It's been a while...

But the story continues.

Spoiler alert! It didn't work out. I didn't move to Oregon or Washington. He ended up not being the love of my life, and we didn't live happily ever after. But that is life.

Even though it didn't end in "Happily ever after" the story is still something that shaped me. And it was still a wonderful relationship, while it lasted. It ripped out my heart and gave me hope all at the same time.

And made me join eHarmony.

Anyway.... *shifty awkward eyes*

*clears throat*

Pretend you didn't just read that.

We'll do a kind of nutshell/Reader's Digest version of what happened, because much has happened since then and this is something that I don't really want to dwell on...

He and I had a moment on a hill while the sun was setting where I ran into his arms and he gave me the long awaited and promised twirly hug... Then I was charged at by a ram.

Seriously.

A ram. Like... Horned sheep. Came running in my general direction. So what did I do? Throw him in front of me and ran. I admit it openly.

We got stuck in a huge muddy area on a Gator, which he did on purpose to get me alone to talk to me. It was kind of funny actually... In a nerdy, jock sweet kind of way. If that is possible. The first night there we had a huge fire pit and a ton of family came up. There were a million people crammed into a one room shack with a busted shower and a wood pellet furnace.

Yup. We know how to roll on the west coast, dude.

He and I stayed up talking for at least an hour after everyone else had fallen asleep... We got to talk about all the things that we said we would have to talk about in person, and I just stayed totally wrapped up in his arms.

Eventually we made our way up to Astoria the next day, after spending some time being lazy on the property.... We found an amazing place for dinner that was to die for and grabbed some cheesecake to take back to the bed and breakfast that we found. Every other place was totally booked, and by chance we called Clementine's. It was perfect. We stayed in the "Moose Temple" (his nickname was Moose) and the building actually used to be an old LDS church.

Too many things were fitting together. That, and the amazing scones we had for breakfast on the way to the Astoria Column before we flew the little wooden planes on my birthday... Everything just fit together. There was no coincidence. The was just us and fate. A voice in my head told me to jump, and I dove straight in.


So the entire weekend was magical. I got to spend time with my best friend and the godbaby. I got to see family and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. I got to wrap my head around the idea that I could have that life.

Then it happened.

I month later, when I made another trip out to the West Coast, this time to Seattle (for the first time) I could tell he was already distancing himself. Things we used to talk about, we didn't talk about anymore. He called less. He didn't seem as interested as he was before. The honeymoon phase wasn't just over - it was DONE. I could see it coming from a million miles away. I saw the warning signs, but I convinced myself that it was just because I was trying to make excuses to ruin a good thing.

By the night of April 1, 2011 - it was over. I wasn't what he wanted and he didn't want a girlfriend, much less a girlfriend that lived in a different state with a child.

But it's okay. We had our moment. We had an incredible weekend and another weekend that was just... well, whatever.

Some people were shocked. Some people kept saying he would come back. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't, and that it would be okay.

I don't cry when I think about him anymore. It doesn't make me sad.

There is no such thing as a mistake. Every "mistake" is a learning experience. What you do with it is what matters.

So I kept breathing (after drinking a lot of vodka) and realized that there must be something bigger for me out there. It was going to come to me whenever it and I were both ready. I'm still waiting for it...

Any time now...


Ah hem....


So I keep living my life, and doing what makes me happy. One day at a time. It wasn't the end of the world. It may have just been the beginning of a whole new world for me.

The birthday weekend!!

To say that my birthday weekend was epic would be an understatement. Legendary? May not even begin to describe it. Epically legendary? Possible.

I don't think I can recall every little detail that happened, but it all lead up to making some pretty amazing memories. It made me home sick. It all made me want to go to my apartment, pack up my things, and turn right back around and live in Oregon. I will openly admit it. I'm an Oregon girl through and through, and I can't wait until I can get back over there. Permanently.

It was hard to leave Tegan. I had to leave her for the whole weekend, and I used to do it all the time whenever I had to work at the hospital on a weekend, but this was the first time I had to leave her to go to another state. I knew she was left in good hands, thanks to my Airhead and the Ninja, but it was still hard. It helped that I had no reception the first night I was there, or I would have been calling to bug them every five minutes.

The plane ride was mellow... Two hours of my mind racing and listening to my iPod. I let my thoughts wander wherever they wanted to go, and they kept going back to HIM. I was excited to meet my godson for the first time. I was so excited to see my best friend from childhood and see how she played out as a mother. I was excited to see the "family" that had developed in my absence. I was excited to see water and greeness. My heart was racing. On top of all of that, I would see this man that I had been talking to over the last six months. Even though we had met three times before, I would finally get to see him after talking.... After getting to know each other for six months. We had made plans, we had talked about what that moment would be like. We had never touched each other, never even shaken hands... what would it be like?

I sent five different text messages and made phone calls when I got off the plane... I came walking past security and saw my childhood friend dancing in excitement to see me. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! All my worries were washed away and I felt right at home.

We were talking about plans for the weekend (she told me her mother was in the car with her son... LIAR.) and a hand touched mine.

I heard a familiar voice behind me say, "Excuse me, miss... Can I help you with that?"

My heart stopped.

I turned around ready to punch whoever it was that was trying to steal my luggage, when I realized that it was him standing by me. My jaw dropped. My eyes bugged out of my head, and I gave him an awkward side hug. I was totally caught off guard, and Chelsea was laughing.

They had the truck all packed up and ready to go and we were on our way to the property where we would spend the first night. I kept looking up at him in total shock. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for the feelings and everything that came with seeing him. And I wasn't expecting to see him until later in the evening. I climbed in the back seat and he put my luggage in the back... He was a total gentleman, and it didn't let up, even after I left.

And handed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. :)

It took a while to get used to looking at him when I talked to him. It was pretty intense. I had heard this voice for six months and pictured his face when he was talking to me... but it was so weird to see him and hear him at the same time. His facial expressions, his smile! It was all a lot to get used to. A lot to take in.

Chelsea and I talked the entire way up to the property... We made plans and talked housewife talk... Baby proofing, cooking, recipes, business ideas... I've missed being close to her. With every word, I was mentally packing up my apartment to make it all happen faster.

So this property was amazing. 300 acres of beautiful land - green... Mud. We got dirty and played like Oregonians do.

something about a white picket fence...

For those of you who really know me, I am not a picket fence person.

I am making that very clear. I think they are hideous in a "Stepford wife" sort of way. I never want to be that wife... The wife that wears heels while she's baking a pie for her husband, waiting by the door with his slippers and pipe in hand. I am not a 50s sitcom wife. My life is not a black and white movie. I do not want a white picket fence and plastic on the furniture. I do not want 2.5 kids and a dog. You know what? I think I can find a picture...



NO. No thank you. It will not do. I can not be that type of family.... The Leave it to Beaver type of family.

That being said...

I keep having dreams. Dreams the involve the type of family that I want when I grow up. I keep getting this feeling... I know what I want and I know that I really want it and who I want it with. It's freaky. And I can see it totally happening.

I see bonfires by water of some kind. I see BBQs with friends and family. I see a dog and a house - but not just any house. And old house that we have made into our own. A garden. Hardwood floors and a wood burning fireplace. Warm colored walls... an island in the kitchen with a bar area where we eat breakfast. Counter space! Freaking counter space! And home cooked meals... I want my house to have a natural feel to it... warm and natural. Lots of wood and wrought iron and stone... A back porch where we sit and watch people run around in our backyard. Trips to the beach - which is not very far away...

One of the most important things in this dream is that we made this house into what we want. It feels old and very lived in and happy... because we made it that way.

I don't really know if any of it will happen... But I keep having dreams. I keep getting little signs that the road I'm headed down is the right one. When I start to doubt or feel like I'm downing, something saves me. Something brings me back to the surface so I can see that I'm getting closer to what I want.

It may all just be a dream. It may end up being a total nightmare... But right now, I'll pretend that it's the right way to happily ever after. Who knows? This could be it.


School is finally working in my favor. Work is finally working in my favor. Things are going the way that they need to. I've worked hard for it all and it's paying off.

I am living proof that with a lot of faith and support, with a lot of hard work... It's possible to make it and be a single mom. It's possible to make a terrible situation into something wonderful.

It is possible to make lemonade from lemons (and find a friend that has vodka, if needed....)

You don't have to marry someone because they got you pregnant. Stepford wives don't have the kind of happiness I do. I don't have to rely on someone else to be happy. Happiness doesn't have to come with a white picket fence.