blessed my necklace, and then told me that this guy and I would probably not be together for a long time. That our paths would cross over and over again, but we both needed to experience other relationships and a life outside each other before we would finally get our happily ever after. We would need to grow and change, and do it separate from each other. I understand that he has changed. I don't know how... but he's different now than when we were together, but that happens with time. God knows I've changed over the past few years. And he helped me make some of those changes

It's not fair for someone to believe in this false hope. But is it false? Right now, I'm just living day to day... Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. But that's not a way to live. I have come to realize that there is no point in hoping that he and I will be together. Maybe what this lady said will come to be, but for right now it's the time to focus on myself.

This high school love, this first true love was amazing to experience. I have never known anything like it. I have never had anyone look at me the same way he did, hold me the same, kiss me the same, or love me the same. I don't compare every relationship to this one, but I have noticed that these other guys haven't loved me the same as he did. He and I were off and on for over three years, and he still looked at me every time he saw me like he would never love anyone else as much as he loved me.

For those lucky ones, and this time I really mean the lucky ones, that have experienced true love at a young age even close to the way that I have... Keep in mind that the first experience with this real romance can set the standard for every relationship you have from that point on. It raises the bar. I have come to understand that the person I want to spend the rest of my life with needs to do these little things to show that they love me every day. It's not just that, but it's also in the way they look at me and hold me. Every little thing needs to be right. Sure, this can make me picky. But what's wrong with knowing what you want?

Maybe one day, I will come to the end of whatever road I will travel on, and I won't need to be sleeping to see the face of my true love. Maybe the face of my true love will change. I know that I will not settle for less than I deserve. And I deserve to be loved like tomorrow will never come. I deserve to have someone share the simple moments of today with me. And I deserve to have someone forget the terrible things that happened yesterday.

"Life is not about how many breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away."