relationships need subtitles

Seriously.

I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm okay with it. Kinda. I mean, I would like to get married one day. I dream of the wedding with the church and the dress and the handsome man at the end of the aisle. And the flowers. And the cheese cake. And the cute house with the BBQ and the man that knows how to work the BBQ and actually make delicious food. I can see it all there. Right at my fingertips. I could have it if I wanted it, and I do.

But the face of the man at the end of the aisle and manning the BBQ is blank. I have no idea who that person is, and apparently I haven't even met the guy yet. One day, maybe.

I'm okay not having someone there all the time. I'm okay being single. And I'm happy.

That being said, I recently broke things of with someone that I started to see.

We knew each other for a total of one month. ONE. Four weeks = one month. We talked for two, then we started hanging out and going on dates. And things started moving really fast. Snowballing. But the snowball started out big and just kept getting bigger and going faster, even though there is no actual snow outside right now! (instead, I have an awesome farmer's tan from the zoo. From freezing to roasting. Seriously. Mother Nature needs to cut this crap out.)

So, things started moving fast. This guy was insanely nice. He made me smile. He was really cute. Really sweet. And really thoughtful.

And really insecure.

He was constantly asking me if things were okay.

"Is everything alright?"
"Are you okay?"
"Are you happy?"
"Do you like me?"
"Do you STILL like me?"

Seriously. At first it was all really sweet. It was nice to have someone care about me as much as he did, and he actually showed it. He went out of his way to make me comfortable. Which hadn't happened in a long time. But the insecurity bugged me.

I do not claim to be perfect at all. I'm far from perfect. Yes, I'm a single mother, but I have my shit together. I'm in school and I work full time and I love being with my daughter. I used to be the insecure one, who totally depended on someone else for my happiness. And I saw this relationship going that direction. I saw things that I used to do, and I wanted to avoid the crashing and burning.

I stressed that like crazy. No crashing and burning. No going to fast. I have a lot on my plate to worry about... I have a really big picture I need to take in every time I date a guy. And this doesn't mean that I analyze every guy I meet and try to figure out if they are husband potential in five minutes. That stuff only happens in Utah county. (*wink wink*)

So after a great night with this guy, when he asks me a million questions to make sure I'm happy, I have a talk with him. He had told me several times that if we needed to slow down he was okay with it. That I was in control of the relationship and how fast it moved.

So I told him. I wanted the snowball to stop rolling down the hill for a bit, and thaw so it didn't turn out too big too fast.

And the insecurity... It had to be fixed. We could date, but he needed to work on his insecurity and confidence, because it was a huge turn off. Moving that fast with someone that isn't secure makes it even worse. Especially when there is a kid involved.

I talked to him for an hour, explaining that I liked him a lot and that I cared about him a lot and that it was because I liked him so much, I wanted to talk to him instead of just leaving. I wanted to work things out and have a healthy relationship. No crashing and burning. No massive snowballs rolling through cities and destroying civilization.

I liked him, and wanted it to work. And to have it work, I needed to go slower. I needed to take Tegan out of the picture with him because they were getting too attached to each other too fast. I needed things to go back to just wooing and dating. He and I had to be a couple before we could be a family.

We knew each other for a month, and things were going at full speed from day one.

We understood that things were moving a million miles an hour, and I was okay with it. It didn't scare me until I got to know him better. And the insecurity really started to show.

And I knew we could get past it and that it was a fixable problem.

After an hour of talking, we felt okay about things and finally said good night.

Well, the next day, we're talking. We made plans to go to the aquarium because we wanted to see the penguins. I sent him a picture of Tegan doing something that I told him about that he hadn't seen and told him I missed him. Seeing no harm in it.

But apparently I confused the hell out of him.

Apparently I can't make plans to go to the aquarium, because that's like making plans to buy a house and planing a wedding.

I can't send him a picture of that thing that Tegan did because it's being all cute and sentimental.

I can't tell him I miss him, because I'm sending him mixed signals.

I guess I just confused the all living hell out of him. We have to be moving fast or not at all.

He didn't tell me anything. He didn't say it was a problem. No, instead, that night he told our mutual friend that things were pretty much over between us.

When she asked me about it, I told her what happened, and she said he must just be upset and overreacting. Things would mellow out and he would be okay. Things would work out.

Well, that's when I decided to ask him if things were really over.

No response. Two hours go by and no answer.

(I know he got the message because we were on BBM together, and it tells you when someone sees the message.)

So finally I say that it's the wrong time to just not answer me.

The next day was no picnic. That would be today. He freaked out at me. Tried to flip everything around and that I was the one being insecure. It was my fault. He tried to rationalize and justify everything so that it wasn't his fault. No need to go into the whole argument, but one of the last things he really said to me was that I had issues because I have a child.

Let me tell you this, mister.

Me having a child has nothing to do with my issues. Yes, it can cause some, but I got over mine. I'm happy with where I am in my life. I'm confident, and I have my head on my shoulders and I know where I want to go in my life. Yes, I may be dark and twisty. But Tegan is not the cause of my issues. I was messed up before she got here. And I've fixed a lot of the stuff that I thought of as issues. So don't you dare blame any of this on her.

You don't have a child and you have a lot more issues than I do.

You're the one that fucked this up here. Not me.