another jump in the right direction...

ACCEPTED! Do you like Erwin's new tattoos?

That's right. I got into the U. I think everyone knew that it was going to happen anyway, but getting that letter in the mail was still very exciting. And I couldn't have done it without my person. She paid my application fee. I kept talking about school, and she kept saying do it already, and I said, I don't have the money. And she said, screw that you do now... Thank you! You see that? That is why she is my person and I love her.

I promised myself that once I got my official acceptance letter for the University of Utah, I would get the stickers and put them on the back of my car.... Here it is! My family may not like it too much, because they are BYU fans... Not to mention my dad actually works there. But it's the place I want to go. And when I did my first year there, I loved it! I love the feel of the campus.

I kept talking about going back to school and how I needed to work on my education... Nursing school is the goal now. Because I started with this CNA business, I've convinced myself that it is the direction that I wanted to take. When you get excited about taking out someone's foley, or examining a stage 4 bedsore, you know that it's the field to get into. (PS, stage 4 is the worst stage you can get to and it means that the sore has gotten down to the bone... gross. But awesome.)

So now, I'm pretty sure that it's the thing that I want to do. Every once in a while, I'll second guess myself but that happens to everyone, right? RIGHT?

I keep getting positive reinforcement from my patients. They keep telling me...

"You'll be a good nurse..."

"You better be going into nursing school..."

"They need more nurses with your attitude..."

And the best is when I get this kind of reinforcement is the kind I get from my peers and coworkers on my floor. Constantly, I keep getting told that I'm doing a great job, and they keep asking if it's my first CNA job. It feels good.

AND.... An even bigger sign was the thank you note I got from my floor manager in the same stack of mail that my acceptance letter came in. All it said, was that many people have told her that I fit in and work hard. It feels so so so so good.

So, that's the plan.... School will start in the spring and I'm totally on board. My life is still moving in the right direction and it makes me excited to live each day as it comes.

One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'd like to move out. But that all depends on finances. I got the job and started school downtown because that would just make it a matter of time before I ended up in that area. And these days, you have to go where the jobs are. It just makes sense. One day my knight in shining whatever will come sweep me off my whatever and we'll live happily ever whatever. Or something. I would love to raise Tegan downtown, or in the Aves. Maybe by the U. There is just an energy up there that I love.

Tegan has been doing great with everything too. She's sleeping for longer stretches of time, thank you lord, and is getting a huge bundle of personality. She rocks my world. I can't wait to see what kind of person she turns into or what she'll do when she grows up...

Anyway... I'm sleepy. We're doing pretty good with keeping people updated though, right?

"She'll be here by tomorrow morning..."

I sat in Dr. Smith's office, naked from the waist down with a sheet wrapped around the lower half of my body, just like the last few appointments I have had with her.  This was week 38.  Two more appointments until my due date... But I was so ready to be done.  I had never been in that much pain since before I could remember, and I just wanted it to be over with.  I wanted this little person, half me and half someone I once cared about, out of my belly and in my arms.  I had never felt so ready in all my life.

My mom walked into the exam room, still in her scrubs from work.  She had been running late and came as soon as she could... It's been so nice to have her there for support, even though we don't get along all the time.  She's insisted on being there as much as she could be so that I wouldn't have to go through any little bit of it alone, because the father wasn't really around....

She had phone calls to make, so she just sat in her chair, dialed the numbers and returned phone calls from that day.  I sat on the table, swinging my swollen legs the best I could and tried to entertain myself while I waited for the doctor to come in....

My mind wandered to different things from earlier in the week... My two best friends live in two different states, and for some reason, each one felt the need to start planning what to do if I were to go into labor...  How to get a hold of them, back up plans, who to talk to first... Should they pack a bag now?  What would they need?

The conversations started out serious, and then got along the silly side...  

Wednesday:

"I have a good feeling about this weekend."

"Really?  Why's that"

"I think this would be a good weekend to have a baby!  Next weekend is not only Valentine's Day, but it's also Friday the 13th... And the weekend after that is my birthday.  I like the idea of having her this weekend..."

"I wish it was easier to predict when she would be here... I have a hard time not being able to really plan ahead the way I want to.  Maybe if I pack my bags now, she'll get the hint and decide to come now..."

Thursday:

"I'm feeling weird today... Lots of cramping.  Not to alarm anyone, I'm sure it's nothing.  I'm going to see if it will go away, and talk to the doctor about it... But I'm sure it's nothing."

"I can't go into labor tonight!  The super awesome Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode is on and I don't want to miss it!"

And then I was sitting on the exam table, half naked.  Wondering when my little bundle of joy would decide it was time to come into the world... thinking about the conversations that I had the previous day and that particular day... And I thought about how cute the dogs were, because they wouldn't leave me alone.  They slept as close to me as possible, followed me around the house, and even guarded the bathroom door whenever I was inside, which wasn't normal... But I loved that they cuddled me that way, and gladly took advantage of the snuggle time.

I had made a list Thursday, of things I needed to get before I went into the hospital, and what I wanted to get done.... I wanted to paint Winnie the Pooh on the wall, and have the nursery totally set up.  I needed to get nursing bras...  (which I just got the other day at Target... super cheap, super comfy...)  I wanted to get games and candies... Blah blah blah

And in this thought process, I felt an intense cramp... One so bad, my mom asked if I was okay.  One that crippled me... I couldn't speak, and just focused on my breathing.  Thirty seconds later, it was gone.

But... I peered underneath the sheet covering my naughty parts.  My belly was in the way and I couldn't get a good look.  I looked up at my mom, who was still on the phone.  She looked up at me, turned her head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

I lifted the sheet up again, and turned back to her, with my thinking face on.  Then I scooted back and felt it... and raised my eyebrows when I looked back at her.  She had gotten off the phone by now and gave me a confused look.

"It's a little wet down there, and I'm pretty sure I didn't pee."

"Um... What?"

"Mom... It could just be a lot of discharge.  That's normal, right?"

She got up and looked under the sheet with me...

"Sweetie, scoot back a little more...."

I scooted my butt back a couple scoots, and more liquid came out...

"Will you grab me something to put underneath here and let the nurse know?  I think my water broke..."

She ran into the hallway and talked to Lou, the main nurse that works with my doctor.  I could hear her laughing...  "oh that's just too funny..."  I heard her say, as she walked in to see what was going on.

She stuck a little paper strip in the liquid, explaining that it would change colors if it was my amniotic fluid leaking... The strip stayed the same color....

"Hmmm...  "  She put a chuck underneath me and helped me get comfortable.  "We'll see what Dr. Smith says.  She'll be in soon."

I kept making up stories, obviously in denial.  Maybe it was this, maybe it was that...  My mom and I both knew what was going on.

Dr. Smith came in, with a smile on her face like always.  I didn't listen to much of what she said... She examined my special place, the usual business, and then she spoke again.  The only words I really heard were, "hospital, pitossin, reduce the risk of infection, baby by tomorrow morning."

"Uh... Okay.  That sounds good."

"Alright!  Well, run home and don't take too long.  I'll call the hospital and let them know that you'll be there soon."  With another smile, Dr. Smith walked out the door.

I changed back into my normal clothes, quietly.

"You're going to have a baby!"  My mom said, estatic.

I finally realized what was going on, and I started to shake a little bit.  I took a deep breath...

"It's about time!  I'm so excited!"  I sounded as cool as a summer breeze.

My water was leaking, and to reduce infection, they were admitting me into the hospital to induce me and make things move faster.  My little girl would be in my arms by tomorrow morning...  

Just keep breathing... Just keep breathing... Just keep breathing...

getting kicked in the ribs hurts... even on the inside.

"It's not that bad, it's not that bad, it's not that bad...."

Famous last words, right?  I have been in so much pain the past few days.  This little girl has been kicking the HELL out of me.  If she's not sitting on my bladder, she's playing my ribs like a xylophone, punching my hips, and rubbing the inside of my uterus raw.  And she's had a lot of fun crushing my lungs lately too.  No joke.  Not to mention all the other complications that come with pregnancy... 

You want to hear a funny one?  This paragraph is going to get a little graphic... So if you have a weak tummy or mind, skip it.  I have hemorrhoids.  And I'm constipated.  Which makes them worse.  Oh wait, did I mention that I'm anemic too?  So I have to take iron twice a day, which makes poop even harder, which means, unless I take some kind of laxative, the toilet will be filled with blood from my ass.  Funny joke.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Not.  How can women forget things like this when it's time to have another baby???

Not to mention the lack of sleep I've had lately.  I was up every couple of hours last night, going to the bathroom.  But I was so thirsty.  I tried to not drink anything, but then my mouth would get super dry and that would make it so I couldn't sleep yet again.  I tried.  It kept me awake for two hours.  Happy day.  As if my tummy constantly hurting wasn't bad enough...  Hurray for contractions.

I've been going to physical therapy too.  But sadly, they couldn't do anything to help the main problem.  My ribs have been killing me!  They go numb, tingle, pins and needles, burning, itching, dull ache... every pain that I've been able to think of, has happened in this little are of maybe two inches on my ribs.  But, because of the HUGE belly I have and the little one resting... kind of resting... inside of it, they can't do any xrays or testing to see what's really wrong... So the goal for the next couple weeks?  Try to make me comfortable until she gets here.

It could be worse.  Right?  It's not that bad.  I can still work.  Kinda... I am in so much pain by the end of the day, but I still do it because I have to.  This is when it's nice to have some help from... oh, I don't know.  The father of the baby.  Who is supposed to give some kind of support, but hasn't shown that he gives a damn.  No money.  No emotional support.  No nothing.  Because he's awesome like that.  Like I said before...  I can pick 'em.

Really, I only have like, three more vagina doctor appointments until the baby comes.  And that's if she doesn't decide to make her appearance early.  Three appointments a week with physical therapy.  An appointment this week with the dentist.  And that's all with working forty hours this week.  Sweet.  But, by the time I go back, my six months may be up!  Which means I can transfer over from housekeeping to being a CNA... and that makes my true career of nursing one step closer.  Not to mention, the pay and hours are so much better... and there isn't as much physical labor.  Fingers crossed folks!

The nursery is almost done.  Pretty much all we have to do is paint... and we don't even have to do that.  It's just decorative stuff... Positive quotes to put on the walls to motivate her to be strong.  Hanging things up on the walls, and putting little things  in their places.  After that, you know what's next?  The hospital bag.  Making sure I have what I need while I'm there and for the trip home.  I already have the baby's bag packed...  She'll be here before I know it.

So really, this 40ish weeks of pain really isn't that bad.  I know it could be so much worse.  But if I compare it to what I'm going to have after all this temporary pain is over, it really isn't so bad.  I'll have a daughter.  A baby.  A little life to take care of.  Someone to watch grow, learn, and develop into a little woman.  And there can't be anything better than that....

The situation with my mom...  Well, she never said she was sorry for the things she said.  She never felt that they were uncalled for, or anything like that.  She's acting like it never happened.  So I'm pretending like everything is okay with her.  I don't know how long I'll stay with her... If I actually get some child support from the dad, I'm going to use that to get my own place, and start back in school again... which hopefully moves downtown.  But again, that will be in about a year.

I have a friend on his mission right now, in Mexico.  I've known him since 7th grade, but we kinda lost touch for a while.  We will write e-mails, not very long ones, but enough to keep each other updated.  My mother, for some reason, is convinced that we are going to get married.

"He's not my type, mom.  We're friends, we're not going to be anything more."

"Well, sometimes friends make the best husbands."

"I'm not going to marry him mom.  Because we're friends and talking while he's on his mission, it doesn't mean anything.  I don't love him like that, and I'm not going to marry someone unless I do love them the way someone in love is supposed to love someone else."

Seriously... Who is going to take relationship advice from a bitter lady who got divorced after 40 years?  I love my mom.  Don't get me wrong.  Yeah, she's closed-minded and doesn't really understand how the world works... but I'm not listening to her when it comes to relationships, religion, or friends.  

It would be so nice, if she just let me believe what I want to believe and let me be my own person...  I'm hoping, one day, that she'll see that it's all part of being a mother.  Instead of putting me on guilt trips for being different than she is, and not believing the same things she does

In other news... I haven't broken down and tried to contact Brown Boot.  And that's something to be proud of.

The weather looked like it was going to be nice... All the snow started melting, and all that was left was a few chunks of ice.  We groomed the dogs, and got their hair nice and short.  Oh, but we really should have let it grow more.  Because we had another storm today and got a few more inches.  Poor little puppies have been freezing their little tails off. 

I still can't believe that around this time last year, I was running around in Florida.  Playing on the beach, and looking for sea shells...  Playing in DisneyWorld, like I didn't have a care in the world.  Now I'm in Utah.  In the snow.  Getting ready for a baby to come and change my world yet again... And watching Disney movies to get myself ready for all the baby stuff.  I can't wait to take her to Disney for the first time... Now that will be real magic.