Okay... How do I know he wears the same brown boots? Because I saw them... Here is what happened.
One night I was talking to my person about something... I'm not really sure what to be perfectly honest, and quite frankly it doesn't matter, but somehow Brown Boot came up and she mentioned she talked to him and that he was leaving. He had always talked about fixing up the sail boat in Georgia and traveling around the country on a motorcycle.... And he finally got that bike. He'll be gone by the end of this month.
He had always talked about leaving, and I knew it could happen one day, but when she mentioned that he was going to be leaving right before she came back home, which is another story in it's self, and that they were going to just miss each other, my heart moved up from my chest and started pounding in my throat.
Not like it should be a big deal. It shouldn't have a huge effect on me.... Not like I had seen him since I first moved to Florida over two years ago. We haven't been officially together for about 3 years this Thanksgiving. It shouldn't make me nervous. It shouldn't make me miss him more than I already did. It shouldn't make me remember the way that he kissed me, or how it felt to be in his arms.... It shouldn't matter.
But it did.
He and I had talked a few times. Random conversations here and there about movies and music and whatever. And that one talk we had during my friend's bachelorette party.... (and that one was a doozie... I'm not going to tell you what was said, sorry!) But in these conversations, one of us would always mention that we should see each other soon. And I wanted it to happen. I was just too chicken to bring it up myself or try to plan anything. No joke. For all I knew, I could have been growing feathers and a beak and working on hatching an egg in a hen house for farmer Jon.
The next day I had to run up to work for some stuff. And I knew I had a chance to see him... So I wrote him that morning....
"YOU'RE LEAVING!?!?!?"
Hours later I got a reply. He had bought his bike, had saved up the money, and he was going to be gone for a month, come back and hunt with his dad, and then head down to Georgia and fix up the boat... and be down there for possibly a year.
My heart jumped back into my throat. It shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter.... But it did.
I told him that I wanted to go for a ride on his bike and see him before he left. We always talked about it, why not do it?
And then he told me to come up to his house....
I was shocked. Totally stunned. I wasn't sure what to think. Seriously? Did that really just happen? I don't really know what I expected. I mean, I'm still shocked that we've been talking as long as we have, considering the things that had been said the night of the bachelorette party. He hadn't run off like he always did. He didn't stop talking to me, like he always did... Who was this person? I haven't met this guy... Had he really changed as much as everyone said he did?
So, I drove up to the frat house, parked and walked to the front door and called him. I hadn't dialed his number in so long... And when he answered the phone and I heard his voice... I melted. My heart was beating faster and I could feel my pulse down in my fingertips and toes... and I had to remind myself to breathe.
I walked in to the house, and noted that there were beer cans everywhere. The place was a total dump to be perfectly honest. They had just gotten the place and it was in desperate need of repairs and some decorations. They did have couches, and a shirtless brother was totally passed out on one. I didn't even wake him up while I was talking on the phone to Brown Boot.
I met him outside on the patio that was in the center of the house. It was surrounded by windows from both stories of the house. He was out there with some of the other brothers, smoking. Apparently they had a little party the night before, which explained him responding so late... and it also explained the dude passed out on the couch.
He looked amazing. He looked fit. He had the same smile in his eyes when I saw him... and he hugged me. I played it cool though... I was totally nervous, and I'm sure he could tell, but I kept breathing and survived to tell the tale. He introduced me to everyone and we sat down, and I noticed it... He was wearing the same brown boots. New clothes, but the same exact boots. The soles were worn down of course, but they were the same. And so was he.
But there was something different. I couldn't put my finger on it, and it intrigued me. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.
For most of the time other people were there. I saw one guy in his underwear, and one in a towel, and one that was totally naked because he couldn't find a towel. It helped break the ice, I guess you could say. Typical frat house to say the least.
We told stories from when we dated, and it was awesome to tell them together. That hadn't happened for years, and I was so used to just telling my side, and it was nice to hear what he had to say. We talked about our families and what we had been up to... Life. And it felt good. It didn't feel like it had been over two years since we had seen each other. It felt fresh. It felt amazing.
He kept asking me to go to lunch, but I knew I should go home. I would loved to have spent the entire night with him. I left for the baby, who has become the new love of my life.
He walked me out to see the old truck that we used to ride around in all the time... The steering wheel and stick shift was more worn than I had remembered it.... The second I looked inside I started having flash backs of him holding my hand and resting in on the stick shift. I remembered going camping and sleeping in the trailer bed. I remembered having our one month anniversary up by the Bountiful B with chinese food and my first taste of chai while sitting on the trailer bed and watching the sun set. I remembered the first night I met him, when I jumped on the tire and climbed to sit on top of the camper shell... and he tried to make me feel bad for kneeing his window.... I probably stood staring in the passenger window for less than 30 seconds, but the more memories flooded my brain.... I was praying that it wouldn't end up like Katrina.
His bike was pretty. Minus the duct tape. But it looked really nice and just like I imagined his bike looking. I still couldn't believe that he was leaving...
Like a gentleman, he walked me out front to my car. And kept trying to walk to the wrong one. And I spilled my guts. I told him that I stood by everything I said in our conversation at the bachelorette party. And that I was really hoping that I wouldn't have a nervous break down when I got home. And that he had set the standard for the other guys that I dated.... He told me that first love is a powerful thing, and the what really got me was the next thing he said...
He told me that he was sorry for ending things like he did, but he knew that at that time we couldn't be together. That we needed to grow up. And he knew he couldn't talk to me or see me for a while or else it we would end up back where we were. He had to make me hate him so that I could move on too. And he made it clear that there may be a chance in the future but most importantly...
He said he was sorry. And he meant it.
He said he wants to hang out again. We're ready now, I guess you could say.
He hugged me again, and I felt him the same way I felt him in my dreams. I smelled him again... And he smelled the same.
I got in the car and turned it on. And "Use Somebody" started playing on my CD player. Not helping. I took a deep breath. I cracked my knuckles. And I drove home.
I survived the whole thing! I haven't had a total nervous breakdown. I didn't crash. I didn't cry. A lot. I made it through seeing him. And it felt good. At the very least, I know that he and I could be friends. And that's good enough for me.
I finally understand it all. I get why he did what he did. It took me a long time to really get it, and to get over the pain he caused. But it made me stronger. And it made me better. It made me what I am today. And even though he hurt me more than anyone else, I could thank him for turning me into the person I am now.
Honestly, I could be with someone else. I know that if I found someone that I fell in love with the same way I fell in love with him, I could spend my life with that person.
But he still wears the same brown boots....
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