Sunday, June 13, 2010

Rain, rain... please stay?

It has been pretty glum the past couple days.


You heard me. I'll say it again too. I FREAKING LOVE THE RAIN.

I have heard it on my window, and loved it. I have stepped outside to feel it on my face and I loved it. I even took Tegan outside just to let her run around in it and splash in the puddles. And I loved it! She did too. She almost didn't want to come inside.

It reminds me of a simpler time. A time when I lived in Oregon, and I was young, and I played outside all the time. Rain or shine.

I took Tegan outside today, because I realized something... Why am I waiting for the weather to get better? Am I afraid of getter her WET? Heaven forbid. She is into sensing things right now... Rubbing crackers into the carpet, feeling the wind on her face when I drive with the windows down... Dancing to whatever commercial jingle she may hear... Why not let her feel the rain? That girl loves water. And I love it too. I swear, for about ten minutes, all we did was run around outside and splash in puddles together. And feel the rain. It was amazing! I still can't begin to put into words how much I love this little girl. She is amazing.

And on the topic of rain... I talked to Brown Boot for a little bit. Shocker, right?

Yes, I did say that I'm pretty much over and done with him. And I am. I don't feel the same way I did about him, and I will openly admit that. I was in love with the type of relationship we had, and now that I think about it, that relationship wasn't that great. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love... Uncontrollable, irrational, head over heals, this might be true love, high school love. At one point I did think he was the only one for me, and I finally realized that I'm over it. He's a totally different person now.

Anyway... There was this one day that he and I had together, years ago when I went to visit him in Georgia and meet his family. His parents were gone and we were just lounging around, exploring the town. One thing led to another, and we ended up inside his grandparents motorhome. And there was a thunderstorm. You could hear it pounding on the outside of the motorhome, you could feel the thunder and see the lightening flash outside. And it was amazing. (I'm keeping this G rated folks...) I still think of that day when there is a thunderstorm, here and there. I had pushed it out of my mind for a long time, because I didn't want to think of him in terms like that... Now he is only a memory. Well, we are only a memory.

We started talking because I posted something on my facebook about hearing the rain on my window... and he laughed. I had a feeling that I knew why he laughed.... Because he remembered that day... and he must think about it too. I never believed that I haunted him the way he haunted me... I thought maybe he did, and it would be nice if he did, but I didn't want to know if he did or not because I knew that would make getting over him harder. (It makes sense to me and one day kids, it will make sense to you too.)

Anyway, he's headed off on another adventure to chase some girl. The same girl he went on his motorcycle adventure with. This is the second girl he has chased since he and I were "we". That I know of. Which brings me to something else....

Why didn't he ever chase me? Did he not love me enough? I never realized that he actually didn't chase after me. In fact, he was running away from me. And chasing after girls that were exactly like me.

It honestly doesn't matter anymore. He'll always have a part of my heart that is dedicated to young love, but I know we won't be together again. It all just made me think.

And it made me want to tell him to not go. Which is not my place. At all. And it's not because I would want to tell him to stay and be with me, because I don't want that. It's not because I want to hold him back from anything, because I don't want that either. I never did. I was all for pushing him out there to do what he wanted to do.

It's because I want him to be happy. To be his own person, and live his own life with out being a part of something. To live HIS life. But I can't say that. I can't tell him, because I don't know him like I used to anymore, and he would get the wrong idea.

Here's to hoping he figures it out for himself.... Good luck Brown Boot. I hope you don't need it.

(This is not, in any way, my way of taking shots at him. Just so you know. I think he's an amazing person, and wish him all the best in his adventures... even though he may never see this. I just wanted to make sure YOU didn't get the wrong idea. Whoever "you" are.)

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