darker than coffee

So... I miss downtown. And it really got me down. It made me feel dark and scared inside. Now I know what I want, where I want to be, where I feel like I belong.... How the hell do I get there?

Step one... Get a job. Cool. Easy, right? Not when I'm trying to work in the medical field, and everyone wants experience already. Bull crap. Who wants to hire a single pregnant chick who is going to need to take some time off after baby is born? No one. Things are also easier when there is a reliable mode of transportation involved... Like a car. Or a public transit system that runs at a decent time. HA! Good one. Not in Utah County... So to really get a job and keep it and start saving money, I need a car. Or I could continue to get rides from random people in the neighborhood who keep giving me lectures about how I should go back to church and what I should do with baby. Mom always told me to never ride in a car with a stranger, but she's the one calling these crazy people to drive me all over the place. You make no sense lady. They don't even offer me candy! Instead, I get crap about the way I'm living my life because it's different than theirs. Give me lots of hard candy, so I can crunch on it and totally tune out the stupid religious crap that you're trying to shove down my throat. That way you can feel validated, and I can satisfy my pregnancy cravings.

Step two.... Get a car. Which means I would need a job so I can have money to make the car payments, and for gas, and insurance, and all that awesome car goodness. But to really get a good job, I would need a car to get there. See step one. Stupid endless cycle.

Step three... Slam my head against the wall because just thinking about the first two steps makes things seem impossible.

Step four... Come up with new step one and step two so we can skip step three and four and have a successful step five.... which will be created after step one and two get worked out.

Step five-million-six-hundred-and-two... hopefully look back and realize that all the baby steps that lead me where I am were totally worth it, and that everything will work out. Happiness. Right? Seriously? Good lord.

It's not impossible. Just hard. And things will look up soon, right? There is a way to make it happen. That life I want is right there. I just wish that life for once could be easy. That would be nice. It would be really nice to drink a cup of black coffee than feel like my heart has turned darker than the same intoxicating liquid (that if you can't tell yet, I have a craving for,) that should be in the cup that I would like to be sipping.

Okay... deep breath. Here's what we can do... Deal with stupid crap for now, but don't forget the good things. Right? So what... I focus on finding a job. A good one. Maybe work a day or two somewhere fun, but focus more on the career. Save, save, save. Save money for a car. Save money for baby. Save money for moving downtown and breaking free. Save money so that one day, I won't feel so stuck and trapped. Very doable. Right? Right.

I'm just tired of feeling stuck. I left Florida because I had lost my independence, and I wanted to get it back. Now, it seems like I have even less independence than before. I can have a life. I can do the things I've always wanted to do. It's not impossible. Just keep telling me that. I can do it....

chug-a chug-a chug-a choo choo! I will soooo show that little engine that could what's up.

Life is a lot different than I wanted it to be. But that's okay. Sometimes when you go to the counter at a coffee house, they hand you the wrong drink, or it's made differently. Sometimes it will taste like shit, and other times you might like it more than what you had originally ordered.

Coffee substitute is so not like the real thing... at all. Gross. Not like I can have a cigarette either. And no beer. Or wine. Damn... A nice glass of wine would be really good right now.

right where i left it...

I went to Coffee Break today!

Yeah, yeah... People can say whatever they want about that place. But I can promise you, it's not a place I go to be seen. I go there because I went there for years, and I know people there. And if I make the drinks, they taste good.

I love downtown... I feel like I took it for granted when I lived there before. This time, I went with my mom and her friend to Sage's Cafe. Even though I'm not vegetarian, the food is always delicious, and any one that has gone there with me has raved about it for weeks... wait... years. Literally. Even though I suggested a million other places to go so I could broaden the palate of my mom and her friend, she insisted on going there. At least I can sneak people into eating tofu and they won't even notice it!

On the way there, my heart was beating a million miles a minute. I have missed downtown so much. There is nothing like the culture that is in downtown Salt Lake City. Every thing I passed brought so many memories of what my life was like before I moved away. I miss the Broadway Centre and the Tower Theater, where my friends and I used to watch independent films. I miss the local coffee shops, that are EVERYWHERE! The different restaurants... Oh man... There are so many local restaurants, and none of them are the same. The music scene, the bar scene, the art scene... I even miss going to the library, just to go and randomly pick a book that I would soon end up loving even though it didn't have any pictures. I miss the street vendor that I used to get two hot dogs from. One for me and one for my dog. I miss the guy that would play his pan pipes, even though he didn't have any fingers. Somehow, we always found something to do, even if we didn't have any money.

The people downtown are so real. Most of them, anyway... Depending on where you go or who you know. I never realized how much I missed just the idea of being downtown, and being able to walk everywhere, or know that the UTA transit system could take me anywhere I wanted to go.

I left to try and find myself.... I moved away, because I felt stuck, and like I needed to get out. I'm pretty sure that everyone feels that way at some point. It was so hard to pack up all my stuff, give things away, and say goodbye to what I had... I honestly felt like Florida was the place I needed to be, and for a while I felt like I belonged. I went to Disney World, to the beach, and to a couple different bars. It was a much needed vacation that lasted almost an entire year. I got to experience life outside of Utah, and I knew that at some point I would miss home and want to come back... I just never realized how badly I would miss the life I once had.

After we grabbed some dinner, I went to Coffee Break. I walked up the steps, and didn't even get inside before I saw a familiar face, and it was so good to see someone NORMAL! We talked like I had never been gone in the first place... I finally felt like I belonged. Like I really belonged. I knew where everything was, and I felt comfortable, but not too comfortable. I had a perma-grin, and I was okay with it. I talked to people I had never met before, and they understood me. I didn't have to explain myself over and over - these people were on my same level, on my same wave length. And it felt soooooo damn good. On top of that, the girls behind the counter knew who I was because the owner had talked about me to them... Strangely he said good things. They even let me behind the counter twice so I could make my drink my way, and they didn't make a big deal about it. It was way better than anything someone could get at Burger King.

I still love the beach and palm trees and seashells... It's just not the place I really belong. The place I belong is right were I left it. The life I've always wanted is right at my fingertips, and has been staring straight into my eyes. It has always had open arms for me... It just took a little while, and a detour to realize that I wanted to be wrapped up in this city's arms.

One day, in an ideal world, my child and I will live downtown in a small house up in the Avenues, that is old but full of character and history... With a porch, and a small backyard. With or without a man on my arm. We will stroll down the streets, play in the snow or leaves that have gathered in the parks; or spend a day at Liberty Park playing on the playground, feeding the ducks, riding the rides, and looking at different displays. We'll have our place that we will go every Sunday for breakfast. And every Tuesday, I'll read the Salt Lake City Weekly. I will have friends that will go out with me for a couple drinks and some pleasant conversation. We will go see independent movies and see local bands play at the Gallivan Plaza. And every Saturday, we'll look at the displays and vendors at the Farmers Market when the season is right.

I had a moment as the sun started to set behind the cityscape, and I was sitting at my table outside that I had always sat at.... I was home. I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to find it. But the journey has been nice. Sometimes, it takes a little bit of wandering to find that the life you always wanted was right there waiting for you to come and take it by the hand, and enjoy it as much as possible. And I'm sure that I needed to have the experiences I have had to appreciate what I have and to know what I want. I wouldn't be me with out anything I've gone through.

It's always been right there... that life I want has been waiting right where I left it. And one day I will be wrapped up in the arms of that city again... Happiness is just around the corner.

30 Things That Change After You Have A Baby

What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body ... finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

And from our readers...

1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom

2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous

3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte

4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom

5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne

6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye

7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous

8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda

9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom

10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom

11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom

12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara

13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey

14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom

15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom


I found this at BabyCenter.com

Spiced Cider

I am someone that is easily entertained...

Simple things in life make me happy. Right now, I'm extremely excited for cold weather. The leaves in the mountains have barely started to change color, and the air barely has a bite to it as the sun begins to set each night. I have never been excited for winter. I have always hated the snow, and Christmas each year seemed to upset me for whatever reason... But this year, something is different.

I can't wait for all the trees to start changing color and bring autumn romance into the air. The crisp, distinct smell that they have as they start to fall, and crunch under the feet of those walking on the street or playing in the yard, turning each one into a skeleton of what it once was. Fall is about comfort... Even though it's cold outside, people think warmth. It's roasting marshmallows various nuts on an open flame. Hot apple cider and hot chocolate. Warm colors. Red, stuffy noses and sneezes. Warm coats, and scarves and mittens. Mashed potatoes, roasted turkey and ham, and pumpkin pie.

I've NEVER liked pumpkin pie! But for some reason, this year, something is different. I can't wait for my mom to make it so I can have a bit. I can't wait to gather all my yarn and start knitting scarves. At Bath and Body Works, I was overwhelmed by different smells... Which can be really good and bad when you're pregnant. But I found one that my nose would not turn away from... Spiced Cider... My mother insisted on buying a diffuser for me so I could totally wrap myself in it. Every time I light it, it makes me so happy. Comfort smells. Of course you can't drink essential oils... you could but that would be dangerous. Just the idea of this aroma filling the air can calm my nerves, no matter how lonely I get or how many tears I've cried.

The idea of Christmas this year... I don't know what it is, but something is different. Last year was the first time I had a significant other over the holidays that actually spent time with me. Every year before that, I was alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.... No, wait, a couple years ago, I had my first New Year's kiss. But last year, I only spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend, and the next morning we had to go into work and get the restaurant ready. No gifts were exchanged. All we had that night were candles, a warm bubble bath, champagne, and each other. It was so simple, but one of the most romantic nights we had together.

But the brown boot that I have been so in love with since my Junior year of high school was always gone for the holidays... spending time with his family, and calling me at midnight his time when the ball dropped to tell me he loved me. And I was okay with that. It was hard to be alone, when really he was just a phone call away. But in all the ads for winter clothes, there are couples holding hands in the snow, having snowball fights, and smiling. Sitting by a fire, with a mug of some kind of hot adult beverage, that your parents always swore was hot chocolate. I dreaded the holidays every year, because I knew he would leave. We would exchange presents before he would leave and have our own little Christmas party, and then he would be gone. Except two years ago, when he finally ended it. That was the first year he was supposed to come have Thanksgiving with my family, and he broke up with me the day before... Then I miscarried the first week of that December. The smell of this Spiced Cider made all those bad memories go away...

I don't know what it is about this year. I believe I have every reason to hate the holidays whenever they roll around. This year, I'll be more single than ever. It's the first year, I won't have anyone, and not just because we broke up days before. But the idea of snow... Snowmen. Snow angels. Snow boarding. Snowball fights. Catching snowflakes on my tongue. The sight of the mountains covered in snow. Leaves changing color. Eating warm foods by the fireside when it's really cold outside and the snow isn't fake. Scarves, hats, and warm coats. Thunderstorms and snow storms... Christmas lights... And man, I'm not religious, but Temple Square during the holidays is amazing... there are lights wrapped around every branch of every tree...

Something about this year screams magic. And it's the only time that the smell of Spiced Cider has ever gotten me this excited for anything. I'm even content spending the holidays with my family for the first time since I seriously wanted a pony from Santa for Christmas... Come to think of it, I never got that Easy Bake Oven either.

cry, burn, build

Gah.

Here we go again.

So there is this problem with being pregnant. Well, there's a few problems with being pregnant, but we're only going to talk about one for now. And that one has to deal with emotions.

It's not just the fact that I'm pregnant, and crying over really simple things, like a little puppy playing in the yard or someone saying something nice or mean. I'm just really sick of people being mean and stabbing other people in the back.

I have lost a lot of friends, and most of them I have lost contact with. And I feel so terrible about it, but the truth is, I have a lot on my plate right now. Not only am I pregnant, single, and living in an area where I don't have any of my close friends around, but I'm also trying to start a career to give my child the best life possible. So I haven't had a lot of time to talk to those that mean a lot to me, and tell them that I'm okay or see what is going on in their lives. On top of that, I'm sick a lot and when I'm home, I spend my time sleeping or studying... or worshiping the toilet gods. It's not very fun. SO... I'm sorry I haven't done very well with talking to people, and especially with hanging out with others. I really want to, but my life needs to calm down a little bit first.

Here's the part where I get really upset. There are people out there that I haven't talked to in a long long long time that I know are talking behind my back. It's always going to happen, not just with me, but with everyone. And it hurts. I have a lot going on, and I don't need to hear hurtful things, especially when they are not true. But if something is going around, I would rather have a friend bring it up to me so I can tell the truth about the situation, instead of have people continue saying things that are not true.

Apparently I'm self centered. I don't know how to say it with out giving away the people involved, but after talking to others that have actually made an attempt to keep in contact with me and know who I really am, they have told me that the person that said this was no real friend. Which was hard to hear... but I have heard it so much from so many people. Multiple, real friends have told me that I don't need people like her in my life. This person has told me so many lies, stabbed me in the back, and betrayed my trust more than once. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell them to leave me alone and that they had hurt me. And that they had no right to talk about me when they don't know who I am anymore, or what is really going on in my life. The response? That I have always been self centered and that they had just been talking to my ex - the one with the brown boots - about how self centered I can be.

Which just happened to prove my point. They proved that they had been talking shit behind my back, and not only were they talking shit, but it was to someone that hasn't talked to me in a long time. Someone that I still care about and love. And it also proved that they don't know me, and that I don't need them in my life anyway.

What was the point in telling me that they had been talking to this person? To dig the knife deeper in my back. I know this person told my ex that I was pregnant. They had no right to do so. And what's even worse, is my ex hasn't asked me about it or tried to find out if I'm okay. This person was really trying to make me feel worse for not wanting them in my life, and only ever mentions talking to my ex to make me jealous or feel bad. I feel, and those that are close to me, feel that this person tells me things like this to hurt me. Seriously? Seriously.

So, I must be self centered for wanting to surround my self with good people when I need them the most. I have to be self centered because I'm looking out for the best interest of me and my unborn child. Good god... I MUST be self centered because I finally started standing up for myself.

The funny thing is, people tell me all the time I need to stop letting people walk all over me and taking advantage of me. There have been many times I have helped others, and never gotten anything in return, even when I was lending mass amounts of money and they were supposed to pay me back. I have been told over and over again, that I need to take charge and stand up for myself more. But when I do it, I'm self centered?

So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I would do anything to talk to my ex again. I still care about him, and wish he could be a part of my life. The thing that hurt the worst, was the fact that this person that was believed to be my friend, was talking shit with someone I care about very much. That's when I started crying.

It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. And maybe I do sound a little self centered when I write in my blogs... But that's the thing. They're my blogs, about my life, and what's going on with me. So of course they will sound self centered.

I'm so sick and tired of people treating others badly, of people saying things to make the other person upset. Why does anyone deserve to be treated poorly? They don't.

I wish that what other people said didn't have such a huge effect on me, and that it wouldn't make me cry. But I seriously spent over an hour crying to my mom about the way this person has treated me in the past, and about what they had just said to me... and the fact that they have the audacity to talk about me with a certain someone, knowing it will hurt me, and then telling me about it. I have no idea what the other person had to say, or what they have been saying about anything, and maybe it's better that way.

It felt so good to burn that bridge... My tears didn't stop the flames from engulfing the wood and I watched the embers burn. It was so hard to do! I have had several people telling me to do it for years, and I never had the courage to do it. But I finally did... which shows that I'm growing and changing into a more mature person. This is one of the times in my life, when I need real friends around. The kind that won't stab another person in the back for their own gain.

I'm tired of crying when I know it won't do any good. I wish I could reach out and tell this one person that I love them, and that I miss them every day. I have the Ross/Rachel syndrome.... I wish and hope that after years we will one day be together again. But nothing is how it is on TV or in the movies. There is no happily ever after.

So for now.... I will cry the tears that will inevitably fall from my eyes, weather I want them to or not. I will burn the bridges that need to be burned. And I will do my best to build up the best kind of life I can, surrounded by real people. Good people.

The important thing, is to learn from the mistakes that are made, and not dwell on them. Don't focus too much on the future, because you never know what's going to happen... Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Be strong. Survive today. Fight like hell to live through tomorrow.


Thank you for listening/reading if you have made it this far. I wish life could be peachy keen for everyone, but sadly, it isn't. To those that have been real and been there for me, thank you. And I hope I have been able to do the same. I will try to get better with talking to others, and if I don't talk to you, it doesn't mean that I hate you and want nothing to do with you. I'm simply super busy, and trying to figure my life out.

Again... thank you for everything, if you have been there for me. If you have listened. This was mostly about venting on a night when I couldn't sleep. If any of you ever need me, I hope I'm there for you like you have been for me. I'm sorry if anything I may have said has possibly offended someone. Please remember that I am venting.

supernova

I snuck out of my house tonight...

I guess it really wouldn't be sneaking out because I don't have a curfew, and I stayed in my yard. But the point is, I had to be very quiet in the process of getting in and out. Once I got outside, I was in almost total darkness, and I got to enjoy the silence of night in my neighborhood.

The reason I "snuck out"? It was all so I could go outside and see the stars. That's right. I didn't do anything naughty or illegal. Sorry to disappoint. There were no guys I went to see, no parties to go to with underage drinking and illegal drugs. The whole purpose was so I could go see the stars.

In Florida, it was harder to see the stars. There was way too much light pollution in the areas I lived to see hardly anything besides the moon, unless you were in the right place. Here, there are mountains to climb to see billions of stars, and so much more scenery to enjoy in the process.

Back to my point....

There were so many stars out tonight. Some were brighter than others, and some I couldn't even see at all. I didn't mind the cold, in fact, it wasn't too bad. I was just happy to be outside and enjoy nature and how amazing life really is.

As I was looking at the stars, it made me become sentimental and start thinking. I was only there for about fifteen minutes, and a lot of thoughts crossed my mind.

Stars only last for so long in the time of the universe. Their light travels billions of light years across the universe to reach our line of sight. But once they explode, their brightness still remains until their darkness travels those same light years and extinguishes its light and they turn into a hunk of ash, or they turn into something new. And most people don't even notice once they're gone. It takes weeks or months for this to happen. One day, that star you wish on, may be gone. But new stars are being formed every day. Matter is pulled together, sometimes from other stars that have lost their light.

Isn't is amazing how that works? How the universe can pull itself together to create something new out of something that has been destroyed? Or how it takes a lot more than an instant for the light from a star to reach us, and then more time for that light to disappear?

Stars have captivated cultures since people walked the earth. They have been used for direction, story telling, light in the night, or a way to find calm in a world of chaos.

Straining my neck to look at the night sky made me think of people in my life... or one person, to be perfectly honest. See, I told you that I was deep and had a lot on my mind! And if I didn't, I just did. So take that.

In thinking about this person, and relating them to the diamonds I saw on that black blanket in the sky, I knew that he was gone. Actually, I know he's gone. Unless by some slim chance he pokes the tip of that famous brown boot back into my life. But the more I thought about it, the more he seemed like a star that had been long gone. The thing that was us, has already exploded, and I'm just waiting for the light to fade or for it to turn into something else...

Maybe, one day, and who knows when that will be, this star that we used to be will totally fade and when I look into the sky he won't be there anymore, which would be called a "black dwarf." Maybe, when any effort is put into this star once it's gone, any matter or energy that gets too close gravity will pull in and it will all disappear, making it a black hole. Maybe it will become one of those stars that can only be seen every once in a while. A twinkle in the night. Maybe, it will be one of those stars, that even though it is considered dead, will continue to glow longer than I stay alive.

But from the small amount of research I've done tonight, whatever the star turns into depends on what the initial mass of the star to start out with.

So what were we? Or what was he to me? From my view on what happened, at one point, we were almost as bright as the sun. Our initial mass, was spectacular. He was the north star that guided me in the night. There are millions of stories that I could tell, that may seem like myths now, based on what we used to be. At one point, that star was everything to me. I lived and breathed it. And basking in its light seemed to calm me in my world of chaos.

"...its iron core is collapsing and heating, until iron is ready to fuse. As soon as it does, though, it absorbs all of the heat around it, chilling the core. All fusion abruptly stops, and the star implodes. The rebound of this implosion is the greatest explosion known in the cosmos: a supernova. A single supernova can be brighter than an entire galaxy for a few days. After the supernova, depending on the mass of the original star, the core might be left over as a white dwarf, neutron star, or black hole."

Well... What can I do? It seems that no matter what, the star will have some kind of effect on the universe. Looking at pictures of everything listed, they all seemed so brilliant. All of them were alive with color and light. So did we finish our star's life cycle and end like a supernova? Or has it even rebounded from the implosion yet? Am I just waiting to see what kind of matter will be left once the light has faded or completely disappeared? Am I waiting for the star to finally implode and then form its brilliant supernova, and finally give me some peace? I'm sure that our core has already started to cool a long time ago... I just don't know how long the process takes.

Will there be any matter left to make anything new? I have no idea. I sure hope so. But this light that seems to emit from this one star seems to take over any other star that I try to look at. There have been other stars that have caught my eye for a brief moment in time, but they don't have enough energy or life to even cross my mind a second time. Maybe I'm looking at a planet that won't go anywhere any time soon, other than follow its orbit across the sky... and that takes a long time.

Haha, oh god. I just read through all that stuff and I don't know if it will even make sense to anyone that will read it. Good luck! It seems to make sense to me, but I feel like the baby is stealing all my brain cells. Even though all this stuff seemed to happen so long ago, it still has an effect on my daily life, and in the way that I try to pick a new lover. I will say it one more time...

I deserve to be loved like there's no tomorrow. I deserve to be with someone that will forget about the terrible things that happened yesterday, and still learn from them. I deserve to have someone live in the moments of today with me.

The end. I make no sense.

Nighty night.