when a shadow of a doubt turns into a world of darkness...

It's been a while, yet again. And it seems like it's been years since I've posted. But a lot has happened. Again. Holy goodness, I have GOT TO get better at freakin' posting. That's right, I said freakin'. With no "g".

Sooooo...... Work is awesome. I love my job. I've lost some hours because Tegan got her first ear infection, but she's getting better. And she loves her day care! It's great! So clean and so nice. The kids I have seen there are awesome, and they all get along so well together! Hurray!! Tegan still is very friendly with everyone. When we went to the doctor for her ear infection, she crawled right over to him and sat on his lap. If only she knew...

She still has four teeth coming in on top and the other two sit strong on the bottom. She is very close to walking, and every once in a while can stand on her own. She has started to do this thing where she knows she's not supposed to do something and she'll do it anyway. Like, playing with the Christmas tree, or taking off with my Crackberry through her own little obstacle course... And then giggling, as if to say, "neener, neener, neener...."

With my health stuff... I recently went to the ER. Recently as in, this last week. I got really bad food poisoning, or something and got so dehydrated I was not really with it, so to speak. I got two bags of fluid and some antinausea meds and was on my way a couple hours later. Thank heaven for Zofran... seriously. And we're still working on the headaches. No brain tumors or anything. Just... Lots of pain. It's getting better, just slowly.

Oh, oh, oh! I got all signed up for my classes for Spring semester at the U! Woot! So super excited! Most of them are online, but I decided to take a biology course on campus so I could interact with humans that weren't sick or under the age of one. I've missed sitting in a classroom and taking notes... watching Power Point presentations and doodling on my notebook.... *sigh*

No, really. It's okay you can laugh. I've missed school like crazy! I've missed feeling productive and like I was learning something. At work, I learn new things every day, but that's not what I mean. I mean, serious studying. Bookworm style.

I can't believe Christmas is so close... That is part of what has kept me so busy. I've been all kinds of crafty, making my own stockings this year. Which isn't so bad, to be perfectly honest. I didn't use a pattern, and have just been putting things together. No measuring... It's like I see something in my head and make it come out in the fabric somehow. I've worked on four so far, and I'm almost done with all four of them. Just some finishing touches. I made on for the boy, one for his daughter, one for Tegan, and one for me. But... I got way too much fabric. I may end up making a quilt and a pillow... and maybe a tree skirt. Yes... Lots of fabric.

I also worked on Tegan's scrapbook. Which looks awesome! I got one of those books that has everything you need in it, and picked up a couple extra kits from Walmart, (Robert's was WAY too overwhelming....) and it looks so awesome!! I'm making this one for her first year, and then I'm going to start another one after her birthday. Happy happy face!

As for my personal life... Without including too many details... I'm getting scared that things with the boy won't work out. We can go on ahead and call the boy McArmy again, because... well... He's probably going to be back in the Army before we know it. Which isn't why it won't work out, by any means. I think it would be really good for him to get back into it. He would be a part of something. It would help him get to where he wants to go.... and he would make a lot of really good friends and memories. I'm totally behind him in going back.

I'm not scared it won't work out because I'm scared of commitment. Far from that. I finally got over Brown Boot.... (Let's face it kids, that's never gonna happen. Love stories don't always work that way... Read "On Love" by Alain de Botton.... It changed my perspective on relationships years ago and did me a lot of good.)

Okay, where was I? Right. I finally got past my issues that happened in past relationships. I realize when I see things I don't like, I understand why I feel the way I feel, and I try to talk about it and get the problem worked out.

And that's what's happening now.

At this current moment in time.... I haven't heard his voice in days.

We've hardly sent a text message to each other the past two days.

I'm giving him time and space to figure everything out. Which is the hardest thing I've had to do. That, and bringing up the problems in the first place.

I just knew I couldn't hold it all inside, which is what I used to do. I knew I wanted a healthy relationship... that I deserve it after all the shit I've seen and the even worse shit that I've been through. I owe it to myself and to my daughter to have someone that will be there for me when I really need them, and who really loves me and cares about me... and shows it. I deserve a healthy, long lasting relationship with someone amazing.

Which is what I was trying to do.

I'm not sure if I did it the right way. I just know that this stupid limbo bullshit has got to go. I hate not knowing what is going on, or if I'm even in a relationship right now. I haven't felt like I've been in one for a while... it's been hard. I've feel like I should be really hurting right now, but honestly? I just feel numb.

I saw all of this coming from miles away.... And I feel like a fool for waiting so long and ignoring the warning signs, and waiting too long to say something.... But at least I said something.

I hope it does end up working out. Somehow. I'm just afraid that once it's done it will never happen again. I'm tired of giving things a second, third, forth, or whatever number of tries, and having it not work out. Feeling like this is getting old.

Okay... I want to end this on a positive note somehow... Eh....

I got new mascara that I like!

Maybe?

Not so much.

No, I like the mascara. I mean, not so much with the whole ending this on a positive note thing. Stupid downer mood that I'm in.... Boo to that.

Let's just do this....

THE END.