only time will tell...

So....

I've been in this weird place, and I've been trying to figure it out. A very mild dark and twisty place. I'm not extremely depressed. Just randomly sad. And thinking about it makes me mad because I want to know what it is.

I'm okay with where I'm at right now. School. Work. Baby. Where I live. But something is missing. A relationship?

I'm finally at that place where I know I don't need someone. And that's where I wanted to get. I wanted to make sure that before I got with someone new, I had my head on my shoulders. And it's on my shoulders, fastened tight. I'm figuring out who I am and what I want in life, just like any person at my age.

I want someone that takes my breath away.

I had that. I kind of still have it. And I'm ashamed to admit it sometimes.

I think about him, and suddenly I can't breathe. My head gets foggy and I feel like there should be tears in my eyes, but they stay dry. It takes a moment to catch my breath, and then I try to make up for the lack of oxygen with deeper breaths. And then I feel relatively normal.

Like I've said before... "I miss you less with each deep breath, but then there's times when I can't breathe and I'm back where I started again."

He and I are together in my dreams. I feel his arms around me, and I feel someone loving me passionately. I even feel it when I'm awake. I feel like someone is loving me as much or more than this person. But is this person I feel the same person that I think it is? Or is it someone totally new that I haven't met yet?

When I met him, I thought that was it. I thought I was done. I had met that person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The search was over. Happily ever after was on the horizon.

And yes, I'm talking about damn Brown Boot. And I'm not happy about it. Because it's in the past. It's not something that should still be on my mind.

For some sick, twisted reason, I have hope lurking in the back of my mind. I know I don't need him. I know I should be over him by now, because it's been what... Like... over three years? I should be over it by now, but *NEWS FLASH* I'm not. It sucks. I want to slap myself.

I hate that he still gets in my head. I hate that my thoughts still drift off to him when I least expect it. I hate that we aren't together right now.

But we're not. And I'm dealing.

I'm still here, breathing.

I still go about my life, day to day, without him in it and I'm okay. I see him, randomly. I play it cool, like it's not a big deal. Because it shouldn't be. We're somewhat friends and I would rather have him a small part of my life, than have him not in it at all.

The relationship I had with him shaped me into who I am. Everything I have gone through has shaped me into this person that survives on her own. A single mother, who works and goes to school full time. A woman that is living her life with her head on her shoulders. But that person still makes my head spin. He shouldn't. It's been YEARS.

It's not healthy.

I honestly am okay with my life. I like that I don't need someone else. I don't need another person to be my whole source of happiness. Just someone who adds to it.

I can have that. I have potential to be amazing, whether I'm with someone or not. And once I have that someone who is worth my time, we will be extraordinary together.

If this person isn't Brown Boot, I know they will make me forget about him. This person will blow Brown Boot out of the freakin water.

Who is that person? Have I even met him yet?

Only time will tell.