A previously unpublished blog...

Ha ha ha so... I found this when I was going through things to study for finals and I realized I never posted it... It made me realize how clever and witty I can be. And it made me think about a sad time in my life and LAUGH. We all need that every now and again... and it means we've moved on. It's amazing what a little time and space will do. So here you guys go... a blog from a couple years ago that was never posted.

Bliggity Blog

Sunday, Oct. 11, 2009

SO....

I did it again. A stupid lul in my blogging. And I’m sorry... But things were kinda crazy. Want to know what happened? Okay? Okay.

I moved downtown and then moved back to my mom’s house. I made it out for like three weeks, hardly stayed there, didn’t even move my bed up, and I just got everything back into my mom’s house again today. It was hard to do! Anyone that knows me, knows that I want to live in the Avenues in downtown Salt Lake, and that’s right where I was. I could see the hospital from the kitchen window, and we used to sit out on the fire escape. It was near perfect. The air has been getting crisp from the autumn air, and the leaves have been turning colors. I would watch the sunset from the living room or out on the fire escape. But it never really felt like home.

The convience was amazing. It took me less than five minutes to get to work, which meant more sleep for me. Kinda. And it meant a lot less gas too. But honestly? I can’t afford it. I have to much that I need to get to take care of the little one. She’s growing and needs warm clothes, which I got today. Some today anyway. She needs toys to learn and grow, food... Whatever little kids need, and I would have no way to get any of it if I was living out of the house because I would have more bills to take care of.

It would help if Sperm Donor would pitch in every once in a while... Has he bought one diaper? One jar of baby food? No. Nothing. He hasn’t even tried to see how she’s doing or tried to talk to me. I did tell him not to talk to me unless he absolutely had to, and he hasn’t. He made no effort, so I told him just to forget about it. But that’s besides the point. I’m waiting for child support to come, and it’s just a waiting game. I call, they tell me that they’re working on it. I call again, and they’re still working on it. I’ll get a letter when they award me something... Bla bla bla. I’m grateful for the government’s help and all, but I applied in April, and I’m still waiting. Kids cost money, and I could use some help.

OH! And she has two teeth now. On the bottom! I’ve been trying to get a picture, but her little tongue keeps getting in the way. I’ll get one soon. Teething has been really hard... But she’s doing better today.

I wouldn’t give her up for anything, and honestly she is my whole world. I would do all this crap all over again if I had to. When I hear her giggle, it warms my heart. It keeps me going. It helps remind me to keep breathing. I do it all for her. And a little for me to. She forced me to make my life better and to be more picky about who I hang out with. And who I date. Which means pretty much no one. (That’s my excuse for being a loser... and it doesn’t mean that if I haven’t hung out with you that you suck or anything... I promise. If you’re reading this you’re probably on my cool list. Or I don’t know you. That, and I’ve been super busy, in case you can’t tell.)

Oh! I’m working on financial aid stuff with school now too. Which feels good. I hate filling out paperwork, but I have to make sure I get it all done. It means I get an education for less that I would have before, and it will all be worth it. Tiny sidebar with school... I get to take Math 1010. Do you know what class I was taking in high school? Freaking Trig. Seriously?!? That’s what I get for not staying in school. Hopefully it will be a breeze. I figured it out from this website that the school counselor told me to go too, and it’s a good thing she told me to go there, because I tried doing some equations from each class and had no idea what they were trying to get me to do.

2+2 = 4!?! When the hell did that happen?

Whatever. School is school. It will feel good to get back to it.

On the way back from moving my stuff back out of the apartment, (which sucked by the way... Big time. There was a lot of stuff and lots of trips up and down four huge flights of stairs...), I stopped at Taco Bell and got some yummy food. I finally got to the last bit of it just a little bit before I started writing, and my mind wandered while I listened to the TV in the background.

Something about weddings...

Which made my mind wander to the phone calls and e-mails I’ve been getting because I signed up for a mailing list when I tried on wedding dresses back in the day when Mike and I were talking about getting married. I’m going somewhere with this I promise. Taco Bell doesn’t always lead to wedding bells... That would just be weird.

In thinking about the wedding dresses and all that fun stuff, I remembered what scared me and when I realized that I couldn’t marry Mike. That it wasn’t right. I would put on one of the dresses I liked and close my eyes and picture myself walking down the aisle. The flowers... The guests... The venue... The guy... And it wasn’t Mike. He wasn’t there at the end of the aisle. I couldn’t picture it no matter how hard I tried. There was still someone else down there, and he hasn’t left yet. Yes, it’s the Brown Boot.

A raise of hands for everyone who saw that coming? Yeah, everyone. I thought so.

As I’m thinking this, I’m reaching in my Taco Bell bag for a pack of Border Sauce for my massive burrito. And you know how they all have funny little things on them? This one said...

“Will you marry me?”

Really? That has to be coincidence. HAS to be. There is no way. Why do I have to pull out that sauce packet at that moment? The stupid little packet knew what was going through my head, and just glared at me, sticking out it’s tongue.

Neener. Neener. Neener.

You’ll never get this!

My person decided to call it “Bastard Sauce.” Ha ha ha, very fitting.

Can you imagine what would happen to some poor Utah County girl, on a date with her boyfriend? I could totally see her pulling it out, thinking it was a clever proposal idea, while her boyfriend is sitting there in horror as everyone stared at them.

Ten extra points if he was taking her to Taco Bell to break up with her so she wouldn’t make a scene... Uh oh, too late.

I’m going to hell for sure.... That would be terrible! But you have to admit it would be really funny to watch. I’d cry. From laughing so hard. Ha ha ha

OH! And I’m trying to figure out a funny costume idea for Tegan and I for Halloween.... anyone have any ideas? So far, I have White Rabbit and Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and lion and ringleader. But I’m not sure about either one. Maybe Mad Hatter? I dunno.

It's that time of year

I don't know what it is about this time of year.... Colder weather brings memories of holding someone close. Wind blowing reminds single people of being intertwined in the arms of a former lover, and it's when the wind blows and the temperature drops that people start to remember.

Their hearts get lonely. They see the colors of the leaves changing, and they think of me... weather it is because of the memories they had crunching leaves under their feet while walking hand in hand or if it is those same colors that remind them of the color of my hair....

Whatever it is about this time of year is making guys come out of the woodwork. Exes are asking for second, third and fourth chances. Baby daddy is randomly thinking of me and decides to say something after saying nothing for two years. Guys that I thought were gone are starting to appear once again... It always happens after I decide to be done.

There is a three date thing going with me lately, and it's only with new guys that I try to date. Third time isn't the charm in my case... I find a guy that TiVo's football for me - and after three dates he stops contacting me. A guy takes me on a romantic carriage ride at midnight, opens doors for me, and takes me on a picnic - after three dates he stops contacting me. I go on three dates with a wonderful guy and he doesn't stop talking to me... Instead, he invites me to go to Vegas and when I don't answer right away he books the trip with someone else and then doesn't understand why I'm upset. Right after date three.

It doesn't matter what leads to the third date or what happens after then, after three dates they are done. No, I don't sleep with them. It's three strikes and I'm out. And I let it happen. I don't give them excuses. I don't tell them they should give me date number four, because guess what?

.... I shouldn't have to tell them to give me date number four. They should be the one chasing me.

No, that is not old fashioned.

That is how it should be.

I've been to hell and back and I deserve a guy that will see how wonderful and amazing I am without me having to hand them a resume.

I shouldn't have to jump up and down, waving my arms screaming at them to pick me over that other girl.

They should just know.

And if they don't know, they aren't worth it.

If I'm not with someone yet, it's because it's not my time.

I'm a busy girl. I have a lot piled on my very tiny plate, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I'm not going to waste time with a guy that won't meet me half way. I'm not going to waste time on a guy that won't open doors for me and get me flowers. It's not because it is an old fashioned thing - it's a respect thing.

I DESERVE to be respected.

I deserve to have someone that will stand outside my window with a radio over their head playing a song that makes them think of me.

I deserve someone that will give me the last slice of my favorite cheesecake.

I deserve someone that will randomly send me flowers at my work because they are thinking of me.

I deserve someone that won't mind keeping me wrapped in their arms because they don't want to be anywhere else.

I deserve someone that isn't afraid to be with me. OR my daughter.

It isn't something that I should have to ask for. It's not like I'm sitting here waiting for it all to happen. I've gone through a lot and have done a lot of very difficult work to get where I am today and to be who I am today. One day, someone will recognize that.

One day, someone will blow me out of the water.

One day, I will make it to date number four.

And after that date? My ladies and I are going to pop open a bottle of champagne.

I'll jump, I swear!

So... Here's the thing.

I'm falling. Hard and fast. And this is the part where I usually realize that there is a big huge rock in the murky water that I have decided to plummet towards, head first. I have hit this rock many times before and even though I keep trying to dive into different areas of this supposedly bottomless lake, I keep hitting the same damn sharp jagged rock. It's painful. Every time, it hurts and I keep forgetting why I was hesitant to jump in again.

It's the falling. It's the butterflies in my stomach as my limbs flail in the air and my heart jumps into my throat. It's the feeling that I'm flying. It's the air rushing past me on the way down... The adrenaline rush. It's all the stuff that happens before I hit the water.

That being said...

I have a tendency to feel like I'm not the first choice. I offer exes that I used to love with my whole heart second chances, only to have them tell me that they love someone else - after saying they wanted the second chance. I pour my heart out to someone who says they want to be with me and believe that I really want to be with them, only to have them either not be who I thought they were or run into the arms of someone else.

I am not the type to jump up and down and say "PICK ME!!" but that's what I really want to do. I am the person that wants the people I care about to be happy, even if it isn't with me. Someone told me that it isn't a matter of picking me... It's a matter of ruling out the "what if". Which is a very nice way to reject me with out rejecting me. Even though you are trying to make it seem like I'm not second choice, you kind of just did. Because if you wanted to be with me, you would just suck it up and do it already and quit with the lame excuses.

But, it makes sense... in a very sick and twisted way. I kind of understand wanting to rule out the "what if"... Make sure it really isn't going to work out... I can understand that. But I don't want to wait. I don't want to get my hopes up that someone will treat me the way I want to be treated and freaking deserve to be treated, and then realize that they didn't pick me. That all the pretty promises and sweet things they were saying were nothing more that just pretty words and beautiful lies. So many guys I have dated have talked about all of these amazing things they want to do with me, and the NEVER follow through. They talk about having families, and all these wonderful things in life that I want. And then they run. I'm already free-falling, and they're slowing backing away from the ledge.

I'm that girl. I'm the girl that is ready to jump in for the right guy. I strip down to nothing, leaving a trail of myself to the edge before I plummet. I expose myself down to my bare naked soul and flaunt my imperfections to have the one that was supposed to run and jump with me head the other direction.

I think about the current person, and my heart wants to jump out of my throat. I forget how to breathe. I can not stop eating. I keep going through this pattern, and I'm sick of it.

How the hell do I find the right guy and know that it is worth it? Because all of the "Mr. Right-Guy-He-Could-Possibly-Be-The-One-I-Spend-Forever-Withs" haven't lived up to their names so far.

I want someone who isn't afraid to be with me.
I want someone who will treat me like I am the last girl they will love all their life.
I want someone that will do little things to remind me all the time that they love me.
I want someone to make me their first choice.
I want someone that loves me as much as I love them, and not in a creepy sort of way.
I want someone that will be totally intertwined with me the entire night, and won't wake up all the way on the other side of the bed.
I want someone who understands that I am my own person and will let me live my life.
I want someone who knows that we can add to each other's happiness, and not the sole source of joy.
I want someone that will take me as I am.
I want someone that will love me beyond the rest of my life.
I want someone who will love my daughter as much as I do.
I want someone willing to bring me coffee in the morning when I'm having a rough day.

Is it too much to ask? Did I lose people there? Am I really that complicated?

I've tried the dating thing. Back to knitting to give myself a mental break... Clear my head. But when the time is right, I'm ready. Bare naked, at the edge of a very high cliff, my chipped pedicure toenails curling over the edge and ready to jump.

Catch me.

Breathing...

I had a moment. It was just what I needed, and it didn't last very long, but it didn't need to. It was one of those moments that you see in the movies, where someone is alone and they realize something - the music swells and you can see the light bulb turn on above their heads.

I literally had one of those moments.

Except there was no actual light bulb.

Let me paint the picture for you.

April 2, 2011. I was driving up 400 South on my way back to my apartment after picking up my Bountiful Basket co-op order. My eyes were red and puffy from sobbing like a little baby and drinking a bunch of vodka to dull whatever somber emotion was trying to rise up inside me. My heart had been ripped out, even though the rest of the world and I saw it coming like an oncoming train. I had my iPod on shuffle, and skipped through song after song.

Keep Breathing my Ingrid Michaelson started playing, and I let it. The music fit my mood, and tears were already running down my face.

The moment comes here... I was coming up around 1100 East, and the sun was rising slowly over the mountains. The music literally swelled, and the lyrics kept repeating...

"all I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"

It was really intense. And it clicked. That figuritive lightbulb clicked above my head and the tears started falling more dramatically.

That was all I could do at that time. Keep breathing. Keep moving forward. It was not the end of the world, and someone would come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Even though I thought that was it, it clearly wasn't.

And I've decided to savor and relish in every moment and mistake made. They are what makes us who we are.

New things a happenin'

Since things ended with the Army man (really, thinking about it doesn't make me cry anymore... I may possibly even be better off. I mean really? I can't even have a movie style twirly hug with the man without getting charged by a ram. Must have been some foreshadowing for our relationship... ah hem... *trails off.....*)

Anyway... Since things ended with army man, there was pilot man. Pilot man promised a lot of things and painted a very pretty picture of a very pretty white fence, handed to me on a silver platter. Everything I wanted, wrapped up in a pretty package. Trips around the world, amazing dates, an amazing life. A life that he had already built and a life I could just walk into. Eventually it became very apparent that his pretty words were no more than that... pretty words.

It became very apparent when he told me I should keep dating other people.

um....

PuhSQUEEZE ME?

If you really wanted to be with me, you wouldn't tell me to keep dating other people. Seriously? Whatever...

Typical pilot. You and your pretty words can continue to do whatever you do best... but I probably won't be waiting around.

On that note... I said to myself, "Self, how are you going to meet other people if you are playing with kids all day? Most of the kids in your center belong to married parents, and you met the one single father you fed you pretty words and lies."

Answer? The internets.

A friend of mine may or may not have met her fiance through eHarmony, so I decided to give it a shot. Those dates seem to be going pretty well... Nothing to exciting to report yet. No fluffy butterflies floating around my tummy. No one is giving me the insane "I have to be with this person" feeling... So we'll wait and see. It's still early in the game, and I'm sure more exciting things will come.

I did have a date take me on a carriage ride, however. *yay me!*

That was actually very romantic. Probably the closest to woo that I have been in a very long time. And the guy was super sweet to boot.

What else...

I have kind of become a model for an amazing group known as the SaltCity Bombers. I am so excited to become part of this project! Anyone that reads should come to our events and support us as much as possible. Most of what the group does is nonprofit, for charity work... Promotion of various causes and diseases and promotion of small business. Amazing people doing amazing work. I am very happy with the concept, and can't think of anything better to be a part of.

Finally, all that money spent on modeling classes and learning how to do make up pays off!! I love the entire idea.

I seem to have a problem doing something I love if I'm forced to do it... If I have to write, I would rather do it for fun than be forced to do it. If I have to do anything to let my creative side out, I would rather do it willingly (and for a good cause) than have my arm twisted to do it.

Just sayin....

This Bombers thing is going to rock. :)

It's been a while...

But the story continues.

Spoiler alert! It didn't work out. I didn't move to Oregon or Washington. He ended up not being the love of my life, and we didn't live happily ever after. But that is life.

Even though it didn't end in "Happily ever after" the story is still something that shaped me. And it was still a wonderful relationship, while it lasted. It ripped out my heart and gave me hope all at the same time.

And made me join eHarmony.

Anyway.... *shifty awkward eyes*

*clears throat*

Pretend you didn't just read that.

We'll do a kind of nutshell/Reader's Digest version of what happened, because much has happened since then and this is something that I don't really want to dwell on...

He and I had a moment on a hill while the sun was setting where I ran into his arms and he gave me the long awaited and promised twirly hug... Then I was charged at by a ram.

Seriously.

A ram. Like... Horned sheep. Came running in my general direction. So what did I do? Throw him in front of me and ran. I admit it openly.

We got stuck in a huge muddy area on a Gator, which he did on purpose to get me alone to talk to me. It was kind of funny actually... In a nerdy, jock sweet kind of way. If that is possible. The first night there we had a huge fire pit and a ton of family came up. There were a million people crammed into a one room shack with a busted shower and a wood pellet furnace.

Yup. We know how to roll on the west coast, dude.

He and I stayed up talking for at least an hour after everyone else had fallen asleep... We got to talk about all the things that we said we would have to talk about in person, and I just stayed totally wrapped up in his arms.

Eventually we made our way up to Astoria the next day, after spending some time being lazy on the property.... We found an amazing place for dinner that was to die for and grabbed some cheesecake to take back to the bed and breakfast that we found. Every other place was totally booked, and by chance we called Clementine's. It was perfect. We stayed in the "Moose Temple" (his nickname was Moose) and the building actually used to be an old LDS church.

Too many things were fitting together. That, and the amazing scones we had for breakfast on the way to the Astoria Column before we flew the little wooden planes on my birthday... Everything just fit together. There was no coincidence. The was just us and fate. A voice in my head told me to jump, and I dove straight in.


So the entire weekend was magical. I got to spend time with my best friend and the godbaby. I got to see family and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. I got to wrap my head around the idea that I could have that life.

Then it happened.

I month later, when I made another trip out to the West Coast, this time to Seattle (for the first time) I could tell he was already distancing himself. Things we used to talk about, we didn't talk about anymore. He called less. He didn't seem as interested as he was before. The honeymoon phase wasn't just over - it was DONE. I could see it coming from a million miles away. I saw the warning signs, but I convinced myself that it was just because I was trying to make excuses to ruin a good thing.

By the night of April 1, 2011 - it was over. I wasn't what he wanted and he didn't want a girlfriend, much less a girlfriend that lived in a different state with a child.

But it's okay. We had our moment. We had an incredible weekend and another weekend that was just... well, whatever.

Some people were shocked. Some people kept saying he would come back. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't, and that it would be okay.

I don't cry when I think about him anymore. It doesn't make me sad.

There is no such thing as a mistake. Every "mistake" is a learning experience. What you do with it is what matters.

So I kept breathing (after drinking a lot of vodka) and realized that there must be something bigger for me out there. It was going to come to me whenever it and I were both ready. I'm still waiting for it...

Any time now...


Ah hem....


So I keep living my life, and doing what makes me happy. One day at a time. It wasn't the end of the world. It may have just been the beginning of a whole new world for me.

The birthday weekend!!

To say that my birthday weekend was epic would be an understatement. Legendary? May not even begin to describe it. Epically legendary? Possible.

I don't think I can recall every little detail that happened, but it all lead up to making some pretty amazing memories. It made me home sick. It all made me want to go to my apartment, pack up my things, and turn right back around and live in Oregon. I will openly admit it. I'm an Oregon girl through and through, and I can't wait until I can get back over there. Permanently.

It was hard to leave Tegan. I had to leave her for the whole weekend, and I used to do it all the time whenever I had to work at the hospital on a weekend, but this was the first time I had to leave her to go to another state. I knew she was left in good hands, thanks to my Airhead and the Ninja, but it was still hard. It helped that I had no reception the first night I was there, or I would have been calling to bug them every five minutes.

The plane ride was mellow... Two hours of my mind racing and listening to my iPod. I let my thoughts wander wherever they wanted to go, and they kept going back to HIM. I was excited to meet my godson for the first time. I was so excited to see my best friend from childhood and see how she played out as a mother. I was excited to see the "family" that had developed in my absence. I was excited to see water and greeness. My heart was racing. On top of all of that, I would see this man that I had been talking to over the last six months. Even though we had met three times before, I would finally get to see him after talking.... After getting to know each other for six months. We had made plans, we had talked about what that moment would be like. We had never touched each other, never even shaken hands... what would it be like?

I sent five different text messages and made phone calls when I got off the plane... I came walking past security and saw my childhood friend dancing in excitement to see me. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! All my worries were washed away and I felt right at home.

We were talking about plans for the weekend (she told me her mother was in the car with her son... LIAR.) and a hand touched mine.

I heard a familiar voice behind me say, "Excuse me, miss... Can I help you with that?"

My heart stopped.

I turned around ready to punch whoever it was that was trying to steal my luggage, when I realized that it was him standing by me. My jaw dropped. My eyes bugged out of my head, and I gave him an awkward side hug. I was totally caught off guard, and Chelsea was laughing.

They had the truck all packed up and ready to go and we were on our way to the property where we would spend the first night. I kept looking up at him in total shock. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for the feelings and everything that came with seeing him. And I wasn't expecting to see him until later in the evening. I climbed in the back seat and he put my luggage in the back... He was a total gentleman, and it didn't let up, even after I left.

And handed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. :)

It took a while to get used to looking at him when I talked to him. It was pretty intense. I had heard this voice for six months and pictured his face when he was talking to me... but it was so weird to see him and hear him at the same time. His facial expressions, his smile! It was all a lot to get used to. A lot to take in.

Chelsea and I talked the entire way up to the property... We made plans and talked housewife talk... Baby proofing, cooking, recipes, business ideas... I've missed being close to her. With every word, I was mentally packing up my apartment to make it all happen faster.

So this property was amazing. 300 acres of beautiful land - green... Mud. We got dirty and played like Oregonians do.

something about a white picket fence...

For those of you who really know me, I am not a picket fence person.

I am making that very clear. I think they are hideous in a "Stepford wife" sort of way. I never want to be that wife... The wife that wears heels while she's baking a pie for her husband, waiting by the door with his slippers and pipe in hand. I am not a 50s sitcom wife. My life is not a black and white movie. I do not want a white picket fence and plastic on the furniture. I do not want 2.5 kids and a dog. You know what? I think I can find a picture...



NO. No thank you. It will not do. I can not be that type of family.... The Leave it to Beaver type of family.

That being said...

I keep having dreams. Dreams the involve the type of family that I want when I grow up. I keep getting this feeling... I know what I want and I know that I really want it and who I want it with. It's freaky. And I can see it totally happening.

I see bonfires by water of some kind. I see BBQs with friends and family. I see a dog and a house - but not just any house. And old house that we have made into our own. A garden. Hardwood floors and a wood burning fireplace. Warm colored walls... an island in the kitchen with a bar area where we eat breakfast. Counter space! Freaking counter space! And home cooked meals... I want my house to have a natural feel to it... warm and natural. Lots of wood and wrought iron and stone... A back porch where we sit and watch people run around in our backyard. Trips to the beach - which is not very far away...

One of the most important things in this dream is that we made this house into what we want. It feels old and very lived in and happy... because we made it that way.

I don't really know if any of it will happen... But I keep having dreams. I keep getting little signs that the road I'm headed down is the right one. When I start to doubt or feel like I'm downing, something saves me. Something brings me back to the surface so I can see that I'm getting closer to what I want.

It may all just be a dream. It may end up being a total nightmare... But right now, I'll pretend that it's the right way to happily ever after. Who knows? This could be it.


School is finally working in my favor. Work is finally working in my favor. Things are going the way that they need to. I've worked hard for it all and it's paying off.

I am living proof that with a lot of faith and support, with a lot of hard work... It's possible to make it and be a single mom. It's possible to make a terrible situation into something wonderful.

It is possible to make lemonade from lemons (and find a friend that has vodka, if needed....)

You don't have to marry someone because they got you pregnant. Stepford wives don't have the kind of happiness I do. I don't have to rely on someone else to be happy. Happiness doesn't have to come with a white picket fence.