Breathing...

I had a moment. It was just what I needed, and it didn't last very long, but it didn't need to. It was one of those moments that you see in the movies, where someone is alone and they realize something - the music swells and you can see the light bulb turn on above their heads.

I literally had one of those moments.

Except there was no actual light bulb.

Let me paint the picture for you.

April 2, 2011. I was driving up 400 South on my way back to my apartment after picking up my Bountiful Basket co-op order. My eyes were red and puffy from sobbing like a little baby and drinking a bunch of vodka to dull whatever somber emotion was trying to rise up inside me. My heart had been ripped out, even though the rest of the world and I saw it coming like an oncoming train. I had my iPod on shuffle, and skipped through song after song.

Keep Breathing my Ingrid Michaelson started playing, and I let it. The music fit my mood, and tears were already running down my face.

The moment comes here... I was coming up around 1100 East, and the sun was rising slowly over the mountains. The music literally swelled, and the lyrics kept repeating...

"all I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"

It was really intense. And it clicked. That figuritive lightbulb clicked above my head and the tears started falling more dramatically.

That was all I could do at that time. Keep breathing. Keep moving forward. It was not the end of the world, and someone would come along and love me like I deserved to be loved. Even though I thought that was it, it clearly wasn't.

And I've decided to savor and relish in every moment and mistake made. They are what makes us who we are.

the good, the bad, and the whatever.

We went to the doctor today. Not always the best experience. Tegan will be 18 weeks on Friday, and she is doing everything early. She was born two weeks early, her umbilical chord stump fell off a week early, and now she's doing everything else early too! Babies usually roll over at around six months, but she's been rolling for a couple weeks already. Which means she'll be crawling and walking early too. Time really does fly. She is so smart! She talks all the time. And she knows how to grab things. Like her toys, my hair, and my thumbs whenever I try to text when I hold her. The doctor is amazed every time with how healthy she is and how quickly she's developing. She is really the light of my world right now, and I would not give her up for anything. And she is worth all the drama that I've gone through that actually put me where I am today... and all the other drama I'm going through now!

At the doctor's today she got her shots updated. She did okay at the office... they poked her, and she cried, and I almost punched them.... But she was okay and smiling after about 30 seconds. She slept most of the day when we got home, but when she was awake she was crying like no other. It's been insanely difficult to see her in pain and not be able to do anything about it. But I know worse things are going to happen as she gets older, and I'll still hold her helplessly while she cries.


In other news....

Work kinda sucks. I love working in the hospital, and would love to do nursing. But this housekeeping stuff has got to go. I am literally cleaning up other people's shit. Do you call that a good time? Nursing isn't always pretty, but that would really make me feel like I'm helping people. Don't get me wrong... hospitals need to be cleaned. They can get really gross. But that's not helping people the way I want to. It's so hard to have my CNA license and not be able to use it. A job opened up on the floor that I love working on. But sadly, I probably won't get the position because a girl that worked there a year ago applied to work there again. And they really like her. You never know though. It just gets really tiring to feel like I get the short end of the stick all the time.... And whoever keeps handing me the short end of the stick thinks it's really funny to shake it as hard as they can while I try to hold on for dear life. It's not fun anymore. And I feel like my managers don't listen to me like they should. I feel totally disposable.

It will be so worth it once I actually start taking my nursing classes and get headed further in that direction. I'm going to stick it out until I get where I want to be. Waiting sucks though.

In other bad news... haha, not funny. Anyway, Mike and I broke up. Which was really hard. He and I had been off and on for a few years, and I will always love him. In fact, he is still one of my best friends. For a while, I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. I was trying on wedding dresses and getting different ideas together for our wedding. And then something clicked.... I realized that he wasn't who I was supposed to be with. That there was someone so much better for both of us. I tried to keep seeing a future with him, and it just wasn't there. I pictured it a million different ways and he wasn't in any part of it. Which made me really sad. I was devastated. I don't think he understood how hard it was for me to break it off with him. But keeping him would have been selfish. If there was someone out there that could love him more than I could, I wanted him to be able to have that chance, and if he was with me, it wouldn't have happened. With me he would have been miserable.

I've been trying to get Tegan to sleep in her crib at night. It doesn't go very well all the time. And the only times I can really do it are the nights when I don't have to work the next day. One step at a time. Baby steps if you will. Being a mommy is one of the best things ever. It's so hard and easy and exciting at the same time.... and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I've been painting the nursery. It's been so fun! It's all classic Winnie the Pooh. I'm about half way done. If you want to see pictures of that it's on my Facebook.

Anyway.... I promise I'll have more good news next time. I just thought it would be good to get everything out there and caught up.

TTFN