Saturday, August 16, 2008

I'm starting to become less dark and twisty...

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together." - Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

I realize that the last blog I posted on here was a little negative... So I'm going to fix that.

My life is moving in a positive direction. Yeah, it may be slower than I would like, but at least I feel like I'm going somewhere instead of just feeling stuck like I did while I was in Florida. I'm finally moving in the direction of some kind of career, and even though sometimes I get lonely, I'm happy being single and getting comfortable in my own skin and my ever changing body.

Being pregnant doesn't scare me anymore. I heard the heartbeat of this victim of circumstance at my last doctors visit and realized that there must be a reason that this happened. There is a human being growing inside of me... Something that is part me, and part of someone I once loved, is preparing itself to come into the cruel world, and I'm going to do the best I can and be the strongest person that I know I can be to give this child the best life it can possibly have. I will love it like any other mother has loved a child. And for once, love will never go away.

Despite rumors, I didn't leave Florida because I was pregnant. I had booked the ticket two weeks before I found out that I was, and knew that I still needed to go home. I knew the life I wanted was not with the one that I was with at the time, or in the place I was at. I still love seashells and palm trees and the ocean... But I needed mountains, snow and family.

I realized that the only reason I was staying was for someone else... Someone that I still don't see a future with even though I am carrying his child. I still care about this person very much, but I know that they are not the one for me... Hopefully I will find the kind of love that I once had. True love that makes your heart skip a beat when you think about them even after being with them for years, and where you know with out a doubt that you are meant to share a happily ever after with them. The kind of love where you do stupid things and the other person doesn't care. The kind where you know you can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

"I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." - yeah, it's another Grey's reference... Shut up. That's the kind of love I want. And one day I can have it again.

I've had it once, and once you know that feeling, and you know the difference between making love and just having sex, there isn't anything else like it. In a way you feel empty without it, but once you know that kind of feeling, that kind of love, it's better to not have anything than try to pretend the feeling is there.

Yeah, my living situation now isn't all that great. After living on my own for three years, it's not fun to go back to living with a parent, especially one that doesn't approve of the life you've been living and is trying to convince you that they are fighting a battle against Satan for your soul. One day, everyone will be able to accept other peoples differences and the world will be at peace... maybe. It just sucks that it's this close to home.

Some days are better than others, but honestly, considering my circumstance, I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I'm taking classes to start a career as a nursing assistant, and will hopefully continue on to become a full blown nurse. I have a roof over my head, and a full fridge and pantry. I have friends that have been with me through everything, and a family that is being a lot more understanding that I ever thought they would be. And most of all, I have taken all the experiences I have had in my life, and learned from them. Bitter feelings against other people that have hurt me and walked all over me in the past are gone, and instead of being angry, I have taken into consideration the place that those experiences have taken me and the lessons I have learned. I've picked the weeds and kept the flowers, if you will. Of course I'm not going to be as trusting of everyone as I once was... every thing that has happened to me so far has made me stronger and is going to effect the decisions I make every day for the rest of my life.

It may take years to realize who I really am and come to self actualization, and it may never happen at all. But for once in my life, I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I feel like everything is going to be okay. And I didn't need anyone else to tell me. I came to the conclusion by myself, which is a mighty achievement.

This goes out to everyone... The people I will meet, the people I will never meet, the ones I have loved and lost, the ones who have ripped out my heart, the ones who have walked all over me, the ones who were rooting for me all along, and the ones that doubted me and said I could never make it. The fighters, the lovers, the friends, the enemies, the family, the people who I have lost contact with over the years... anyone who I have had the pleasure to meet or even just receive a simple smile from. The one I have shared life's most intimate moments, and shared my heart with...

... Thank you. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. If it wasn't for you and the footprints you left on the beach that is my life, I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have made the decisions that lead me here, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. Thank you for making me keep breathing, smiling, loving, thinking, and surviving.

I wouldn't be me with out you.

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