what's lost is... well... lost.

So I've been working on my Florida blog, and in doing so, I've been going through pictures in my computer so I can show faces and places with everything... And I realized something.

There used to be a folder on my desktop, titled "awesome pictures" and its gone. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but it's vanished. I don't remember deleting it. I don't have any idea what happened to it. Not that it's a super big deal... most of them were pictures from my phone which are already online, but there was a folder in that folder that was titled "the ex files". Pictures I had from dating Brown Boot... And that's gone.

I'm sure he still has them all somewhere. And I know that I have a scrapbook started with some of them in it... But I know there are some in there that I may never get back. And it sucks. It is kinda funny that I called it "the ex files" and it mysteriously disappeared. Maybe I can get Mulder and Skully on the case and they can find them for me...

*X-Files theme music starts playing*

Something about the truth being out there... or something.

It really bugs me that I can't find them anywhere on my computer. Stupid technology. Stupid awesome technology. It can be awesome when we want it to me, and terribly mean when we least expect it. Sometimes.

Oh, and my connector cable for my camera is missing too, so I can't upload any pictures from my camera until I find it or get a new one.... Uber lame.

So here's the other stuff that's been going on...

Tegan is getting HUGE! She's small for her age, but very advanced. She's been pulling herself up to stand for a long time. She does it as much as she can, and crawls all over the place. She loves loves loves bath time. Every time I go into the bathroom and she sneaks in there, she goes straight over to the tub and pulls herself up so she can try to climb in... So, we just keep the door closed unless she's supposed to be in there just to be safe. It's so fun to watch her personality come out. She's a little person! And I made her.

My person gave her a Mickey for Christmas, and it's one of her favorite toys now. Every time I bring him out, she gets a big grin on her face and starts giggling, and doing the half clap thing that she always does. The other day when she went down for a nap, she had Mickey in there with her. After she cried for a minute, I went to check on her because it got really quiet... and she was passed out with him on top of her.

She's always loved her reflection, but she's finding it in new places... Like the fridge and the oven. It's so funny to watch her sit in front of the fridge and try to start eating herself... I keep trying to get pictures, but she still gets distracted every time I pull out the camera. She also talks all the time. It's the sweetest noise ever... Hearing three little words come a close second.

She's been doing so well with everything.... Sometimes it gets tough, but she's honestly an amazingly easy baby. I can't believe how big she's getting. She's up to three jars(ish) of baby food every day now, and is trying more foods... But for a little while... (I'm going to get kinda gross for a second, but other moms understand....)

Her poop got really really hard. Little, hard, black poops. She would be crawling around, playing, giggling... And then she would get into position. She'd crouch, kind of on all fours, grunt a few times, and then start screaming like it was the most painful thing ever. It was so hard for me to watch! Every time afterwards, she would come crawling over to me, tears in her eyes and still sobbing, and then I'd change her and she's get on her way. She gets over getting hurt really fast, which will hopefully stick with her for a long time.

Anyway... I think I may have fixed the problem. Too much iron. Which is funny, because I wasn't getting enough during my pregnancy. She's an iron hog.... Anyway, her cereal is iron fortified, so we stopped feeding her that and started giving her a little bit of prune and apple juice mixed together so it doesn't taste so gross, and problem is pretty much solved! We'll see if it keeps up.

Work has been amazing. I'm so happy I finally love my job! The people I work with are great. They make it so much easier to get through the night, and it makes for some entertaining conversations. The shift does get really hard sometimes... But that's how it goes with an overnight shift. I catch my second, third, and sometimes forth wind by the time that everyone is waking up, and then as soon as I can get somewhere to crash, I'm out for a couple hours. And then it's play time!

But the money should be worth it. And I get time with Tegan during the day. The people I work with are amazing. But I'm still trying to decide if nursing is what I really want to do. I love the work, and I could see myself being in a hospital for a long time, but at the same time, I know I want to be able to raise a family and live my own life... And if I get too involved with working in a hospital, or try to do the nursing manager thing, then my life would be the hospital's and not my own.

I'm a woman that would stand behind her man with anything... If it was right. The main reason I'm working on my career is so I can better myself and make the best of my life while it's just me an Tegan. Because what if someone doesn't come a long? I'm not saying that once I finally trick someone into being with me, I'll stop working by any means... I just think it would be good to be able to support myself, and be able to help with finances, and whatever else. If that ever happens. I'm very skeptical right now.

Ha ha, oh goodness... you know how I titled one of my more recent blogs, "something about ducks in a row"? Awesome story.... I had a patient that wasn't really with it, and he kept telling me I needed to find twenty ducks because someone had stolen them. From a boat. Somewhere. Because hospitals have boats, right?

I'm meeting someone, possibly tomorrow.... Not really going to give details, but I'll let you know how it goes when it's over... As for now, I'm super sleepy, and it's time for bed.

And So It Goes...

A lot has happened since I last posted.  Well.... A lot and a little, I guess you could say.  But that's life.

Celebrities died.  Multiple big names... But I don't need to go into that.  This is my blog about my life.  And if you want to see who died in the past couple weeks you can look it up yourself.  But I will say one was a legend.  One was an angel.  One did infomercials.  One announced different things.  One owned a book store.  And I'm sure there's more.  But again.  My blog.  My story.  Not to be a bitch.  But there isn't a lot of time for me to write on a real computer these days....

SO.... Job update.  There isn't one.  They gave the job to that girl that had worked there before.  What a bummer.... I did so well with hiding my tears until the floor manager walked out of the break room.  And the secretary walked in right as she left and I just broke down and cried.  She put her hand on my shoulder and told me that it was going to be okay.  She and the other people on the floor knew how much I needed it.  Once she left, others came in and hugged me, and kept reminding me that there are going to be more openings in August and September...  But there is something out there.  Something better suited.  Something that will fit me and my situation.  I have got to keep my head up.  In the mean time, I'm trying to pick up a full time position in my current department.  It's not what I want, but it will take some work to get there.  Time.  And more energy.  Woot.

Tegan is absolutely adorable.  She giggles all the time and rolls all over the place.  She can not hold still!  She's starting to get up on all fours more... which means she will be crawling really really soon.  She has so much personality... And she looks just like me when I was a baby.  She has started to do more really cute things... She's discovered her feet and they are the most amazing thing in the world to her.  She constantly is grabbing her legs and pulling her foot into her mouth.  Which combines two of her obsessions into one joyous activity.  To her, it's the greatest thing since sliced bread... and she doesn't even know what that is yet.  She will put her hand on the side of my cheek and look into my eyes, and coo.  So adorable.  I love her. 

Her most random thing is how she tries to get my attention now.  She'll be playing on the floor.  Happy as can be.  Giggling like crazy.  And then she'll scream.  Not just a little baby scream.... A scream that makes me think she's cut her head open and I'll have to take her to the hospital.  But no.  When I rush over to see if she's okay, she immediately stops screaming and bats her eyelashes at me and smiles.  And giggles.  As if to say, "Ha ha Mommy!  Look what I can make you do!  I got you to come over here!  Neener, neener, neener!"  I'm already wrapped around her little fingers....  

She can eat an entire small jar of baby food in one sitting now, and it's the cutest mess I've ever witnessed.  She is one of the best things in my life, and I wouldn't give her up for the world.  Rays of sunshine on my cloudy day, or whatever.  I thought I was in love and then I met her... All those wonderful cliches.  Look at me, being all bright and shiny.

We're still working on child support.  I guess the guy is waiting for a report on his income, so I have to just keep on waiting.  Which is the worst part.  He should have been helping all along and it makes me sad that I have to force money out of her father.  But at least he's not involved.  Our lives are so much better without him.  We can move forward.  We can breathe deeper.  We can appreciate our lives more.

I was feeding her in my dad's room during a family function last night and read a little quote in his room....  "Sometimes on the way to our dreams we get lost and find a better one."  And it fit.  And I love it.  While playing in his room, I found old photo albums... and he showed me more pictures from my childhood.  It was amazing to say the least.  There were tons of memories I had forgotten all about.  It made me think of how far I had come and what had happened so far in my life.  So many adventures.  So many good memories.  So many learning experiences (or mistakes, as others would call them....).  It had taken me to places I never thought I would have gone.  I got lost, and I'm working on finding something better.  That's the way it goes.