Preparing a care package...

Dear Mother Nature,

On behalf of the people of Northern Utah, my friends and I have taken the opportunity to put together a little care package for you... Enclosed is a case of Midol, some super jumbo peri pads, and a flat of tampons. Clearly you need to get your PMS under control... I highly recommend getting on some form of birth control, like an IUD or the NuvaRing. I can recommend a very good OBGYN, if necessary.

In the off chance that you are pregnant, which would be a miracle considering how old it is believed you are, we have also enclosed various pregnancy tests, all of which I used to try and prove my friends wrong when they were trying to convince me that I was pregnant.

Please do not take this offensively, as we are just trying to help. Some people in Utah actually do like warm weather every once in a while.

Sincerely yours,
Mandy and friends

(There is no return address, because we don't want lightening to strike in anger... and we don't know where to send this package, so we will keep launching it up in the air with a cannon until it doesn't come back....)

I get home from work early, and you know what I do? Start my five loads of laundry. Yes. Five of them. 1.2.3.4.5. FIVE.

Almost done... But folding is the worst part. If I don't keep going with it all at once, it won't get done and it will all just sit in the baskets and get all gross and wrinkled. But in good time, it will be finished.... It's a massive pile though... and it sucked to carry it all down to the laundry room...

Anyway... The picture is one that one of my friends took! She did such a great job... and she has a real eye for this kind of stuff. Molly Jones, you are a total sweetheart! No joke.

Not only is Molly an amazing photographer, she is also an amazing person. And she is the girl after me. By the girl after me, I mean, she is the girl that dated Brown Boot after me. And by dated, I mean, they were together for about two years after he and I were apparently done. Yes, I saw your jaw drop. Pick it back up.

I think its time we stop letting relationships with boys get in the way of having girl friends. We need the support from each other! We really do. And if you stop turning up your nose and quit being such a bitch, you could actually have a support system and not feel like the world hates you.

News flash... The world is not always out to get you.

Unless someone tells you they are...

I'm just sayin'.

She felt the same things I did. We had a talk about it during the photoshoot, and it was actually really nice to talk to someone else that felt the same way about the same person. Surprisingly, I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel scared. I came away feeling like I had made a new friend that would be around for a while.

Being friends with the girls I thought I was going to hate was actually the best thing that I could have done.

Not only did we have more in common than I would have imagined, but I found that they are amazing people. They make me smile and giggle every day. Wonderful, wonderful people.

Why wouldn't they be?

Anyway. I love this girl. She is a little ray of sunshine in a world that is normally dark and twisty.

Enough gushing about how wonderful she is...

I just finished my required studying for this week for my online class. And I love it. I feel so comfortable learning about this stuff, and it feels so... Second nature to me! I am happy to say, I feel like I'm going in a good direction with my career choice. I hope it stays that way. I get little moments, even at my current job, that get me excited to teach. I've been smiling. I've been happy. I feel... content.

:) <---- see, that's my happy face.

Kind of. I look like crap, so I'm not taking a picture of what I look like now.

Bla bla bla...

Okay, no more distractions. Time to tend to the mountain of laundry that is piling up before me... *shudder.*

If no one hears from me relatively soon, it probably means that I have been smothered by the massive pile of clothes that lay before me....

If you love them... Let them know.

Working in a hospital is dangerous. It's scary. We face death almost everyday... Usually it's not the staff dying, but someone, somewhere is. Code blue's are called in the hospital, and it doesn't really have much of an affect unless you're on that floor or on the code team.

But it happens. You don't always know when. You don't always know where.

I'm currently watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy that is making my heart stop....

If a shooter came into the hospital, what would you do?

Would you run up and punch the guy in the face?

Would you deny your position if the shooter asked to save your own life?

Would you hide?

Would you try to help those that had been shot?

When the man who shot your lover asked you for help tend to his wounds, would you help him?

Would you make a phone call to someone you loved to tell them you loved them?

A million thoughts are running through my head as the events of this episode play out, I put my self in their place. Which is the worst thing I could possibly do before bed time.

I see them drop one by one. People I don't know, fictional characters in a TV show, getting shot, and I relate them to people I know. My heart stops. I put my self in their shoes, whether it be pumps, Sketchers, or sensible dress shoes. I walk each step they walk in those halls. One foot in front of the other... One breath at a time.

My thoughts turn to the people that I would want to talk to if I knew my time was running out...

I would probably send a text message to everyone I wanted to talk to because I can text faster than dial numbers...

I would tell My Person that I love her, and that I've always loved her. That no one would ever replace her.

I would tell Brown Boot that I have always loved him and will always love him, and that the relationship I had with him changed my life and made me a better person.

I would tell other people close to me that they meant the world to me... and it would probably be a mass text because I know I wouldn't have time to send an individual message to each person that touched my life...

I would leave something for Tegan so she would know how much she means to me and how much I truly love her... That she is my entire world and that all the bad things in her life had already happened after I was gone, if I had to leave.


Then I would run up and kick the shit out of the guy, in hopes he wouldn't make it to killing anyone else.

Or tend to the wounds that I could care for.


I still haven't decided yet. It would of course depend on where I was and what chances I had of doing what I wanted to do.

My point is... why wait to tell someone until it was too late? Why put it off to the last minute?

What good is loving someone if they or you are gone?

Love fully. Laugh loud. Live in the moment.

relationships need subtitles

Seriously.

I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm okay with it. Kinda. I mean, I would like to get married one day. I dream of the wedding with the church and the dress and the handsome man at the end of the aisle. And the flowers. And the cheese cake. And the cute house with the BBQ and the man that knows how to work the BBQ and actually make delicious food. I can see it all there. Right at my fingertips. I could have it if I wanted it, and I do.

But the face of the man at the end of the aisle and manning the BBQ is blank. I have no idea who that person is, and apparently I haven't even met the guy yet. One day, maybe.

I'm okay not having someone there all the time. I'm okay being single. And I'm happy.

That being said, I recently broke things of with someone that I started to see.

We knew each other for a total of one month. ONE. Four weeks = one month. We talked for two, then we started hanging out and going on dates. And things started moving really fast. Snowballing. But the snowball started out big and just kept getting bigger and going faster, even though there is no actual snow outside right now! (instead, I have an awesome farmer's tan from the zoo. From freezing to roasting. Seriously. Mother Nature needs to cut this crap out.)

So, things started moving fast. This guy was insanely nice. He made me smile. He was really cute. Really sweet. And really thoughtful.

And really insecure.

He was constantly asking me if things were okay.

"Is everything alright?"
"Are you okay?"
"Are you happy?"
"Do you like me?"
"Do you STILL like me?"

Seriously. At first it was all really sweet. It was nice to have someone care about me as much as he did, and he actually showed it. He went out of his way to make me comfortable. Which hadn't happened in a long time. But the insecurity bugged me.

I do not claim to be perfect at all. I'm far from perfect. Yes, I'm a single mother, but I have my shit together. I'm in school and I work full time and I love being with my daughter. I used to be the insecure one, who totally depended on someone else for my happiness. And I saw this relationship going that direction. I saw things that I used to do, and I wanted to avoid the crashing and burning.

I stressed that like crazy. No crashing and burning. No going to fast. I have a lot on my plate to worry about... I have a really big picture I need to take in every time I date a guy. And this doesn't mean that I analyze every guy I meet and try to figure out if they are husband potential in five minutes. That stuff only happens in Utah county. (*wink wink*)

So after a great night with this guy, when he asks me a million questions to make sure I'm happy, I have a talk with him. He had told me several times that if we needed to slow down he was okay with it. That I was in control of the relationship and how fast it moved.

So I told him. I wanted the snowball to stop rolling down the hill for a bit, and thaw so it didn't turn out too big too fast.

And the insecurity... It had to be fixed. We could date, but he needed to work on his insecurity and confidence, because it was a huge turn off. Moving that fast with someone that isn't secure makes it even worse. Especially when there is a kid involved.

I talked to him for an hour, explaining that I liked him a lot and that I cared about him a lot and that it was because I liked him so much, I wanted to talk to him instead of just leaving. I wanted to work things out and have a healthy relationship. No crashing and burning. No massive snowballs rolling through cities and destroying civilization.

I liked him, and wanted it to work. And to have it work, I needed to go slower. I needed to take Tegan out of the picture with him because they were getting too attached to each other too fast. I needed things to go back to just wooing and dating. He and I had to be a couple before we could be a family.

We knew each other for a month, and things were going at full speed from day one.

We understood that things were moving a million miles an hour, and I was okay with it. It didn't scare me until I got to know him better. And the insecurity really started to show.

And I knew we could get past it and that it was a fixable problem.

After an hour of talking, we felt okay about things and finally said good night.

Well, the next day, we're talking. We made plans to go to the aquarium because we wanted to see the penguins. I sent him a picture of Tegan doing something that I told him about that he hadn't seen and told him I missed him. Seeing no harm in it.

But apparently I confused the hell out of him.

Apparently I can't make plans to go to the aquarium, because that's like making plans to buy a house and planing a wedding.

I can't send him a picture of that thing that Tegan did because it's being all cute and sentimental.

I can't tell him I miss him, because I'm sending him mixed signals.

I guess I just confused the all living hell out of him. We have to be moving fast or not at all.

He didn't tell me anything. He didn't say it was a problem. No, instead, that night he told our mutual friend that things were pretty much over between us.

When she asked me about it, I told her what happened, and she said he must just be upset and overreacting. Things would mellow out and he would be okay. Things would work out.

Well, that's when I decided to ask him if things were really over.

No response. Two hours go by and no answer.

(I know he got the message because we were on BBM together, and it tells you when someone sees the message.)

So finally I say that it's the wrong time to just not answer me.

The next day was no picnic. That would be today. He freaked out at me. Tried to flip everything around and that I was the one being insecure. It was my fault. He tried to rationalize and justify everything so that it wasn't his fault. No need to go into the whole argument, but one of the last things he really said to me was that I had issues because I have a child.

Let me tell you this, mister.

Me having a child has nothing to do with my issues. Yes, it can cause some, but I got over mine. I'm happy with where I am in my life. I'm confident, and I have my head on my shoulders and I know where I want to go in my life. Yes, I may be dark and twisty. But Tegan is not the cause of my issues. I was messed up before she got here. And I've fixed a lot of the stuff that I thought of as issues. So don't you dare blame any of this on her.

You don't have a child and you have a lot more issues than I do.

You're the one that fucked this up here. Not me.

Summer is... the smell of grass clippings.

I will proudly admit that I am a huge fan of freshly cut grass. It smells so good to me! The other day, the landscapers cut the grass and it rained soon afterward. The smell filled the air, and there was a little bit of sunshine. I rolled down my car windows and took a deep breath... It felt like home. I felt peace. And I smiled.

Mother Nature still seems to be a bit bipolar as of late... It starts off bright and sunny, and then it will randomly start pouring rain, then go back to bright and sunny. Although it's been a few weeks since snow. Or hail. *shakes fist*

But today, finally, I can look out the window and not be confused as to why the birds are chirping. So we will venture to the zoo. I haven't been since I got the pass and I want to make the most of it... Even though a bunch of the exhibits are closing for remodel. Apparently I picked the wrong year to get a pass.

Because it has been a while (for which I am not apologizing for because, quite frankly, that is getting old), I think we are due for an update!

Tegan now has 8 teeth. That's right, I said 8. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8. She seems to be moving at the speed of light... Her personality is coming out a lot more and people seem to be falling heads over heels for her. At the current moment we are working on potty training. Just the beginning steps. Right now she things that if she goes into the bathroom, she gets a sticker.... But she has gone in the big girl potty a lot! She is only 15 months old and so smart... I'm sure it will happen before I know it.

She has effectively learned how to say "No."

It's actually adorable, and I'm sure it won't drive me crazy until she's older.

It started with the coffee table. She would start to put her leg up to climb onto it and I would say, "No, Tegan. Put your leg down please."

And she would put her leg down and say, "No. No. No."

Then she would put her leg on the table and I would give her the mommy look, and she would put her leg down and tell herself, "No."

Well... Now I actually don't get to tell her "No" until she is standing on the coffee table watching TV. When I tell her to get down she turns and looks at me, says "No." in a very stern voice, and turns back to watching TV. Then she pitches a fit because I take her down and turn the TV off.

I'm a good mommy... :P

She is learning how to dance too... Every time she hears music she likes, she runs around and bounces. It is so adorable! She is such a happy and sweet baby....

SPRING SEMESTER IS OVER! WOO!!!

Grades are slowly posting... B in Human Development and a B+ in History. :) I couldn't be happier.

And classes start again on Monday. No worries though.... My classes for Summer are actually fun and they don't last very long. I have darkroom photography on campus, another class online, and my canyoneering class that doesn't meet until June. But I'm so excited for it all! Hopefully I can decide what I really want to do... It's been on my mind a lot lately...

Do I really want to be a nurse? Is that the direction I really want to go in my life? I'm at work, and I'm working with these patients, helping them do whatever it is they need help with... and I love it. But then I get home with my daughter, and I read her stories and we play games and dance around the living room and we play outside... And I love the way her eyes light up when she's learning. I love her giggle and her smile... I love when she says new words. I love teaching her.

And I never thought I would be good with kids. Seriously. But since I have had her, and especially after one of the classes I took last semester, I have a better grasp on how their minds work and I actually love them. I want to be that person and help them learn. I want to be a kindergarten teacher. I want to be their Mrs. Clays.

But... Mrs. Clays was really old (and she may not have been as old as I thought is was because I was like 5 at the time and everyone older than you seems old....)

I want to teach the new generation and touch their lives... And make learning fun. I have all these ideas floating around in my head, but Tegan is too little for all of them.

Is there a way I can have both?

I keep thinking about doing home health during the summer when I'm not teaching classes... I keep having dreams about moving up to Oregon and giving Tegan the type of childhood I had.

I don't know it's all dreams and it's all ideas floating around in my head...

I can tell you that going through the teaching program as a single mother would be a lot easier than going through the nursing program.

It's all a big mess of whatever in my head right now. I wanna have the best of both worlds... And I'm sure I can find a way. We'll see how things go after this summer semester. I have a feeling that I'll understand it all better.

I do love where I work. It has its moments of chaos. But I love the people I work with, for the most part. And I love the company. And I love the benefits. I love a lot of things about where I work. But I'm not sure if I would love something else more.

Flip flop flip flop.

Whatever.

Still single. By the way. In case anyone was wondering. I am seeing someone, but in an effort to take it slow, we're not in a relationship. I'll have to get into that more later... Today I'm going to the Zoo. And Mother Nature can't stop me.