Breathing...

I had a moment. It was just what I needed, and it didn't last very long, but it didn't need to. It was one of those moments that you see in the movies, where someone is alone and they realize something - the music swells and you can see the light bulb turn on above their heads.

I literally had one of those moments.

Except there was no actual light bulb.

Let me paint the picture for you.

April 2, 2011. I was driving up 400 South on my way back to my apartment after picking up my Bountiful Basket co-op order. My eyes were red and puffy from sobbing like a little baby and drinking a bunch of vodka to dull whatever somber emotion was trying to rise up inside me. My heart had been ripped out, even though the rest of the world and I saw it coming like an oncoming train. I had my iPod on shuffle, and skipped through song after song.

Keep Breathing my Ingrid Michaelson started playing, and I let it. The music fit my mood, and tears were already running down my face.

The moment comes here... I was coming up around 1100 East, and the sun was rising slowly over the mountains. The music literally swelled, and the lyrics kept repeating...

"all I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"

It was really intense. And it clicked. That figuritive lightbulb clicked above my head and the tears started falling more dramatically.

That was all I could do at that time. Keep breathing. Keep moving forward. It was not the end of the world, and someone would come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Even though I thought that was it, it clearly wasn't.

And I've decided to savor and relish in every moment and mistake made. They are what makes us who we are.

A little more about McArmy

I obviously don't want to give too much away. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to wake up and realize that it's all just a dream or another Nicholas Sparks book/movie.

I'm pretty sure he does exist. I mean, I have met him a few times over the years. He's the childhood friend of my childhood friend's husband. And he makes my heart melt.

We already know we're done for and we haven't even been on a date. Something was always holding us back, whether it be a friend looking out for our best interest or another relationship or whatever. Maybe the tiny fact that I now live in Utah had something to do with it. But finally we started talking. And finally things started falling into place. We want the same things and think about the same things. It's all right there, waiting for us whenever we're ready. We want to live in the same place. We talk about the same house. We have passions for similar things.... and best of all we have the same weird twisted sense of humor.

What's the catch?

Just a tiny one. You know... the ARMY.

No big deal, right? He can't tell me much about whatever it is he's doing. He's currently overseas (maybe? he can't tell me where he is) so all I have are the phone calls and emails. I can't call him, so I have to wait for some kind of contact from him. If I don't answer, I get to listen to a voicemail. But lately when we talk, it's like he's so far away. The signal cuts out and I can hear an echo. He just... Seems so close yet so far.

There are periods of time when I will hear from him multiple times a week, but when I don't hear from him for a few days I have to convince myself that he's just busy with work. Because he is. And I have to tell myself that he will call me soon, that somehow I will hear from him. And I always do. When I start to worry that something has happened to him, I always hear from him within hours. Sometimes he calls me just to tell me that he's okay and that he's thinking about me. And it helps.

He has a couple more years left of this top secret ARMY stuff, and I don't want to wait that long before I can actually be with him. It's driving me crazy. And I honestly don't think he wants to wait that long either. We're both getting impatient.

But it's hard to say you're dating someone you haven't been on a date with. We don't really know what to call this "whatever it is that we're doing" thing. But it seems totally crazy because we're both okay with it. We're both totally comfortable with it. I can't wait to know what it's like to hold him instead of a pillow.

We make plans... Plans with ferry boats and islands and beach houses and living next to our friends in West Linn. Plans involving bonfires and hiking. Plans involving meeting my family. Plans that seem to be taking the span of a lifetime.

It's funny how all the other relationships and flings I have had until now have prepared me for this. The random departures of Brown Boot from my life that left me feeling empty made me realize that I had to be happy on my own before I was happy with someone else, because someone else won't be there all the time. All the dates I went on where the conversation was nonexistent made me realize that I needed someone I could talk to. All the guys that talked about forever and had no follow through. Every guy that made false promises. The guys that made no effort to keep me. The guys that lied to me. It is all leading up to something bigger and making me realize that I deserve more.

And that more will be just around the corner.

I will be very clear that he told me not to wait for him. And technically, I'm not. No one else has asked me out. No one else has made the effort and there a ton of guys right around here that could if they wanted to.

It's funny that he's forever away and he's making more effort than any guy that said they were committed to me. Hum...

Okay. Done for now.

NO WAIT!

NEW JOB! It's awesome. I literally get to play with little kids and teach them all day. We read stories, we eat lunch, we run around and fight dragons and monsters.... It is so rewarding. They warm up to me so fast, and I feel like I'm making a bunch of tiny friends every day.

Okay, now I'm done. :)

It's been a while...

I wish I could recap all the things that have happened since my last post, but life moves so fast sometimes and things get missed...

School is awesome. I'm loving my students that I work with about once a week. It makes me really want to do teaching... but massage therapy is in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's the stone therapy, essential oils, or fancy lotions that draw me in.... But time will tell. I do love the idea of influencing young minds though... Tempting... mold them into what I want like a delectable jello? Mmmm.... k.

In other news... Work has been sparatic. Some days are fast, and some are slow... but there are moments that remind me why I'm there and why it isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. A patient can go down for a simple procedure and not come back. Other patients go home knowing they don't have much time. Others walk out of there better than they walked in... One thing that is drilled into my head is that life is short. Every day, I am reminded that life is too short to worry about every little thing that could go wrong... It's too short to worry about what could or could not happen. Life is there to be lived.

Hope for the best, embrace the unknown, go along for the journey....

The love life is kind of a mess right now. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it until it all gets worked out. I will say that Brown Boot walked into my life for a brief moment, and then walked back out like he always does. A simple kiss drew me in again, and then I was pushed away yet again... Like he is trying to keep me dangling right where he can reach me in case he decides he wants to be with me. I offered many things, and it seems like he isn't going to take any of them. He dated someone else after I put myself out there, yet again.

But you know what? I'm not sure if it's from that happening to me so many times with so many other guys - the whole being second choice thing - but I wasn't hurt by it. Maybe he had done it to me so many times. I'm not something that can be tucked away on a shelf. I'm not a jar of strawberry preserves. You can't just stick me on a shelf for years and expect me to be just how you remember. I won't always be there. Someone else will find me and realize that I am delicious, and something that should be enjoyed... Not hidden away. I'm not going to be waiting for you to come and get me whenever you are ready. That's not fair to me. I would much rather be living my life, not waiting around for someone to pull me back in like a damn yo yo.

I'd rather be strawberry wine than strawberry preserves....

When I put myself out there, and you say, "sure, I'll take you on a date! That would be wonderful!"

or maybe you said, "I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for you still... let's take this one day at a time..."

And then not a damn thing happens? SERIOUSLY?! I'm done with guys being all talk. You have to do something about it. You can talk about rainbow farting unicorns that eat a particular kind of string cheese, and I won't believe you until I see a unicorn. Or that particular string cheese. A little more action PLEASE!

I'm tired of guys talking my ear off about what I deserve... I like making plans and talking about places we will go, and actually believing that I will one day go to these places. It gets tiring. I gave him another chance. I put myself out there again. And it went no where.

It's a good thing. From what I can tell, I'm a totally different person than he ever knew. And he is still the same.

Um... But there is someone in my life now. He wears a different kind of shoe. And I know I just went on a rant about guys being all talk, but that's all I really can do with this guy right now. And now that just got taken away. Kind of.

I know none of that made any sense. I know I just kind of contradicted myself there... But it's hard to explain. I have a feeling that we will actually do these things he talks about all the time. I have a feeling. He's my whatever. And I'm his whatever. And I'm not even sure what kind of whatever he is. I do know this... before he left, we talked for hours every night. Tonight will be the first night we haven't talked or had any kind of contact for two months. Sidebar - no physical contact with this person whatsoever. We've met. We've seen each other face to face. We've even talked in person. But never touched. But we talked for hours every night before we went to bed and it was never weird. It was like we had been doing it for years.

But every night before I would go to bed, he would tell me that he hoped he could feel me holding him as I fell asleep. He would wish me sweet dreams and tell me to take care of myself.

I've never missed someone so much, and not actually known what it was like to be next to them. But I can feel him there. He promised me that I would never be alone because he is always with me... And chances are, I won't see him until this spring....

Here's to hoping spring is full of ferry boats... Starbucks, fruit, and muffins in bed... Beach houses.... And a certain someone's arms wrapped around me.

I'll just pretend to hold him until he gets here.